We've all held a simple-minded grudge every now and then.
Even though we know it won't change the situation, and won't make us feel any better, we still find ourselves unable to forgive someone for doing something.
Some people keep these grudges to themselves, and don't let the people they're angry at know that they will likely be in hot water with them for the rest of their lives.
Others, however, make no effort to keep their rage hidden.
Redditor Adept_Ad_4256 was disappointed to miss a major life event of their son's, owing to extenuating circumstances.
Not nearly as disappointed as their son was, however, who always reminded both his parents of their absence on his special day whenever things got heated between them.
So much so, that it reached a point where the original poster (OP), openly told their son that this sort of behavior had to stop.
Wondering if they were out of line for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my son he needs to get over us missing his wedding?"
The OP explained why they had finally had enough of being guilt tripped by their son.
"My son got married a few years ago."
"He lives on the other side of the country then us."
"He got a great job opportunity after college so he moved down."
"Two years ago he got married to Jenny and what I heard it was a beautiful wedding."
"So the whole issue started when we were trying to get there."
"The wedding was on Saturday and our plane left Thursday night."
"Well it got delayed and then delayed about four more times, (Friday morning at this point) and then all the planes got canceled due to a storm."
"When that happened it was clear we were not leaving and driving there would take too long and we would still miss the ceremony."
"We looked into other airports the planes were grounded also."
"We are from Maine and the storm was going though our state and then riding down the east coast."
"We weren't getting a flight and yes we looked."
"It basically blocked travel for two days."
"If we did go down a state or two we would be following the storm and we wouldn't get a flight."
"So we informed him and he was pissed."
"We sent our well wishes and we could FaceTime in if he wanted."
"He told us no and we saw a video of his getting married."
"Now the present day issue any times we get an argument or he wants us to do something he pulls up we missed his wedding card."
"We were taking over the phone, we were talking about hosting Thanksgiving this year."
"He got mad saying why won't you visit us and I told him we don't have the money for the trip and we just saw him in July."
"July was the last time we visited we have been down there 9 times at this point."
"We got in an argument and he pulled the you missed our wedding it's the least you can do."
"I told him enough and that he needs to get over it."
"He called me a jerk."
"My daughter learned about it as she is on our side but I don't know."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
For the most part, the Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their son to stop playing the "missed wedding" card.
Pretty much everyone agreed that the OP and their spouse missing their son's wedding was completely out of their control, and their son needed to start forgiving them and stop reminding them, even if some could at least understand their son's disappointment.
"NTA."
"If all of the cross-country flights were cancelled due to weather and you'd planned on being there a full day and a half ahead of time then you made what any reasonable person would consider a good faith effort to be there."
"Plane tickets (and wedding plans) are usually made months in advance, well before any potential weather issues would arise."
"I'm sure that OP wasn't the only one unable to get across the country."
"It sucks and is understandably upsetting to the son whose wedding is missed, but it is what it is."- DueIsland2983
"NTA."
"You booked flights a few days in advance."
"You didn't just book one for the morning of the ceremony and hope for the best."
"I understand he's upset."
"But you don't control the weather or the airlines."
"What did he realistically expect you to do that you didn't?"
"You missed it."
"It's done."
"You've apologized."
"Yes he can be sad you missed it, but to blame you and bring it up repeatedly is missing the mark."- RamblingReflections
"This reminds me of that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Miranda wants Andy to get her a plane out of Miami during a hurricane."
"Just like in the movie, it is what it is."
"Sometimes Mother Nature makes fools of us all."
"I can see your son feeling disappointed, but to be angry at you, especially years later, is not fair."
"NTA."- QueefLatina-
"You know what I did when I found out 4 days before my wedding that my father, who was excited to come, was now medically restricted from traveling and couldn't?"
"I spent 2 hours helping my stepmother figure out how to set up a Skype video link so they could watch the ceremony in real time, with an extra phone audio connection because we found Skype audio wouldn't work on their computer for unknown reasons."
"The camera for the Skype was set right next to the altar so they could see couple & officiant, and the phone for audio was ON the altar so they could hear nearly everything."
"NTA."
"It was an act of God."
"He needs to get over it, especially if he didn't do a damn thing to to make alternate plans for live streaming for you."-Scouthawkk
"NTA."
"It sounds like you and your husband made all reasonable efforts to get there and it just wasn't going to happen."
"Personally, I would've still drove to at least have gotten to the reception and celebrate but that's just me."
"That being said, that's a big milestone moment you missed and it's going to take time for him to get over it."
"But it's not fair for him to use it as a weapon against you and your spouse anytime things don't go his way."
"He needs to find a way to make peace with the situation without lording it over you for all of time."- coastalkid92
"NTA."
"How can he blame you?"
"What does he think you should have down differently?"- reeserdog
"I'm struck by a grown married son, living away from his parents, regularly getting into arguments with those parents."
"It seems that those lives would be separate enough that there wouldn't be much to argue about."
"My phrasing seems to point to the son, but it could be either/both directions."
"Aside from that oddity, NTA for missing the wedding."- fuzzy_mic
"You had a perfect storm of events to miss and he's being a baby about it years later."
"Easy NTA."- ARandomBleedingHeart
"NTA, you missed it for reasons outside of your control."
"There was literally nothing you could've done in that situation."- Katesaurus
"NTA."
"You can't control the weather and he can't hold this over your head forever."- DSQ
"NTA."
"I'm sure he's upset but you tried."
"You can't control the weather and it got delayed multiple times before ultimately being cancelled."
"You did the smart thing trying to come in a few days early but you can't control the weather."-WebAcceptable7932
"NTA."
"What was your relationship like before this?"
"Seems like son is extra mad for something out of your control, however have you had a history of promising to be somewhere or do something for him and it just never seemed to happen?"
"Or maybe you didn't like the wife at one point and your son is taking this extra personal?"
"On its face it seems like son is over reacting but, at least with my family, the fight is never really about what it looks like it's about."
"There's almost always underlying issues."
"Or it could be son is just unforgiving and is holding a childish grudge."- Lacroix24601
There were a select few, however, who felt the OP and their spouse didn't plan well enough ahead to make the wedding, but still felt their son's grudge was unjustified.
"ESH."
"While your son should be content having been visited once already that year, I'm not sure why you thought it appropriate to leave only 2 days prior to his wedding."
"It doesn't scream 'care'."- The_Haikuling
A wedding is a day when you want all your nearest and dearest together, making the disappointment of the OP's son understandable.
But as the OP did not deliberately skip his wedding, and made every effort they could to get there, it is surprising that the OP isn't more forgiving.
If he wants to sustain a relationship with them, resentment is never going to help.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp