Our histories inform the people that we become.
The days, months, and years of our previous experiences mold and guide us into the people we are, and each day makes subtle changes to that person.
But what happens when someone's past doesn't live up to your standards?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwaAL9673 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for siding with my husband when my brother kicked him out of the engagement party?"
She began with the background.
"It's a messed up conflict between my brother and my husband and by extension me."
"So, My (female 30) brother 'Jacob, male 33' and my husband 'Connor, m32' have been friends since college."
"I met Connor through Jacob. they were so close and are always in agreement but that changed once Jacob's fiancee 'Rachel' came around."
"Connor told me that Rachel used to be this 'fun' girl that slept with nearly everyone in the group."
"Jacob met her at the new company and they began officially dating. I too was shocked when I heard cause Connor told me about her a lot about her 'glorious college days'."
"Jacob then announced his engagement to Rachel and invited us for the engagement party."
"Connor had talks with Jacob about if he was sure he wanted to settle down with her and Jacob told him to drop it and Connor did."
"At the party, I was sitting next to Connor talking about random stuff."
"Suddenly Rachel's phone started ringing and she excused herself to answer."
Everything was fine, until...
"While she was getting up, Connor looked at her and Jacob and smirked and said 'I'm telling ya, you can't make a hoe a housewife!'."
"Rachel stormed off and Jacob unloaded on Connor calling him an obnoxious a**hole, Connor just stared as Jacob kept insulting him with name-calling."
"I didn't want to get involved til Jacob tried to kick Connor out of the party."
"I said to Jacob that he overreacted and should calm down but he acted appalled that I 'defended' Connor but I told him that he at least wasn't lying."
"Jacob then proceeded to kick me out as well."
"Mom got involved and tried to calm us down but Connor grabbed his keys and phone and told me to follow him."
"We felt terrible, Connor started crying in the car and I called mom and said while Jacob overreacted, Connor was out of line to say this in front of Rachel and make her cry on her engagement party and I shouldn't have sided with him."
"She told me to reach out to Jacob to apologize but I said that he insulted my husband who happens to be his BEST FRIEND, then escalated by kicking him out."
"I refused to call Jacob and felt upset for being made feel bad for siding with my husband who's hurt because of what his best friend did to him."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
"I really thought it was an inside joke between them."
Having laid out the issue, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some were direct.
"YTA."
"You and your husband are a**holes. Huge a**holes."
"I don't know why it's so important for your brother to marry a virgin, but it's none of your business."
"The slut shaming is over the top with you and your husband."
"What could Rachel do now to make herself acceptable to you?"
"Confess all her lays and cry and say how much she regretted it? Die waiting."
"PS your husband screwed Rachel." ~ Time-U-1
Others pointed out how childish the OP's behavior was.
"The maturity of OP and Connor is on full display when you consider that Connor felt the need to talk to Jacob about Racheal's sexual history from 8 to 10 years ago."
"Why did he think that Jacob needed to be told this?"
"Because you know how mature women who have colorful sexual histories handle situations like this?"
"Once they realize that their boyfriend is friends with somebody that is extremely well informed about their past, they tell their boyfriends to give them a heads up."
"Not because they think that it is really relevant, but in case any of these friends are immature a**holes like Connor is, they have a heads up."
"Jacob probably did not need to be told by Connor because Jacob probably was already told by Rachel herself." ~ anglerfishtacos
"YTA."
"What your husband did was horrible and gross."
"What she did in college is no one's business and should NEVER be brought up."
"But at her engagement party? Your husband is garbage."
"And you are too for taking his side."
"You should absolutely apologize to your brother and his fiancée."
"But I wouldn't forgive either of you if I were them. You and your husband need to grow up and learn how to be respectful of others." ~ Krdubya311
Commenters shared personal stories.
"I just want to piggyback off the first comment to explain the effect of you and Connor's sh*tty behavior."
"I'm the girl who slept with everyone in the group."
"I'm the sl*tty college friend."
"The fear that no one will ever want me has been instilled in me from the moments I could understand words, and that's the truth for most women if you're in the United States."
"If someone said something like that to me at an event like MY engagement party, I would genuinely never speak to them ever again."
"You are not entitled to forgiveness because he's your brother and your husband's best friends….BECAUSE SISTERS AND BEST FRIENDS SHOULDN'T SL*T SHAME THEIR BROTHER'S / BEST FRIEND'S SOON-TO-BE WIFE IN PRIVATE, LET ALONE IN PERSON."
"Oh wait, let me clarify."
"YOU SHOULDN'T SL*T SHAME ANYONE."
"Trigger warning: sexual violence"
"Fun fact, AH, many people who are the friend that sleeps with the whole friend group or who are in general 'sl*tty' are actually survivors of sexual violence."
"For me, I was molested as a child, which made me 3 times as likely to be assaulted later in life and let's just say that 3 times more likely has come true many times over."
"So after experiencing sexual assault twice before 18, I did what many survivors do - I became hypersexual because 1. I have bipolar disorder and 2. That's a VERY common reaction for survivors."
"I certainly hope you're not shaming a sexual assault survivor, but given the ungodly number of women who are assaulted in the US, especially in college, you probably are."
"EVEN IF I'm wrong about this, someone can be free of sexual assault and sleep with whoever and however many people they want."
"You and your husband are GIANT AH."
"Edit: also the fact that you had to ask the internet if your AH indicates you probably need some therapy."
"Not understanding that y'all are the AH here is wild and indicative of some sort of inability to understand basic human emotion. I'm serious." ~ goolalalash
Some put the blame squarely on Connor.
"For sure, Husband definitely 100% screwed Rachel!"
"That or he tried to sleep with her and got rejected. It could go either way."
"And yeah, Connor is a sl*t shaming a**hole."
"And seriously OP your brother DID NOT overreact. It was her engagement party, and he hurled insults at her."
"WTAF is wrong with your husband? What an appalling thing to say to your best friend future wife, and YOUR future SIL."
"I get you're in a tough spot with it being your husband and your brother."
"But your husband was 100% in the wrong here, the sooner you BOTH recognize and admit this, the better your chances of reconciling and working towards making things right." ~ Ancient_Potential285
"And poor little Connor got his fee-fees hurt."
"He cried in the car. As far as we can tell, Rachel, who seems a lot tougher than your weak bully husband, didn't go run off to cry."
"Big tough guy to sl*t shame Rachel to her face, but then goes and cries by himself in the car when he gets back a fraction what he gave out."
"The only positive here is OP and Connor have married each other, who they each seem to richly deserve."
"OP, have you ever answered your phone in your 30 years? Does that make you a 'hoe' and not a 'housewife?' "
"YTA obviously."
"P.S. It's hilarious that OP is all like 'my husband used to bang all sorts of chicks in college' but Rachel, who she (hopefully) isn't sleeping with is the one she can't tolerate."
"Double standards anyone?" ~ ErikLovemonger
Our pasts make us the people that we are.
The past guides and shapes our present, but our lives are our own to live.
Remember that no one ever has the right to judge you for your past - whatever their opinion of that past is.
Live your life and surround yourself with people who celebrate with you.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.