Our histories inform the people that we become.
The days, months, and years of our previous experiences mold and guide us into the people we are, and each day makes subtle changes to that person.
But what happens when someone’s past doesn’t live up to your standards?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) throwaAL9673 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for siding with my husband when my brother kicked him out of the engagement party?”
She began with the background.
“It’s a messed up conflict between my brother and my husband and by extension me.”
“So, My (female 30) brother ‘Jacob, male 33’ and my husband ‘Connor, m32’ have been friends since college.”
“I met Connor through Jacob. they were so close and are always in agreement but that changed once Jacob’s fiancee ‘Rachel’ came around.”
“Connor told me that Rachel used to be this ‘fun’ girl that slept with nearly everyone in the group.”
“Jacob met her at the new company and they began officially dating. I too was shocked when I heard cause Connor told me about her a lot about her ‘glorious college days’.”
“Jacob then announced his engagement to Rachel and invited us for the engagement party.”
“Connor had talks with Jacob about if he was sure he wanted to settle down with her and Jacob told him to drop it and Connor did.”
“At the party, I was sitting next to Connor talking about random stuff.”
“Suddenly Rachel’s phone started ringing and she excused herself to answer.”
Everything was fine, until…
“While she was getting up, Connor looked at her and Jacob and smirked and said ‘I’m telling ya, you can’t make a hoe a housewife!’.”
“Rachel stormed off and Jacob unloaded on Connor calling him an obnoxious a**hole, Connor just stared as Jacob kept insulting him with name-calling.”
“I didn’t want to get involved til Jacob tried to kick Connor out of the party.”
“I said to Jacob that he overreacted and should calm down but he acted appalled that I ‘defended’ Connor but I told him that he at least wasn’t lying.”
“Jacob then proceeded to kick me out as well.”
“Mom got involved and tried to calm us down but Connor grabbed his keys and phone and told me to follow him.”
“We felt terrible, Connor started crying in the car and I called mom and said while Jacob overreacted, Connor was out of line to say this in front of Rachel and make her cry on her engagement party and I shouldn’t have sided with him.”
“She told me to reach out to Jacob to apologize but I said that he insulted my husband who happens to be his BEST FRIEND, then escalated by kicking him out.”
“I refused to call Jacob and felt upset for being made feel bad for siding with my husband who’s hurt because of what his best friend did to him.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
“I really thought it was an inside joke between them.”
Having laid out the issue, OP turned to Reddit for some outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some were direct.
“YTA.”
“You and your husband are a**holes. Huge a**holes.”
“I don’t know why it’s so important for your brother to marry a virgin, but it’s none of your business.”
“The slut shaming is over the top with you and your husband.”
“What could Rachel do now to make herself acceptable to you?”
“Confess all her lays and cry and say how much she regretted it? Die waiting.”
“PS your husband screwed Rachel.” ~ Time-U-1
Others pointed out how childish the OP’s behavior was.
“The maturity of OP and Connor is on full display when you consider that Connor felt the need to talk to Jacob about Racheal‘s sexual history from 8 to 10 years ago.”
“Why did he think that Jacob needed to be told this?”
“Because you know how mature women who have colorful sexual histories handle situations like this?”
“Once they realize that their boyfriend is friends with somebody that is extremely well informed about their past, they tell their boyfriends to give them a heads up.”
“Not because they think that it is really relevant, but in case any of these friends are immature a**holes like Connor is, they have a heads up.”
“Jacob probably did not need to be told by Connor because Jacob probably was already told by Rachel herself.” ~ anglerfishtacos
“YTA.”
“What your husband did was horrible and gross.”
“What she did in college is no one’s business and should NEVER be brought up.”
“But at her engagement party? Your husband is garbage.”
“And you are too for taking his side.”
“You should absolutely apologize to your brother and his fiancée.”
“But I wouldn’t forgive either of you if I were them. You and your husband need to grow up and learn how to be respectful of others.” ~ Krdubya311
Commenters shared personal stories.
“I just want to piggyback off the first comment to explain the effect of you and Connor’s sh*tty behavior.”
“I’m the girl who slept with everyone in the group.”
“I’m the sl*tty college friend.”
“The fear that no one will ever want me has been instilled in me from the moments I could understand words, and that’s the truth for most women if you’re in the United States.”
“If someone said something like that to me at an event like MY engagement party, I would genuinely never speak to them ever again.”
“You are not entitled to forgiveness because he’s your brother and your husband’s best friends….BECAUSE SISTERS AND BEST FRIENDS SHOULDN’T SL*T SHAME THEIR BROTHER’S / BEST FRIEND’S SOON-TO-BE WIFE IN PRIVATE, LET ALONE IN PERSON.”
“Oh wait, let me clarify.”
“YOU SHOULDN’T SL*T SHAME ANYONE.”
“Trigger warning: sexual violence”
“Fun fact, AH, many people who are the friend that sleeps with the whole friend group or who are in general ‘sl*tty’ are actually survivors of sexual violence.”
“For me, I was molested as a child, which made me 3 times as likely to be assaulted later in life and let’s just say that 3 times more likely has come true many times over.”
“So after experiencing sexual assault twice before 18, I did what many survivors do – I became hypersexual because 1. I have bipolar disorder and 2. That’s a VERY common reaction for survivors.”
“I certainly hope you’re not shaming a sexual assault survivor, but given the ungodly number of women who are assaulted in the US, especially in college, you probably are.”
“EVEN IF I’m wrong about this, someone can be free of sexual assault and sleep with whoever and however many people they want.”
“You and your husband are GIANT AH.”
“Edit: also the fact that you had to ask the internet if your AH indicates you probably need some therapy.”
“Not understanding that y’all are the AH here is wild and indicative of some sort of inability to understand basic human emotion. I’m serious.” ~ goolalalash
Some put the blame squarely on Connor.
“For sure, Husband definitely 100% screwed Rachel!”
“That or he tried to sleep with her and got rejected. It could go either way.”
“And yeah, Connor is a sl*t shaming a**hole.”
“And seriously OP your brother DID NOT overreact. It was her engagement party, and he hurled insults at her.”
“WTAF is wrong with your husband? What an appalling thing to say to your best friend future wife, and YOUR future SIL.”
“I get you’re in a tough spot with it being your husband and your brother.”
“But your husband was 100% in the wrong here, the sooner you BOTH recognize and admit this, the better your chances of reconciling and working towards making things right.” ~ Ancient_Potential285
“And poor little Connor got his fee-fees hurt.”
“He cried in the car. As far as we can tell, Rachel, who seems a lot tougher than your weak bully husband, didn’t go run off to cry.”
“Big tough guy to sl*t shame Rachel to her face, but then goes and cries by himself in the car when he gets back a fraction what he gave out.”
“The only positive here is OP and Connor have married each other, who they each seem to richly deserve.”
“OP, have you ever answered your phone in your 30 years? Does that make you a ‘hoe’ and not a ‘housewife?’ “
“YTA obviously.”
“P.S. It’s hilarious that OP is all like ‘my husband used to bang all sorts of chicks in college’ but Rachel, who she (hopefully) isn’t sleeping with is the one she can’t tolerate.”
“Double standards anyone?” ~ ErikLovemonger
Our pasts make us the people that we are.
The past guides and shapes our present, but our lives are our own to live.
Remember that no one ever has the right to judge you for your past – whatever their opinion of that past is.
Live your life and surround yourself with people who celebrate with you.