When it comes to family gatherings, be it to celebrate important milestones or just for the sake of getting together, chances are we won’t be able to attend them all.
Nor does anyone throwing these events expect everyone to make it.
What hosts might not appreciate, however, is when people openly tell them that they will choose to attend something else over the event they’re throwing.
Particularly if they choose something fairly inconsequential over a major milestone celebration.
Redditor Hefty-Tea-2143‘s father told her that he would definitely be attending her son’s first birthday party.
However, only days before the party was scheduled, the original poster (OP)’s father told her of a conflict.
While he told the OP that he would still attend the party, but would be late, he didn’t end up making the party at all.
While the OP’s father claimed this was out of his control, the OP begged to differ, even explicitly telling her father that it was all “his fault”.
After being told she was being a bit dramatic, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my father that it was his fault he missed my son’s first birthday party?”
The OP explained why she did not accept her father’s excuses for missing her son’s first birthday party:
“My son turned one this past weekend.”
“On Sunday, my husband and I threw a birthday party for him at a local kids venue.”
“We confirmed the date, with both the venue and our guests, a few months ago.”
“One of those guests was my father.”
“Back when I informed him of the date, he told me he’d come.”
“A few days before the party, he asked if there was any way for me to reschedule it.”
“I said no, as we’d already confirmed everything with the venue.”
“My father then told me he’d be late to the party because there was an event at his girlfriend’s church on the same day, and she wanted him to attend.”
“I should say that my immediate family, including my father, is technically catholic, but none of us practice it.”
“However, my father’s girlfriend is VERY religious.”
“Like, Jesus as her phone wallpaper religious.”
“Since they started dating (a little over a year ago), my father has been attending church with her on a semi-regular basis.”
“He has explicitly told me he doesn’t like it, but does it to make her happy.”
“I told my father I was fine with him being late, as long as he came to the party at some point.”
“He said he’d show up as soon as the church event was done.”
“A few hours before the party ended, my father texted me the event was still going, and he thought ‘it would be in poor taste’ for him to leave early, so he probably wouldn’t be able to come.”
“I didn’t hear from him again that day.”
“On Monday, my father called me to explain that the event went on for longer than he expected.”
“He didn’t apologize, but asked if I was angry at him, and I said yes.”
“He said he had no way of knowing the event would last as long as it did, but that’s not what I’m upset about.”
“I told him he still chose to prioritize an event he didn’t even want to attend over his grandson’s first birthday party, made several other choices that led him to completely miss the latter, and didn’t inform me about any of that until the last minute.”
“All of those decisions were his, so the fact he ultimately didn’t come to the party was his fault.”
“My father is still refusing to apologize, and insists I have no right to be angry over something he had ‘no control over’.”
“I’m starting to feel odd about this.”
“My husband is on my side, but my sister told me I’m being dramatic.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her father it was his fault that he missed her son’s first birthday party.
Everyone agreed that the OP was correct in saying that it was her father’s choice to prioritize his girlfriend’s church event and that he didn’t make any feasible effort to make it to her son’s party. The fact that he didn’t apologize made it all the worse:
“NTA.”
“He made his choice, asked if your were upset, was told ‘yes’ you were to which he said well actually I was expecting you to placate MY feelings about missing the party and prioritizing my gf (who is an adult) over my grandson.”
“Don’t.”
“You seriously do not need to soothe his feelings.”
“‘Say to him clearly once more, ‘I’m upset you chose to miss the party’.”
“‘Why you missed it is beside the point’.”
”It’s not like you were in the ER with a ruptured spleen after a massive car wreck’.”
“‘You were with your gf’.’
“Period’.”
“He doesn’t get a free pass on your feelings just because he values his own comfort over yours.”- Tough-Combination-37
“NTA.”
“He prioritized another event over his grandson’s party.”
“He prioritized his girlfriend’s church’s event over his grandson’s party.”
“He ABSOLUTELY had control over it.”- GhostParty21
“NTA.”
“Your dad DID have a way to know when the event was going to end.”
“He could have ASKED.”- jess1804
“NTA.”
“Your father had a choice and he made it.”
“Your son’s birthday was not a priority but his girlfriend’s event was.”
“You have a right to feel hurt.”
“He could have chosen not to go, or to sit in a part of the church where slipping out would not be an issue, or simply told the minister beforehand that it was his grandbaby’s birthday and he may have to dip out.”
“He chose to be with his GF not his grandson, ouch.”
“I am sorry.”
“Good luck having this conversation in a way that helps your dad make better choices in the future.”
“Hugs.”- Electrical_Motor_892
“NTA.”
“’It would be in poor taste to leave early’.”
“No it wouldn’t, unless he was giving a speech at the end or had an important role like organizing it.”
“It would be very understandable to leave to see his grandchild for their birthday.”
“If anyone at church judged him for it, then maybe they should reread the bible and learn how to be less judgmental.”- No-Introduction3808
“NTA.”
“Your father is an adult, and he made a choice to attend a different event.”
“He asked if you were upset, and you answered him honestly.”
“He chose his girlfriend over his grandchild.”
“It’s understandable to be disappointed in him and upset that he made the choices he’s made.”
“It’s very possible he’ll do this again in the future.”
“I do think hanging onto your anger only eats away at you, though.”
“Doesn’t seem to be bothering him all that much.”
“Make peace with the fact that he’s going to choose the girlfriend.”
“Adulting sucks sometimes.”- Odd_West_8860
“NTA.”
“Your perspective is reasonable.”
“He made a choice and he’s asking you not to hold it against him.”
“It’s odd that he’s acting like it was out of his hands rather than a choice he made because it was very clearly the latter.”
“Knowing the church event created a conflict, he should have made sure his GF, and the event organizers if applicable, knew he would not be able to stay for the whole thing.”
“Better yet, he should have declined to attend it and never should have asked you to reschedule.”
“He seems like someone who needs to grow a spine.”
“He asks unreasonable things for accommodation and then acts like a victim when his choices get him into hot water.”
“He’s got to just face the consequences.”
“He missed your son’s bday, he executed that poorly, and you’re mad at him for it.”
“Until he learns to take responsibility for his actions I think having a meaningful relationship with him could be very challenging…you probably cannot rely on him, minimally, and he’s willing to put you second to his GF’s demands which is a bummer.”- owls_and_cardinals
“NTA.”
“He is for following his girlfriend over his grandson and her for making him go to church over his grandson’s party.”- lmmontes
It was presumptuous enough for the OP’s father to even ask if they could reschedule her son’s birthday party when their venue had been booked for months.
The fact that he prioritized a church event his girlfriend wanted to attend over a significant family milestone makes one wonder how present and active a father he was to the OP.
He might not have been wrong in feeling it was in “poor taste” to leave the event early. But it was in even poorer taste to completely miss his grandson’s birthday and not even offer an apology.