It's a child's worst fear that their parents prefer one or more of their siblings to them.
Even as they enter adulthood, one simple action by either of their parents could make them think that they are the child their parents wish they hadn't had.
In most instances, this isn't the case at all, and they are just letting their fears and imaginations get the better of them.
Sometimes, however, parents do indeed prefer one or more of their children to the others and aren't exactly experts at hiding it.
Redditor PrimaryDiet5940 was thrilled to learn that his son was getting married, and wanted to show his excitement by making him a very generous offer.
An offer his other son rather resented, as it was never made to him.
When asked for an explanation as to why, the original poster (OP) made his reasons explicitly clear, only creating even more distance between the two of them.
Having second thoughts about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for paying for my son's wedding?"
The OP shared what he did to lead his son to accuse him of "playing favorites."
"My son is getting married to a wonderful woman."
"We loved her since the first day we met her."
"She was very nice and polite and very good with my granddaughter."
"My granddaughter is 15, and she never got along with my son's partners, so it's nice to see the amazing relationship between her and her future stepmom."
"We were all talking, and the wedding came up."
"We asked them what they are planning to do, and they told us they can't afford their dream wedding and their dream honeymoon, so they are trying to decide which one to choose."
"I offered that they could do both and I'll pay half the price."
"My other son asked me why I'm paying for their wedding when I didn't pay for his. I told him that I didn't like his wife and he knows it."
"She has been very cold towards us since the first day we met and she hardly ever speaks to us."
"I can't be expected to pay for a wedding I don't approve of."
"He said I'm showing favoritism."
"I told him I'm not, I didn't pay for his brother's first wedding either so in order not to show favoritism I'm willing to pay for his next wedding."
"He blew up at me and called me an a**hole and left."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP received little to no support from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed he WAS the a**hole for the way he spoke to his son.
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP was, indeed showing favoritism by paying for one son's wedding and not the other, and definitely crossed the line with his remark about paying for his son's "next wedding."
"Oh damn."
"That hurt me, and I'm not your son, lol."
"YTA for saying that, but the petty in me respects that shade, lol."- DontAskMeChit
"It's your money, so it's up to you."
"Your comments were nasty and mean-spirited though."
"If that's the way you behave and speak to people, I'm not surprised your other daughter-in-law is cold towards you."- CrazyCat_77
"YTA."
"Not because you're paying for the wedding, but for treating your other son like that."
"No wonder your DIL doesn't like you."- Infamous_Control_778
"YTA."
"You sound like King Lear, handing out cash to the kids that kiss your a** the most."
"This isn't about your sons' wives, it's about your sons, if you're prepared to treat them this differently over this, I'd bet money it's not the first time you've shown favoritism."- Liveware_Failure
"YTA."
"OP: 'I gave a lot of money to one son for a wedding, but not the other because I like the other son's wife more. I don't think that means I'm playing favorites."
"AITA commenters: 'What? That is the definition of 'playing favorites.YTA!'"
"OP: [shocked Pikachu face]." -Straight-Singer-2912
"You said this to your son?"
"That's AH."
"Look, you're allowed to use your money as you see fit."
"Your children aren't entitled to your money."
"However, if you show favoritism, you are going to ruin your relationship with the not favorite child/ren."
"YTA because of what you said."- Princess-She-ra
"Wait, did you just imply during the conversation that you think your son's marriage will fall apart?"
"YTA."
"For the blatant favoritism AND for telling your son that you think there might be a divorce."
"That's really insensitive and mean."- realstareyes
"Somethings should be kept to yourself."
"I would have voted n-t-a if you only said 'it was different time. If you want, I'll pay for the next one too'."
"But insulting his wife was too far for my taste."
"Grace and diplomacy are not for every situation."
"This one should have been."
"YTA."- Fancy_Association484
"Honestly, I was on that end."
"Ex-FIL helped my ex-husband and I, like twice, because he hated me to his core and let everyone know it."
"TO CLARIFY his help was never expected."
"Ever."
"My ex reached out to him on a few occasions without my knowing, and he was declined because, well, he hated me."
"FIL helped out his other two children because 'they had better spouses with better careers.'"
"If you want to know why, I wasn't 'submissive' and had sh*tty jobs."
"He also had this thing where EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE needed to kiss his a** somehow/someway."
"And that HE'S the boss at the family events."
"Even at other people's houses."
"I never buckled for that sh*t."
"He'd constantly ask when I was getting a new job in front of people, when I started working a call center job he tried to bring it to the dinner conversation about how it's not reliable."
"My exes aunts chimed in to ask nice questions about my job and how I do it."
"Basically trying to let me know they know what he's doing."
"I got along with the aunts and uncles and cousins very well."
"Blatantly told my ex to cheat on me and he'd cover for him, as a 'joke.'"
"Those sh*tty (serving) jobs were supporting me and his son."
"Who constantly, and I mean constantly drank and got fired."
"Had DWIs."
"His favoritism back-fired like a motherf*cker, now his son has been living with him for over a year."
"Lost 2 jobs, has no car, no apt, nothing."
"Currently riding him everywhere he needs to."- Altruistic_Airline94
"YTA."
"Hope the memory of those one-liners keeps you warm in the nursing home."- neobeguine
"YTA."
"This is why people resent MILs."
"I don't care that you don't like your daughter-in-law."
"That's his wife."
"Unless she did something completely egregious, or you have some sort of religious/moral issue with her (like she's Jewish and your family is Muslim), you shouldn't be complaining."
"Even if she truly did something horrific and without apology or breaks some sort of family law you have going on, saying you didn't pay because you didn't like her is rotten."
"You should have said, 'I'm sorry, but I'll be paying for your brother's wedding', and left it at that."
"The issue isn't that you didn't pay for his wedding, but that you alienated your son and his wife."-Demetrios7100
"I'm cold towards my in-laws and hardly ever speak to them."
"Because they're a**holes."- samanandatha
A select few, however, didn't think the OP was showing signs of favoritism, even if they think he still went too far by his "next wedding" remark.
"NAH."
"You sound very generous, especially in the way you describe how pleased you are for your granddaughter."
"I can see how one may be offended by your 'next wedding' comment, but I laughed out loud."
"Great way to handle his silly favoritism remark."
"It does however seem inappropriate to tell your son you don't care for his wife."
"As parents, we tend to forget our opinions don't always matter and don't need to be shared."-StormyNight78
"'I'm willing to pay for his next wedding' made me laugh like a madman."
"YTA because the comment was mean, but the money is yours so you can spend it however you want."
"You should be aware though that you might have just made irreparable damage to your relationship with your other son."- Arillow
Sadly, not everyone gets along with their in-laws.
When this happens, however, the best thing anyone can do is make an effort and be cordial around one another, even if you'll never be best friends.
One thing you should definitely not do is tell your child you don't like their spouse. Seriously, why?!
Unless you want to potentially never speak to that child again.
Which sadly might be what's in store for the OP and his son.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp