We all have boundaries.
We all have limitations on what we are comfortable with sharing or what we're comfortable with doing.
Expressing those boundaries clearly can be a challenge, but once that's been accomplished all that's left is to enforce them.
The problem occurs when a boundary is stated, enforced - and ignored.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Life-Percentage-5567 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for writing up an employee who catfished me?"
OP began by explaining the setting.
"I'm a manager in a work environment that's rather casual where employees get close and spend a lot of time together outside of work."
"I'm a little traditional when it comes to employer/employee relationships so while I do participate in some activities to build morale and camaraderie (i.e. happy hours after work, attend weddings if invited, etc.),"
"I do not participate in social activities where things might get out of hand (i.e. going to concerts, clubbing, just going to someone's house to hang out, etc.)."
"This is a personal policy that I also extend to social media where I keep my profiles private and do not add or accept employees on all platforms."
"I just like to keep things private and don't want them to see where I spend my time, who I'm dating, etc."
"Recently a new hire asked me for my account, and I kindly let her know that I like to keep things private."
Everything was fine, until...
"I thought that was it, but she went ahead and made a fake account to follow me (going as far as to post fake photos and write a fake bio to look like we went to college together)."
"I found out because after I accepted her, she took screenshots of my photos and shared them to other colleagues."
"Thankfully there wasn't anything off base on my accounts, but she did share photos of a new boyfriend I haven't introduced yet as well as photos of a new designer bag I purchased and 'jokingly' asked everyone if he was my 'sugar daddy'".
"It was a huge breach of my privacy (her comments also embarrassed me), and I ended up writing her up (which is a semi-serious offense at our workplace that can lead to termination)."
"Since then, it's caused a huge drama at work with some employees thinking I can't take a joke and that I was taking things too far while others came out to support me."
"I hate that it's split up the team."
"Upper management supports my decision, but some employees have mentioned that I could have just verbally warned her first and that it was my own fault for falling for her catfish."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the issue, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
For some, this was a question of professionalism.
"NTA."
"That employee showed horrible professional judgment as well as engaged in behavior that could be considered harassment."
"It calls into question her ability to follow directions or even to understand basic professional norms."
"As for those complaining that you didn't give her a verbal warning... You did!"
"She asked for information about you and you politely warned her that was crossing a line."
"She then decided to not only disregard your warning, but to do it in a way where she didn't think she'd get caught."
"That's premeditation, and no longer deserves the benefit of the doubt."
"For any staff members who are confused about this, I would suggest a refresher course on sexual harassment."
"While her behavior may not have been sexually based, it violated a basic tenet of sexual harassment: namely that continuing to pursue someone after they've said no is wildly inappropriate."
"If your staff don't understand that, you have a bigger problem on your hands" ~ DinaFelice
"'She did share photos of a new boyfriend I haven't introduced yet as well as photos of a new designer bag I purchased and "jokingly" asked everyone if he was my "sugar daddy"."'
"I would say that bringing OP's love life into the office and asking if her boyfriend is her sugar daddy does constitute sexual harassment"
"It was humiliating, highly personal, and an allegation of a sexual nature (exchanging sex for material goods)." ~ Normal-Height-8577
"NTA."
"New hire? She hasn't built up enough cred to be able to joke with you like that and frankly, that's not even a joke it's weird insubordination and harassment. Fire them." ~ SnooHesitations9269
Others wondered about the motive.
"I am extremely on board with firing, idk if that's possible tho"
"She went out of her way to expose OPs private life in a work environment, even after she told her OPs not comfortable with that."
"Personally, idk if I would be able to work in the same team with her with everything that happened."
"As some comments said before, I would push for harassment training because is clear someone in OPs team needs it"
"I want to know wtf was she thinking, was she trying to discredit OP? To make fun of OPs circumstances? To broadcast all the 'dirty little secrets' found there?" ~ mintpink11
"Right, I'd like to know what she was thinking too."
"The 'joke' about a sugar daddy smells a bit misogynistic to me."
"Got nothing but guesses, but maybe it was a way to score like pick-me points while putting down someone above her (although OP didn't specify their gender so don't know if they're she also)."
"Like devaluing OP's finances and position - OP may be in management, but wants a fancy baggie from a man, of course it wouldn't be something they'd buy themselves."
"Or maybe the joke is supposed to be how she thinks fancy bags are dumb and how much better she is for not buying into this female silliness about expensive sh*t."
"Who knows! But I really don't like that kind of a 'joke'". ~ Riiroh
"Stalking, harrassment... and the question is WHY?"
"What kind of person gets their kicks doing this? All for the LOLZ? Going through all this trouble?"
"Frankly, I find it disturbing and would feel very uncomfortable having a coworker around me who did this. Trust in them would be gone."
"It is because of people like that, that we can't have nice things, FFS."
"OP, NTA - and I hope you consider the suggestion of staff training others have made." ~ RanaEire
Some gave very detailed reasoning.
"I think firing is 100% okay in this situation."
"- A verbal warning was given; I keep my social media private and separate from my work place and colleagues."
"- Person LIES ABOUT IDENTITY to her superior"
"- Impersonates someone she went to school with (catfishing, or fraudulent identity at that point, AND stalking)"
"- Steals private information (photos, posts, identity of SO)"
"- SPREADS private information (harassment, spreading rumors, gossip, etc)"
"- Teases/mocks boss for possibly being a 'Sugar baby' (at this point that's not only humiliation, but sexual harassment even)"
"She flat-out went for insubordination, humiliation, sexual harassment, fraudulent identity, stalking, and had even gotten a warning about it verballing in the first place."
"Fire. Her. Now."
"At first it seems like a 'wow I must be overthinking this' but what if she does it again?"
"What if she does it to spite her superior and get them fired?"
"To spread rumors? To change screen caps and send to the higher-ups?"
"I wouldn't put it past this woman to be crazy like that if she went from 0-100 JUST to dig through her boss' social media page." ~ deerchortle
"NTA that is a gross violation."
"She pretty much took the worry most of the general populace have and made it a reality."
"The blatant victim blaming by your employees also needs to be addressed preferably in a seminar where they take harassment training."
"Keep an eye on those employees because it sounds like worst case scenario they would do something similar as a "joke"'.
"Edit: Thank you for all the likes and awards guys! I just word vomited this out of sheer disgust." ~ BriefHorror
"So she"
"committed fraud"
"published private information"
"accused you of having a sugar daddy (sexual harassment)"
"This is not a 'joke'. At a minimum, it shows poor judgment and you can't trust her."
"Why haven't you discussed this with HR. This level of problem is fireable. And now they are retaliating."
"Is she a brand new hire still on probation? Terminate her."
"This is egregious. And egregious acts do not merit verbal warnings." ~ LadyLightTravel
Many called for a more permanent solution than a write up.
"HR here."
"I would probably terminate this person."
"A new hire that not only bullied their boss, but showed such an outstanding amount of unprofessionalism and bad judgement? You need to talk to HR about termination." ~ JennaMree
"NTA."
"You would also be completely justified in firing her." ~ PositivelySingleMom
Enforcing a boundary can be uncomfortable.
You have clearly stated that something makes you uncomfortable, and the other party not only does that thing, but finds a way to somehow make it more malicious than it already was.
Standing up for your own safety, for your own mental health, and for your own comfort is difficult...
...But absolutely vital.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.