For anyone who has struggled with them, migraines are no joke.
Because of that, seeking medical attention to help prevent them is vital, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor th_rowaw_ay6400 recently pushed their boyfriend to seek help after his migraines were clearly impacting his life.
But when he responded poorly to this advice, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they had overstepped.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my partner if he refuses to get migraines treated, then I will no longer be considerate of said migraines?”
The OP recently started dating someone who suffers from migraines.
“My partner and I have been together for a while.”
“He gets migraines.”
“He calls out of work about 3 times per month for them and will have about 5 more days a month of him not doing anything around the house after work because he says he has a migraine after getting home or being on his pc for an hour or two.”
“Usually, they end with me having to take care of him or clean up his vomit from various floors, sinks, counters, or trash cans.”
“I keep asking him to go to a doctor for it, and he won’t.”
The OP recently established new boundaries.
“After this last one, I lost it a bit.”
“I screamed at him about it. I told him that the next time he gets a migraine, if he hasn’t seen a doctor yet, I will scoop up all his vomit and pour it onto his PC (note: I wouldn’t ACTUALLY do this. I’m just so tired and disgusted of cleaning hurl and said it in anger).”
“I also said that I will no longer be walking on eggshells with noise or light.”
The OP’s boyfriend did not respond well to the new boundaries.
“He said I don’t understand and I’m being unfair and selfish.”
“But I DO understand – I have lupus.”
“And I don’t leave it for him to deal with and clean up from after working a full day – I work with my f**king doctor to treat it.”
“He won’t even see a d**n doctor!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were critical of the boyfriend for not being more mindful of potential triggers.
“Yeah, he’s just being irresponsible. Caffeine makes pain medication act faster.”
“My friend who’s been suffering migraines since she was 6 would do Advil and Tylenol with a cup of coffee in a pinch.”
“And avoiding caffeine when you typically drink 3 cups of coffee is certain to trigger a headache in anybody.”
“He knows his PC is a trigger but doesn’t reduce eye strain? Or time himself with breaks? This dude is not worth babying.” – maruchunn
“I don’t think it’s even about the cleaning. It’s about the lack of interest in helping yourself and then dumping it all on her to take care of.”
“My husband used to do the same. His migraine trigger was not eating at regular intervals.”
“I stopped caring for him after the 5th time in the same month that he arrived home with a major migraine (pain, vomit, light sensitivity) and told me he hadn’t eaten anything all day.”
“He’s an adult and he should know better. In his case, even asking me to bring him food is a proactive act.”
“In this case, he’s even refusing to take pills or try caffeine to see if that would help. That’s basic self-care. Not doing anything knowingly and then expecting others to deal with the consequences… it’s infuriating.” – nmrcdl
“I have migraines from a chronic condition that are not treated by doctors. I do all my own s**t and I’m 18.”
“I make sure I have enough to drink, I make sure I can go to the bathroom, I keep up to date with my doctor to see if anything has enhanced to get treatment, I make sure to avoid COMPUTERS, TV, and anything with blue light.”
“Your partner is probably intensifying his migraines using his computer. That is one of the biggest triggers for those with migraines.”
“He needs treatment and management for his migraines. Managing them is the basic steps. He is being totally ignorant of the fact he has this condition that is affecting YOUR quality of life as well.”
“People like him p**s me off.” – Blue_icecream88
Others couldn’t fathom why the boyfriend would knowingly put up with the pain.
“I’ve had 2 migraines in my 31 years on this earth.”
“The first, I was in my late teens-early 20’s and took the strongest painkillers I could find and went to bed where I wished for death.”
“The second was last year/year before. I called my mother and asked if my teen sibling would be ok with coming to my house to babysit my kids with payment in the form of Netflix and whatever they wanted from my cupboards, fridge, and freezer since I had a migraine.”
“Teen sibling turned up, I washed down the strongest pain meds I had with a can of Coke (since I don’t drink coffee but knew caffeine helped), told sibling I was going to bed, have fun doing whatever with the kids, just please keep the noise down. I emerged late the next day.”
“Dealing with that more often than I mow my lawn in winter is nightmare material” – Aesient
“I’ve only had a migraine once in my life and it was brutal.”
“I woke up at 4 am with a light headache, took some meds, and went back to sleep. Went to work at 7 am with my head hurting so bad, I started violently throwing up. I was walking kinda hunched over, head down, and squinting at everything (I was working as a chef in an assisted living facility at the time so everything was very bright) until I finally gave up and asked the manager to come in.”
“I went home, curled up under the covers, and laid there until I could somewhat fall asleep.”
“Same thing the next day, throwing up, squinty eyes, etc. That night it finally went away, and I passed out from utter exhaustion.”
“I cannot imagine having to go through this on a regular basis and you all have my sympathy! I would do everything possible to not experience that ever again. I don’t get why OP’s SO (significant other) is so against help.” – GypsySan24
“So he wants sympathy and people catering to him.”
“I have migraines.”
“I cannot imagine not taking a pill… or 6… and coffee when I felt a migraine coming on. I’m usually washing down pills with coffee.”
“I’ve seen doctors, specialists, massage, acupressure, you name it.”
“I also do my d**nedest to avoid my triggers (smells, heat). If I need to go out (I work from home now), I leave at 6 am and take the first bus, before most people go to work and I’m home just as the morning commute is beginning. That way I avoid the intense smell of perfume/cologne and the heat.”
“Again, what he wants is sympathy. The ‘poor me’ crap is the least sexy thing on the planet.”
“NTA” – TeacherWithOpinions
Some questioned the quality of the OP’s relationship (for her, at least).
“Honestly, I’d reconsider this relationship. It’s more like you’re a nurse-maid than a partner.” – Here_for_Tea
“I get migraines fairly regularly and have been in and out with the GP (General Practioner) trying to find out what works. In the end, we managed to narrow down my triggers (yay sweeteners and hormones), so now I know when to expect them (yay hormones), and I have medication to help me handle them.”
“There is absolutely no excuse for him to keep putting off seeking medical treatment, especially if it is costing him jobs.”
“At this point, I would be questioning whether a relationship where my SO (significant other) simply wanted me to cater to his illness without doing anything to help himself was something I could continue with without becoming bitter and resentful. Because that’s what it sounds like is happening with you, and a relationship where you are bitter and resentful isn’t healthy.” – Intrepid-Let9190
“NTA. Seriously – more people need to understand this. STOP BABYING YOUR PARTNER.”
“I get migraines every now and then too and you know what? I have a prescription for my doctor and it helps a LOT!”
“If he’s the point where he pukes – he can either clean it up himself if he thinks it’s not a big deal or he can go to the doctor.”
“You should also consider leaving him if he refuses to change, what happens when YOU need help?” – TrancesouTMan
Watching one of our loved ones suffer from something that might be prevented with medical help is hard, and the subReddit agreed, it’s best to encourage our loved ones to seek help.
If the boyfriend continues to not seek medical attention for what sound like serious migraines, that says more about his character than anything else.