When it comes to dealing with in-laws, everyone has a different tolerance level if they're unfortunate to have problematic family members.
One mom was at her wits end with her mother-in-law (MIL) and a recent interaction brought things to a boiling point.
So she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Huge-Perspective7682 asked:
"AITA for giving my MIL a final warning and saying I will cut her off if she doesn't stop treating me like a servant and badmouthing me to my kids?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Okay, I need some outside perspective because I'm honestly at my wit's end. I'm (F[female]) married to my husband for a few years now, and for most of that time, I've had this ongoing issue with my mother-in-law (MIL)."
"It's a situation I've been avoiding confronting because I didn't wanna cause drama, but at this point, I feel like I have no choice."
"My MIL is one of those people who just thinks she can talk down to me and treat me like I'm beneath her. She's constantly undermining me, dismissing anything I say or do, and acting like I don't have any say in my own life."
"It's been wearing me down for a while now, but what really crossed the line is how she treats me in front of my kids."
The OP gave the following examples.
"She's always badmouthing me in front of them, telling them things like I'm lazy, or that I don't care about the family. It's like she's trying to turn them against me, and that's not something I'm going to let slide."
"My husband's been supportive, but honestly, he's been kinda passive about the whole thing. He'll have small arguments with his mom here and there, but he's never really gone full-on with her. I've always hoped he would step up more, but it just never happened."
The OP continued:
"Well, a few days ago, MIL came over uninvited (which she does all the time) and just started going off on me in front of the kids. She was going on about how I don't keep the house clean enough, how I don't take care of the family properly, just constantly picking at me. I finally snapped."
"I told her she needed to stop talking to me like that, stop disrespecting me in my own home, and stop badmouthing me in front of the kids. I told her if this didn't change, I was done. I was gonna cut her off. No more visits, no more anything."
"My husband was shocked at first, but then he just looked at me and said he respected my decision. He agreed that if she couldn't show me basic respect, then it's time for her to go. I thought that was it we were on the same page finally."
However, peace was not restored.
"But MIL lost it."
"She started yelling at me, calling me controlling, saying I was being ridiculous, and that I have no right to talk to her like that. Of course, now my family is divided. Some people are telling me I did the right thing, others think I overreacted, that I should've handled it more calmly and not threatened her."
"I just don't know anymore. Was I wrong for giving her an ultimatum and saying I'd cut her off if she kept treating me like that? Or was I right to finally stand up for myself and draw a line in the sand? AITA for how I handled this?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Honestly, avoiding confrontation doesn't stop the drama from happening, it just prolongs it. She was way out of line, and your reaction was 100% warranted. Tell anyone who's against your reaction that they can adopt her as a MIL and see how long they last." – JadeLogan123
"No, you're NTA. But your MIL *and* your husband are both AHs. Like, you just (rightfully) went nuclear on your MIL and your husband's all 'Ok, kewl!' as if the whole situation was just another rolickin' fun family game night?"
"You husband needs to go retrieve his spine from wherever he left it. He's been letting his mother abuse you all this time without saying a word, and basically abandoned you to fend for yourself until you had no choice but to rip MIL a new one. He's a Grade A jerk." – Prize_Sorbet3366
"NTA. That was the right action, but several years late. You also need to put your husband on notice that passive doesn't work anymore. Either he is part of the solution and supports you 100%, or he is part of the problem."
"Have the boundaries and consequences conversation and have HIM inform his mother what the boundaries are and the immediate strong consequences that will immediately imposed each and every time she breaks a boundary." – Accomplished-Emu-591
"NTA by a long shot but you and your husband also have work to do with each other. That he let his mother's behaviour continue unchecked for so long, let her speak to you like that in front of your kids, absolutely blows my mind."
"He needs to be telling all the flying monkeys which are going to come rallying (partly because MIL will tell a distorted version of events), how awful her behaviour of you has been. He will also need to stand firm against his mother and not try and be the wish washy man in the middle."
"Honestly, if you're in the States o would be having relationship counselling about this. I'm probably more appalled by his behaviour than hers to be honest. But well done you." – CymruB
"NTA, make sure she doesn't have a spare key to the house if she does have it taken away or change the locks. Next time she comes over uninvited, don't open the door and tell her to leave as she was not invited over. When she starts screaming and banging on the door, tell the old hag if she doesn't leave you will call the police and have her arrested for trespassing and then do it."
"Tell her she's on a timeout. She can only come over when invited and even 1 word of disrespect shown to you she is out the door and in another timeout for 1 month. She does it again then next time 2 months. If she is bad mouthing you to family when she leaves then another month of NC. She will never respect you but Eventually learn to shut her mouth." – 18k_gold
"NtA: When you have both calmed down ask for a meeting to clear the air. Set your boundaries. Real rules. Like call before coming. Even if it's a drive by. If you don't have something nice to say don't say it. See something that needs to be done, do it. You don't like how I swept the floor, grab the broom lady I'm not stoping you."
"I have a MIL that is similar. One year into our marriage my husbands father died. He had been sick over a year and it took its toll on her. Plus she was still young'ish. She was over most nights and we all became very close during our grief. But too close. She was too familiar with our routines and I couldn't do anything right. Even potty training was wrong."
"I finally had to put my foot down when she convinced me to try a potty training method that I felt was borderline abuse and I just couldn't do that to my child. Here's the thing though. I stood up to her and gained her respect. Not in that moment but afterwards she came to me and said I was right and she was wrong."
"From then on I realized my voice was being heard. I also stopped 'entertaining' her if she came over it wasn't for a visit anymore. If she came over I would put her to work. Bathe your grandkids. Brush their teeth. Read them a book. Go for a walk. Here's the toilet brush. When you're done can you take out the trash? Or would rather make the salad or peel potatoes?" – Numerous_Reality5205
"You are NTA. It's important that your children see you refusing to be mistreated and for insisting on strong boundaries. More importantly it's important they see dad standing up for mom. You need to make sure your husband understands that by not being strict with his mother he is letting you, and your children, down."
"You've set the boundary, now your husband has to back you up and enforce it. I also highly recommend marital counseling so that he can understand how badly he's let his nuclear family down and what he had to do to protect all of you." – DogLvrinVA
Overall, Redditors supported the OP for standing up for herself, while others frowned upon the husband for not being a stronger champion for his wife.
The incident also served as a reminder to have the difficult conversations early on to avoid pent-up frustration that can lead to regrettable verbal exchanges later.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.