When it comes to dealing with in-laws, everyone has a different tolerance level if they’re unfortunate to have problematic family members.
One mom was at her wits end with her mother-in-law (MIL) and a recent interaction brought things to a boiling point.
So she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Huge-Perspective7682 asked:
“AITA for giving my MIL a final warning and saying I will cut her off if she doesn’t stop treating me like a servant and badmouthing me to my kids?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Okay, I need some outside perspective because I’m honestly at my wit’s end. I’m (F[female]) married to my husband for a few years now, and for most of that time, I’ve had this ongoing issue with my mother-in-law (MIL).”
“It’s a situation I’ve been avoiding confronting because I didn’t wanna cause drama, but at this point, I feel like I have no choice.”
“My MIL is one of those people who just thinks she can talk down to me and treat me like I’m beneath her. She’s constantly undermining me, dismissing anything I say or do, and acting like I don’t have any say in my own life.”
“It’s been wearing me down for a while now, but what really crossed the line is how she treats me in front of my kids.”
The OP gave the following examples.
“She’s always badmouthing me in front of them, telling them things like I’m lazy, or that I don’t care about the family. It’s like she’s trying to turn them against me, and that’s not something I’m going to let slide.”
“My husband’s been supportive, but honestly, he’s been kinda passive about the whole thing. He’ll have small arguments with his mom here and there, but he’s never really gone full-on with her. I’ve always hoped he would step up more, but it just never happened.”
The OP continued:
“Well, a few days ago, MIL came over uninvited (which she does all the time) and just started going off on me in front of the kids. She was going on about how I don’t keep the house clean enough, how I don’t take care of the family properly, just constantly picking at me. I finally snapped.”
“I told her she needed to stop talking to me like that, stop disrespecting me in my own home, and stop badmouthing me in front of the kids. I told her if this didn’t change, I was done. I was gonna cut her off. No more visits, no more anything.”
“My husband was shocked at first, but then he just looked at me and said he respected my decision. He agreed that if she couldn’t show me basic respect, then it’s time for her to go. I thought that was it we were on the same page finally.”
However, peace was not restored.
“But MIL lost it.”
“She started yelling at me, calling me controlling, saying I was being ridiculous, and that I have no right to talk to her like that. Of course, now my family is divided. Some people are telling me I did the right thing, others think I overreacted, that I should’ve handled it more calmly and not threatened her.”
“I just don’t know anymore. Was I wrong for giving her an ultimatum and saying I’d cut her off if she kept treating me like that? Or was I right to finally stand up for myself and draw a line in the sand?
AITA for how I handled this?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Honestly, avoiding confrontation doesn’t stop the drama from happening, it just prolongs it. She was way out of line, and your reaction was 100% warranted. Tell anyone who’s against your reaction that they can adopt her as a MIL and see how long they last.” – JadeLogan123
“No, you’re NTA. But your MIL *and* your husband are both AHs. Like, you just (rightfully) went nuclear on your MIL and your husband’s all ‘Ok, kewl!’ as if the whole situation was just another rolickin’ fun family game night?”
“You husband needs to go retrieve his spine from wherever he left it. He’s been letting his mother abuse you all this time without saying a word, and basically abandoned you to fend for yourself until you had no choice but to rip MIL a new one. He’s a Grade A jerk.” – Prize_Sorbet3366
“NTA. That was the right action, but several years late. You also need to put your husband on notice that passive doesn’t work anymore. Either he is part of the solution and supports you 100%, or he is part of the problem.”
“Have the boundaries and consequences conversation and have HIM inform his mother what the boundaries are and the immediate strong consequences that will immediately imposed each and every time she breaks a boundary.” – Accomplished-Emu-591
“NTA by a long shot but you and your husband also have work to do with each other. That he let his mother’s behaviour continue unchecked for so long, let her speak to you like that in front of your kids, absolutely blows my mind.”
“He needs to be telling all the flying monkeys which are going to come rallying (partly because MIL will tell a distorted version of events), how awful her behaviour of you has been. He will also need to stand firm against his mother and not try and be the wish washy man in the middle.”
“Honestly, if you’re in the States o would be having relationship counselling about this. I’m probably more appalled by his behaviour than hers to be honest. But well done you.” – CymruB
“NTA, make sure she doesn’t have a spare key to the house if she does have it taken away or change the locks. Next time she comes over uninvited, don’t open the door and tell her to leave as she was not invited over. When she starts screaming and banging on the door, tell the old hag if she doesn’t leave you will call the police and have her arrested for trespassing and then do it.”
“Tell her she’s on a timeout. She can only come over when invited and even 1 word of disrespect shown to you she is out the door and in another timeout for 1 month. She does it again then next time 2 months. If she is bad mouthing you to family when she leaves then another month of NC. She will never respect you but Eventually learn to shut her mouth.” – 18k_gold
“NtA: When you have both calmed down ask for a meeting to clear the air. Set your boundaries. Real rules. Like call before coming. Even if it’s a drive by. If you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it. See something that needs to be done, do it. You don’t like how I swept the floor, grab the broom lady I’m not stoping you.”
“I have a MIL that is similar. One year into our marriage my husbands father died. He had been sick over a year and it took its toll on her. Plus she was still young’ish. She was over most nights and we all became very close during our grief. But too close. She was too familiar with our routines and I couldn’t do anything right. Even potty training was wrong.”
“I finally had to put my foot down when she convinced me to try a potty training method that I felt was borderline abuse and I just couldn’t do that to my child. Here’s the thing though. I stood up to her and gained her respect. Not in that moment but afterwards she came to me and said I was right and she was wrong.”
“From then on I realized my voice was being heard. I also stopped ‘entertaining’ her if she came over it wasn’t for a visit anymore. If she came over I would put her to work. Bathe your grandkids. Brush their teeth. Read them a book. Go for a walk. Here’s the toilet brush. When you’re done can you take out the trash? Or would rather make the salad or peel potatoes?” – Numerous_Reality5205
“You are NTA. It’s important that your children see you refusing to be mistreated and for insisting on strong boundaries. More importantly it’s important they see dad standing up for mom. You need to make sure your husband understands that by not being strict with his mother he is letting you, and your children, down.”
“You’ve set the boundary, now your husband has to back you up and enforce it. I also highly recommend marital counseling so that he can understand how badly he’s let his nuclear family down and what he had to do to protect all of you.” – DogLvrinVA
Overall, Redditors supported the OP for standing up for herself, while others frowned upon the husband for not being a stronger champion for his wife.
The incident also served as a reminder to have the difficult conversations early on to avoid pent-up frustration that can lead to regrettable verbal exchanges later.