Confronting a family member who routinely behaves badly can be difficult.
But the reason many behave like entitled jerks is that everyone lets them. Being the person who calls them out is usually a solo venture, as people will tolerate the intolerable to “keep the piece.”
A husband who confronted his mother-in-law over her rude behavior turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Beneficial-Lab6495 asked:
“Mother-in-law (MIL) took my birthday cake—should I apologize?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (female, 37) and I (male, 38) are from two different cultures. I am from Europe and my wife is from the Middle East. We live in Canada.”
“My birthday was two nights ago, and my wife got me a small cake, my favorite cake from my favorite bakery.”
“My mother-in-law was at our home for dinner. We cut the cake, and after dinner, my wife went to put our baby to bed.”
“I was supposed to give MIL a ride to my sister-in-law’s place. MIL grabbed the leftover cake in the box to take with her.”
“I asked her if she was taking the leftover cake, and she said yes, for SIL and her grandson. I said, ‘But that is my favorite cake and I was hoping to eat the leftover tomorrow’.”
“She seemed really insulted and said that I had already had cake and that I was being petty because I was taking the cake from a five-year-old boy. I said, ‘Fine, take the cake’.”
“After I came back, I told my wife, and she said it is a cultural thing. You have to share the cake, and I was rude and owe MIL an apology because I made her feel bad.”
“AITAH for not wanting to apologize and thinking I deserved the leftover cake?”
The OP later added:
“It was a small 6-inch cake. The leftover was about half of the cake.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to expect to keep his own cake (NTA).
“NTA. It’s pretty normal to expect the leftovers to be yours when someone brings you a birthday cake.” ~ IzilDizzle
“She stole the cake without saying a word, basically, and then called OP names and manipulated him when he called her out on it.”
“If that was a diamond necklace with many diamonds or something that was given to his wife as birthday gift, would MIL then say ‘oh look at all those diamonds, I’m gonna give one to your sister-in-law and to your nephew and one to your brother’?”
“Hell no, birthday cake is a gift!”Â
“I’ve never heard of this role apply to this culture, so I don’t even know if it’s a thing, but it is a thing in the majority of the world that if you are given a birthday cake, it is yours to do with what you want.”
“So maybe it’s not a culture thing at all, correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe it’s MIL manipulating everything to make everyone share cake and not letting anyone keep leftovers.”
“I agree to an extent the MIL should not have had any access to the cake, because it was not hers to take. And the wife has no excuse to blame it on culture and say that OP needs to apologize.”
“They’re not respecting his culture so why should he respect theirs?”
“Also, the five-year-old didn’t know about any cake, so he’s not taking cake from a five-year-old. He’s saying the cake is mine to do what I want with, and then MIL said that to manipulate him.”
“And the wife still thinks that it’s OK with what she did? Hell no, I’m sorry, but no.” ~ Particular_Cycle9667
“I always find these ‘cultural’ arguments very suspicious. You don’t know what the ‘cultural’ etiquette actually is so you can’t argue. It’s used as a trump card to excuse any poor behaviour.”
“But what you can argue is ‘it’s not MY culture and we are living in Canada, your mother was very rude and she’s lived here long enough to know that’. She owes him an apology (but don’t expect one).”
“I suspect it actually isn’t Middle Eastern culture to snatch leftovers like that. You have been around your wife’s culture long enough to know.”
“She probably didn’t like or expect her rude behaviour to be called out and that’s why she’s offended.” ~ blueflash775
“Yes, and that cultural thing always has to come from one side? Why? MIL should consider it a cultural thing herself! She can’t take the cake because in OP’s culture, that is a really weird thing to do!” ~ FriedLipstick
“Because she planned on eating another piece herself with the SIL and 5-year-old. She didn’t care about OP or the fact that it was his birthday, and his cake, and he should be the one to have another piece later. As long as she got more cake herself.” ~ Frequent_Couple5498
“I imagine taking the whole leftover cake without asking is poor form in any culture. MIL asking if she could take a small slice for her grandchild is totally acceptable, but just taking the entire leftovers for the extended family is just rude.” ~ kmary75
“And then gaslighting him for being upset about her rudeness.” ~ Psychological-Dot475
“NTA. Sounds like your wife needs to buy you another cake.” ~ NYCStoryteller
“I know a lot of people from the Middle East. They would be horrified by this story, so not sure which ‘culture’ she’s talking about.”
“In fact, it seems the exact opposite of Middle Eastern culture. People from the Middle East tend to be very generous culturally as a matter of honor (I have seen fights over who gets to pay the bill).” ~ DesireeThymes
“I’m Middle Eastern and your wife is full of it. It’s very rude to take without asking.” ~ elephantindeltawaves
“I just feel like a simple ‘oh that cake is really good, do you mind if I take a piece for so-and-so?’ would’ve been an appropriate thing to do in most cultures.”
“Not necessarily tradition, but nobody would mind a question, right? I’m sure OP could’ve spared a piece and still have those delicious leftovers. Instead he got nothing.” ~ Vegetable-Week-8944
“I happily share my birthday cake. Take a slice home, have at ‘er!”
“But just taking without asking? And then making OP feel bad for wanting his own f*cking birthday cake?”
“That’s Grinch-level of party-pooping!” ~ Bainsyboy
“Yeah, I think OP needs to do a quick Google because there isn’t any kind of Middle Eastern cultural practice of taking away someone else’s birthday gift/food without asking to gift to someone else.” ~ Readingreddit12345
“Exactly, even in cultures known to shove leftovers at you like Greeks, Italians, and some Irish families they portion out the leftovers and ask who wants leftovers and you get a portion.”
“And you definitely don’t just grab something without asking.”
“The only time I walked away with a whole container was my friend’s mom’s wedding where she over made a ton of cupcakes, so I walked home with a bin of them. Think of the plastic bins that slide under a bed. She asked and I told them whatever amount they want. Thankfully I didn’t get tired of the snickerdoodle cupcakes.” ~ Katmarand
“NTA. I would argue that it’s the culture of the person who the cake is for the matters the most in this scenario. It’s your birthday, your cake, your cultural expectations apply.”
“When they have their birthdays, their cultural expectations can apply.”
“I would definitely not apologize and instead have a conversation with your wife about 1) birthday traditions in both cultures so you are both aware and 2) why you don’t want to apologize.”
“Also, I’m not sure about your culture specifically, but most that I know of you ASK before taking food/leftovers from a party, you don’t just assume and grab. The host is supposed to offer it to you.” ~ SillyMoose25
“As a born and raised Canadian who grew up in a Middle Eastern household, this is BS. She would be offered a piece to take home, but not just take a whole cake without asking.” ~ Senekka11
“One thing I learned from my sh*tty MIL is that sh*tty people will weaponize everything they can. I got the ‘it’s our culture’ line so many times and then we met other people outside of MIL’s little circle from the same culture who scoffed and said ‘no, that’s just being rude and greedy’.” ~ ex_ter_min_ate_
“You do not owe MIL an apology.”
“Did MIL buy it? Nope.”
“Did SIL attend? Nope.”
“Not a fan of this ‘cultural’ thing or ‘MIL entitlement’ thing.”
“Your birthday. Your cake. Go buy yourself another one and enjoy every last bite!” ~ Mom2rats47
“NTA. Maybe you should explain that in your culture it’s very impolite to take the birthday cake from the person who celebrates the birthday, and that while you are willing to adjust to her tradition on her special day, you want the same for you on your special day.”
“The acceptance of different cultures goes both ways, but there are some people who believe it’s better to blame their culture instead of admitting their mother is just rude and entitled, and that’s just not okay.” ~ Whatever_1967
“I think your wife is the a**hole. If she knew this was her mother’s cultural practice (I’m Middle Eastern, too, but I’d never grab leftovers out of someone else’s fridge or off their table. I’ve never heard that being a thing), it was her job to either warn you, warn her mother, or get more cake.”
“There’s no way I would buy a cake for someone and then not make sure they had as much of it as they wanted, just so that some random kid who isn’t even there can get a slice.”
“If it was a genuine ‘cultural’ misunderstanding, she’d never have left with the cake after you said you wanted to eat it. Your wife knows her mother was taking advantage.” ~ Purl_stitch483
It sounds like this was a mother-in-law thing, not a cultural thing.
If OP’s wife doesn’t want to confront her mother’s rude behavior, that doesn’t mean OP has to tolerate it.