/GettAh, yes, the absolute joy of being criticized by someone who utterly failed to do the thing they're criticizing you for.
Throw in the fact it's an in-law, and what they're criticizing is your parenting, and fun for all is decidedly not what ensues.
But who's in the wrong—the hypocrite or the hypocrite's target that points out their hypocrisy?
A mom dealing with her mother-in-law's unsolicited feedback turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback she actually wants.
Defiant_Pay7923 asked:
"AITA for arguing with my mother-in-law (MIL) over laundry?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This seems like such an insanely petty argument, but it's causing some friction in my family."
"My daughter (Brandi for the purpose of this post) is 13 years-old and last year started doing her own laundry. I showed her how to do it a time or two, and she has taken over from there."
"Over Christmas break, my in-laws took my older kids on a ski vacation. Brandi said MIL offered to do her laundry, but Brandi told her it was fine; she would do her own."
"Seems like a non-issue, right? You would think so!"
"When they came back from the trip, MIL pulled me aside to talk to me. She said she noticed Brandi didn't turn her clothes the proper way before folding them, so everything was inside out when she folded it and put it away."
"I said, 'okay' because...okay?"
"Apparently, this was the most egregious thing to MIL. So much so that she mentioned it every time I saw her."
"I told her that Brandi is doing her laundry, so the way she does it is her business. So long as it's clean and put away, I don't care if it's turned inside out."
"This was not good enough for MIL. She went to speak to Brandi about it."
"Brandi's stance was: 1. why does it matter if she puts them 'outside in' before folding them or wearing them? It makes no difference and 2. She likes picking a shirt to wear at random, not knowing what the design of it is, and building an outfit around it."
"She called it 'outfit roulette'."
"Again, MIL thought this was unacceptable. I've told her to stop."
"My husband has told her repeatedly to stop, and after he said if she didn't stop, she wasn't allowed over, she stopped mentioning it. Until today."
"She brought it up again. It's not proper. It's lazy. It's a bad habit. Then she said, 'if you were a good mother, you would teach her to do her laundry properly'."
"I snapped back, 'Your son is 44 years old, and I have been doing his laundry for 17 years. Before that, he paid to have it done for him. If we want to talk about parenting skills and teaching kids to do laundry, maybe we should start with YOU. Mind your own business'."
"My husband cackled, but my MIL was furious and stormed out. She also told everyone else in the family, and while many of them are on my side, more than I would expect are not and have said I was unnecessarily cruel and unkind, and now I'm not sure if I went too far."
"And for the record, yes, I do my husband's laundry because he hates doing it himself. But he cleans all the toilets, and we have two teens and two potty-training toddlers, so I'd argue I have the better end of the agreement, to be honest."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Arguing with my MIL about laundry and implying judgment of her parenting skills."
"Some family members have said I was unnecessarily cruel to 'an old woman' (she's 64, not that old!) and I have been told by more than one person that I should apologize."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
NTA, of course. By the way, I love the way you went about it. I mean, she had it coming, right?"
"Maybe that poor 'old' woman (I'm ten years younger than her, and if you ever tried to call me old, I would be very embarrassed) is one of the old-fashioned thinking that a male family member should do 'male' things like mowing the lawn, maintaining the cars, but not 'female' things like cooking, doing laundry and so on."
"If so, does she know her precious son knows how to clean the toilets? If not, you for sure should tell her (and take a picture of her face and send it to me)."
"My mother is like that. She always did all the household chores, and if she did not feel like it, it was my turn, but never my brother's."
"I do remember when my brother was doing his apprenticeship years ago—he would come home occasionally with big suitcases full of laundry she would do for him. She would complain to me how much work it was to do that."
"I remember one time he did that when I was home for summer break—I spent two days of doing his laundry (including 8 hours of ironing his white shirts) because poor MommyDearest had a bad back (something that only ever happened when I was around to take over)."
"I talked to my brother—who was about 20 at that time—and told him he was old enough to do his own laundry. He was like, 'yeah, sure, can do' and never brought home any more laundry."
"Guess what she was complaining about then? Yes, him not bringing his laundry anymore."
"A few months ago, she complained about my father being useless when it comes to housework."
"I mean, she's not wrong; he is, and he's the kind of man who would starve in front of a full fridge, but he's 80 now, and they've been together for 55 years, so that's her doing, and I told her so.
"She was not happy." ~ redsoxx1996
"NTA. Honestly, I applaud you both for realizing what's important (the child doing their own laundry) and what's not (the child doing their own laundry to stupid, unimportant standards). And kudos for clapping back at your MIL."
"She was straight up being sexist, wanting you to teach your daughter to be a proper housewife."
"My grandparents were furious I couldn't set a proper multi-course table setting. I'm 44, and I am doing just fine without that precious skill." ~ Ok_Register3005
"NTA. I am so confused as to why it is OK for one person to belittle and berate someone, but when you answer back, people tell you to apologize."
"She called you a bad mother. You pointed out that by HER definition, so is she."
"I am of the school of don't dish it out if you can't take it." ~ Reddit
"OP is NTA. The fact that MIL was repeatedly asked to stop, didn't, and then WAILLLLEEED to the rest of the family about how SHE was wronged tells us pretty clearly that MIL is the a**hole."
"OP should find the 'Don't Rock The Boat' post, cut and paste it into EVERY TEXT from someone taking MIL's side, and then block them."
"And then turn everyone's laundry inside out. OUTFIT ROULETTE FOR EVERYONE!!" ~ Abject-Technician558
Don't Rock The Boat is a Reddit post from six years ago in which Breakfastpotato stated:
"'Don't rock the boat'. I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is."
"Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly, not giving a f*ck."
"At some point in her youth, Mum/Mum-In-Law gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again and again."
"Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own."
"The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler—someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking."
"The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so, therefore,, his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?"
"Ballast!"
"And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong, and he'll fall over."
"There's a good chance the boat rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it because it did."
"When you're added to their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work!"
"They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping."
"Now you and your husband get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the original boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder."
"While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!"
"So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and husband see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier."
"You know what would be much easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard."
People concurred with the advice.
"And there's nothing wrong with chewing out a 64-year-old (I'm 64!) who is violating boundaries!" ~ Intermountain-Gal
"NTA. MIL sounds neurotic and seems as though she doesn't agree with anything that doesn't fit her standards. This is so trivial it's hilarious."
"She needs to grow up. This was none of her business, and is it even really 'business'?"
"It's so irrelevant. Why does it matter how your daughter does her laundry? It's honestly stupid."
"What you did wasn't mean or overreacting at all. You simply put her in her place." ~ lightscameraaccion1
"NTA, but your MIL is!! Good for you for pointing out that she didn't do her job!"
"Outfit roulette is hilarious, and I share the who cares which side is out. I just turn it right side out when I put it on. It's not a crime—if it was, I'd have been thrown in laundry jail years ago."
"It would also have had my Mom thrown in laundry jail! I remember learning to do laundry at 10 using a wringer washer!" ~ StormyMcGee68
While OP's mother-in-law and her enablers are unhappy, Reddit was down for outfit roulette.
They assured OP that both she and her daughter were doing just fine.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp