Having a namesake—a child named after you—can be a great honor for a parent, grandparent or other family member or friend.
But is there an obligation to name your child after someone?
A woman dealing with an angry mother-in-law turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
AcceptableAd8609 asked:
"AITA for not naming my daughter after mother-in-law (MIL), and neither allowing her to have a special nickname for her granddaughter?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) recently welcomed my daughter Carolyn, about a month back. Her name has been a point of contention with my MIL (Margaret) ever since."
"For context, my SIL (husband's sister, Lena, 27, female) had her baby daughter two years ago, and named her 'Agatha' after her own MIL. Needless to say, Granny Agatha was overjoyed."
"This naming slightly miffed Lena's mom/my MIL (Margaret), as the baby hadn't been named after her, nor given a middle name honoring her. Although she never communicated this with Lena directly, she would make backhanded comments about this."
"When MIL found out that me & my husband were having a girl, she assumed we were going to name her Margaret or something similar like Margot—even though we had never said anything as such. For e.g., when we announced the baby's gender at a family gathering, she responded that she 'cannot wait to meet mini Margaret'."
"I didn't say anything at the time to avoid conflict in front of the entire family, but brought it up in private with my husband later that day. He said that she probably said it 'on a whim' out of endearment for her granddaughter, since we had not yet decided upon a name at the time."
"My husband did bring up honoring MIL, but I vetoed it. He didn't push much either."
"When we finally did decide upon the name though, a few weeks later, I had a bad feeling about her reaction. I really didn't want someone to constantly pester us/try to convince us of changing the name just a few weeks before birth, so I told my husband that I wanted to meet the baby first and be fully convinced that she was a 'Carolyn' before announcing the names."
"Unbeknownst to us, all this while, my MIL had been going around telling her friends how the baby was going to be named after her and how they would be Peggy & 'Maggie', etc... After Carolyn was born and we announced her name to family and friends, my MIL was LIVID."
"She argued about how we 'broke the tradition' by choosing a different name 'last minute'. I responded that my SIL naming her daughter after her own MIL does not constitute/lay down any 'tradition' and naming my daughter Margaret/Margot was never in consideration in the first place."
"She then claimed that we were embarrassing her in front of all her friends now that she had told them about the granddaughter being named after her."
"My husband tried to intervene by saying that she can still call the baby Maggie if she'd like and that could be her nickname for Carolyn, but by that point, I was so mad over the situation that I refused to let that happen."
"Me & my husband later had a mini argument over this, and he said that although he understands that MIL is being a bit unreasonable, I was being too harsh by not even allowing Maggie as a nickname for her."
"I said that I would have considered doing so had she not gone behind our backs and spread the word about the baby being named after her, and later arguing/accusing us of embarrassing her."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Not allowing my MIL to have a special nickname for my daughter after she went behind our backs to announce an assumed name for my daughter. Husband says I'm escalating the situation and being too harsh."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. 'Buttercup' would be a special nickname between a grandmother and grandchild. This is an old lady wanting to make YOUR baby about her, but embarrassed herself by getting caught lying to all her friends and she's now trying to save face."
"Congrats on your little Carolyn! A name and especially a nickname should be in reference to something special about YOU, not about rude old ladies you happen to be related to!" ~ the-roaring-girl
"NTA. This Isn't a tradition, this is her ego talking. Your husband should be mortified by his mother's behavior and just shut this down." ~ Reddit
"Maggie is not even remotely a nickname for Carolyn. Husband wants to reward his mom's manipulative lies to her friends. NTA." ~ LingonberryPrior6896
"Imagine her being raised being called Carolyn and Maggie. So confusing. NTA."
"Which one is my name? Explaining to people her grandma calls her Maggie, 'My name is Carolyn but my grandma calls me Maggie because she wanted me to be named after her!'." ~ No_Cat_5415
"'Grandma calls me Maggie because she is an entitled narcissistic witch who can't take "NO!" for an answer'." ~ kamwick
"My childhood nickname was natrat, later Bill Nye. I recognised these were both nicknames, because I'm obviously not Bill Nye and I know my actual name."
"Nicknames generally either come from some shortened version of your name, an inside joke or as a term of endearment. The problem is Maggie isn't a clear nickname."
"It's not a shortened version of Carolyn, there is no inside joke and there's no endearment there. Maggie is a completely different name, you can't get from Carolyn to Maggie."
"Moreover, it's an actual name, whereas natrat, jbird, scooter, spider etc... aren't. It could easily be confusing, especially when they're younger and starting to learn their name, and being called two completely different names."
"It might be different if this was a common thing in the family, but it seems this child would be the only one with a completely different name given as a 'nickname'." ~ Reddit
"Ask MIL who got to name her kids."
"It's her fault for lying to everyone and assuming that, once she was embarrassed, they should change the name to help her save face. She's both competitive and narcissistic."
"I don't even understand. Sure, I'd be flattered if someone named their child after me, but it won't ruin my life if they didn't. NTA." ~ babcock27
"In no world is Maggie a nickname for Carolyn. It is an entirely different name."
"Your mother-in-law made an assumption and she was wrong. If she doesn't love the baby's name, she can call her sweetie or something, but she doesn't get to re-name her."
"Your husband needs to hop on the train, too. It will be ridiculously confusing to have a kid with two completely different names. NTA." ~ No_Gold3131
"NTA. You never said you were naming your child after her, she just let her ego take over and assumed. You didn't embarrass her, she embarrassed herself."
"You have nothing to reproach yourself for in this situation."
"You seem to have a good handle on dealing with your MIL, but I'd definitely have a serious, sit down talk with your husband on managing behavior going forward and what the two of you are and aren't willing to accept, and the support you would like from one another."
"If your husband wants to cave to her to keep the peace now, it sets a precedent for the future that this kind of behavior gives her what she wants and that he'll give in on everything if she just keeps badgering him." ~ VThaddeusToadEsq
"NTA. Your baby is not a tool to be used as a peacekeeper. It's not her job to make other's happy."
"She's her own person. Named Carolyn, not Maggie."
"We did break tradition with our girl. In our family the middle name always goes to a family member."
"We decided not to do this and give our child a completely original and unique name. She has her own name to grow into with no expectations (positive as they may be)."
"Everyone was fine with it, and if they weren't we never heard anything other than 'What a beautiful name for a beautiful baby'." ~ Vulpix-Rawr
"NTA. MIL brought the embarrassment upon herself. You could have perhaps shut all this down earlier, but she was the one making the idiotic assumptions."
"Also, using Maggie as a nickname for Carolyn is ridiculous. That's not how nicknames work." ~ cubemissy
"NTA. Your MIL is a pushy self-centered a**hole though. She's delusional to think she can name your baby."
"But your biggest problem is your husband. He needs to grow a spine and stop being an appeasing momma's boy."
"Tell him he should be choosing his primary family (you and child) over his bully mother. She's now just secondary family. Tell him to learn to use the word NO with his mommy." ~ More-Yogurtcloset531
"NTA. How the hell is Maggie a nickname for Carolyn?"
"Your MIL is too much and your husband needs to grow a set. I would have been beyond livid that he suggested that. WTF is wrong with him?" ~ No-Consequence3985
People agreed with OP that no "compromise" was necessary to appease her mother-in-law.
If grandma is allowed to call Carolyn "Maggie," who else will she demand do it? Will everyone have to call Carolyn Maggie whenever grandma is there?
If so, OP and her husband might as well just rename their daughter. Otherwise that will be a very confused child with an embarrassing explanation for why people call her Maggie.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp