Having a namesake—a child named after you—can be a great honor for a parent, grandparent or other family member or friend.
But is there an obligation to name your child after someone?
A woman dealing with an angry mother-in-law turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
AcceptableAd8609 asked:
“AITA for not naming my daughter after mother-in-law (MIL), and neither allowing her to have a special nickname for her granddaughter?“
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (29, female) recently welcomed my daughter Carolyn, about a month back. Her name has been a point of contention with my MIL (Margaret) ever since.”
“For context, my SIL (husband’s sister, Lena, 27, female) had her baby daughter two years ago, and named her ‘Agatha’ after her own MIL. Needless to say, Granny Agatha was overjoyed.”
“This naming slightly miffed Lena’s mom/my MIL (Margaret), as the baby hadn’t been named after her, nor given a middle name honoring her. Although she never communicated this with Lena directly, she would make backhanded comments about this.”
“When MIL found out that me & my husband were having a girl, she assumed we were going to name her Margaret or something similar like Margot—even though we had never said anything as such. For e.g., when we announced the baby’s gender at a family gathering, she responded that she ‘cannot wait to meet mini Margaret’.”
“I didn’t say anything at the time to avoid conflict in front of the entire family, but brought it up in private with my husband later that day. He said that she probably said it ‘on a whim’ out of endearment for her granddaughter, since we had not yet decided upon a name at the time.”
“My husband did bring up honoring MIL, but I vetoed it. He didn’t push much either.”
“When we finally did decide upon the name though, a few weeks later, I had a bad feeling about her reaction. I really didn’t want someone to constantly pester us/try to convince us of changing the name just a few weeks before birth, so I told my husband that I wanted to meet the baby first and be fully convinced that she was a ‘Carolyn’ before announcing the names.”
“Unbeknownst to us, all this while, my MIL had been going around telling her friends how the baby was going to be named after her and how they would be Peggy & ‘Maggie’, etc… After Carolyn was born and we announced her name to family and friends, my MIL was LIVID.”
“She argued about how we ‘broke the tradition’ by choosing a different name ‘last minute’. I responded that my SIL naming her daughter after her own MIL does not constitute/lay down any ‘tradition’ and naming my daughter Margaret/Margot was never in consideration in the first place.”
“She then claimed that we were embarrassing her in front of all her friends now that she had told them about the granddaughter being named after her.”
“My husband tried to intervene by saying that she can still call the baby Maggie if she’d like and that could be her nickname for Carolyn, but by that point, I was so mad over the situation that I refused to let that happen.”
“Me & my husband later had a mini argument over this, and he said that although he understands that MIL is being a bit unreasonable, I was being too harsh by not even allowing Maggie as a nickname for her.”
“I said that I would have considered doing so had she not gone behind our backs and spread the word about the baby being named after her, and later arguing/accusing us of embarrassing her.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Not allowing my MIL to have a special nickname for my daughter after she went behind our backs to announce an assumed name for my daughter. Husband says I’m escalating the situation and being too harsh.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘Buttercup’ would be a special nickname between a grandmother and grandchild. This is an old lady wanting to make YOUR baby about her, but embarrassed herself by getting caught lying to all her friends and she’s now trying to save face.”
“Congrats on your little Carolyn! A name and especially a nickname should be in reference to something special about YOU, not about rude old ladies you happen to be related to!” ~ the-roaring-girl
“NTA. This Isn’t a tradition, this is her ego talking. Your husband should be mortified by his mother’s behavior and just shut this down.” ~ Reddit
“Maggie is not even remotely a nickname for Carolyn. Husband wants to reward his mom’s manipulative lies to her friends. NTA.” ~ LingonberryPrior6896
“Imagine her being raised being called Carolyn and Maggie. So confusing. NTA.”
“Which one is my name? Explaining to people her grandma calls her Maggie, ‘My name is Carolyn but my grandma calls me Maggie because she wanted me to be named after her!’.” ~ No_Cat_5415
“‘Grandma calls me Maggie because she is an entitled narcissistic witch who can’t take “NO!” for an answer’.” ~ kamwick
“My childhood nickname was natrat, later Bill Nye. I recognised these were both nicknames, because I’m obviously not Bill Nye and I know my actual name.”
“Nicknames generally either come from some shortened version of your name, an inside joke or as a term of endearment. The problem is Maggie isn’t a clear nickname.”
“It’s not a shortened version of Carolyn, there is no inside joke and there’s no endearment there. Maggie is a completely different name, you can’t get from Carolyn to Maggie.”
“Moreover, it’s an actual name, whereas natrat, jbird, scooter, spider etc… aren’t. It could easily be confusing, especially when they’re younger and starting to learn their name, and being called two completely different names.”
“It might be different if this was a common thing in the family, but it seems this child would be the only one with a completely different name given as a ‘nickname’.” ~ Reddit
“Ask MIL who got to name her kids.”
“It’s her fault for lying to everyone and assuming that, once she was embarrassed, they should change the name to help her save face. She’s both competitive and narcissistic.”
“I don’t even understand. Sure, I’d be flattered if someone named their child after me, but it won’t ruin my life if they didn’t. NTA.” ~ babcock27
“In no world is Maggie a nickname for Carolyn. It is an entirely different name.”
“Your mother-in-law made an assumption and she was wrong. If she doesn’t love the baby’s name, she can call her sweetie or something, but she doesn’t get to re-name her.”
“Your husband needs to hop on the train, too. It will be ridiculously confusing to have a kid with two completely different names. NTA.” ~ No_Gold3131
“NTA. You never said you were naming your child after her, she just let her ego take over and assumed. You didn’t embarrass her, she embarrassed herself.”
“You have nothing to reproach yourself for in this situation.”
“You seem to have a good handle on dealing with your MIL, but I’d definitely have a serious, sit down talk with your husband on managing behavior going forward and what the two of you are and aren’t willing to accept, and the support you would like from one another.”
“If your husband wants to cave to her to keep the peace now, it sets a precedent for the future that this kind of behavior gives her what she wants and that he’ll give in on everything if she just keeps badgering him.” ~ VThaddeusToadEsq
“NTA. Your baby is not a tool to be used as a peacekeeper. It’s not her job to make other’s happy.”
“She’s her own person. Named Carolyn, not Maggie.”
“We did break tradition with our girl. In our family the middle name always goes to a family member.”
“We decided not to do this and give our child a completely original and unique name. She has her own name to grow into with no expectations (positive as they may be).”
“Everyone was fine with it, and if they weren’t we never heard anything other than ‘What a beautiful name for a beautiful baby’.” ~ Vulpix-Rawr
“NTA. MIL brought the embarrassment upon herself. You could have perhaps shut all this down earlier, but she was the one making the idiotic assumptions.”
“Also, using Maggie as a nickname for Carolyn is ridiculous. That’s not how nicknames work.” ~ cubemissy
“NTA. Your MIL is a pushy self-centered a**hole though. She’s delusional to think she can name your baby.”
“But your biggest problem is your husband. He needs to grow a spine and stop being an appeasing momma’s boy.”
“Tell him he should be choosing his primary family (you and child) over his bully mother. She’s now just secondary family. Tell him to learn to use the word NO with his mommy.” ~ More-Yogurtcloset531
“NTA. How the hell is Maggie a nickname for Carolyn?”
“Your MIL is too much and your husband needs to grow a set. I would have been beyond livid that he suggested that. WTF is wrong with him?” ~ No-Consequence3985
People agreed with OP that no “compromise” was necessary to appease her mother-in-law.
If grandma is allowed to call Carolyn “Maggie,” who else will she demand do it? Will everyone have to call Carolyn Maggie whenever grandma is there?
If so, OP and her husband might as well just rename their daughter. Otherwise that will be a very confused child with an embarrassing explanation for why people call her Maggie.