Anyone who has a particularly nosy family member can attest to how annoying and invasive it feels to have a loved one go through their mail or their personal possessions.
It can reach a point where, if the behavior does not stop, they’ll have no choice but to either stop inviting that family member over or to lock up the things they don’t want that family member to see.
But that can be a harder arrangement to make when it’s your mother-in-law, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Fickle-Armadillo-282 was expecting her first baby soon and, due to having a complicated pregnancy, was resting regularly in her bedroom.
When her mother-in-law repeatedly not only let herself into their house unannounced by using a spare key, but also went into the bedroom to interrupt her rest, the Original Poster (OP) added a lock to her bedroom door to keep her out, the whole family calling her “paranoid” in response.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by locking my bedroom door after my mother-in-law (MIL) kept entering without permission?”
The OP needed rest to get through a difficult pregnancy.
“I (23 Female) have been married to my husband (31 Male) for three years, and we’re currently expecting our first child.”
“We’re both excited but also stressed. I’ve had a tough pregnancy, and rest is really important to me.”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) did not respect her privacy or her need for rest.
“My mother-in-law (55 Female) lives about 20 minutes away and has a bad habit of just dropping by unannounced.”
“My husband has always brushed it off, saying, ‘That’s just how she is,’ and that she means well.”
“At first, it was annoying but manageable. But lately, she’s been crossing serious boundaries.”
“Last month, she came over while I was napping, let herself in with the spare key we gave her for emergencies, and came into our bedroom to ‘check on me.'”
“I woke up to her standing by my bed, watching me sleep.”
“I told my husband it was creepy and I wanted the spare key back.”
“He said I was overreacting and she was ‘just being motherly.'”
“Then it happened again, twice. One time, I was in just a T-shirt and underwear, and she actually sat down at the edge of the bed to talk. I told her firmly I needed privacy and rest.”
The OP made a change in her home to make herself feel more secure.
“So… I changed the doorknob on our bedroom door to one with a lock.”
“The next time she dropped by and couldn’t get into our room, she freaked out. Apparently, she tried the handle, knocked, and even called my husband at work, saying she was ‘worried something had happened.’ I didn’t hear her because I was sleeping for once.”
“Later that night, she called me controlling and rude, saying I was ‘shutting her out of her grandchild’s life already.'”
“My husband asked if I could just ‘take the lock off to keep the peace.'”
“I told him no. She doesn’t respect boundaries, and the lock stays.”
The OP felt like her whole family was standing against her.
“Now his whole family is saying I’m being dramatic and that ‘pregnancy hormones are making me paranoid.'”
“I honestly don’t think I’m wrong, but now I feel isolated and ganged up on.”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some pointed out that the OP had a MIL problem and a husband problem.
“NTA. You’ve got both a MIL and a husband problem. No, it’s not hormones; it’s a gross violation of privacy. You married him, not her.”
“I suspect if you’d known she’d be allowed to waltz into both your bedroom and bathroom unannounced, you’d not have even dated him, let alone married him. And you definitely wouldn’t have given her a key if you still somehow said yes to him.”
“Do they somehow not realize people can carry a phone in their pocket now that they can use to call anyone anywhere in the world at any time? She doesn’t have to panic if she can’t open a door that’s not in her home.”
“This all is 100% a power move on her part. I would tell your husband that either she no longer has keys to your house, or you’ll have new keys because you will have moved. Without him. This truly is a hill I would die on.”
“Maybe he thinks this is normal, but it isn’t. You’re not hormonal, you’re not being ridiculous or paranoid. This is incredibly offensive behavior. I noticed you said she said you were shutting her out of her grandchild’s life. The baby isn’t even here yet!”
“She has ZERO rights to your child. Being allowed to be in your child’s life is a joint decision by you and your husband, and it is a privilege for her to be allowed this. She gets no say whatsoever in what you do with your baby, short of you abusing the child.”
“Tell your husband this may just be how she is, but he has to stop enabling it by justifying it and allowing it to continue. If he knew she’s like this, why did he ever think it was ok for her to get a key? I’m dead serious, I would divorce over this issue.” – Spinnerofyarn
“Another Redditor wrote, and I’m going to scream: EITHER SHE NO LONGER HAS KEYS TO YOUR HOUSE OR YOU’LL HAVE NEW KEYS BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE MOVED. WITHOUT HIM. THIS IS A HILL I WOULD DIE ON.”
“Memorize this, and say this over and over and over again to some of these girls who think their husbands are going to say anything to their mothers who thought they would be taking care of their ‘little boy’ forever.”
“You either draw the boundary firmly now with both him and her, or you leave or in 10 to 15 years regretting that you didn’t leave when you first saw the red flags.” – DonkeyOk2216
“OP’s husband and family have enabled the mother to behave this way, and she is shocked at finally having someone set limits with her. It’s only going to get worse.”
“OP needs to have a long-overdue discussion about boundaries with her husband, and she should make expectations very clear.”
“I hope for OP’s sake that her husband stands by her side on this.” – Disastrous_Moonlight
“I gave my parents spare keys to my house and vehicle for emergencies. I knew they wouldn’t abuse them because they always told me to put them in a vase that was on the fireplace mantel, and they never carried them with them. They truly were for emergencies.”
“In all the years they had keys, they never used them unless I called because I was locked out of my house or vehicle. I only ever used them for the house once and a few times for the vehicle. It saved money because I didn’t have to call a locksmith and get everything rekeyed.”
“My children are all adults now, and I gave them keys, too. They keep them on their keychains and still don’t use them when they come over even though I remind them they have a key and don’t need to knock. I have a key to my children’s houses and I’ve never used them in all the years I’ve had them.”
“I always felt better when I knew someone had a spare key to my things because I knew if anything happened, I could still get in. My parents did the same thing with their parents, who lived out of state, and their parents didn’t ever use them either.”
“The amount of time and money saved by having someone who can be trusted to hold spare keys is a lot, but if they don’t have respect for your privacy, then it’s never worth the amount of money that could be saved.”
“I’m so glad I never had to deal with anyone like that in my family (I’ve dealt with associates who were, though).”
“OP, you really need to get your husband to defend you, and if he doesn’t, then you need to leave. The fact that you are so young and married to a man in his 30s who hasn’t matured enough to be off his mother’s tit says a lot about him and his desire to get someone who could be trained to deal with it.”
“Your husband isn’t respecting you by allowing his mother to have such access. Unless you put a stop to it now, you will never be able to. I truly believe he won’t change, and you will end up being a single mother, and they will turn against you and make your mothering journey miserable. I hope you are able to get him to see the light, but please leave if he doesn’t.” – Moiblah33
“It’s absolutely terrible that this wasn’t resolved prior to a baby on the way. I hope the husband chooses OP in this. I can’t see it going well if they divorce either. Major parental alienation potential by his side, and he’d be complicit by not standing his ground.”
“OP NEEDS TO DOCUMENT EVERYTHING: time, dates, what occurred, to the letter.”
“I pray her husband chooses her over his mom in this battle, but if she ends up leaving, she will need to extremely limit the baby’s exposure to them so they don’t poison the child’s mind against her.”
“This is one of the sad realities that comes with people not marrying in an ‘equal yoke’ (values and beliefs, not solely religious but mostly associated under the term due to breadth).” – AbsintheAGoGo
Others could only imagine how much worse the OP’s MIL would be when the baby arrived.
“Imagine the intruding that will happen once the baby gets here!! IT WILL BE SO MUCH WORSE!!”
“OP needs that key back and maybe even some marriage counseling to show husband that this is NOT okay!” – OddCountry5096
“I once saw a Reddit post about a MIL kidnapping their baby in the middle of the night. She had access to their home. Not saying that this would happen because that was definitely an extreme case, but even just MIL coming over and sneaking the baby out of the crib while mom (OP) is resting. That is a huge violation of privacy and all the boundaries, which is just common sense?”
“I’d be snatching that key out of her hands at this point. It will only get worse. And husband needs to get a dang grip. I have a pretty decent relationship with my in-laws, but when my husband mentioned giving them a spare key, I told him no.”
“He loves his parents, but his response to me was, ‘Okay.’ No argument, no debate, just okay. We have a plan in case of an actual emergency where they need access, and that is that. They can’t just waltz into our house without us knowing. This MIL behavior is just bonkers.” – Upset_Sandwich_4798
“If this doesn’t get addressed immediately, OP will wake to an empty crib. Then she’ll panic phone hubby and maybe even the police to report a stolen child. MIL will have taken the baby ‘to help.'”
“You can’t be angry at her for this because the MIL ‘means well.’ It’s you causing a fuss. You were paranoid enough to think something awful had happened, like your child being kidnapped.”
“The husband will defend his mother into the next millennium before he supports you. Have you got a key to her house? Start pulling this s**t. Sneak in and sit on her bed. Let her wake up and have a heart attack when she sees someone watching over her. Is he an only child? Does she do this to husband’s siblings?”
“Your husband needs to start being YOUR husband, not a mama’s boy. He needs to start listening to you, open his eyes, and support you. Also, he needs to tell his family to butt out. They have no business getting involved.” – No-BSing-Here
“You’re not reacting enough. She WILL let herself in at all hours when she decides she needs to see ‘her grand baby.'”
“You have a husband problem. The uninvited visits need to stop, you need to get the key back (or just change the locks), and explain to your husband that in YOUR home, you deserve to feel safe and peaceful. Explain to him that the ‘that’s just how she is’ line doesn’t fly.”
“The two of you are about to become parents, is he prepared to put what’s best for the baby and you above what his mother wants? Because that’s what it will come down to.” – Not_Good_HappyQuinn
“OP, you hold all the cards right now, before the baby is born. Give him a timeline and some benchmarks. The timeline/deadline should be a couple of months before your due date. The benchmarks should be something like this:”
“1. Husband will be on your side in disagreements with his mother from now on.”
“2. Husband will prove this by arranging to have the locks in your house changed and not giving his mother, or anyone else in the family, a key.”
“3. Husband will arrange for and attend at least three couples counseling sessions with you by the deadline.”
“4. Husband will arrange for and attend at least three individual therapy sessions by the deadline.”
“5. Husband will have a sit-down with you and his parents and will lay down the law, and a specific set of boundaries, which will be written down, with his mother.”
“All of this should be written down, dated, and signed, in duplicate. Not for legal purposes, but so that you can show him in future what he has agreed to.”
“If all of these things haven’t happened by the deadline, you will take your fetus and fly or drive to where your family is (or somewhere you have some support network and good job prospects) and set up your own household there. (If that’s all in the same city, then just move out temporarily, to an Airbnb or a friend’s house, while you look for an apartment.)”
“You need to be prepared to go nuclear, OP, bc if you don’t, this will be your life, and you will have a MIL that not only goes for grandparents’ rights, but will likely be enough in your business to get them.” – JadieJang
The subReddit was deeply alarmed by how the OP was being treated. Not only was this a serious breach of privacy, but it was also a safety concern. The OP deserved the rest and comfort that she needed that were necessary for her and for her baby.
Plus, if this was how the mother-in-law was treating her daughter-in-law, it only stands to reason that she would be much worse about seeing her grandchild. If this problem wasn’t corrected now, it would only get worse later.