As we all know, marriage involves the mixing of families. That means overlapping values and, of course, divergent ones.
And for some families, those fault lines become clear right at the beginning, as a post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit showed.
The Original Poster (OP), known as SugarSkull308 on the site, kept her post’s title short and simple.
“AITA for shutting down my [Future Mother-in-Law (FMIL)]”
OP began with the exciting news.
“My fiancé [30-year-old male] and I [30-year-old female] are getting married in late January.”
“We want to wait til then to get thru all 3 kids birthdays and the holidays (they all fall one after another after another…daughter is September, I’m October, thanksgiving in November, youngest in early December, Christmas, oldest in early jan…)”
And recently, they shared some details with family.
“This past weekend we were at his parents house talking about this saying how we are just going to do a court house wedding and later on, when my family can fly in from out of state, we are gonna do a party to celebrate with everyone.”
“Cue FMIL losing her sh**.”
OP documented the back and forth.
“She started yelling how we have to get married in her church that she goes to to our marriage isn’t going to be real in God’s eyes.”
“My fiancé explained to her that I am not religious. That even though I was raised Roman Catholic, I don’t believe in God and I only attend church for funerals (and even then only if I really like you).”
“She continued to push the issue saying how if we don’t get married in a church, she isn’t going to consider us married.”
OP eventually had to put her foot down.
“I told her that at the end of the day, what she thinks is irrelevant. In the eyes of the law, we will be married. The only people who I care if the support the marriage is our kids and my fiancé.”
“And obviously he does cause the court house plan was his idea.”
“She ran upstairs crying how I’m ruining her sons life. Fiancé and I promptly left with the kids and we haven’t heard from her since.”
“AITA for not giving in to a traditional church wedding?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most Redditors assured OP she wasn’t being an a**hole. They agreed with her decision to remain autonomous.
“NTA. Your future MIL is trying to control you. Give her an inch and she will think she is a ruler.” — FussyBritchesMama
“NTA. Nope. It’s YOUR marriage. Only you and your fiancé’s view matters. And even if you got married in the church if would the church one of you go to, not hers.”
“Since she says your marriage wouldn’t be legit she can just not be invited to the courthouse or the party.”
“And her son is a grown man, it’s his choice if he wants to ‘ruin’ his life” — Techsupportvictim
“So you already have kids together and presumably live together and she’s worried about being married in the church? Strong NTA. Tell her you don’t care or need her approval.” — Papfan1
“NTA. It’s your wedding, the only thing that matters is that you and your fiancé agree.”
“FWIW, I’m a Christian (pretty serious about it too) and have absolutely never understood this attitude. If your marriage is legal, then you’re legally married. I don’t know why getting married in a church would matter.”
“You can spend a million dollars on a wedding or get married at the courthouse with no one present, both those couples are the same amount of married at the end of the day. *shrug*” — mermaidlibrarian
“NTA. This is your wedding, you and your fiance’s, not hers, and it is for you two to decide how to celebrate that moment. If the two of you want to just have a few people go down to the courthouse, and then later do a big celebration, that’s great!”
“It’s your wedding. It’s your celebration of the life you two will have together, and that should be on your terms. I doubt your future mother-in-law would have loved her own mother-in-law dictating everything in her wedding.” — esme454
Others pointed out some key details OP’s FMIL overlooked.
“NTA – She is delusional as well. A lot of churches would require you to jump thru a lot of hoops to get married there, so if you are not believers, you wouldn’t qualify for a ‘working’ church anyway.”
“She needs to get over herself, she obviously had delusions you were going to convert, do premarital counseling and settle down in to a ‘good’ household. The over the top reaction was her dreams being shattered….” — Mysterious-Wish8398
“No Catholic Church would marry you. She should know that if she’s as religious as she claims. You would have to provide an annulment from your first marriage, if there was one.”
“You currently live together (in sin) and I’m assuming the third child is shared? Even if you jumped those hurdles, you would need to promise that you will raise the children of your union as Catholics. You would likely have to convert. You would definitely have to have premarital classes.”
“It’s 99% sure you couldn’t be married in her church even if you wanted to be. NTA. She is though” — LivSaJo
“Does she realize with your beliefs you wouldn’t be able to get married in the church anyway? It’s a mute point. I don’t know a respectable priest who would marry someone under coercion. Stick to your guns your better for it. GOOD LUCK!” — monkerry
One person even suggested a snarky plan.
“Tell her that you’ve changed your mind and you definitely want to get married in a church. Let her know that the local branch of the Church of Satan has lovely ceremonies and you can’t wait for yours. NTA” — SourNotesRockHardAbs
If the Reddit comments are any indication, we can expect OP to stick with the courthouse plan.
The only question then is whether OP’s FMIL holds firm and discounts the marriage when that happens.