For many finding the perfect wedding dress or ensemble is an important part of the whole wedding experience.
Does a person design their own?
Do they spend time shopping with loved ones?
Or is the perfect outfit already part of their family history?
Wedding dresses being passed down has been a tradition for generations.
However, some guardians of the dress may not be as willing to share as others.
Case in point…
Redditor Comfortable_Love8350 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not allowing my daughter to significantly alter my wedding dress?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (44 F[emale]) daughter (25 F) is getting married later this year to her girlfriend (27 F).”
“I have always dreamed of walking her down the aisle (my husband passed when she was a child) and she enjoyed talking about a future wedding and playing bride when she was a child, picking flowers and colors and venues.”
“She loved watching the videos of my wedding and seeing me and her father get married and it was important in our bonding.”
“When she was thirteen I promised her my wedding dress.”
“However her clothing style is more manly.”
“She began refusing to wear dresses or skirts when she was in her late teens, even trying to demand her school allow her to wear trousers.”
“And it was difficult convincing her to wear dresses to formal events.”
“She has gone through phases of wanting short hair, wanting to be a boy, and getting tattoos.”
“I have always been very supportive of all of this, even when she met her girlfriend and proposed to her.”
“I have encouraged her as much as I can.”
“I am contributing significantly to the wedding.”
“I recently called and asked her when she wanted me to bring over the dress as it would likely need slight alterations.”
“That is when she dropped the bombshell on me that she wanted to wear a SUIT and have my wedding dress altered to remove the skirt portion so that the bodice could be worn with trousers.”
“At first I agreed but dragged my feet bringing the dress over.”
“After a few weeks, I changed my mind and told her that the dress was important to me and I didn’t want her to ruin it.”
“When I promised her the dress it was because I thought she would wear it as a dress, and she will only get to wear it if it is a dress.”
“I offered that her girlfriend could wear it as a dress instead but my daughter said that would still be ruining it (her girlfriend is a much larger woman than me so it would need more altering).”
“Now she has not been answering my messages except by saying that the dress would be a connection to her dad so she is disappointed not to have it.”
“I offered to go dress shopping with her for a replacement but apparently some of our family think I am stopping her from having the dress because I disagree with her being masculine.”
“I may be the a**hole because I promised it to her, but that was when she was very young, and before I knew she wanted to change it.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling her she can have it as a dress or not have it at all?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. You offered to ‘lend’ or let her ‘use’ your dress – not tear it apart in a way that destroys it forever.”
“This dress is yours, with living, breathing memories attached to it.”
“If it cannot be returned to you in its original state, then NO, you are not the AH for changing your mind about this.”
“You might need to ask a professional seamstress about what is possible.”
“I’m sure you have other possessions that actually belonged to her dad, and she may be able to incorporate one of them or re-create your bouquet; cake, or something similar – if that connection is what she’s seeking.” ~ TrainingDearest
“Since the daughter likes to dress more masculine, why not wear something of her dad’s?”
“That would be an even more direct connection than the dress.” ~ AhabMustDie
“Good idea. Especially because it confused me to read that Daughter thinks using the dress gives her a connection to her dad. What?”
“Dad didn’t wear the dress, he stood next to it for a couple of hours – so what does that even mean?”
“The bottom line, though, is that temporarily borrowing a wedding dress that carries a lot of sentimental value is not the same thing as butchering it to meet someone else’s vision.”
“OP has every right not to want to let go of her property and her memories.”
“Yikes to the daughter for the disrespect for people and property, and marshaling the troops for a propaganda campaign instead of just getting on with plan B.” ~ Organized_Khaos
“Agreed – NTA. She lost her father, but you also lost your husband, and it makes complete sense that you are sentimental about this dress and don’t want it seen altered beyond recognition.”
“Parents don’t need to give every part of themselves to their children – you are allowed your own feelings and needs – and wanting to preserve the dress you married your late husband in is totally valid.”
“You made that promise in good faith, and I’m sure would honor it if it didn’t mean completely changing this memento.” ~ psherman82954
“I don’t disagree, but at the same time, there are compromises OP doesn’t seem to have considered, like giving her daughter her veil to incorporate into her suit.”
“And it very much does seem like a large part of OP’s objection is due to her daughter’s masculine style since she doesn’t have the same objection to sizing it up for the daughter’s fiancé, which would require equally drastic alterations.” ~ L1ttleFr0g
“You could in no way separate my dress into a ‘bodice’ and ‘skirt.'”
“It’s not a matter of how fantastic a seamstress is.”
“Totally depends on the dress.”
“And it’s irrelevant:”
O”P doesn’t want her dress altered to that extent. Period.”
“It doesn’t matter how easy of a process that is.”
“It is HER dress, and she can say no.”
“Also, the whole, ‘connection to her dad’ thing makes no sense.”
“Wearing her mother’s wedding dress or PART of her mother’s wedding dress would be a connection to her MOTHER.”
“Unless her father is a rare guy that actually picked out or created OP’s wedding dress, he doesn’t have much connection to the dress other than seeing OP in it.” ~ SolarPerfume
“While I am not a ‘professional’ seamstress, I do a lot of sewing projects.”
“Many dresses are not pieced in a way that the top and bottom can be separated and then reattached.”
“In order to have a decent-looking ‘separate’ bodice, there would be a loss of fabric to the skirt.”
“And then not enough surviving fabric to bring them back together properly.”
“You cannot simply ‘add’ more fabric to an older wedding dress – trying to color match old to new would be unlikely, not to mention that any embroidery would be unable to be matched.”
“For most ornate wedding dresses – you cannot enlarge them, only shrink them which is permanent.”
“My mother was a talented seamstress, and the one ‘enlargement’ she did on a wedding dress required TWO dresses for there to be enough of the right fabric and embellishments to make it properly.”
“For many people, their wedding dress is very special.”
“A lot of heart and soul went into that ‘perfect dress’ for that ‘perfect day.'”
“Despite all the suspicion about ulterior motives on OP’s part – I believe she genuinely does not want her dress destroyed, and only ‘promised’ it because she thought it would be used as a wedding dress.”
“Not dismantled and turned into something else.”
“People who hold onto their dresses for decades, do not do so because they want to make vests, scarves or doilies out of them someday.” ~ TrainingDearest
“Basically, you want your wedding dress to remain a dress.”
“And your daughter would like to incorporate it into her wedding outfit, but she doesn’t want it to be a dress anymore.”
“If you allow her to alter it, it will still be a family heirloom — but it won’t be a vintage dress.”
“I think you’re within your rights to simply tell her that the dress has terrific sentimental value to you and you’d like it to remain intact.”
“Make sure her suit looks awesome though. NTA.” ~ wonderfulkneecap
“I’m really torn on stuff like this, because a dress sitting in a closet for years, although a lovely memory, is just a waste (and I currently have mine hanging in my closet because I can’t bring myself to get rid of it either).”
“If OP’s daughter doesn’t use the dress, it’s not likely that any grandchildren will use the dress either, it isn’t an heirloom.”
“I fully get OP and I think it’s their dress and their right to keep it intact, especially since they lost their husband and it’s a memory to a happy day.”
“But she needs to explain that to the daughter.”
“Personally, my dress had a belt and I wore a headband and I keep them separate so if my daughter or son want to use either in their weddings down the road they have some options for their something old/borrowed.”
“Maybe OP has an element from the dress that can be utilized without hurting the integrity of the dress.”
“She was married in the late 90s so dresses were still pretty fabric-heavy back then.” ~ accioqueso
“NAH, but what are you saving it for?”
“To be donated after you are gone for a stranger to alter into something else?”
“Your daughter wants to honor you by making your wedding gown into her own.” ~ dncrmom
Well, OP, Reddit understands your concerns.
It’s your dress, you can do what you want with it.
You’re allowed to have certain feelings about such an important piece of your history.
Hopefully, you and your daughter can have a serious and intimate talk.
Maybe find some other way to honor her father’s memory.
Good luck.