The holiday season is in full swing.
Everyone is preparing for big gatherings.
But not every person can make it to those gatherings.
And neglecting to ask someone to join the festivities (no matter the reason) can cause a lot of family drama.
Case in point...
Redditor Prize-Ad3917 to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my fiance to skip this year's Christmas family vacation because our baby is due?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Context: I have gone to Florida with his family (my fiancé) for the past five years for at least part of Christmas."
"Every other year, I returned before him to spend Christmas day with my family."
"This year is the first time in a long time that all the other siblings are able to overlap dates."
"My fiancé has major F[ear] O[f] M[issing] O[ut] which is why this is a sensitive subject."
"His parents have always been weird about keeping their family close."
"They've never said it outright but little things suggest they don't consider me completely part of their family yet since we aren't married."
"Also, my parents are away overseas dealing with a grandparent emergency."
"My mom has been kept in the loop, though, and is trying to come back as soon as she can."
"My fiancé and I (31 M[ale] and 31 F[emale]) are expecting our first baby due December 30th."
"His family has a vacation home in Florida, and they have gone every year during the holidays for about a month until after New Year's."
"He agreed not to go this year because of the baby, but his family is insisting that he go and come back on the 28th, which is 'ample time before the baby is due.'"
"So he bought a ticket for December 15th-28th."
"His reasoning is that his parents really want him there, and his siblings will also be going."
"This is bothering me a lot more than I thought because I know pregnancies are unpredictable, especially in the last trimester, and if anything happens leading up to the due date, I need him there."
"My parents are away until December 26th, and my friends have their families, so I will be completely alone."
"The other reason... and I guess it's more selfish is that I will be spending Christmas by myself."
"It's not the main reason why I'm bothered but it's a small part of it."
"He's been spending Christmas every year in Florida since he was 15, and there will be many more trips after the baby is born."
"I don't know why he has to go THIS YEAR."
"Any time I bring it up, it results in a very uncomfortable fight about my expectations to put me first rather than his parents."
"I don't even bring it up anymore."
"His parents have always been kind to me, but they also don't see any problem, so I think I'm going crazy?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA- Your husband is a fool if he goes."
"This is your first baby, you do not know if the baby will be here early, on time, or late."
"His family is you and the baby."
"If his family can't see that, that's another issue."
"None of them have a crystal ball and know when that baby is coming."
"Personally, I would also be pointing out how quickly things can go wrong for Mum or Bubs during labor."
"I am actually disgusted with him for thinking it is okay to leave his vulnerable wife during that time."
"You just don't know what's going to happen."
"And what's with not wanting to spend Christmas with you?"
"Leaving you completely alone. Not cool."
"I am furious for you."
"Where are you?"
"I will come and take care of you." ~ GoodRepresentative33
"If that baby shows up on the 25th like a Christmas miracle, and she has to go it alone, that resentment will weigh heavily for a long time."
"I know the Reddit experience isn't necessarily universal, but I've seen a number of stories where the husband failed to support or protect his partner while giving birth or directly afterward, allowing random visitors or boundary-crossing relatives, not being home in time for a birth."
"It's a crisis couples' counseling level of betrayal."
"It casts a huge shadow over what should be a really blissful and meaningful experience (despite the pain & mess) because giving birth is a vulnerable position to be in."
"Not having your partner there in the time you need them most makes you see them and the relationship differently." ~ gettinridofbritta
"Exactly this. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to change his mind."
"He has made his priorities VERY clear, and it is not his pregnant fiancé."
"If OP gave him an ultimatum and he did end up staying with her, he would *itch and complain the whole time, be pouty and whingy, and, if the baby was born on or after its due date of 30 December, he would get all uppity and say 'See, I could have gone as planned!' not just once or twice, but for the rest of his life."
"Also, OP, is there an expectation that your little family will spend a month every year, including every single Christmas, in Florida with your I[n] L[aw]s?"
"Does your family ever get to share Christmas with you? "
"This will also mean that your ILs also get every birthday with your child, while your family gets none."
"Nope. They are awful, and your child's father is a terrible partner."
"Let him go, change the locks, and have custody papers drawn up while he's away."
"Good luck with your birth." ~ BuzzyLightyear100
"Yep yep yep! Maybe, if he asked her about this ridiculous idea and immediately dropped it when she questioned it, I'd think he was just an idiot, but if he banks down, he's going to be big about it."
"I also had the question about every Christmas moving forward."
"Like, when you have a partner, but especially when you have kids, your original family traditions aren't always going to work, at least not every time."
"If he can't even miss this time, he's not going to be taking Christmases, I turn, so OP is stuck with this horrible family who don't care that she's going to be 39 weeks pregnant, alone at Christmas." ~ haleorshine
"This is absolutely a dealbreaker for me, and the relationship would not recover."
"That baby can come anytime, and his family knows that even better than B[oy]F[riend] if it's his first child."
"So on top of BF being a selfish idiot, you have family who will gaslight and subvert the relationship at any opportunity. No thank you."
"Take your baby and run." ~ jane-erstwhile
"OP mentions that her partner's parents don't consider her to even be part of the family."
"I suspect that they consider her an annoying little problem that they would rather have quietly go away, so they can properly enjoy their time together with their son."
"OP really should reconsider things."
"This is a symptom of a greater issue, and unfortunately, she's going to be stuck with a child from this guy." ~ Crafty_Original_7349
"Are you kidding me?"
"They are all leaving a pregnant woman alone… on the holidays… at the absolute end of her pregnancy???"
"This is not appropriate behavior for your FIANCÉ. Your PARTNER."
"The father of this child. NTA." ~ loverlyone
"It's not appropriate behavior from his family, either."
"They are purposely excluding their son's partner."
"She happens to be pregnant, but even if she weren't, they are all okay with leaving her alone for Christmas with no family."
"The fact that OP's fiancé is going along with it is a huge issue."
"The fact that he's arguing about it when he has to know on some level it's totally wrong says everything we need to know about this guy."
"The minute OP said she wanted his support, that conversation should have been over."
"STRIKE ONE, TWO, & THREE. You're out!"
"OP shouldn't marry into this family."
"They're all horrible. NTA."
"If it were me, I'd gather my things and leave while he's gone." ~ CPSue
"Your fiancé is putting his personal happiness as a priority over you and your baby."
"This is what he's going to continue to do for years to come, despite you and your baby becoming his primary family because he will always put his parents first."
"This man is not ready to raise a child because he's still acting like a one with how dependent he is on mommy and daddy."
"He's not husband material either. NTA." ~ jasperjamboree
"Only a complete a**hole would do this."
"He is not ready to be either a father or a husband."
"You not bringing it up anymore means he has won in wearing you down."
"I would be extremely clear that you do not appreciate being abandoned for Christmas and for your final days before birth, a time when he should be catering to you, not his family."
"I would also be clear that you will not be answering any texts or calls while he's gone because he doesn't deserve any information."
"Then make a plan in case you go into labor and a long-term plan for the rest of your life."
"For me, there would be no recovery from this."
"I'm sure your friends will be there for you if you let them know what is happening. Good luck." ~ Spiritual_Basil7665
OP came back with a response...
"Wow, I wasn't expecting this many responses, and I can't personally thank all of you, but THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH."
"All your support and responses mean a lot, and I definitely plan on showing this thread to him."
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You don't deserve to be alone on Christmas and so close to your due date.
It sounds like some couple's therapy or a mediator may be in order.
You do what's best for you and your baby's health.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp