Children are arguably – depending on who you ask – one of the great joys in life.
But with great joy comes great responsibility (or something like that).
While it’s typically a given that parents love their kids and want to spend their time with said offspring, sometimes it’s necessary that children stay behind, especially when the destination is for adults only.
A Redditor getting ready to celebrate their birthday sought feedback from “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit after a friend became upset when she was told she couldn’t bring her five-year-old daughter to their adult-only party.
Redditor This_Value_4194 asked:
“AITA for telling my friend not to come if she’s bringing her kid?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“One of my (nearly 30) friends put together a get together at a restaurant for my birthday.”
“The place has a bar where we’re going to be hanging out. The plan was to get a bit tipsy and order appetizers.”
“My husband and I have a 3 year old, but we’re hiring a babysitter for the night.”
“We rented out a private room with a bar.”
“My other friend, Missy, has a 5 year old daughter. She mentioned she was going to bring her.”
“I offered to pay my babysitter extra to watch her daughter. Missy said no because her daughter is in daycare all day and she doesn’t want her to have to then be with a sitter.”
“I said I understand but I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to come.”
“One, I know our group.”
“We’re going to get rowdy and I don’t want to censor myself.”
“Two, Missy’s daughter is like a lot of 5 year olds: she doesn’t sit still, wants to run over the place.”
“Missy admits she doesn’t bring her out to restaurants much because she doesn’t know how to act. But I also know Missy will just sort of let her as she’s very permissive.”
“I spoke to my friend who put it together and said I don’t want any kids there. There’s a reason I got a sitter for my own kid.”
“That friend agreed and told Missy not to bring her daughter.”
But that did not sit well with Missy.
“Missy has now thrown a fit and said she’s not coming.”
“I said I completely understand. There are events I have missed because I don’t want to leave my daughter and the group understands as we all have kids.”
“I told Missy I’d be glad to have a play date/lunch another time with our kids so we can still hang out.”
“I told Missy I can’t stop her from coming to the restaurant but we absolutely will not allow her to come into the private room.”
“She’s very hurt that we’re excluding her.”
“AITA for not wanting a kid at my party and telling my friend she can’t come if she brings her?”
“Also, if it’s relevant, Missy didn’t pay for the rented room.”
“Two of my other friends did as a gift to me. So, it’s not as if I’m telling her she can’t come to something she paid for.”
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA.”
“You offered reasonable solutions, and she refused.”
“When a person chooses a lifestyle, they have to deal with whatever comes with it. But they aren’t entitled to special treatment, especially when people of a similar lifestyle have adapted.”
“We’ve all had to miss out on something for one reason or another.”
“Plenty of parents have had to make this choice before.”
“She’s not letting herself be an independent adult outside of parenthood, this could have been a great evening for her to blow off steam and come back more “parent-y” than ever.”
“I have a couple of friends who regret not taking up babysitting offers earlier in their parenting journeys to allow themselves to be grounded.”
“It’s a shame, really.” – consolelog_a11y
“NTA this is an adult gathering and you offered a generous solution in paying your baby sitter extra to watch both kids.”
“You are not excluding Missy, Missy is excluding herself” – TheTurtleShepard
“NTA.”
“It’s your birthday you can cry if you want too girl.”
“Basically what you want at your party goes especially as this friend was not involved in the rental or planning process.”
“If she allows this to stem off into a larger discourse between you two I say good riddance.”
“A friend would respect your wishes and if she can’t Even try to understand then it comes of as slightly manipulative and even a Lil like she’s taking advantage of your fun night out.”
“Not that it is that way but it says a lot about a friend who is more concerned with their own wishes and wants during your birthday.” – AshesAndRoses97
“NTA”
“I know it’s hard for some parents to understand, but I don’t give a sh*t about your kid.”
“This event is for adults, and it’s not kid-friendly, so Missy gets to make a choice: Stay home with the kid OR come to the party without the kid.” – KronkLaSworda
“NTA.”
“Childfree events are and should be a thing.”
“Missy is excluding herself from a childfree event because she doesn’t want to get a sitter for a kid who won’t remember she was in childcare all day.” – C_Majuscula
“NTA – honest question: is it not prohibiting a 5-year-old minor from hanging in a bar, something every adult should try to enforce?” – yago1980
“NTA”
“As you said, there are events you miss out on when you have kids.”
“You can give them to a babysitter or relatives if you want to attend. Or you just don’t attend.”
“But you can’t force (allways) your child onto others and non-child-appropiate places.This is not fair to your friends nor is it good for the child.”
“And in the end you also won’t have as much fun, because you have to divide your attention between the event and your child.”
“Migth have to go home early, because the child has to sleep at 7 o’clock.” – Trevena_Ice
“NTA, since I think Missy is being unreasonable and it’s quite obvious why this isn’t a good choice for her to be making.”
“Unfortunately as the birthday girl, you, along with the friend who is planning it, do kind of have an obligation to all your guests for it to be a reasonably fun event, meaning it would probably be doing your other guests a disservice if you let Missy bring her rambunctious kiddo, because everyone else is likely to feel a bit uncomfortable or stifled.”
“Having a ‘no kids’ event is very reasonable.”
“It also sounds like you took multiple steps before ultimately having to tell her a firm no – first you offered your sitter, second you told her you didn’t feel it would be appropriate.”
“You then offered to arrange another get-together that is kid-friendly for the two of you.”
“At this point Missy has had ample time to make the right choice, to take the hint, and to handle the request gracefully.”
“It’s not your fault she isn’t doing so.” – owls_and_cardinals
“NTA. You’re being a responsible person and a good friend… there’s really nothing more anyone could do in this situation.”
“If your friend doesn’t realize this, it’s on her.” – cinekat
“NTA – you made accommodations and offered to pay for them.”
“She threw a fit.” – Wrong_Supermarket007
“NTA.”
“You tried to accommodate her and it didn’t work for her.”
“Not all events are appropriate for children. That is the case here, this isn’t a case of excluding her.” – Ariesinnc3017
“NTA – Absolutely doesn’t sound like an appropriate environment for a 5 y/o to be in and hugely surprised your friend didn’t take the babysitter up as it’s a much more appropriate venue for the kid.”
“Your friend is being unreasonable for no really good reason….” – ReviewOk929
“NTA.”
“This is not kid-appropriate.”
“Stick to your guns.”
“If she doesn’t come- fine. If she does come with the kid- she is walked out.” – CandleSea4961
“NTA”
“Who tries to bring a kid to an adult’s bar event?”
“Missy had her reasons to decline a babysitter. But that also means she declines the invitation.”
“If she’s upset about it, remember that she chose to make this an issue.”
“She owns this, not you.” – The_Bad_Agent
“NTA, she’s excluding herself.”
“You’ve made more than clear that you don’t want kids around (the ONLY option btw, considering the bday is in a bar), and if she wants to insist, it’s on her the consequences (c’mon, you even offered to pay for the babysitter, she’s 100% TA for still pushing this issue).” – New-Jellyfish6737
“NTA”
“Your friend is very entitled.”
“As you said most in the group have kids and those kids are not coming, you even offered for her to also use your sitter.”
“She chose to not leave her child, which is fine, but this is not a child’s party, so her choosing to not leave her child excludes her.”
“You didn’t do that. She did that.” – No_Mathematician2482
Missy has two choices in the situation: she can be with her daughter and not at the party, or she can take the OP up on their offer to share the sitter.
Based on feedback from other Redditors, though, Missy’s choices should not include shaming the OP.
Hopefully, Missy realizes the ask is neither personal nor unmanageable, and the OP enjoys their party, whether or not Missy is present.