Redditor Important-Bad-3305 is a 16-year-old who used to be close with her 17-year-old brother.
But when she realized something about herself and opened up to him about it, the response she got was not what she expected of a family member.
When their mother got involved in an effort to restore peace in the household, the Redditor refused to oblige because of the emotional distress.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for refusing to make peace with my homophobic brother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained why was being stubborn.
“I (16f) live with my brother (17 male) and parents. My brother and I used to get along really well. We had a good relationship excluding the occasional sibling squabble.”
“It was last year that things took a turn. I started figuring out my sexuality and realized that I was queer, my brother didn’t accept me.”
“After I came out brother decided to sacrifice our relationship in order to make fun of me constantly. He would make fun of anything rainbow, refuse to enter my room in case he caught the ‘gay disease,’ my sexuality was the first thing he pointed out during arguments of any kind, and much much more that I won’t get into.”
“This really ruined my mental health. Prior to this, I was a pretty outgoing person and confident in my sexuality, I now only have 1 IRL friend, never go out, and still doubt myself and the validity of my identity. I truly hate him.”
“Overall the comments from my brother have mostly stopped except for when he’s angry at me. Earlier today my mum came into my room and asked if it would be possible for me and my brother to get along.”
“She asked if I ‘missed the days when we had a good relationship.’ I questioned her on where all of this was coming from and she told me that my brother had asked her to speak to me because he wanted us to have a good relationship again.”
“I won’t lie, I broke down crying. Not because I was happy, but because I was angry. I have no idea what either of them expected but I didn’t react well.”
“I didn’t yell at my mum but I spoke to her sternly saying that he had ruined our relationship when he chose to make my life a living hell.”
“My mum then left my room and returned a few minutes later after speaking to my brother. She said that he told her he only says homophobic things to me out of spite, that he doesn’t actually believe it and he’s just trying to get under my skin.”
“I hardly think that’s true since I had many conversations with him over text where he told me he 100% believes everything he says. I told my mum that I don’t care at all why he says homophobic things to me, I only care that he actually says them.”
“She said that she understands and she began saying ‘You know, he’s a boy and sometimes-‘ but I immediately cut her off and told her not to even start or I’d be mad at her too.”
“Then she brought up the fact that I often do little things to annoy my brother which in turn makes him really angry and that’s when he starts being homophobic but I asked her how those two things are at all comparable and she didn’t have an answer.”
“Long story short, by the time my mum was leaving I could tell she was nearly in tears. She just wants us to get along and I understand that, but I can’t see myself forgiving him when he ruined my self-esteem and made me miserable.”
“I also can’t help but feel a bit guilty though, at the end of the day he wants to make up and I’m the one not wanting to so I could see how I would be an a**hole in this.”
“So AITA?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole, here.
“Well first off he can stop sending mummy in to make amends.”
“Then he can bloody apologise.”
“Then he can work on forgiveness. It’s one thing to say your A.H or basic sibling stuff. It’s another to gun on a person’s sexuality, mental health, ethnicity or gender and be like it’s because we’re siblings.”
“I’m guessing this has gone on for a good amount of time (6m+ I’m guessing) if mum was so conserned then she should have stopped that crap before it started.”
“Before I forget NTA” – Classic_Phrase4345
“NTA your brother burned his bridges. If he wants to repair his relationship with you it’s going to be a long and slow process and you are not required to take anything on trust or good faith in the meantime. If he’s serious, he’ll try. It’s on him. Not on you.”
“And he’ not actually homophobic, he just says things he doesn’t believe to be true simply because he wants to hurt you the worst way he can? … That’s not better!” – Irishwol
“NTA, not in any way shape or form. Your brother is the a**hole here and your parents are as well for allowing him to speak to and about you like that.”
“If your brother wants to ‘fix’ the relationship he has with you he will have to do some major growing and changing and needs to come to you himself rather than through your mom. And them not trying to put a stop to his behavior is a respect issue on their part.”
“You’re a human being and don’t deserve to put up with any of that.” – 206Titan
“NTA. Using the excuse that ‘he’s a boy’ is misogyny. Blaming you for his hate speech is victim blaming. You do not have to stand for prejudice coming from your own family member in your own home for any reason.”
“You do not need to maintain a relationship with anybody who has negatively impacted your life like this. If he can’t even come to speak to you directly, let alone apologise, he is too cowardly to attempt reconciliation.”
“Prioritise yourself, prioritise your health and forget anybody else.” – SagaciousSagi
“NTA. So, your placater mom wants you to make nice with the homophobic vicious bully she allows to torture you in your own home? ‘She said that he told her he only says homophobic things to me out of spite, that he doesn’t actually believe it and he’s just trying to get under my skin.'”
“Who cares? She and your father should have broken him of this, but instead allow it to continue because it is just easier to pressure you to be the passive victim than to do their job as parents..”
“Tell teachers, counselors, sympathetic family members and get out of there before brother decides to escalate even more than the abuse he’s already made normal in the house.” – Sea-Mud5386
“NTA. His comments are genuinely hurtful, and if he wants to tease you, this is not a subject he can touch. That’s the boundary. Protect the boundary. Enforce the boundary.”
“If this is something he won’t negotiate on, that should tell you (and your mom) that he does not respect you, and you need to limit your contact with him for your own well-being.”
“You have your own issues you need to work on, he is compromising that work, and you being asked to care more for his wants than your needs is not something you should have to deal with right now.” – raisindude
“NTA He doesn’t want to ‘make up.’ He wants to forget all he did and resume relationship from before he emotionally abused you.”
“If he truly wants forgiveness, and to have a relationship, then he would need to work 10x as hard in apologizing and being nice to you so that maybe hopefully one day you can resume the bond you had before.”
“He would need to be truly supportive of who you are. Get educated in the damage comments like his have in people of the community. Overall, TRULY make amends.”
“IF he is willing to do that, and works on it, perhaps is worth giving him a chance.” – TwoCentsPsychologist
“NTA. You cannot make peace with someone who is not acting in a peaceful manner.”
“And saying cruel things to you out of spite, with the deliberate intent of making you unhappy, is not acting in a peaceful or kind manner. Why should you put up with behavior he admits is done out of spite to be cruel to you?”
“If your mother wants the two of you to reconcile, she needs to address his bad behavior, not pressure you to put up with it.”
“Seriously, what is your mother thinking? ‘He says cruel things, but that’s okay, because he’s doing it out of spite, to get under your skin and make you unhappy’? Does she even realize how ridiculous that concept is?” – Jazzlike_Humor3340
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s pain and frustration in the situation was understandable, and they also thought that she shouldn’t have to suffer further anxiety from her family. The OP should have been embraced for who she is right from the start.