The grieving process is wildly different for everyone, no matter what the circumstances.
How a future parent reacts to a miscarriage is going to vary, as well.
One new mom found herself uncertain around the subject, according to the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Book-worm1991 was unsure how to navigate her sister’s grief once she had a child.
But after she did something that left her sister in tears, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t help but wonder if she had misstepped.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for sending a picture of my daughter to my sister?”
The OP spent the last 4 years carefully navigating her sister’s grief.
“4 years ago my sister had a miscarriage without realizing that she was even pregnant. Of course, it was a big shock for her.”
“During the time I did my best to be there for her, even though I live 300 miles away. I gave her space when she needed it, when we talked it would be about something about her to make her happy, etc.”
“It has been really tough for her, she has been in and out of therapy over the years and she will still have her good days and bad days.”
“She has made it clear that she does not want to have children which I respect her choice but my mother disapproves (that’s a whole other story).”
But when she had a pregnancy of her own, the OP struggled to find a balance.
“Early 2020, I found out I was pregnant (after 7 years of trying) and of course my fiance and I were overjoyed and didn’t hesitate to call family (my sister included).”
“They were all very happy for me since they know that I wanted a baby for so long and my sister was repeatedly saying that she was going to be the best auntie ever.”
“A week later I started bleeding and got told my body was threatening to miscarriage. After a week of waiting, I got told that baby was ok and was strong and healthy.”
“I was able to take a picture and send it to the family to show them. My sister freaked out and got my mam to tell me to not send pictures to my sister anymore.”
“The rest of the pregnancy I spent walking on eggshells trying to not upset my sister.”
The OP’s sister seemed to want to be more involved than the OP expected.
“2 days ago: My daughter is 9 months now and my fiance and I chose to travel to see my family so they could meet her for the very first time.”
“The plan was to meet my mam and nana (I figured my sister was at work since it was a weekday). However, when I got to my nanas house, she said that my sister just called and chose to pop in to see everyone.”
“When my sister got there, she was smiling and waved at my daughter.”
“While everyone was talking, I asked everyone if I could take a picture for my daughter’s nursery since they need photos for family members for an album. Everyone said it was fine (including my sister) so I managed to take some lovely photos of my family members holding my daughter.”
“This morning I got a message from my sister asking if I could send her the picture of her holding my daughter and I did.”
But then something happened that made no sense to the OP.
“About an hour later, I get a phone call from my mam saying that sister has been crying since I sent her the photo and how could I be so heartless since my sister is still grieving from her miscarriage 4 years ago and that I shouldn’t have put my sister in that situation in the first place.”
“I was genuinely confused, my sister asked for the photo and tbh (to be honest) everyone was taking photos at the time I asked for photos for the nursery.”
“[To clarify,] I did talk to my sister and she confirmed that she did ask my mam to tell me about her being upset about the photo because now she feels like I’m rubbing my happiness in her face.”
“I’ve done my best to be sensitive around my sister and tried to not force my daughter on her.”
“My mam thinks I’m being insensitive and my nana believes that my sister needs to not be so sensitive and to not take it out on me and my daughter since it’s been 4 years.”
“AITA for taking the picture and sending it to my sister even though she asked for it?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the sister’s grief may have surprised her when she saw the picture.
“Maybe she didn’t realize how it would affect her?? Seems like she wants to be there but might not be as capable/ okay as she thought. Possibly this is bringing up old emotions she thought she had handled?”
“NAH get your sister some help and see if she improves” – caitiejbb
“Exactly, if the picture of her niece makes her cry she needs help moving past it. Therapy definitely. If she legitimately just wanted a picture and had some spicey dejavu then she needs therapy. If she asked for the picture just to fake sob over it to be the center of attention, she also needs therapy.” – Ellendyra
“Maybe just MAYBE she didn’t ask for the photo because she wanted attention???? Maybe she’s grieving the loss of her potential child and she asked for the photo so she could see what it would’ve looked like holding her own child in her arms that she lost? Maybe she’s upset because she doesn’t get to do that?” – wannabebigsmartboi
Others thought the mother was meddling and was the real AH.
“NAH, the mother is TA here. Just look at the very first paragraph where OP tells us her mother doesn’t support her sister’s decision not to have children. That’s horrible in all scenarios, but even more so considering the trauma she’s been through.”
“Sure, it’s certainly possible that behind the scenes the sister is also being the a**hole, but OP gives us no reason to think that so we shouldn’t assume that is the case.” – Askesis1017
“The sister didn’t say anything to OP, Mam did. It sounds like Mam is the one trying to stir up some trouble between the sisters for some reason.” – mmksuxs
“I don’t understand why people are making such drastic assumptions and demonizing the sister when it’s the mam that brought up this stuff” – Flaming-Charisma
A few still pointed fingers at the sister and said she asked for the photo.
“NTA. She asked, she received.” – Kare6Bear6
“NTA. She asked for the photo.”
“Also don’t know why your mom is freaking out. Crying is perfectly normal. Being sad about stuff from 4 years ago is perfectly normal. It’s not on you” – brownistani
It’s hard when not everyone can be happy during a special time in your life. But no matter who the AH is, grief is an incredibly messy phenomenon, and it’s clearly playing its hand during this moment.
The subReddit was able to agree the OP was not wrong for sharing her happiness with her family, especially when it was asked for. But where the blame lies beyond that, the conversation may be neverending.