There are several misconceptions and falsehoods surrounding being a stay-at-home mother (SAHM).
Many look at SAHMs with envy, not needing to commute to work every day, and supposedly having free time to do whatever they want while their children are in school.
However, being a SAHM is in no way a vacation, as, generally speaking, they are in charge of their household, where the work never ends.
Apprehensive-Fox2655 was a SAHM mother whose children had all finally flown the coop.
This being the case, the original poster (OP)’s sibling assumed that she would be free to provide help whenever they needed it.
So confident was the OP’s sibling that they planned their schedule without checking first with the OP.
Finding themself in for a rude awakening, as it were.
Shocked by the presumptuousness of their sibling, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole Here?” (AITAH).
As is the case with the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms or required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
“AITAH for getting upset because family members assumed I’d be watching their newborn?”
The OP explained why she was shocked by an assumption their sibling made about her:
“I am a stay-at-home parent.”
“All of my children are finally in school.”
“I now have the time to delve into my hobbies and learn some new things, which I have been enjoying.”
“During Thanksgiving, I overheard some family members talking about their new bundle of joy.”
“They were asked about child care, and unbeknownst to me, they said I was going to watch the child.”
“They never even asked me!”
“I looked at them, and they just smiled.”
“Like it was a privilege for me.”
“I wasn’t trying to make a scene at the holiday party, so I didn’t say anything, just gave a look.”
“I do not in any way, shape, or form want to do that.”
“I’ll watch the baby here and there, but not every day.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP should not babysit just because they didn’t have a nine-to-five job, though many felt she should have said something then and there, and others urged her to talk to their sibling sooner rather than later:
“NO TF I’M NOT” was the appropriate answer to give in the moment.”
“When they ask again, it will still be an appropriate answer.”- IAmTAAlways
“NTA”
“Hate to break it to you, though, your look didn’t do what you think it did.”
“Your silence was much louder, and it will be taken as agreement.”
“You need to call or email or text them immediately and clarify your silence was in shock, given you were surprised to hear them speak about you caring for their child.”
“You are unavailable, and they will need to make alternative arrangements, period.”- Kind-Philosopher1
“NTA.”
“I would have spoke up in the moment, but there’s no time like the present, I say.”
“Set those boundaries ASAP.’
“Tell them you aren’t providing any more than VERY occasional childcare, and that you didn’t appreciate them volunteering you behind your back.”
“If you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else will.”- Vdavwil
“NTA.”
“If I’ve learned one thing from Reddit, it’s that more scenes need to be made.”
“Public shaming needs to be brought back.”- 0neThr0waway
“Uh, you need to actually say something.”
“But.”
“NTA.”- Equivalent_Lemon_319
“NTA.”
“Next time blurt out ‘why the hell would I want to do that?'”- PsychologicalSea2686
“NTA.”
“But please tell me you did more than just look at them.”
“You have to make it known that you’re not the designated babysitter or else everyone is going to try to take advantage.”- canarylungs
“NTA but you need to tell them NOW, or they’ll be telling people you agreed at Thanksgiving and took it back.”- gringaellie
“Open a family group chat PRONTO.”
”’I overheard you announce that I would be providing childcare for your baby. You never asked me nor discussed this with me. Now that my children are grown, I have filled my free time with new hobbies and activities. Good luck in your search for childcare. I am not available’.”
“You needn’t discuss it further with anyone.”
“You aren’t available.”
“NTA.”- MizPeachyKeen
“Wow!”
“If my sib volunteered me as a weekday babysitter for a relative’s newborn, there’d be a frank convo between me & my sib, on the sidelines, before they left that Thxgvg gathering, & they’d be REAL CLEAR that I wasn’t happy they pulled that stunt.”
“As for the parents of the newborn, they’re delusional if they think another adult can unilaterally GIVE AWAY my time, 5 days a wk, & they imagine I will meekly agree, & donate my precious time to their black hole.”
“Infants can suck up a huge amount of time, effort, & brain real estate, worrying, feeding, cleaning, changing diapers, wiping bottoms, bathing, trimming paper thin nails that slice like razor blades, singing them to sleep, walking them for hours when they colic.”- Wrong-Pension-4975
“NTA.”
“When the time comes for them to bring it up again just reply with ‘Oh, I’m sorry, you should’ve asked before. My mornings are now full since my kids are at school. I hope you find a solution soon’.”- CupcakeMurder86
“The time to nip that in the bud was right in that moment.”
“Now, by staying silent when they broached, you gave them tacit approval.”
“You really need to jump on this ASAP.”
“NTA for them thinking it, but you are for letting go past about 5 seconds after it was brought up.”-Briscogun
“NTA.”
“I have a cousin who had a late-in-life baby, and he expected his extended family to take his son when he and his wife go on lavish vacations.”
“Nah, bro: I chose to be child-free.”
“No one owes you anything.”
“You don’t owe anyone anything.”- katieforamerica
“I mean, you really need to stand up for yourself when you hear things like that.”- shyfidelity
“NTA.”
“You should’ve shut that down the moment you heard it.”
“I’d reach out privately and make it clear you will not be watching their kid.”
“After that entitled remark, I wouldn’t agree to watch the kid even once – they’re going to expect you to do it regularly.”
“Or, if you do want to watch the kid, research what local babysitters are paid and name your price.”
“Make sure it’s worth your time.”
“Don’t ever volunteer.”- lovewholly
The OP later returned with an update, acknowledging that telling their sibling immediately was the right thing to do, and how things went down when she followed their advice:
“I realized some of you were right.”
“I needed to tell them ASAP so they can plan actual daycare.”
“I called him last night.”
“I calmly asked him if he really thought I would be watching his baby.”
“He said yes because I was home all the time.”
“I asked him why he didn’t ask me first, and he said he didn’t think he had to.”
“It really pissed me off.”
“I said I have plenty to do and that if there is an emergency, I will be there and help, but that I wasn’t going to watch the baby every day.”
“He then got pissed and said they planned for me to, and now they have no idea how they will afford childcare.”
“This baby was planned, I should add.”
“He is upset because he also needs to work out for 2 hours a day after work.”
“He feels now that he won’t be able to and that will mess up his mental health.”
“They work from 7:30 am-4 pm and work out for 2 hours after that.”
“That’s around 10 hours I would have this newborn.”
“I said so your having a baby for me to take care of so your lives don’t change?”
“You want me to give up my free time, but you won’t?”
“We have talked about how happy I am in this moment with free time.”
“He said a child is more important than your hobbies.”
“Which totally set me the rest of the way off.”
“I said mine are, because I had them.”
“Your child is more important than the gym.”
“It’s not up to you to decide what I do with my time, and you can work out at home.”
“I said I was sorry and hung up.”
“Now it’s going to be super awkward, but at least they know now.”
One could possibly see why the OP’s brother thought she would be available to watch his child.
That he assumed she was ready and willing, however, is another matter entirely.
One hopes he found someone able to take care of his child.
And one hopes this experience taught him not to expect things will always turn out as he wants them to.