Becoming a new parent can come with lots of stress and often reveals parenting differences the couple may not have realized before. However, one thing parents should agree on is the new baby comes first before their own desires.
When conflict with her husband repeatedly arose over his destruction of their infant son’s pacifiers, Redditor throw36646 turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgement on the sucky situation.
She asked:
“AITA for yelling at my hushand in the middle of the night for this?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So my husband and I have a 5 months old son. He’s our first and as new parents we struggle a lot but no complaining as we help each other all we can.”
“However I have been having this tiny, little issue with my husband lately. He constantly takes our son’s pacifiers and chews on them like a dog for no reason causing them to be ruined.”
“He does this everytime he spends time with our son. He’d end up taking his pacifier from his mouth and then putting it in his mouth then start chewing on it and ruining it with his teeth.”
“I always have to get a new one or multiple but soon get chewed on and ruined. I asked my husband what the deal was and he said he doesn’t know he can’t help it, can not control himself whenever he sees that pacifier he’d just grab it and chew on it.”
“I sternly told him to stop taking our son’s pacifiers and ruining them causing me to spend money on new ones. But he does it again.”
“Last night our son couldn’t sleep (because of the heat) and I had to wake up at 2am to him crying. Before I tried to get him to calm down I looked for his pacifier.”
“I found it on the counter looking completely chewed out and ruined. I woke my husband up immediately to ask if he just ruined the new pacifier I got for our son. He said he did.”
Once caught again, OP’s husband failed to properly address the early hours disruption he caused.
“I asked if he was serious and he tried to make light of the situation after I told him now our son can not settle without his pacifier. He said he’d get new one in the morning under condition I stop getting in his face about it.”
“I ended up blowing up and yelling at him because our son needed his pacifier to sleep and he just ruined it by chewing on it like he was a dog. He looked at me confused and said ‘it’s just a pacifier why make a big deal out of it’.”
“I had him get up to get our son to calm down and he threw a fit about how controlling I was and how unfair it was for me to yell at him in the middle of the night and calling me crazy for making such fuss over a pacifier.”
“I reminded him that I already told him it was weird and wrong of him to take and ruin his son’s stuff like that but he still said I was being too harsh on him for a small mistake. I spoke to my sister about it this morning and she told me that he could be having stress issues explaining his behavior.”
“I felt guilty since he said he couldn’t help it. But I feel he doesn’t care. Hell he doesn’t even get replacements.”
“Someone asked if there was any behavioral changes my husband shows after our son was born. the babytalk and the chewing were all I could think of. Maybe him dropping things constantly.“
“In case it’s relevent my husband is 31 years old.”
The OP asked Redditors to weigh in and rule:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors ruled the OP was not the a**hole but her husband has some serious issues to work through.
“NTA. It’s not just a pacifier. It is a comfort tool for your infant. It lowers the risk of SIDS to let a baby have a pacifier.”
“Taking it out of his son’s mouth speaks to a problem. He needs help. All joking and irritation aside.”
“If a grown adult cannot stop themselves from removing their own infant’s comfort item that the baby is ACTIVELY USING…..there is something wrong. If he was buying his own pacifiers, weird but not disruptive I guess. But he’s stealing from a baby.”
“ Demand he talk to someone, he HAS to know this isn’t normal. I’d imagine he’s deflecting because he’s embarrassed.”
“Yes, it’s an AH move to steal from the baby. But this is past that. This. Is. Not. Normal. He needs help.“
“Get several spares and hide them. Might I suggest inside a box of tampons or something he would never touch.” angel2hi
“I’m going to say NTA. I understand the stress response but he’s an adult. Him having to get up is a consequence.”
“Maybe you should talk to him about ordering his own thing to chew on. It’s been recommended by several posters that your husband should see a therapist. Their may be a bigger issue here and some of his behavior is concerning.” Xgirly789
“NTA. He’s taking something out of his own child’s mouth for his own use. This is just not normal.”
“Next time you buy more pacifiers, get him his own. Separate colors from the ones for your son. Then insist on therapy.” Llyndreth
“You’re clearly NTA here, but I’m not sure what you do next – this isn’t behaviour that’s open to rational argument. For the child, maybe get a stock of several pacifiers and stash them so you’ve got some in reserve.”
“For the husband, a quick Google suggests that pacifiers are available in adult sizes thanks to a particular corner of the fetish community, so maybe get him one of his own.” _ewan_
After reading responses about talking to her husband or getting him his own chews, a frustrated OP added some comments.
She replied:
“Trust me I did talk to him. Million times over.”
“Whenever I try to have a serious discussion about his behavior he’d just play a game as if our son was talking and say stuff like ‘Leave us alone lady, leave us alone and we’ll leave you alone’.”
“Whenever I try to speak to him when he’s holding our son he’d make fun of me and babytalk me like he did nothing wrong and I’m the…in his words ‘crazy, loud old lady’ who’s trying to argue all the time.”
“It’s exhausting trying to get him to listen. He won’t get another then to chew on so I think this behavior only occurs when he sees the pacifier for some reason.”
Redditors continued their judgement OP was NTA offering her husband no excuses for his continued behavior and reactions to her attempts to talk.
“Not to make light of anyone with mental health issues, but honestly this guy just sounds like an immature asshole who isn’t ready for the responsibility of being a parent.”
“Good for you OP for giving him consequences and making him deal with the mess HE solely created. Maybe a few middle of the night handovers and he’ll stop being such a jackass. NTA.” HAHAtheanswerisNO
“… you feel guilty because a grown man continues to chew/ruin his infant son’s pacifier? Repeat that five times out loud. Still feel guilty?”
“NTA, WTF did I just read. ‘He can’t help it’ BS.”
“Edit: even if he spontaneously developed a sensory issue after the baby was born as some posters suggested, it’s no excuse to CONTINUE taking pacifiers from a literal baby to ruin.”
“He could chew on pens, pencils and gums all he wants. Why in the world is it his wife’s responsibility to get him adult chewables or whatever???”
“Why doesn’t he acknowledge that what he’s doing is disruptive to his son and wife in turn. Sensory issues are not an excuse to be an ahole.” bluestjordan
Sounds like this poster and her husband have a long road of uncomfortable conversations and limits to set.
Hopefully this new father learns to put his baby’s needs before his own.