Different hair textures require different care techniques. As an Indigenous North American woman with 3A curls of thick, blue-black hair, I'm sympathetic to people with 3B+ curls.
Even for me, the usual lather, rinse, and repeat doesn't produce the same results as people with less curl and finer hair.
A mom of a mixed race child turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after offering assistance to an adoptive mother of a black child.
Slight_Beginning6445 asked:
"AITA for asking another mom if I could help with her daughter's hair?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter (9) recently made a new friend. The friend is adopted, she's Black and her parents are White."
"We've had her around our house a lot the last few months and we've noticed that her parent's don't really know how to look after her hair."
"I'm White and my husband is mixed. His Black grandmother lives with us and she has pointed out the girl's hair and even tried to give her some haircare advice."
"I decided to bring up with the mom about her daughter's hair and that my husband's grandma was happy to give some advice or even wash/detangle and braid her hair."
"The mom was really upset that I would suggest she couldn't take care of her daughter properly and that I was overstepping boundaries. I told her that my grandma-in-law just wanted to help her to help her daughter."
"She told me I was being rude and undermining her parenting. She also told me I wasn't the first person to bring this up."
"I'm worried now because I really didn't think she would react like that. I'm worried I've ruined my daughter's new friendship."
"I understand why she's upset at thinking I'm trying to suggests she's not looking after her daughter properly."
On the other hand, it's 2024. There is so much information out there to help her with her daughter's hair plus we live near a big city where there are loads of salons she could take her daughter to."
"AITA for bringing this up?"
"I feel bad about how things transpired."
"Initially, I said something along the lines of 'Hey, my husband's grandma was wondering if she could do a little haircare for your daughter and she'd love to braid her hair'."
"I can't remember what she brought up first, but at some point she asked me why I was asking and I said it seems like you might need some help taking care of it."
"When she was completely against the idea, I continued to say that grandma would be happy to just give advice. Which was when I realised she was offended I'd even asked."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Asked my daughter's friend's mom if she wanted some help taking care of her daughter's hair as we noticed she maybe wasn't caring for it properly."
"This upset her mom who thinks we were questioning her ability to care for her daughter."
"This has possibly resulted in ruining my daughter's friendship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Thd majority of Redditors felt the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, assuming the suggestion was given in relative private and not like, at a mom's group in front of fifteen people."
"That woman needs to learn to love her daughter more than her pride. Her daughter's hair is different than hers and it requires different skills and tools to care for."
"I am roughly 100% certain that if she walked into any Black salon (don't be weird about this comment yall, you know what I mean) or beauty shop the people in it would love to help her and her daughter." ~ Scary-Welder8404
"NTA. She should be putting her daughter first & she isn't if people are offering to help because it's clear she's struggling. Especially with detangling." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"She'll finally change her mind the day her daughter comes home crying because the other kids are making fun of her. NTA." ~ diezwillinge
"She absolutely will not. She'll just decide to damage her daughter's hair by straightening it because she'll have too much pride to admit that that she was wrong, with some racism/dismissal of other cultures thrown in there." ~ sadworldmadworld
"This is honestly kinda neglectful of the mom. I know she doesn't know better, but if multiple people have said something and she can realize her daughter's hair is f*cked up, she should let go of her pride."
"Hair, especially curly, can get matted so quick with the wrong products. Then here comes the big chop and a blow to the kid's self esteem. Poor girl." ~ Far_Adhesiveness1586
However some thought the opposite, that OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"Hmm... so if the friend was White would you have said anything to her mother? YTA." ~ Money-Tiger569
"I think that's a very interesting question."
"Probably 10 years or so ago, there was a photo of Angelina Jolie with Shiloh and Zahara—who is Black. Both Shiloh and Zahara had the 'messy ponytail' look, and Angelina's hair was kind of a messy style as well."
"Not one person criticized Angelina or Shiloh for their hair, but every commenter criticized Angelina, Zahara, or both for Zahara's hair."
"That said, Black hair does need additional care. If the hair is actually dried out, that can be a big problem. If it's just not styled at all times, then YTA." ~ Rredhead926
"YTA. Severely overstepped boundaries and embarrassed another person. You can be 'right' and still be an ahole, something this subReddit struggles with understanding." ~ Pintailite
"Gentle YTA for your accusatory approach. I'm going to guess it's a sore subject for her. Totally not an excuse to go off on you, but having another White woman say something about her child's hair may have just kind of sent her over the edge."
"I would approach it with grace, and next time you see her, apologize and just say you know how hard haircare is, and we are just offering some help since your Black MIL lives with you and does fantastic work with your kid's hair."
"Let her know her kid looks great, but you were just extending a helping hand also being a White mom with a child who has a hair type you weren't familiar with before your marriage."
"Maybe even ask her out for a coffee. Maybe she needs a friend too." ~ RedHolly
"I am a White mom to a Black daughter. One thing you need to be careful of: is the issue actually the health of her hair (moisturized, detangled, clean, etc...) or is it that it's not styled at all times?"
"There is an expectation forced on the Black community where the hair always has to be styled or look nice. While this can be cute, it doesn't mean the hair is not cared for properly or it's not healthy. This line gets blurred a lot, especially if it's a White parent to a Black child."
"The other question: would you say the same thing to a Black mom of a Black child? Or a White mom of a White child?"
"There are lots of White kids running around without their hair impeccably styled 24/7. There are plenty of children of all races out there with wild hair. If not, then it's racist to push this stereotype on this mother and on her child."
"So depending on the actual condition of the hair, you might be YTA." ~ pibble-momma
"There are a lot of assumptions beneath the idea of 'good hair'. That mom almost certainly knows how to handle the hair and likely is choosing not to."
"The microagression embedded in a lot of the comments is that Black hair is inherently unattractive in its natural state, and it needs to be tamed, shaped, braided, etc... to be acceptable."
"It becomes a racist microaggression when we recognize we don't push perfectly styled hair as a requirement on White children or their mothers." ~ tinyahjumma
And some saw no a**holes here (NAH).
"NAH. You thought you were being kind by offering to help mom with your daughter's friend's hair. However, you also said that this is a new friend—so you don't necessarily have transparency."
"Maybe Friend's hair looks unkempt because mom doesn't know how to do it—this is what you automatically assumed."
"But maybe friend's hair looks unkempt because a friend has sensory issues and won't allow mom to brush her hair, or because friend is exercising bodily autonomy and choosing unkempt hair, or because friend has legitimate trauma around having her hair done, or you just haven't seen her when her hair is styled."
"I'm also going to agree with the poster who said Caucasian people with Black partners don't get some sort of 'Wise Person' pass. Mom may have taken the comments better if they came from an actual Black person." ~ Rredhead926
This topic definitely could have been approached more diplomatically and perhaps attained different results.
As some of the OP's critics pointed out, there could be many reasons for the way the friend's hair looks the way it does. And maybe it is an exception, not a regular occurrence.
Asking if there was a problem instead of telling the mother there was one would have been a far better way to broach the subject.
And everyone who responded needs to unpack the inherent double standards placed on people of different races.
Bed head and wind-blown and messy updos are actual hairstyles people pay money to achieve, but they are only acceptable for some people.
Why is natural hair considered attractive for some but a negative for others?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp