Having children is a beautiful and life-affirming experience, so they say.
But it is also one of the most brutal and stress-inducing.
Parents need breaks to function.
Parents are not superhuman, just ordinary humans who need help.
That’s why depending on a partner in the parenting trenches is a gift.
But even partners need a reprieve.
And figuring out that schedule can be chaotic.
Case in point…
Redditor mc78907 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not cancelling a boy’s trip upon my wife’s request?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me (33 M[ale]) and my wife (32 F[emale]) have a 1-year-old son.”
“Back when he was 5 months old, my friends and I began planning an annual golf trip, that would take place 6 months later.”
“As soon as we had tentative dates and location, I asked my wife if it was okay to go.”
“She gave me approval, and I began to plan.”
“I found an Airbnb and booked flights.”
“Fast forward to 5 months later, a couple of weeks before the trip.”
“Our son was in the midst of a sleep regression, and he was waking up several times each night.”
“My wife still breastfed him, and he would not accept me when he’d wake up upset.”
“As a result, she was left doing all of the tendings to him during the nights.”
“One day she approached me and said she didn’t want me to go anymore and that I needed to stay home because she was afraid it would be too much for her alone.”
“I told her that I understood why she was anxious about it but she had agreed to me going already, and I’d committed about $1k plus had the Airbnb in my name for all 12 of us.”
“This evolved into an argument and she was very mad that I would not change my mind.”
“I told her that I’d gladly return the favor on a trip if she wanted to plan one and encouraged her to do so.”
“During my trip, she sent me texts and called me, very upset.”
“When I returned home, we had another argument about it.”
“We’ve since reconciled, but I know her stance on it has not changed, nor has mine.”
“AITA?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Does she not have family nearby?”
“Do you not have family nearby?”
“Did you take all of the other people she knows on the trip with you?”
“She had plenty of notice to even arrange an out-of-town visit for help at the point where your kid started his sleep regression.”
“Wasting that amount of money is insane to me, and seeing the number of Y T A votes in this thread is staggering.”
“I’m a mom, and I flat out sent her father on a trip while she was in a sleep regression because having him around being effectively useless since she only wanted me made everything approximately 100x harder emotionally and mentally.” ~ allycat1229
“For sure. That’s a lot of money, and she had six months to figure out what to do if anything came up. Part of being a parent is planning for bad sh*t or just in general.”
“Different if it was a few hundred but over grand + 6 months ahead of time is insane.” ~ Miserable-Home984
“Exactly! My husband had to leave a 6-week-old baby and myself for a week for visa stuff.”
“We got his mom’s trip arrangements to come to be with me sorted 2 months before he left.”
“It’s not difficult.” ~ OutrageousMulberry76
“That’s great that you had access to that kind of support but not everybody does.”
“I was extremely socially isolated after I had my eldest (and was pregnant with my daughter), and it was HARD. So hard.”
“So to say ‘it’s not difficult’ is a little dismissive of people for whom it can be VERY difficult!” ~ Electrical-Tiger-536
“We don’t have a village; we live overseas from family, for one major factor.”
“I still wouldn’t force my husband to cancel a 3-day trip just for sleep regression with a 1year old (and yes, I am a parent- we have a 4yo and an infant).”
“You buckle down and power through.”
“My husband went on a 4-day work trip when our first (Not an easy baby at all) was 3 months; I made sure I had easy meals, planned for delivery, and our dogs got shorter walks.”
“But we made it. OP is NTA.” ~ fripan81
“In theory, yes, she could have a turn.”
“But I can only speak to my own experience (which can differ wildly depending on your baby) being the main caretaker to a young child, it doesn’t always work out in a tit-for-tat way.”
“My one-year-old would have screamed bloody murder for two days straight if I had left him for two days.”
“I couldn’t have done that to my child or my husband.”
“Since it says the child prefers her, there may be a similar dynamic at play here.”
“I can’t say for sure their dynamic, but She sounds exhausted and possibly at the end of her rope, they need a sit down, that’s for sure.” ~ FrostyCranberry3480
“Devils advocate. Not everyone has family or friends close by, and not everyone can afford to pay for their family/friends to come to them.”
“Also, postpartum depression.”
“If she feels she can’t do it on her own and it scares her, perhaps she shouldn’t be left alone for even 3 days.”
“People downplay the struggles of mothers with depression then wonder what happened when something goes wrong.”
“Not everyone handles the stress of a baby the same.”
“Just because it’s just 2 nights and 3 days to you, doesn’t mean it’s not colossal to her.”
“Also, I’m sure contacting the AirBnB host and seeing if they could change the reservation name to someone else in the party wouldn’t hurt.” ~ Silly-Okra-7899
“I had my then teething/multiple night waker six months for nine days while my husband was on a hunting trip.”
“Parenting is hard.”
“Sleep regressions suck!”
“But she had so much time to prepare.”
“I would never have asked my husband to cancel a trip because parenting solo was going to be hard.”
“That’s what I signed up for in becoming a parent, and know my husband will (and has!) returned the favor. NTA.” ~ HalcyonCA
“For the record, most if not all of the YTA votes are because of Reddit’s general bias against anything a man does that may or may not piss off a woman.”
“Seriously, I’m a mum, and I agree with you. NTA.”
“He asked, and she agreed.”
“He spent money that she agreed on, it wouldn’t be fair to make him stay home just so he could flutter uselessly while baby only wants mum.”
“Like… hormones are REAL, but still, she’s being unreasonable.” ~ spinly_jaye
“NTA. And honestly, I don’t understand all these people on Reddit that can’t handle taking care of a kid by themselves.”
“I know this comment will cause me to have downvotes, but it’s okay.”
“Like okay, she can put the kid in bed with her and breastfeed the baby there.”
“Then she can nap throughout the day.”
“What happens if the husband was on a business trip?”
“She will be okay.”
“But when you get back make sure you take the baby for a couple of days.” ~ Accomplished-Mud2840
“Totally agree. At a year old, with ONE child, this mom should be able to do it.”
“If not, I would be concerned about either baseline mental health or her ability to parent.”
“Parents need breaks.”
“SHE probably needs one.”
“My husband and I have three children 14 months apart (surprise), and we both go on vacations with friends annually.”
“Did we immediately after having the third? No.”
“We usually wait 6-9 months.”
“My husband or I typically ask permission, and if we feel we need reinforcements call family or ask friends for play dates.”
“People in this group are delusional if they say this man is the AH with the information he posted above.”
“Reddit, you have failed this man.”
“I hope he reads logic and knows he’s not an AH.”
“That being said, your wife needs help, bro.”
“More than just for your weekend away.”
“Therapy? Counselor? Mommy’s helper? I don’t know.”
“She has postpartum anxiety.” ~ CupAccomplished3353
“And it seems like she was communicating she was struggling and couldn’t handle it.”
“Wouldn’t your point indicate that OP should’ve shown more concern in leaving her alone, considering she DID communicate this to him?”
“Let’s not shame mothers who aren’t able to handle it all, all of the time.”
“Let’s encourage mothers to acknowledge when they’re struggling, reach out to their partners when they are, and expect partners to take these struggles seriously.”
“Let’s also remember that the first few years after giving birth women are at high risk of depression and anxiety.”
“And let’s not engage in ‘Mom Olympics’ and compare experiences ‘Well, I was able to do this, why can’t she?'”
“And acknowledge that we all have our breaking points, we all handle things differently.”
“And let’s, not shame moms when they communicate to their partners they need them to show up for them because they just don’t know if they can make it on their own, even for a few days.” ~ chaotic_chaos_2
“NTA. If genders were reversed, people here would be claiming your significant other is controlling and toxic, just like it happened in a similar post a little time ago.” ~ gts_2022
OP came back with an Update…
“I’ve been asked to comment on the length of the trip and if I coordinated help for her before I left.”
“I did coordinate help but she wasn’t comfortable with someone else watching him at that point.”
“The trip was 2 days, 3 nights.”
Well, OP, Reddit is with you on this one.
You planned far in advance, and a lot of money was already spent.
It’s unfortunate y’all are having these issues.
Maybe now that things are calmer, the two of you can sit down and have a long chat about the stresses of parenting.
Communication is everything.