New parents face a lot of challenges.
The whole nature of the game you’ve been playing up to this point has changed.
The rules have all shifted so that you are no longer the focus of your life and this new entirely helpless being is totally dependant on you for everything.
It can be a lot.
What happens when, as new parents, only one of you has made the transition from self-oriented to baby-oriented?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Mamaeestressada when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for mistreating and kicking my fiancé and his friends out of the house?”
OP began with the current state of her household.
“My fiance Henry and I had our first child, Dom, 2 months old.”
“The first month was very complicated, many sleepless nights and stress, nothing unusual. Now Dom is sleeping a little more, but we still wake up at night.”
“Last Wednesday Henry asked if about 3 of his friends could come over on Friday for them to play and he could be free of responsibility for about 2/3 hours.”
“I thought it was a reasonable request, because I already asked him for the same 1x and he was fine.”
“As I know it gets noisy, I visited my mother with my baby and had dinner with her, it was time and I came back.”
Everything was fine, until…
“They were still there and my fiancé pulled me aside saying they were having fun and if they could stay another hour. I reluctantly accepted, the noise wasn’t too bad (less competitive game).”
“I put my son to sleep after 30 minutes and I went to bed myself.”
“After 2 hours, I (who is a heavy sleeper) woke up and right after that Dom woke up.”
“I went into the living room (where they were) and I gave Henry a hard look and he spoke (no sound) for another 30 minutes. I accepted, I was too tired to think straight.”
“It took longer to get Dom to sleep, he even needed a bottle.”
“I went back to sleep, I didn’t even see if they were gone, and I woke up again with noise and it was almost 2 am (keep in mind that I went to dinner with my mother at 8 pm).”
“Just like Dom who was already stressed since that first time.”
OP then laid out the actual issue she needed some opinions on.
“I stormed out of the room and kind of screamed asking if they knew what time it was and they started laughing.”
“I told everyone it was time for them to leave and they and my husband started saying that another hour wouldn’t kill me and that Henry deserved a break from being a father.”
“I don’t know if my fiancé was drunk, but he kept nodding saying he was having fun.”
“They started pressuring me to stop being annoying.”
“That’s where the part that maybe I’m an ass begins.”
“I was very annoyed with everyone I opened the door of living Room (main door) and said out loud for everyone to leave.”
“Everyone was embarrassed and Henry was super embarrassed, he tried to retort with me and I completed by saying that since he wants to spend time with his friends so much, he should sleep with them tonight.”
“Everyone left, my fiancé too and I finally had a night’s rest after putting my baby to sleep.”
“I got a lot of messages from everyone that it was disrespectful to kick them out of the house.”
“Henry said he had asked for a few hours to rest and I didn’t know how to respect his request, besides humiliating him in front of his friends.”
Though she was confident in her actions, OP stitill seemed to want some reassurance.
“For me it is clear that some clueless people have more than to go to hell, but I would like an opinion.”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were pragmatic.
“NTA.”
“You honored his reasonable request and he proceeded to take serious advantage.”
“They were continually waking up you and your baby. He owes you a huge apology and if he and his friends can’t be respectful, don’t agree to this again.” ~ Temporary_Badger
And,
“NTA.”
“You agreed to 2-3 hours, gracefully acquiesced to an extension, and it went six hours before you blew up at them.”
“If Henry wants to play into the wee hours with his buddies, he can do it at their place once in a while, but not where an infant is sleeping.”
“Also, there’s no such thing as taking ‘a break from being a father’ and Henry needs to understand that NOW.” ~ RealTalkFastWalk
Others felt that the problem ran far deeper.
“If he was an invested father this must be a miracle baby.”
“My husband slept every minute he could the first two months.”
“Hanging with friends – only during the afternoon.”
“And at this time I was still breastfeeding so he only got up for diapers or to help me if I was to tired to pick up our daughter.”
“And still, he was so sleepy because having a newborn ist tough.”
“I really hope this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.”
“Or she gets divorced and lives with someone more helpful like her mom.”
“There are so many things which are not okay.”
“Like how he let’s his friends talk to you and message you.”
“How he doesn’t help. How he plays until early morning. None of this is okay in a marriage (with an infant) without talking before.” ~ voluntaryfirefighter
Also,
“Couple things here.”
“1. NTA.”
“2. If your fiancé is acting this way already with just the one kid and y’all haven’t even tied the knot yet, it’s either gonna get worse, or he will likely act this way forever.”
“Cut and run, or tell him he needs to grow up.”
“Being a parent is a responsibility.”
“Now while I agree that every parent deserves a night or a couple hours off of parent duty for healthy mind and body, you already gave him the ok multiple times for him and his dumb*ss friends to keep hanging out.”
“The fact that he disrespected you like that and let his friends do the same is bullshit and a HUGE RED FLAG.”
“Save yourself.” ~ Serenity_Usagi
Commenters questioned Henry’s decision-making abilities.
“Nothing wrong with taking a break from watching the kids and being in charge, you do something else but with your kid and how it works for them in mind and you are still being a good parent.”
“You go out and be loud somewhere else.”
“You be honest with your timeline and be done when you say you will.”
“You don’t shirk your other duties.”
“But Henry was taking a break from being a father, meaning he was pretending like his kid didn’t exist, and that’s not ok.”
“His problem is that he doesn’t keep the best interest of the baby and his gf in mind when he decides what kind of fun to have.” ~ RealTalkFastWalk
Or,
“NTA..”
“Any parent here remembers what its like having a 2 month old.. and the value of SLEEP.”
“Waking the baby up, in and off itself, is worthy of exile.”
“Once that child enters the picture, playtime with your friends takes 2nd place going forward.”
“You two are supposed to be a team.”
“He should have had quiet for the sake of baby as his first priority. He ganged up on you with his friends to make you feel like you were in the wrong.”
“Poke Momma Bear and find out!” ~ MongooseLoud
Of course, there were also personal stories.
“My daughter was also a nicu baby.”
“She was there for 5 months and had really terrible reflux.”
“So, every 3 hours, round the clock, either I or a nurse would pick her up, feed her, then cuddle and talk with her for at least 30 minutes so she wouldn’t choke on her own vomit.”
“They were paid to be awake and attentive 24/7.”
“Until she was 18 months old, my child woke up at 3am, ready for a snack and to play for a few hours.” ~ sandwichcrackers
Also,
“My daughter and I both have this same… thing that happens.”
“We just go, go, go, then lights out. Whenever and wherever that is.”
“Then neither of us can sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time so nothing ever regulates night times sleep for us.”
“We call this the ‘Cat sleep cycle’ in my house.” ~ TjStarling
There was also confusion as to why the party had to be at OP’s house.
“NTA I’m so confused WHY his friends need to hang out at your house???”
“Who says yeah let’s keep the party going at the place with a young baby!”
“Awesome! What jerks.”
“Seriously that’s so immature and thoughtless.”
“Do not let him blame you.”
“If you did that to him and he kept getting woken up with you having drunken fun he would be pissed off!”
“His friends face no consequences and feel free to harass you.”
“That’s not ok. Your husband not being on your side and the baby’s is a huge problem.” ~ BellaBlue06
Having a baby changes everything.
While it can be tempting to hold on to the way things used to be, the changes keep coming.
How we adapt to those alterations can truly make all the difference.