New parents face a lot of challenges.
The whole nature of the game you've been playing up to this point has changed.
The rules have all shifted so that you are no longer the focus of your life and this new entirely helpless being is totally dependant on you for everything.
It can be a lot.
What happens when, as new parents, only one of you has made the transition from self-oriented to baby-oriented?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Mamaeestressada when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for mistreating and kicking my fiancé and his friends out of the house?"
OP began with the current state of her household.
"My fiance Henry and I had our first child, Dom, 2 months old."
"The first month was very complicated, many sleepless nights and stress, nothing unusual. Now Dom is sleeping a little more, but we still wake up at night."
"Last Wednesday Henry asked if about 3 of his friends could come over on Friday for them to play and he could be free of responsibility for about 2/3 hours."
"I thought it was a reasonable request, because I already asked him for the same 1x and he was fine."
"As I know it gets noisy, I visited my mother with my baby and had dinner with her, it was time and I came back."
Everything was fine, until...
"They were still there and my fiancé pulled me aside saying they were having fun and if they could stay another hour. I reluctantly accepted, the noise wasn't too bad (less competitive game)."
"I put my son to sleep after 30 minutes and I went to bed myself."
"After 2 hours, I (who is a heavy sleeper) woke up and right after that Dom woke up."
"I went into the living room (where they were) and I gave Henry a hard look and he spoke (no sound) for another 30 minutes. I accepted, I was too tired to think straight."
"It took longer to get Dom to sleep, he even needed a bottle."
"I went back to sleep, I didn't even see if they were gone, and I woke up again with noise and it was almost 2 am (keep in mind that I went to dinner with my mother at 8 pm)."
"Just like Dom who was already stressed since that first time."
OP then laid out the actual issue she needed some opinions on.
"I stormed out of the room and kind of screamed asking if they knew what time it was and they started laughing."
"I told everyone it was time for them to leave and they and my husband started saying that another hour wouldn't kill me and that Henry deserved a break from being a father."
"I don't know if my fiancé was drunk, but he kept nodding saying he was having fun."
"They started pressuring me to stop being annoying."
"That's where the part that maybe I'm an ass begins."
"I was very annoyed with everyone I opened the door of living Room (main door) and said out loud for everyone to leave."
"Everyone was embarrassed and Henry was super embarrassed, he tried to retort with me and I completed by saying that since he wants to spend time with his friends so much, he should sleep with them tonight."
"Everyone left, my fiancé too and I finally had a night's rest after putting my baby to sleep."
"I got a lot of messages from everyone that it was disrespectful to kick them out of the house."
"Henry said he had asked for a few hours to rest and I didn't know how to respect his request, besides humiliating him in front of his friends."
Though she was confident in her actions, OP stitill seemed to want some reassurance.
"For me it is clear that some clueless people have more than to go to hell, but I would like an opinion."
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were pragmatic.
"NTA."
"You honored his reasonable request and he proceeded to take serious advantage."
"They were continually waking up you and your baby. He owes you a huge apology and if he and his friends can't be respectful, don't agree to this again." ~ Temporary_Badger
And,
"NTA."
"You agreed to 2-3 hours, gracefully acquiesced to an extension, and it went six hours before you blew up at them."
"If Henry wants to play into the wee hours with his buddies, he can do it at their place once in a while, but not where an infant is sleeping."
"Also, there's no such thing as taking 'a break from being a father' and Henry needs to understand that NOW." ~ RealTalkFastWalk
Others felt that the problem ran far deeper.
"If he was an invested father this must be a miracle baby."
"My husband slept every minute he could the first two months."
"Hanging with friends - only during the afternoon."
"And at this time I was still breastfeeding so he only got up for diapers or to help me if I was to tired to pick up our daughter."
"And still, he was so sleepy because having a newborn ist tough."
"I really hope this is a once-in-a-lifetime event."
"Or she gets divorced and lives with someone more helpful like her mom."
"There are so many things which are not okay."
"Like how he let's his friends talk to you and message you."
"How he doesn't help. How he plays until early morning. None of this is okay in a marriage (with an infant) without talking before." ~ voluntaryfirefighter
Also,
"Couple things here."
"1. NTA."
"2. If your fiancé is acting this way already with just the one kid and y'all haven't even tied the knot yet, it's either gonna get worse, or he will likely act this way forever."
"Cut and run, or tell him he needs to grow up."
"Being a parent is a responsibility."
"Now while I agree that every parent deserves a night or a couple hours off of parent duty for healthy mind and body, you already gave him the ok multiple times for him and his dumb*ss friends to keep hanging out."
"The fact that he disrespected you like that and let his friends do the same is bullshit and a HUGE RED FLAG."
"Save yourself." ~ Serenity_Usagi
Commenters questioned Henry's decision-making abilities.
"Nothing wrong with taking a break from watching the kids and being in charge, you do something else but with your kid and how it works for them in mind and you are still being a good parent."
"You go out and be loud somewhere else."
"You be honest with your timeline and be done when you say you will."
"You don't shirk your other duties."
"But Henry was taking a break from being a father, meaning he was pretending like his kid didn't exist, and that's not ok."
"His problem is that he doesn't keep the best interest of the baby and his gf in mind when he decides what kind of fun to have." ~ RealTalkFastWalk
Or,
"NTA.."
"Any parent here remembers what its like having a 2 month old.. and the value of SLEEP."
"Waking the baby up, in and off itself, is worthy of exile."
"Once that child enters the picture, playtime with your friends takes 2nd place going forward."
"You two are supposed to be a team."
"He should have had quiet for the sake of baby as his first priority. He ganged up on you with his friends to make you feel like you were in the wrong."
"Poke Momma Bear and find out!" ~ MongooseLoud
Of course, there were also personal stories.
"My daughter was also a nicu baby."
"She was there for 5 months and had really terrible reflux."
"So, every 3 hours, round the clock, either I or a nurse would pick her up, feed her, then cuddle and talk with her for at least 30 minutes so she wouldn't choke on her own vomit."
"They were paid to be awake and attentive 24/7."
"Until she was 18 months old, my child woke up at 3am, ready for a snack and to play for a few hours." ~ sandwichcrackers
Also,
"My daughter and I both have this same... thing that happens."
"We just go, go, go, then lights out. Whenever and wherever that is."
"Then neither of us can sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time so nothing ever regulates night times sleep for us."
"We call this the 'Cat sleep cycle' in my house." ~ TjStarling
There was also confusion as to why the party had to be at OP's house.
"NTA I'm so confused WHY his friends need to hang out at your house???"
"Who says yeah let's keep the party going at the place with a young baby!"
"Awesome! What jerks."
"Seriously that's so immature and thoughtless."
"Do not let him blame you."
"If you did that to him and he kept getting woken up with you having drunken fun he would be pissed off!"
"His friends face no consequences and feel free to harass you."
"That's not ok. Your husband not being on your side and the baby's is a huge problem." ~ BellaBlue06
Having a baby changes everything.
While it can be tempting to hold on to the way things used to be, the changes keep coming.
How we adapt to those alterations can truly make all the difference.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp