When not properly discussed, behavior issues in a relationship can lead to a lot of stress.
Sometimes one partner relies too much on another.
When this happens, the relationship can buckle in so many small ways that lead to bigger cracks.
Being able communicate these concerns isn’t always easy.
Redditor SignalDay2587 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my boyfriend not to treat me like his secretary?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This morning, as my B[oy]F[riend] was getting ready to leave for work, he asked me a succession of questions.”
“He asked… ‘Do you have a USB-C cable I can borrow? What am I cooking tonight? Do we have beef? Is it going to rain today?'”
“He was in a rush, and I was having breakfast at the table, from where I could reach the under-counter fridge.”
“After the ‘do we have beef’ question, I just shrugged like I didn’t know and opened the fridge so he could see inside.”
“He went ‘okay, cool’ from across the table and then asked me about the weather.”
“I said, ‘I don’t know, I’m not your Siri.’”
“He went, ‘I’m just asking you a question,’ and I went, ‘You’ve asked me lots of questions,’ and then something like ‘people ask their mom or their secretary things like this.’”
“He got annoyed and said I was being weird, then left, saying, ‘You’re just angry because I asked you to turn off the light in the bedroom.'”
“We disagree over what counts as ‘wasteful’ use of electricity.”
“I don’t think having one small lamp in the other room lit so I can see where I’m going when I walk in there in twenty minutes is wasteful, he does.”
“This was all sort of joking, but I could tell he was annoyed.”
“For context, we’ve been together over six years, we moved in together nine months ago, and we’ve spoken many times before about gender roles/division of labor/partner expectations, including in couples therapy.”
“I know he has good intentions and that he was in a rush.”
“I could’ve answered his questions and told him later to please check these things for himself and not leave the mental load up to me.”
“On the other hand, these are the moments where I feel it’s most productive to call out the dynamics I want to avoid.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for being snarky and telling him in the moment?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“All the women who have experienced this know you’re NTA.”
“He’s not ‘making small talk’ – he’s asking you questions he could easily answer himself and shifting the mental load to you.”
“This issue was magnified for my husband and me after our first child.”
“I would already have my own set of 100 questions running through my brain (did my son eat enough, does he have clean bottles, when will he nap today, do I need to change his diaper soon, where did I put xyz, etc.).”
“If my husband said something like… ‘Do I need a jacket? Is it cold outside?'”
“It was enough to make me flip. We talked about it, and he stopped asking me questions he could easily find the answers to.”
“You are smart to call this out now.”
“Maybe your tone was poor, but overall NTA.” ~ LittleFootFoot
“Yep. This is the dynamic I have with my partner.”
“17 years.”
“I’ve had enough of being the project manager for both our lives.”
“I’m actually ending things with him for this reason.”
“He’s a wonderful person, but a mediocre partner, and I’m done.” ~ poisonivyuk
“Yep. A project manager is exactly that.”
“Everyone tells me how great my husband is because he’s super easygoing, never seems to be mad.”
“He’s always down to do pretty much whatever I want.”
“The problem is, if it isn’t something I’m coordinating, it does NOT happen.”
“It is exhausting to have to carry the mental load for every aspect of our lives.”
“It’s disappointing to feel like a nag or like everything is a game of twenty questions (because coordinating and initiating everything includes initiating conversations, and if there’s something wrong with the car but I don’t specifically ask ‘how is the car?'”
“That information will never be offered up.”
“It’s demoralizing to feel like the only one who cares about your life together.”
“He’s a great, smart, funny person.”
“And being agreeable and low-key is not a terrible trait to have.”
“But I am still grappling with how to keep my sanity and my marriage.” ~ zelda_reincarnated
“NTA. My ex would ask me to do all sorts of secretarial work—book cars for him, make appointments, plan vacations, schedule medical visits, text our kids for him, do financial planning, etc.”
“I realized that since I was doing everything, I didn’t really need him in my life.” ~ nadinepal
“My boyfriend does the same to me, and I get annoyed because he could look for whatever he’s looking for himself.”
“And then I felt bad for being annoyed. I never thought of it as him shifting the mental load onto me, which explains why I get annoyed.”
“But from now on I will, thank you, internet stranger!” ~ SensitiveDonkey6328
“My husband does this, and it makes me lose my mind.”
“The most irritating one is asking me what time it is, as if we didn’t have fifteen million ways nowadays for that.”
“Yes, let me break my concentration while I’m W[ork] F[rom] H[ome] because you dont want to roll over and look at a clock.”
“He says it’s easier to ask, and I have to explain that it’s only easier FOR HIM.” ~ boinkish
“NTA. The issue isn’t that he is asking your questions; it’s that by asking you questions, he is making you responsible for the answer.”
“All the things he asked, he could find out / take ownership of himself.”
“My partner used to do this to me, and we’ve had a few conversations about how it makes me feel responsible for everything (and yes, carry the mental load).”
“It’s still a work in progress, but I remind him he is a smart guy and can figure it out.” ~ SeaAd16910
“I think you’re NTA in general, but especially considering this happened in the morning.”
“I know not everyone is the same, but if I’m just waking up, I don’t like a bunch of questions launched at me first thing, please wait until my brain is firing on all cylinders.”
“If they are questions whose answers are entirely for your benefit, that you could have looked up just as easily as I could, I’d absolutely be impatient too.” ~ macaroniandmilk
“Yes, this is annoying.”
“My husband used to do the same.”
“Including ‘how do I cook the chicken,’ and ‘what temp do I need to wash this shirt at,’ and my answer was always ‘I don’t know, you’re holding it, what does the label say?'”
“Calling it out is one thing, ng but it’s going to cause friction.”
“You need to make it harder to ask you the questions than to look it up himself.”
“If he’s genuinely in a rush, reminding him to bring a rain jacket is helpful, but it is dead lazy to assume another person will do your logistics planning for you.”
“Women tend to be very good at organising and planning, and while we all like to be helpful to loved ones, it can get to be too much when it’s just expected.” ~ Defiant_Junketer
“NTA. I also have this, but then I get interrogated if he thinks the answers are wrong.”
“I have just started answering, ‘don’t know, but you can check the app/fridge/bathroom/whatever to find out.'”
“He did once ask why I don’t know things anymore, and I just shrugged.”
“If I point out that he can just find out, he gets all upset and offended, so it’s easier to deal with it like this.”
“I don’t need more of a mental load in the house than I already have, and he, as a grown human man, can use his curiosity to answer these inane questions.”
“How does he think I find out if it will rain?”
“Am I physically tuned to the weather, or do I have to spend time doing something he can do himself, like opening the weather app?” ~ clrthrn
“NTA, my boyfriend does this, and it’s annoying.”
“He always asks me if it’s raining when we’re both inside!”
“Like, why would I know if it’s raining more than you?”
“He ALWAYS asks me for a charger or where it is as well.”
“We each have our own chargers, and I never touch his, so I never have any idea where his charger is.”
“I’m like, wherever you last were using it?”
“then hell make like a groaning noise and go look for it.”
“I know it’s silly, but he does it every day, and I never know.”
“He asks a lot of questions I wouldn’t know any better than to ask him.
“If he asks me where his charger is, I’d have to go up and look for it, just like he would, just like if it’s raining, I’d pull the weather app on my phone just like he could do or go look out the window… lol.”
“So no, I don’t think you’re the a**hole because I also find it annoying; however, I’ve never brought it up to my BF or told him to stop because it’s a very small thing lol, so he doesn’t even know I find it annoying.”
“If I did tell him to stop, he’d probably laugh at it, but I dont think he’d be mad.” ~ gabahgoole
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are his partner, not his keeper.
You finally lost it.
It happens.
Hopefully, the two of you can have a calm conversation about it all and make it work.