Having a child with special needs is not always easy.
Rewarding, wonderful and loving yes.
But it takes a lot of work.
Situations are going to arise and feels like you just always have to be prepared, no matter what.
And that can lead to some issues.
Case in point…
Redditor Historical-Baker1805 wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not reprimanding my daughter?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 30sF[emale] have a daughter Nina 15 F with autism.”
“She’s a very sweet girl but yes, she does have some limitations.”
“Although I try not to focus on this and instead consider what she does bring to the table.”
“This past weekend we had my sister’s wedding (Abbie 30 F).”
“The problems started during the ceremony.”
“Nina began to stim verbally.”
“I’m aware of this and consider it healthy to let her communicate in her own way so I didn’t say anything.”
“This stopped about a minute later.”
“Well, right before Abbie and new B[rother] I[n] L[aw] kissed Nina started screaming and writhing, not a meltdown but pretty close to it.”
“Later I found out she was really bothered by the perfume someone near us had on.”
“At that point my stepdad told her to shut up and that I was ruining the wedding by letting her act like that.”
“I don’t realistically think I was but she was really rattled so we ended up leaving after the ceremony.”
“Later that night my stepdad called and said I owe the whole family an apology and most significantly Abbie.”
“My mom said she was glad to see us but I really needed to get Nina under control because not everyone’s going to be ‘as understanding as us.'”
“So both parents think I’ve done something awful and committed grievous crimes against my sister.”
“But my daughter can’t help the way that she is and I don’t see how this is a transgression against my sister.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“YTA. I have a child like Nina.”
“You should have removed her when she became verbal.”
“The wedding was about your sister and her husband.”
“Not an opportunity for you to practice parenting and socializing your daughter.”
“You should’ve apologized already.” ~ honorablecheshire
“Me as well, and I agree with you.”
“OP, you need to know as the parent that you are going to miss some events like this because your child can’t handle it.”
“You needed to leave the second she became really audible, not doing so was selfish.” ~ ladyfeyrey
“The fact that OP provides no details on whether Nina even wanted to attend the wedding nor on whether she wanted to leave once the stimming started is incredibly telling.”
“Seems like OP wants to pretend like her daughter doesn’t require additional support in these situations, when she clearly does.” ~ NanoPsyBorg
“That was my thought as well.”
“Nina may not have wanted to go in the first place.”
“Especially if she’d been informed ahead of time that the venue wasn’t scent-free.”
“YTA. With some extra AH for OP‘s stepdad for telling an autistic kid to ‘shut up.'” ~ DeVitreousHumor
“At the very least she was showing discomfort by stimming (OP herself said this in the post).”
“Verbally stimming is a way for OP’s daughter to communicate but what does it teach her daughter when her mom just blatantly ignores her attempts to communicate? YTA OP.” ~ usernameandsomeno
“This is such an important point to make.”
“The daughter was clearly communicating her discomfort, which OP allowed to evolve into distress.”
“No one wants to hear a kid having a melt down during a wedding ceremony.”
“And I bet OPs daughter didn’t want to be having one then either.”
“Really poor form, OP.” ~ cat_like_sparky
“I have worked with a number of kids with autism over the years and there is definitely ‘occupying myself’ stimming and ‘about to freak out’ stimming.”
“It can change from one to the other in the blink of an eye.”
“A kid who was harmlessly playing with something at their desk a minute ago can be on the verge of a meltdown before you recognize their behavior as a stress response.”
“When Nina started stimming, it was on OP to take her outside before she got more intense.”
“I do find it difficult to believe that a mother would not recognize when her child was in distress.”
“Especially since stimming behavior tends to be something the child does fairly often.”
“A lot of kids will have a few specific behaviors that they come back to.”
“Not all kids stim the same way and I would think a parent would recognize the difference between boredom and stress.” ~ sinead116
“Also, OP trots out the old ‘child with autism’ megaslur so popular with the loathsome Autism Speaks crowd.”
“You know, the ones who think autism is the enemy, the child is basically a lump of flesh, and the real victims are the poor, poor parents.”
“She’s an autistic child, OP, not a child ‘with autism.'”
“Autism is part of her personality, part of her soul, not an unfortunate disability she has on top of her selfhood.”
“Think of her that way and you’ll understand why using your sister’s wedding to teach and train your daughter was so wrong – wrong for your daughter as much as for your sister.”
“You put your daughter in a terrible, uncomfortable, untenable situation in order to coerce her into acting neurotypical.”
“And when your cunning plan didn’t work you acted like your sister’s marriage existed for your training and teaching purposes.”
“That was prime ‘my daughter’s autism is all about me’ self-absorption.”
“”Look at me! Mom of child with autism! Praise me! Pity me!”
“The world exists for me to show off what a great parent I am!!!” ~ Basic_Bichette
“I am an autistic adult.”
“Because I’m an adult (and thankfully don’t have to navigate verbal stims that frustrate others) I can remove myself from situations that overwhelm me.”
“But as a parent it’s OP’s job to remove Nina and calm her down.”
“Just like if Nina were an infant crying in a movie theater it would be OP’s job.”
“Or if Nina were a 10 year old misbehaving in an opera.”
“Or I don’t know… ANY OTHER SITUATION PARENTS WITH NT CHILDREN ALSO FACE AND REMOVE THEIR KIDS FROM!!!”
“OP disrespected Abbie so badly.” ~ worthmycolors
“As a parent with a child with autism the same age as OP, I 100% agree.”
“In a case like this we would have found someone to spend the day with.”
“At my dad’s funeral last year we hired someone who was able to take him out and walk around with him to ensure his safety during the funeral and the reception.”
“There were lots of options available.” ~ MamaBearSewVay
“Agreed. My 16 year old is very similar.”
“Our families have always wanted to include him but we always sit where we can make an easy escape in case he starts to have a hard time.”
“By the time these kids are older we know that certain smells, lights, sounds, etc… can be really upsetting to them.”
“You need to be prepared.” ~ SnooJokes7657
“Mother of an Autistic 10-year-old.”
“You should have taken her out.”
“Something obviously was triggering her and you did not address it.”
“You ended up contributing to her discomfort and making her out to be the villain.”
“I understand that we have to help build our kid’s endurance for discomfort.”
“But someone’s wedding is not the time to do it. YTA.” ~ Admirable_Moose_9927
“This. My son has sensory issues and inattentive.”
“The second he’s in distress my husband or I remove him from the situation.”
“Every. Single. Time. YTA OP. Not just to your sister. But to Nina.” ~ Fearless_Act_3698
“You also should have found out why she was stimming if possible – the meltdown may have been avoided if the trigger was removed or Nina removed from the trigger.”
“This was both bad for the wedding and the child.” ~ frustratedfren
“I’m going to get downvoted for this, but yes soft YTA.”
“If you knew you would not be able to keep your daughter quiet.”
“Why not just skip the ceremony and join the reception afterwards?”
“It doesn’t sound like Nina would have enjoyed the ceremony no matter what.”
“And you knew she might disrupt; so why do it?”
“You owe your family a polite apology for the disruption.”
“You knew it was a risk, and you did it anyways.” ~ Unhappy-Day-9731
“Yes, YTA. When your daughter started ‘stim[ming] verbally,’ you should have taken her out.”
“Your daughter may not be able to ‘help the way that she is,’ and her limitations are unfortunate.”
“But your sister’s wedding is not the time or the place to allow her to make a scene.” ~ He_Who_Is_Right_
Well OP, it feels Reddit may have a few problems with your choices here.
There is always a lot of learning when it comes to parenting.
A sit down with your family maybe in order.