In a since-deleted post, Redditor No_Explanation_107 explains that they will not take down a picture despite it containing their son's deadname.
The Original Poster (OP) explains that the photo is significant because it is of her son, herself, and her late husband.
The OP's late husband had their son's deadname tattooed on his arm and passed away before he began to transition.
The tattoo of their deadname understandably triggers the OP's son, but this is one of the few photos of the three of them.
The OP turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) to get feedback on their decision.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to take down a picture that has my son's deadname?"
She went on to explain:
"I [42-year-old Female] have a son Ben [19-year-old Male] with my husband Tom. Ben was born a girl and realized by 16 that he wanted to transition from [Female to Male]."
"Tom and I weren't initially supportive, and I took longer to come around. I only did so after Tom passed in an accident, and I realized how distant my relationship with Ben was."
"When Ben was born, Tom got a tattoo of our then daughter's name on his arm..."
"...and we have a lovely picture together of me, Tom and Ben (at a few months old) at the beach where Tom's tattoo is visible."
"Ben doesn't like me to keep picture up of him past when he was a kid or older and still female presenting, so I only have pictures out in the house of him as a toddler or an adult now."
"The only picture that I have not agreed to take down is the one of us at the beach."
"I really like that one and Ben's only issue is the tattoo but for me it's one of my happiest memories that day and I don't want to take it down."
"Ben is very upset about me keeping that picture up and says I'm being cruel as it reminds him of his deadname."
"ETA- Tom passed when Ben was still female presenting so the only photo I have of us three that Ben likes (well used to like) is the one at the beach..."
"...where Ben is a lot younger and wearing a gender-neutral outfit."
"Also the photo is up in the hallway portion just outside my bedroom, which is not anywhere near Ben's room and will not be seen by houseguests unless they come in my room."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"Probably controversial, but NTA. This is a picture of your family at one of its happiest moments. Your husband is deceased, and that picture reminds you of happier times."
"You have rid the house of all other pictures of your son, except this one. Time for Ben to compromise." - New-Comment2668
"Usually when I see the title of posts like this I immediately feel that the OP would be TA, but after reading through I need to say NTA."
"It very well could be that the pain of the initial rejection of transition is what's motivating the anger of OPs child, that and the trauma of losing their father."
"Keeping that one photo up that was a precious memory is allowed, especially if OP is finally taking accountability and is finally taking the responsibility..."
"...to make adjustments to suit their son (removing majority of photos etc)."
"I'll never pretend to understand what a trans person experiences, especially in the vulnerable stages of the initial transitioning and the need for support/acceptance/validation..."
"...and in the same breath I can't put myself in the shoes of a parent who is experiencing their child changing before their eyes."
"I feel like both sides of the coin come with a lot of grief, mourning, confusion, and a whole range of emotions that are best explored in a safe space..."
"...such as a therapist who has experience with trans people."
"Bottom line, I feel OP is allowed to keep that one photo - but until both them and their son work through their grief and come to an understanding..."
"...a compromise may be wise where said photo is kept in OPs bedroom and not in shared living areas of the house." - spookobsessedscot
"NAH"
"He's allowed to not like it and you're allowed to like it. "
"Consider that it may be a reminder that his father was not supportive of his gender and that he did not feel safe transitioning while his father was alive."
"His father never got to see him truly being himself. That's pretty painful. To not have any photos of himself and his dad that aren't painful."
"That all your happiest memories will, of course, be of when your husband was still alive and are of times when he was suffering."
"Can you take the photo to a photo restoration expert and see about getting a version made where the tattoo is removed?"
"It's not difficult to do and does no damage to the original, which you can still keep while hanging a restored version."
"Or, idk, cut a piece of post-it note over the tattoo so you can keep the photo, but Ben doesn't have to look at his deadname when he looks at it?"
"Can you do something to help strengthen Ben's connection to and memory of his father in different ways? I imagine there's a lot of complicated feelings there." - RainahReddit
"I'm going to say NAH but in a more gentle way. I'm trans (ftm) and I know how painful it can be to see things like that. Especially if Ben is trying to be stealthy in his day-to-day life."
"If he doesn't want anyone new that he meets (that he isn't intimate with/dating) to know he's trans, something like that photo can ruin everything."
"That said, I'm still going with NAH. If the photo is as off to the side as you say it is, it's fine that you have it up. It's a photo you want to keep up to remember your husband and your family together."
"My only suggestion, if you truly want to keep the peace, is to maybe have the photo digitally altered so the tattoo is removed."
"I'm not saying it's something you have to or should do. It's just a suggestion, if it's possible." - Achaion34
"NTA."
"Whether Ben likes it or not he can't erase his past and it's cruel that he demands that you erase all your memories as a family because he doesn't like how he was born."
"I might be bit cold but that's his problem, not yours." - DivineJerziboss
"I'm going with NTA. Not sure if Ben still lives with you or not but regardless it's your place, your memories."
"My parents have pics of me and my brothers that we really don't like but, I'm not going to tell my mom what she can and cannot put up in her own house."
"If you want to compromise more, maybe when Ben comes to visit to take it down?!?" - Mountain-Play-3493
"NTA. This is the kind of bullsh*t that makes older LGBT people roll their eyes."
"This kid has the most supportive parents ever by the standards of most of us who dealt with much, much worse from our families in the past..."
"...but a tattoo in a picture on their dead father that the father got honoring them as a sign of affection for them is some kind of terrible oppression." - Santos_L_Halper_II
"NAH - Ben is still young enough that the memories of how it felt to be pre-transition are probably still really fresh..."
"...and it can feel hard to get away from that feeling of being trapped and helpless when there are still even trivial reminders lying around."
"Plus, if you've talked about this photo a lot together, it probably is starting to feel really outsize and hyper-important to him"
"It's easy to not-think-about a picture that you hate, if nobody in the family has mentioned it in ages and it's just the background noise of the house..."
"...but when it's become a pitched battlefield, it's harder to just work around."
"If you put it in a drawer for a year, until he's more secure in your support of him, and feels like he's more distant from his pre-transition life, it'll do a whole world of good."
"But you're also not being TA- If this is the only photo that you have of your husband, there's no photos of him with the tattoo covered, or with you but without Ben..."
"...it's also totally understandable that you'd want to display it." - GlitteringBryony
"Older trans guy here. NTA."
"I understand what your son feels like when he sees his deadname (it irks me too when I see mine, which I find annoying because I swore I wouldn't care)..."
"...but as you said, it's not even in a place where he's going to see it unless he goes out of his way to."
"It is important for him that is identity is accepted, and it seems to be the case even if you needed a longer moment to come around, it happens."
"If you haven't already tried, maybe explain to him that it's not about his deadname. It's about his father and the memories you have together."
"If he can't see it, maybe with time and with his transition progressing, he'll be a little more open to conversation?"
"I really feel like your son could/should let this one go."
"I'm really sorry about your husband." - SuddenYolk
Not a simple answer on this one.
Clearly, there is a lot of love in this family, and we hope they can find some resolution.
What do you do you think? Let us know in the comments below.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp