A parent raising twin babies can delight in the playful nature of the situation, but it doesn't mean raising them is not always without a unique set of challenges.
The mother of identical twin baby daughters who is aiming to raise her girls to respect their individualities was recently challenged by her mom.
When an upcoming event became the topic of tension between the two, she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Admirable_Slide_8865 asked:
"AITA for refusing to dress my twins identically for the family picture?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm the Mother of 1 year old identical twin girls, I have never liked the idea of dressing them identically because while they are twins they aren't the same child, so whenever i'm given matching outfits I mix and match them to make them look different or rotate who wears what."
"I've always felt it's important they be allowed their own sense of self and not have 'Twin' pushed on the as a major part of their identity."
"Family pictures are coming up soon for my Great-Grandmothers 80th Birthday, we want to commemorate this with pictures and my Mother has booked professional photographs for this."
"The dress code is formal, i've bought one daughter a sparkly purple dress she is like a little magpie anything sparkly and she is all over it, my other daughter i've bought a green dress with flowers on it as she loves flowers. I plan to do one daughters hair in pigtails and the other will have a hairband."
The OP continued:
"My Mother called me and asked me to dress them alike as it will look cute for the picture, I told her she knows how I feel about that and that we won't be doing that, I told her i'd even bought dresses already."
"She offered to buy them new matching dresses but I refused. She told me I was being ridiculous and it was only one picture and wouldn't kill them, when I asked if she'd bought my brothers daughters who are 11 and 7 matching dresses she said no, why would she do that which led to me asking her why my children should dress alike then which of course the answer was them being identical twins."
"This led to a rather heated conversation and I told my Mother that they are my daughters and it's my call, all she needs to be concerned about is them being presentable and matching the dress code."
"She told me I am being selfish here and it won't matter, pointing out how lots of twins like to dress alike. I told her that if they wished to dress alike one day i'd not stop them but till then this is what I was doing."
Another family member joined the conversation, adding more pressure to the situation.
"My brother has since called me and asked me to just do it, that our Mother is stressed out and how I can change the girls out of it after the picture and that it's only a picture and it'd keep the peace."
"I know it's only a picture but it just sits wrong with me, is it really a**holeish of me to not bend on this?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA - The kids are yours and ultimately their clothing choices are yours. If your Mom wants a photo shoot, she has to negotiate with you regarding how the kids are dressed. You have laid out your limits, and she can either agree or not have photos of the kids done. Those are her options."
"I'm glad you are not really indulging the twin thing. There have been some really sad and troubling posts here about families that went way too far on it." – DisgruntleFairy
"I worked in the community for years, specifically a retirement home comes to mind — identical twins. Lived in the community together, dressed the same, same hair, same walker, everything. It honestly made me uncomfortable. They never got married because ….. they had each other. It was honestly really sad to me, though I'm sure they were happy or at least thought they were."
"Also worked in a daycare that, no joke, had six sets of multiple (four twins, two triplets) two of the twin sets were identical. One set always dressed alike. The older set, who had different interests did not."
"We knew which twin was ours of the older set by his behavior though. Because even at three they tried to switch places on us more than once."
"All that to say, they ARE individuals. I love that OP realizes that. Not all twin parents do."
"NTA OP." – Safe_Initiative1340
"NTA. Does your mom not see the irony of calling you selfish. You're not the one demanding you get your way for her precious picture. And doing something your against to 'keep the peace' is complete b.s."
"They're your children, so what you say goes. They're two different individuals, who happen to be identical twins. If she wants you and your children in the picture, she needs to drop this." – Vandreeson
"NTA and thank you! As a twin myself, I can say that finding a sense of individual identity is so important, and I really struggled with adults making myself and my sister feel interchangeable."
"It was really difficult on days that we were dressed in matching clothes. Sometimes my mom gave us matching clothes in different colors, which was an okay compromise—but we always preferred different outfits entirely. Thanks for supporting your daughters!" – Agatha-Christie12
"Good on you for treating them as two separate individuals who happen to share a birthday. Your mother's views on twins is what causes problems, where they're seen as two parts of the same unit instead of their own people."
"Your brother doing the whole don't rock the boat spiel shows he's more interested in appeasing your mother than respecting your parenting. If you capitulate over this then your mother literally has photographic evidence to pressure you again." – lemon_charlie
"Buy the same 2 or 3 outfits in multiple colors. They can mix and match the colors, so they won't match exactly, but they'll be dressed similarly. I only have singles, but with each kid, I bought 5 of the same outfit in different colors, so I never needed to worry about outfits being properly matched."
"It makes life and laundry easy. As they grow up and express preferences, the pool of clothing becomes 2 separate wardrobes. You're NTA for wanting your kids to be 2 kids and not 'the twins' " – notpostingmyrealname
"NTA."
"So, it's NOT a big deal, it's only for one photo so you should just go along with it, and it IS a big deal because mom is 'stressed' and therefore you should go against your express choices as a parent. Got it. Good thing that the family is being logical and consistent.' " –
CandylandCanada
"nta as a twin thank you. My mum thought it was cute to dress her twins alike and it ended up with one of us being the thin and pretty twin and the other being 'the other twin' i was always made to feel like the one that was never good enough or loved the same."
"We were always 'the twins' and yeah please keep raising them like they are unique different people." – Kattiaria
"That this is an issue speaks a lot about your mom and your brother. That this is a conversation at all, given you've told them (and apparently re-iterated multiple times) that the 'dressing the twins alike' thing is a non starter, pretty clearly conveys that they view these kids as dolls, not children (or humans). Thats pretty gross actually."
"NTA."
"propose that you and your brother wear identical dresses and hairstyles." – SoImaRedditUserNow
"NTA: They are your children and you should advocate for their individuality. You did the right thing by putting your foot down."
"If you were looking for a potential compromise, the girls could wear the same colour palette but different dresses, shoes, accessories, hairstyles, etc. They would look complementary without being identical. But don't feel obligated to accommodate her." – Impossible_Rain_4727
Later in the thread, the OP explained why she thought it was important to establish her daughters' identities.
"I went to school with a pair of twin boys and it always made me uncomfortable to see them being forced to dress alike down to having the same haircut so when I had twins I remembered them and it shaped my decision," she said in response to a commenter who said some parents have gone too far in exploiting their twin children.
Hopefully, the OP's mother will stop putting the pressure on and respect her daughter's wishes stemming from a goal to make her twins feel they can claim their individuality without always being categorized as part of a package deal.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp