Matching outfits are something people often do for photos or special events. But what if the chosen outfits are dictated by outdated binary gender roles?
Is it selfish for children, especially adult children, to exert their independence?
A daughter turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a disagreement with her mother.
Plastic_Carpenter465 asked:
"AITA for telling my mom that I don’t want to wear a dress for Mother’s Day?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (19, female) just had a conversation about Mother’s Day with my mom. She told me that she found the family outfits to wear for Mother’s Day."
"And I thought that it would be cute to all dress up together and go out. So she shows me the outfits and not only is it a little girl on the front picture, she’s in a dress."
"It was a picture on Amazon or something with a family outfit and there was a little girl wearing a dress in the picture."
"I for one, do not like wearing dresses. They make me uncomfortable and I don’t like how they feel. I only wear them for special occasions and formal events if it’s required."
"I asked her if I can find an outfit that matches the ones that she found that isn’t a dress. She tells me that I’m selfish for not wanting to wear a dress."
"I’ve had these types of problems with her before, where she would talk about how she doesn’t like how I do my hair and that she LET me do my hair the way I did. I just don’t understand how me not wanting to wear a dress for Mother’s Day makes me selfish."
"We never take professional photos so that's not why she wanted me to wear the dress. All I know is that we were going out for dinner. We never do anything big for Mother’s Day."
"I do have a job and I am going to college. My financial aid is covering everything and the money that my parents did spend for tuition, they got back in a refund check from the college."
"I have a plan to move out, but that won’t happen until sometime next year."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"When she told me about the outfits, I thought that they were cute and liked the idea of the family matching together. I told her that they were cute, but I didn’t want to wear a dress."
"I think that I might actually be being selfish because I’m not doing this simple thing for her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Love when Mother's Day is weaponized for emotional leverage. 'If you loved me, you wouldn't be so selfish and just wear the dress.' Sounds like a pattern."
"You're 19. You didn't even turn down the whole 'matchy' idea outright, just asked for a variation. Sounds like she still wants you to be a child, and that's not your problem." ~ numbahibbage
"NTA. To be frank I don't understand the need for you to wear a dress or for outfits to match. That reads very much like your mom just wants pictures for social media." ~ creatively_inclined
"I stopped choosing what my kids wore pretty much as soon as they were able to express a preference. The idea of adult children dressing to please me is baffling. I'm just glad to see them and spend time with them."
"Please tell your mum her request is unreasonable and makes you feel uncomfortable. If she isn't prepared to explore this with you and understand you better maybe you shouldn't attend?"
"Though I understand that might be difficult. Families can be hard. Look after yourself and keep being true to you." ~ Proud-Salamander761
"Hell, I even let my 2yo pick his outfits, within reason. I give him shirt options, he picks the one he wants, usually saying the color or character (if he knows it). I pick out a pair of pants or shorts then I ask him what sweater he'd like."
"He often goes to daycare the world's most clashing colors, which drives my wife crazy, but I'm always liked hey. He's happy, and we're giving him just a little bit of self expression." ~ R4eth
"My daughter is 4 and my only concern with her clothes is that they are temperature appropriate. If it's 30 degrees, the short sleeves and shorts are a no-go."
"Other than that, wear what you want, kid. I can't imagine trying to dictate her apparel 15 years from now. It doesn't matter if I like what she wears, they're her clothes on her body." ~ ohlookanugget
"I don’t think I even made it to two with my oldest before she had… opinions! For a little while I got away with giving her choices, but after a couple months if we were staying home, I just let her pick."
"She came up with some cute combos that never would occur to me. My son on the other hand was content to let me pick his clothes until I made him get dressed himself." ~ myssi24
"NTA. I had the same kind of mom. Stand your ground, this isn’t about you at all but about her and her need to have control." ~ OverMlMs
"Mom sees OP as a doll for her to dress up and style her hair as she wants and she's pissed the doll is being uncooperative." ~ LissaBryan
"I’m sorry you’re getting this from your mom. Sounds like she’s kind of missing the point. Mother’s Day is about her but it shouldn’t be about you having to wear something you’re uncomfortable in to prove your love to her. NTA." ~ TresWhat
"NTA, she's being selfish for wanting you to be uncomfortable for her benefit." ~ tictactabernac
"NTA for telling your mom that you don't want to wear a dress for mothers day. Dresses can be for such occasions, but they are not required. Most people wear something they are comfortable with and can find a non-dress equivalent." ~ Popular-Candle3249
"NTA—this is very strange. I cannot imagine telling my 19 year old what to wear for Mother’s Day let alone pick matching outfits for us." ~ yourlytriedit
"NTA you are legally an adult. I would just tell her you will not be wearing a dress and if she can not abide by your boundary than you will not be particpating in any mother day activites." ~ plaid_8241
"NTA. By your mother’s own reasoning, she’s being selfish by wanting you to wear something she knows you’re not comfortable in." ~ TerribleTradition271
"Mom of a 17 yr old here. The only thing I would ask is for my kid to wear something nice so we could get pictures and enjoy a nice restaurant. I don’t need to control his choices, just give him guidelines."
"Your mom hasn’t figured out that her role in your life has transitioned to coach, not dictator. If she doesn’t figure that out fast shes going to cause irreparable damage to your relationship."
"Words for you 'Mom, I love you and I want to celebrate you. However, I am too old for you to choose my clothes for me. It is not selfish for me to make my own choices.' If she can’t recognize you are capable of being independent then its time to stop participating in family events with her."
"The hardest part is if you have to rely on your parents for housing and financial support for the near future, you will have to decide how much you can push back and still be safe in your home. Best of luck." ~ hey_nonny_mooses
"NTA, but you’re probably going to have to have hard conversations with her soon. I have found that there are certain types of parents that’s feel like they 'own' their children and can dictate all their decisions."
"Wearing something that fits her theme but is still something you’re comfortable in is not a selfish decision. Mother’s Day doesn’t mean that everyone has to be uncomfortable because you’re celebrating her. Just because you’re her daughter, it doesn’t make you her property." ~ Ivy7424
"NTA. My mom was constantly trying to get me in frilly dresses. I hated it. Rebelled constantly. You're an adult. Wear what you want."
"Tell your mom that if she wants you to be on theme she'll find an on theme outfit for you that includes pants, otherwise you will show up in whatever you want, but you're not wearing the dress. Let her have a meltdown. Just ignore it and keep your boundary." ~ kisskissenby
"You're not being selfish, she is because she's trying to control you. She needs to accept that you are a separate person with your own taste and not an extension of her. Stand firm. NTA." ~ Ohpoohonyou
OP is old enough to make her own wardrobe choices.
There's a difference between asserting a person's individuality and being selfish.
Sounds like mom needs help figuring that out.
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