When parents divorce and remarry, their children can gain new family members.
But a relationship with a parent isn't a guarantee of a relationship with their child—especially if the child is an adult when their parent remarries.
Probably the worst thing a new person in the family can do to get closer to their spouse's child is try to force a relationship.
A young woman dealing with a pushy stepmother turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Altruistic-Corgi-976 asked:
"AITAH for telling my dad's wife she's not my bonus mom after I only brought mom wedding dress shopping with me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (26, female) am an only child. My parents divorced my senior year of high school."
"By the time I graduated, my dad started dating his second wife. I'd met her once before. He told me he was bringing her and I was like okay, fine."
"She showed up way overdressed and attempted to overtake the whole thing. She tried to interfere in the photos I had taken, she tried to push my mom away from me in any group photos taken, and it took me telling my dad that if he didn't stop her they could just go home and not come to the party."
"A few times she even tried to unlink mine and mom's arms and take mom's place next to me."
"She apologized to me a few days later, but mom later admitted dad's wife called and boasted about how much nicer her and dad's photos with me would look because I had two parents in them instead of one."
"She also tried to boast that I took more with her than mom. But that wasn't true and I didn't actually print any of the photos with her in them because she pissed me off so bad."
"After the whole situation, every time I saw my dad's wife, who became his wife a year after my graduation, she was overly nice to me and would get super eager to spend time with me whenever I mentioned I was going back to mom's."
"I stayed with mom when I was home for the holidays. She was always looking to spend time with me instead."
"I know from one of dad's friends that his wife always looks for everyone to insult my mom. It's just so petty. She started calling herself my bonus mom and me her bonus daughter."
"I corrected her once or twice, but then I just started spending less time with her. As a result, my relationship with my dad has suffered."
"Recently, I went wedding dress shopping with my mom and when dad's wife found out she got super upset I went with mom and not her. She asked me why I didn't want her to go and that's what bonus moms are for."
"I told her she's not my bonus mom and she never was. She's my dad's second wife and is no kind of mother figure to me and she never will be with the way she treats my actual mother."
"My dad told me I took it too far and should apologize because even if she's been b*tchy to my mom, she's been super welcoming to me. I told him that doesn't matter because she needs to know her place and it's not as someone I care for."
"And that the more she tries to force her way in and push my mom out or outshine my mom, the worse she looks to me."
"He insisted that I could still have been a lot nicer."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I was already 18 when I met her and never lived with her, so technically I was a grown-up."
"As for why she's like this? I don't really know, other than she seems jealous that she's the second wife."
"She tries to cling to this younger wife thing, but she's 3 years younger than dad and only a year younger than my mom. That's something others have pointed out to her. Including some of my dad's friends."
"Honestly, I have some soul searching to do after all of this. Dad won't come to my wedding without her, but she's so annoying and inserts herself way too much for my liking."
"He does cosign her BS. That really disappoints me, because mom might be his ex, but I'm his daughter and she's still my mom regardless of their relationship status."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
"So you were almost a grown-up when she came into the picture, and she just thinks she can magically swoop in and take on a motherly role in your life? Your dad's wife has a serious case of delulu, and I don't blame you for pulling back."
"She sounds like she tries to replace your mom in every way she can.... makes you wonder why she acts like your mom is such a threat to her."
"It is too bad that your relationship with your dad suffers from this - but honestly, that is on him and not you. If he is fine with his wife being overly pushy (and kinda creepy), that is the consequences he will have to live with." ~ Barsk-Brunkage
"NTA - even if she was a saint to you and your mom, you still don't need to feel comfortable with her being your bonus mom. She didn't raise you and has seemingly done nothing motherly with you."
"But are you going to invite her to the wedding because she's going to pull the same things she did at the graduation. This is going to be a thing at every event." ~ SillyMoose22
"If your dad would miss your wedding because his wife can't behave, then let him. His loss. If he can't see how inappropriate she is, then maybe he doesn't need to come." ~ Nadja-19
"Respond to your dad with ' being b*tchy to mum is being b*tchy to me full stop, if you want to spend your life with someone like that fine but that means less time with me in your life, because she is b*tchy and manipulative towards me and ruins events with her selfishness, and that is not welcoming or loving'." ~ Selfpsycho
"NTA - Dad's wife is a petty, insecure woman. I would stay far away from her. And if that means not seeing your dad much, then so be it. Clearly, he cosigns her BS." ~ AdWrong416
"Tell your dad you'll treat her exactly as nicely as she treats your mom." ~ whitelancer64
"100% this! Why should you respect your dad's wife if she's not respectful to the people that you love? The fact that she's treating the mom like this shows how much she doesn't respect or care about OP either, regardless of what dad's wife might say." ~ BenzeneRing223
"NTA. She reeks of insecurity, she's so desperate to overshadow your mom at all costs."
"Your dad needs to talk to her and address this continuously desperate behaviour from her if he wants to remain an involved parent in your life. This is vital he does this before she attempts to hijack your wedding." ~ tigerz0973
"NTA. You also need to tell your dad that his wife can only attend the wedding as a guest, she will have zero role in the wedding, she will not appear in wedding photos, she will not get any special moments, recognitions, dances, speeches, etc....—and if she pulls any sh*t, she will be escorted from the wedding."
"Get ahead of it now, and be prepared for him to tell you that he may not be there at the wedding." ~ NYCStoryteller
"NTA, at all, and the ship has sailed for 'niceness' from your end. If she was just enthusiastic to spend time with you it would be one thing. That is not the case at all."
"She constantly insults your mother and tries to sideline her. She badtalks her behind her back and is a bitch to her to her face. You are 100% right that the worse she is to your mother, the worse she looks to you, and I don't see how this grown a** adult can't understand that."
"Your father is also sh*tty because he should have shut that down immediately. She was trying and still is trying to alienate you from your own mother. He doesn't have to love your mother anymore to realise that his wife is in the wrong here."
"She DOES need to know her place, and if your father won't gently remind her of it, then you have all rights to harshly do so, especially since you shouldn't even need to mention something like this to her in the first place because, quite frankly, the woman knows what she is doing."
"She just comes across as selfish, jealous, and insecure." ~ violetlotus79
As the OP noted, they have some decisions to make about their wedding day.
Hopefully, their father does some reflection as well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp