Countless girls dream of one day being a bride.
When that day finally comes, one of the first things that they tend to want taken care of is what they’ll wear.
Indeed, some brides-to-be look forward to wedding dress shopping as much or more as their actual wedding.
What always tends to pull a cloud over these celebrations, however, is that other friends or family members tend to have an opinion of what they should wear on their big day.
Some even have more clearly defined expectations.
Redditor Super-Bat-7889 was very budget-conscious about her upcoming wedding.
Luckily for the original poster (OP), she managed to find a wedding dress that she absolutely adored that wouldn’t cost her a cent.
Unfortunately, her excitement over this dress sent her mother into a tizzy.
Unsure of what to do, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for wearing my MIL’s old wedding dress instead of my own mothers.”
The OP explained why her choice of wedding dress did not sit well with her mother:
“I (28 F[emale]), am getting married to my fiancé (29 M[ale]), in March.”
“When we first got engaged, my fiancé and I decided that we would pay for the wedding completely.”
“Since I wanted to save some money, I decided to wear a second hand wedding dress.”
“I was having a lot of trouble finding a wedding dress that I wanted to wear in my price range, so I decided to wear my mother’s old wedding dress.”
“On a phone call, my fiancé mentioned to his mother that I had struggled to find a dress, she suggested that I take a look at her old one.”
“I didn’t take the suggestion seriously at first but decided that I should take a look anyways.”
“The dress was absolutely gorgeous.”
‘My fiancé’s family has a significant amount of money, and the dress perfectly fits the whole ‘old money wedding’ aesthetic, it’s also excellent quality and was probably very expensive to buy.”
“My future mother-in-law [MIL] insisted I take the dress for free since she’s never going to use it again.”
“I was ecstatic and immediately called my mom to share the good news.”
“I expected her to be happy that I had found a beautiful dress while also saving money.”
“Instead, she was furious.”
“She feels insulted that I chose my future MIL’s dress over hers and accused me of using her dress as a ‘backup’ until I found something better.”
“She’s upset that I would allow my MIL to provide such a sentimental and important item, rather than having it come from her.”
“It was never my intention to offend my mother in any way I simply fell in love with my future MIL’s dress.”
“My dad thinks it would make everyone’s lives easier if I simply apologize to my mom and wear her dress.”
“I’m also now worried that my mother may try to retaliate in some way, and I certainly don’t want to ruin the friendship that she has with my future MIL.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for choosing to wear her MIL’s wedding dress.
Most agreed that while there was nothing wrong with the OP deciding to wear her MIL’s wedding dress, they nonetheless understood why her mother would be hurt, with some even expressing that the OP could have handled this a bit more delicately:
“Oof, that’s a rough one.”
“NAH. MIL is allowed to offer, you’re allowed to accept, your mom’s feelings are allowed to be hurt.”
“Keep in mind that wearing your mom’s wedding dress is often more about honoring her than liking the look of the dress.”
“I don’t blame you for picking the pretty one at all! But try to understand why your mom’s feeling slighted.”
“Is there another way you could honor her?”
“Wearing her veil, having her do a reading at the ceremony, something like that?”- scrollgirl24
“NAH, you can wear what you want to your wedding but you shouldn’t have told your mom you were going to wear her dress if you weren’t committed, which was likely an emotional moment for her.”
“Changing your mind probably hurt her feelings, especially if you framed it the way you do in this post ‘I don’t want your dress anymore mom, I found a beautiful, gorgeous, more expensive one from MIL instead’.”- Pristine-Rhubarb7294
“NTA but maybe you didn’t handle situation in the most sensitive way.”
“Your mom was probably thrilled that you wanted to wear her dress, and then when you chose someone else’s over hers, that probably felt like a major rejection to her.”
“Even if that’s not how you meant to make her feel.”- BalloonHero142
“NTA for doing it, but for the way you handled it.”
“‘Hey mom, can I wear your wedding dress?'”
“‘Of course'”.
“Sentimental and bonding moment for her.”
“‘Nevermind mom! Don’t need your old dress, I got rich people sh*t now from my newer, richer mom!'”
“That’s not how you worded it, but I’d wager how your mom sees it.”
“She probably feels replaced by somebody she can never live up to.”
“As others have suggested, wear hers to the rehearsal or reception and the fancy one for the actual wedding.”- Drakkulis
“NAH.”
“At the end of the day, it’s your wedding, and you should wear the dress you want to wear and that you feel prettiest in.”
“But I also see your mum’s POV where it could be hurtful to not wear her dress, like you’re turning your back on your family in favor of your fiancé’s, or that you think your MIL is better than your mum.”
“Not saying you do think that, but I can see how your mum might have taken it that way.”
“Wearing an heirloom dress means something.”- ItsAWitchThing1
“I agree, NAH.”
“When you’ve found your dress, you know it.”
“You thought you knew you were wearing your mother’s dress, and then you found YOUR dress when your MIL gifted hers to you.”
“However, your mom probably felt really special when you asked to wear her dress, she probably bragged about it to everyone she knows, and hearing how over the moon you were about your MILs dress.”
“That’s gotta hurt.”
“She probably feels embarrassed.”
“She probably feels like you called her wedding dress ‘ugly’ and ‘not good enough’.”
“You obviously didn’t intend to make her feel that way, but those feelings are valid too.”
“I say wear the dress you want, but find a way to compromise with mom.”
“Maybe you could wear her veil, or her shoes, or a set of her jewelry.”
“Maybe you and her can get matching bracelets to wear to your wedding as your ‘something new’.”
“I think there are still a lot of ways to make mom feel just as special and included while also recognizing that you accidentally hurt her feelings when you accepted your MILs dress.”-AwardBoring4724
There were some, however, who felt that not only was the OP being insensitive towards her mother, but that her behavior was also very superficial:
“YTA.”
“I was totally fine till you put in quotes the old money aesthetic.”
“You sound like a gold digger.”- Oskithefrostgiant
“‘…so I decided to wear my mother’s old wedding dress’.”
“‘My fiancés family has a significant amount of money, and the dress perfectly fits the whole “old money wedding” aesthetic, it’s also excellent quality and was probably very expensive to buy….'”
“‘I was ecstatic and immediately called my mom to share the good news….'”
“You might not have intended to be an AH, but you show 0 emotional intelligence.”
“Calling her ecstatic that you are discarding wearing her dress in favor of your wealthy MIL’s dress.”
“YTA.”- 89Rae
“YTA.”
“You were insensitive.”
“If you had already told your mother that her old dress was the one, you should have been aware that now changing your mind, especially for your MIL’s dress, would/could cause her a bit of hurt.”
“It’s as if you had no concept that there was any sentiment attached to your mother’s dress, her WEDDING dress.”
“What’s done is done.”
“Either simply explain to your MIL that you appreciate her offer, but your mother’s dress will be the one, or wear MIL’s dress and see how that goes.”
“LOL.”- hadMcDofordinner
“Very light YTA, because you were not choosing MIL over Mom, but you were completely insensitive.”
“You were only thinking about how you felt about MIL’s dress, not about how Mom felt about her own dress.”
“Mom made it a competition and made it like you were choosing the person instead of the dress; she needs to realize that her taste and yours are obviously WORLDS apart, and take a step back.”
“Even if you were to wear your mom’s dress now, she would know it was just a ‘pity wear’ and not the dress you really wanted.”
“Tell Dad that it would be a non-starter now.”- CuteYou676
“YTA and anyone saying otherwise is emotionally stunted, just like you!”- whothis2013
Ultimately, a bride should wear whatever will make them happy on their wedding day.
Even so, it’s a bit surprising that it didn’t occur to the OP that her mother would likely be less than celebratory upon learning her daughter chose to wear her mother-in-law’s wedding dress over her own.
The fact that the OP seemed to choose this dress because it looked more “expensive” also doesn’t leave her looking very good.
One can only hope she’ll be happy with whatever decision she makes.