Not everyone knows how to be "neighborly."
Keeping the peace can become a difficult process when specific issues arise.
Not every neighbor plays nice.
This type of behavior can breed a very stressful living environment.
Redditor carplast wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for trying to get my neighbors to not block my front door?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (32 F[emale]) live in NYC."
"I recently moved into a small building, three stories, 6 apartments in total."
"My apartment is a ground-floor unit."
"Since moving in, a neighbor (40 F and 40 M[ale]) has been storing their large stroller in front of my front door, which poses problems every time I have to come and go from my apartment."
"It is also against the fire code and explicitly forbidden in the building's leases."
"The stroller is there every day unless their kid (3 M) decides he doesn't want to walk."
"One day, when I heard them leaving it there, I introduced myself and politely said them leaving their stroller there was causing me issues, and it is against the city's fire code, and asked them to no longer keep their stroller in front of my front door."
"The 40 F neighbor gave me excuses that they live on the third floor, but the 40 M neighbor straight up raised his voice at me while I was holding my infant daughter."
"The woman said as a compromise she'd fold the stroller when leaving it in front of my door."
"As time went on, the stroller was never folded up and continued to block my door."
"As it is against the fire code and explicitly forbidden in the lease, I decided to reach out to property management for help resolving this issue."
"I just want to be able to safely come and go from my apartment."
"The day the property management enforced this on these neighbors, the 40 F neighbor rang my doorbell and proceeded to refuse to speak to me and called her mother."
"Her mother then berated me on speakerphone and said I should have spoken to them first, ignoring me when I said I did."
"She then kind of threatened me, saying I 'complained about the wrong people.'"
"I was stunned and couldn't believe this was happening."
"All I could muster was insisting it is against the fire code, and no one gets to break the fire code."
"I am baffled by this behavior."
"I found it a bizarre confrontation, and I didn't know adults could act this way."
"I've never had issues with neighbors before."
"I have a child younger than theirs and empathize with their situation, but their kid is massive and able to walk."
"They could just have an umbrella stroller, like I do."
"I just wanted access to my front door."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - Why didn't you just close your door on these AHs?"
"Just report them again for harassment to property management."
"Start videoing any interaction with them." ~ UnfortunateDaring
"NTA. Anytime they leave the stroller in front of your door, move it in front of the main entrance."
"Let the stroller become the issue of everyone in the building and this may elevate the issue into a proper and prompt resolution." ~ LoubyAnnoyed
"NTA, you need to report the interaction to property management since they basically retaliated against you for their own violation."
"Just report as needed, but do not answer the door for them again if possible, and tell them to take it up with either the city or the property management."
"I'd also look up the tenant laws for where you are and see what rights you have independent of what's written into the lease." ~ Sqweee173
"NTA, The getting mom on the phone tells you all you need to know about the maturity of a 40-year-old person." ~ waiting_for_letdown
"NTA. But I would consider telling the property manager you've been threatened."
"Of cousin that could escalate and make things worse."
"But you are being bullied."
"I'd try to get out of the lease and move." ~ EwwDavvidd
"NTA. Your neighbors are really entitled."
"No normal person would want to leave their property outside a stranger's door for days on end."
"Consider reporting them again to building management for the confrontation... this kind of behavior was completely uncalled for." ~ FauxeticVRC
"I'd stop quoting fire code, to be honest."
"Even if it wasn't against the code, blocking your door daily is just rude."
"I would tell them that as you've asked them to stop and they haven't, the next time it's in front of your door, you're putting it outside."
"And then do it." ~ Fresh_Caramel8148
"NTA. I thought maybe they lived next door and didn't have space inside."
"No, they live upstairs and don't take it up."
"I'd have put it on the street, it wouldn't be there long." ~ DastardlyCreepy
"NTA. I agree."
"The petty part of me would shove the stroller out the door, hoping it would disappear."
"If they knocked on the door again, I'd just ignore them and start recording if they escalated."
"Landlords don't like trouble, so neighbors are likely to get evicted if you report them again, though there's a risk that you could get evicted."
"Try to document things to protect yourself." ~ alicat0818
"Tell them that they'll be liable for the cost of treating your injuries and health care if you leave the house and trip over it."
"Take a picture."
"If there's an apartment manager report it to them via email so there is a paper trail that you've told them to move it."
"I did this with a neighbor who let their dog run rampant in the building despite rules to carry or leash dogs in all common areas."
"I told the building manager and neighbor that if I tripped and fell because the dog was running loose under my feet, I would hold them liable and sue the building, building manager, and neighbor for personal damages and health care costs."
"It stopped pretty quickly." ~ bevymartbc
"I think it's time to ask management if you can put in a video doorbell for your safety and peace of mind."
"If you can, play up the 'single mum/S[tay]-A[t]-H[ome]-M[om] with young child/baby' angle, and having the camera will help you feel safer knowing that there is proof/evidence if anything happens to either of you."
"If they still say no, then just get a camera with audio and place it on a bookshelf or hallway table close to the door where it can see and hear everything whenever that door is open."
"That way, you won't have to remember to record next time."
"You could also reach out to your local fire station about what options you have and what they can do to help because, ultimately, they will be the ones going in to save you in a fire, and it sounds like this couple won't listen until it's affecting them financially."
"You could even talk to your local police station and get your side on record just in case anything happens (or if they try to report you for harassment - if the fire marshall talks to them)." ~ Environmental_Art591
"I was thinking that OP can figure out a way to put a camera inside your apartment that points at the door - and whenever you answer the door, don't close it entirely in order to capture any problems."
"Them leaving the stroller in front of OP's front door is absolutely ridiculous."
"Especially since they have a baby of their own!!"
"They couldn't even do the bare minimum of folding the stroller."
"Somehow, the mom calling her mom to lecture seems about appropriate for their apparent maturity level." ~ UCgirl
"LOLOLOL! I'm sorry honey."
"I'm not laughing at you or an obviously frustrating situation."
"But the neighbor came to the door to have her mother confront you by phone?"
"Sometimes people are just so unbelievably ridiculous it just makes you laugh. NTA." ~ Aware_Welcome_8866
"NTA. Does this person think that the mother screaming over the phone keeps her safe?"
"Record everything and pass it on to management." ~ Micubano
"NTA! I personally would've thrown it in the trash." ~ Lil_lofts
"NTA. It's really not your problem that they have a huge stroller and don't want to carry it up."
"Blocking your door (and a lot of hallway space) is a no."
"Can't believe they won't even fold it up!" ~ rxchhxl
"NTA. Oooh, how scary."
"She got her Mommy to yell at you, what gutless, juvenile reaction."
"If they keep blocking your door, move it outside onto the front stoop." ~ Any-Split3724
"NTA. Don't even think about it."
"Each and every single time that stroller is in front of your door, take a picture and send it to property management along with the date and time."
"If/when they ring your doorbell, be prepared to record it BEFORE you open the door."
"Record the whole thing, and send it to property management."
"Involve the police and the court system."
"It is not your problem that they live on the third floor and don't want to take the stroller upstairs."
"Want to REALLY piss them off?"
"Put a For Sale sign on it, $75 - Or Best Offer." ~ AtlJazzy2024
"NTA. I'm so sorry you have to deal with these idiots."
"However, in NYC, this kind of situation is not that unusual." ~ gfdoctor
"NTA. I say this as someone living on the 4th floor, with no elevator, and with a baby."
"I bought a special stroller that could fold up and be placed out of the way and off the floor and in compliance with fire code and I fold it and put it away every time."
"I'll admit, carrying a stroller and baby up 3 flights of stairs is a bit much, but fire code is more important than convenience."
"They need to find a solution that is in compliance with the fire code and stick to it."
"Sounds like you found a solution but they're being selfish and lazy."
"They are never going to listen to reason, so just refuse contact and keep letting the landlord know about the fire code violation." ~ Numahistory
"NTA, although I'm baffled that you didn't just close the door."
"Also why didn't you report it the first time you found it there?"
"Against fire codes means if there's a fire it's a safety threat to your family."
"Never put up with BS that endangers you."
"Please be more assertive."
"You come across rather passive and meek here." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"NTA, but I would invest in a camera for your front door."
"You can also suggest to the property manager that they install a security camera and issue fines for each infraction."
"Paying a ticket each time they do that will get old real quick." ~ Little_Loki918
"Go through management now for everything, including as others have said, reporting threats."
"Every smartphone now has a voice recorder app on it."
"If you have to have another conversation with these people, have the app open and ON/Recording when you begin talking to them, and record everything they say." ~PickleManAtl
"NTA. People complain about passive aggression, but one round of this sort of interaction is exactly why people turn to solutions like 'posting it on freecycle' the next time they have a run-in with folks like this." ~ gringledoom
"NTA. How would you think you're the AH in this?"
"You politely asked, they refused/didn't follow up with their promises, and then you made management deal with it since apparently a personal request didn't work."
"You have an infant yourself, they logically should understand you know the struggle."
"But it's their choice to live on the 3rd floor." ~ VictoriousSeahorse
"Can't believe a woman of 40 called her mum to complain to you!!"
"That's hilarious!"
"Somebody didn't learn how to be an adult. NTA." ~ Scottishpurplesocks
"Call the Fire Marshall and not your management company next time."
"NY Fire Marshalls are basically firemen with law enforcement powers."
"They DO NOT f**k around and will make those a**holes regret the day they were born. NTA." ~ Fitz_2112b
"NTA. Next time put a sign on the stroller that says 'free to a good home' and see what the neighbors do."
"Or a sign that says '$50 or best offer,' and it should be gone in 10 minutes."
"Or being petty, would move it in front of their front door and engage the breaks so it's more difficult for them to move." ~ needabook55
"Have you got my neighbors?"
"They're also a couple in 40, who can't stop reproducing."
"They also live on the 3rd floor, keep their strollers on the ground floor, and both have very aggressive mothers."
"Once someone even shat into their stroller, but it didn't deter them from keeping it on the ground floor. 😆."
"My advice: don't initialize any interactions with; if it happens anyways, record it."
"NTA and f**k your neighbors." ~ unselectedcases
"NTA. People suck." ~ apothekryptic
OP came back with an Update...
"I appreciate the outside perspectives."
"I didn't think I was TA, but I do have hardcore people-pleasing tendencies, and it was very clear my actions hurt people's feelings, and it gave me self-doubt."
"The reason I engaged with the mother on the phone at all is bizarre, too; it's all just too weird, and I'm reeling a little, lol."
"The 40 F neighbor has an unusual way of speaking."
"I haven't been able to work out if it is an accent or what."
"When she put the mother on speaker phone, I had a sinking thought that maybe the 40 F neighbor is deaf and needs someone to talk for her, and I felt bad that maybe I'd made a deaf person feel victimized when they can't speak up for themselves????"
"But like she clearly wasn't deaf, her mother was just on speaker phone with no video, and she had zero issues following the conversation."
"Apart from this incident and the other shi**y neighbor stuff this woman and her man have pulled, they seem like normal functional adults."
"The man does not have an unusual way of speaking."
"I don't think her unusual way of speaking is really a factor in whether I'm TA, and I have been so eager to be polite and respectful."
"It became clear very quickly the phone call wasn't really about helping in communication, but just messy people expressing their anger as much as possible."
"But yeah, that's why I let the phone call happen. Messy."
Messy sounds like the perfect way to describe this... mess.
Reddit is with you, OP.
The entitlement these people feel is outrageous.
You get to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.
Keeping a log for a future police report could be a good idea.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp