It’s easy to sit back and hear about what is considered an obvious scam. But if no one fell for them, no one would do them.
There are people who send money to the Nigerian prince.
Or buy gift cards to redeem their winnings in a lottery they never entered.
A son dealing with his mother’s belief that an obvious scam is her ticket to fortune turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit for feedback.
PuzzledOne3927 asked:
“AITA for not allowing my mom to withdraw from her 401k after she’s been scammed for over $1,000,000?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Background: My father passed away 5 years ago. My mother (58, female) has sent over $1,500,000 through crypto over the past 6 months through an online task scam. She has claimed every step of the way that ‘This is the last step, I swear!’.”
“Then something popped up where she had no choice but to put more money into retrieving all her money & more. She refuses to believe it’s a scam and still has 100% confidence that it is real.”
“She needs to send them $30,000 within 2 weeks and has no way of obtaining this money besides withdrawing from her 401 (k). She has already mortgaged her cars, borrowed against her life insurance, and taken out loans against her house.
“From what I (20, male) know, the only assets she has left is her retirement 401 (k) & her house (small fraction of the total value). She won’t be able to sell her house within 2 weeks, so she wants to withdraw from her 401k. Since she is not 59 1/2, she cannot withdraw from her 401 (k).”
“She wants to do a hardship 401 (k)withdrawal under tuition—state she is using the funds to pay for my college tuition—and then send that to the scammers. I believe she would need to pay tax on it in addition to a 10% penalty for withdrawing it before she’s 59 1/2.”
“She needs a document from the school, which can only be obtained by the student, to apply for her 401 (k) hardship withdrawal. I’m refusing to help her get this document.”
“Her perspective:”
“- We are family and we should support each other in hard times.”
“- It’s her money and she just needs my help accessing it. She’s not asking for my money.”
“- It’s the ‘last step’ and if she doesn’t get her money after this, she’ll quit.”
“- It’s only $30,000 compared to the $1,500,000 she has already put in. She has put in this last bit to get it all back.”
“- She would rather lose $30,000 and have the peace of mind knowing they fully scammed her than thinking that she ruined people’s lives and lost her money. She believes that they ‘lent’ her money to get paid since she could not cover the entire amount & that it’s affecting their lives.”
“- I’m ‘ruining’ her life because I am stopping her from accessing her own money.”
“My perspective:”
“- I just want her to quit sending money and realize it’s a scam. If giving her the document would allow her to lose her $30,000 and accept it’s a scam, I am fine with that.”
“- She has lied every step of the way, always saying it’s the last step and that she will quit, but never does. Her promise to quit doesn’t have any meaning, and if I enable her to get this money, I’m only ruining her life further when she finally accepts it’s a scam.”
“- I don’t want to be involved in the scam, even if it’s just enabling her to access her money.”
“- I don’t think there will ever be an end until her money runs dry, and if I don’t help her here, this may be where her money runs dry.”
The OP later added:
“It’s a task scam impersonating a website called ‘tomatazos’. She does tasks every day for money, but has to put her money in when problems arise.”
“She has already sent them the money through crypto. They tell her that their system only gives XX days to withdraw based on some rules. When she goes to withdraw, something always pops up, and the only way to fix it is for her to deposit more money inside.”
“I’ve shown her countless websites & other people saying it’s a scam, but she hides behind excuses.”
“I do live with her in her house. She pays all the bills and works from home frequently. If shutting off her internet would make her quit, I’d love that. But shutting off her internet would affect her work, and she would be able to turn it back on as easily as I turned it off, since she pays the bills for it.”
“She’s very set that it’s real and admits it looks like a scam from the outside. She brushes off everyone’s worries by saying, ‘They haven’t done it for themselves, so they can’t say if it’s a scam’. No matter what anyone tells her, she uses that excuse as a shield.”
“When I show her posts of people who did it, saying it’s a scam, she says, ‘They just made a mistake and didn’t do it correctly. I know what they did wrong’.”
“I pulled up an FBI.gov website that had word-for-word her exact scam, and she says the FBI website is talking about similar scams, but hers is different. She’s unreasonable towards any evidence of it being a scam.”
“We’ve spoken to a lawyer and bank representative. I looked into getting power of attorney and guardianship, but was told that I would most likely lose the case.”
“She originally banked with Chase & they caught on & suspended her accounts a few months ago. She has been moving from bank to bank since then.”
“I really don’t know what other options I have. I feel like I can only wait until she loses all her money and accepts it’s a scam.”
“I have tried contacting adult protective services, but they unfortunately weren’t able to help. The representative was really polite and tried her best, but told me that my mother wasn’t old enough (at least 65) and didn’t have any disability.”
“I have tried calling the local police and was told that they can’t do anything unless she is the one to file a report. I can’t file anything on her behalf, sadly. I made a report on IC3 for fraud a few months ago, but haven’t heard anything back, sadly.”
*EDITOR’S NOTE: IC3 (Internet Crime Complaint Center) is a website where a report can be filed with the FBI for suspected internet-facilitated criminal activity
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I believe that I may be in the wrong because it is my mother’s money that I am preventing her from obtaining. Even if I know she is being scammed and I am doing it to look out for her, it is her money at the end of the day.”
“Should I be stopping her from accessing her own money? I think I am doing the right thing, but I want others’ opinions.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Sadly you are right, there is basically nothing you can do to force her to stop. But as others have said, make sure your accounts are completely separate from hers, that she is not on any of yours, and you are not in any way listed on any of the loans she has taken out.”
“And lock your credit.”
“About the only thing you can do right now is sit her down, tell her you love her, but that you will not be destroyed financially to pay for her bad decisions. Which means that since she would not listen to you that this is a scam and she has lost all of her retirement and most of her assets, you will not be giving her money or helping her out financially as she ages.”
“The downside of this is that it may make her more desperate to continue to try to get her money back out. If you get along with your mom generally, you could offer her this lifeline and tell her if she walks away now, not another dime sent, commits and follows through with complete financial transparency with you going forward, you will allow her to move in with you in the future if it becomes necessary while she is in good health.”
“I would potentially ask for a voluntary make you her financial conservator to protect you both, but I doubt she will go for it until she has some space to finally admit to herself she was scammed.” ~ myssi24
“NTA. Please take a step back and realize scam or no scam, what she wants to do is commit financial fraud and, f*ck to the no, don’t do that.”
“She is GUESSING there won’t be any ramifications, but who knows? It would be clear fraud to withdraw funds under false pretenses.” ~ pottersquash
“NTA. You realize your mom has basically given away her retirement and is going to struggle just to survive for the next 20+ years.” ~ deefop
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please be assured you are NTA. She is the victim of a crime but doesn’t recognize it which makes this 1,000 times worse for everyone.”
“Do not give her any money. Do not give her access to any of your accounts…ever. Don’t sign anything she asks you to or help her in any way in this regard.” ~ IamIrene
“And for the love of all things god, LOCK DOWN YOUR CREDIT. Someone who is already willing to commit fraud can be desperate enough to defraud you—because they’ll ‘pay it all back when they get the money’.” ~ Jess_cue
The OP provided a small update:
“I mainly wanted reassurance that I was making the correct choice. She’s my mom, and even though she’s made a lot of dumb mistakes, I do care for her a lot and was starting to go back on my decision.”
“Everyone saying that the correct choice is to not help her makes it easier to go through with. I don’t have many people I can discuss this with in real life, unfortunately, so seeing other people’s opinions really helps.”
OP may not be able to stop his mom from destroying her life.
But he can steer clear of aiding and abetting her efforts and of committing financial fraud by signing off on her 401 (k) tuition scam.