Not all parent-child relationships are created equal, and unfortunately for some adult children who grew up in less-than-stellar home environments, the “gifts” can just keep on giving in adulthood.
A fan “favorite” has to be the parents who make an effort to “reconnect” with their adult child, essentially placing all of the onus and responsibility of the relationship falling apart onto their kid, cringed and side-eyed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor banoszo had a problematic relationship with their mother, and they were fed up with all of the “journeys,” “healings,” and “processes” she went through after joining a somatic healing group.
But when she went so far as to demand that their adult child participate in a ritual to “heal” their relationship by simulating the birthing process, the Original Poster (OP) absolutely refused.
They asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by refusing to attend my mom’s ‘symbolic rebirthing’ ritual, where I would have to crawl through a nylon tunnel between her legs, to ‘heal our relationship’?”
The OP was skeptical of their mother’s healing journey.
“My mom joined this somatic, healing group.”
“They do ‘rebirths’ for adult children: the parent holds a long stretch of lycra between their legs like a tunnel, and the grown child has to crawl through it while the group chants.”
“Then you’re supposed to lie on your parent’s chest and be ‘welcomed back.'”
The OP was not interested and did not feel they “owed” doing this to their mother.
“She told me I ‘owe’ her this to repair our relationship.”
“I told her I’m not doing that, especially not in front of 12 strangers with gongs.”
“She started crying and said I was ‘rejecting her a second time.'”
“Now she plans to do a ‘symbolic rebirth without me’ to ‘express the wound’ and invited me to watch on Zoom.”
The OP felt conflicted after being criticized about their decision.
“My sister says I’m ‘scared of intimacy’ and am ‘humiliating her healing.'”
“I feel like I am simply declining to crawl through a synthetic birth canal in a room full of chanting adults.”
“Am I really the unreasonable one here?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they were not responsible for their mother’s healing journey.
“You are not. Everyone is responsible for their own mental health.”
“She wants to heal, and that’s good for her. But she can’t force you to be part of this.”
“I have a narcissistic mother, so maybe I am a bit biased, but I am sure you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” – Frikilichus
“NOR. Wanting to heal is fine, but making someone else’s comfort the price for it isn’t. You set your boundary and that’s completely fair.” – SunnyCheri
“Tell her, ‘Absolutely not. Just the thought of doing this is traumatizing me. Do not bring it up again.’ NOR.” – Sharontoo
“NOR. Your mom’s mental conniptions are not your responsibility to resolve, especially in such a whacko way.” – HorkupCat
“NOR. This is culty and weird. And it’s concerning that your sister is acting like you are the one with a problem here.”
“I wouldn’t even talk to my mom if she were on something like this. Please investigate whoever is leading this group. They are probably some kind of grifter siphoning money from your mother and others.” – Either_Coconut
“NOR, not one bit. I find the whole idea of rebirth extremely creepy.”
“Also, it’s not going to repair anything. All it’s going to do is waste a lot of money and time. If you and your mom really want to mend your relationship, you need to start talking to each other.”
“I mean, really talk to each other, not at each other. And do it someplace where no one is going to interfere or interrupt you.” – GoalHistorical6867
“NO is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain.”
“Your mother needs to heal? She doesn’t need you to accomplish that. She can do this thing alone, or with your sister instead, or she can do like regular people and go to therapy. Nope, NOR.” – Creative_Excuse_1940
“NOR. It seems that to repair your relationship with your mom, she needs to learn to respect boundaries instead of crying and trying to guilt you when she runs into them.” – No-Town5321
“I’m so sorry if this is true, but this is hilarious. Sounds like a horror film. You climb straight up that tube of lycra, cut that umbilical cord, and rip yourself to sanity and crawl/run to freedom, my brother or sister in Narcissist H**l.” – MyGrandmaHasCrabs
“NOR, and at least one person has died doing this weird therapy.”
“You can support your mum’s healing without being a prop and having your life put at risk in the process.” – HelpfulName
“Every time I hear one of these types of rebirthing stories, I think of that poor girl who died.”
“Nope. Mom can heal your relationship in another way. Not by making you crawl through a tunnel.” – Cootieface123
Others were more critical and questioned whether the mother was looking for an easy way out of being held accountable.
“Does she want to heal, or is it easier than putting in the work to rebuild the relationship?”
“It sounds much easier to do this crazy thing and then be able to go, ‘Now it’s all in the past, so you can’t hold it against me.'” – Lavender_dreaming
“NOR. You can support her healing journey without literally crawling through fabric between her legs. That’s not how healthy boundaries work, and frankly, the ‘you owe me’ angle is a red flag and makes me wonder what her true motivations for this ritual are.” – pedroccp1
“What a bunch of nutbags. There’s not a single one of those things that needs to be done in order for her to ‘heal’ from whatever trauma she thinks she has. NOR.” – Wyshunu
“There is no healing in an expectation that others perform for your sake. It’s one thing to say that someone needs to stop engaging in dangerous or unhealthy acts for the sake of a relationship, but to insist that someone engage in some performance that may or may not help you to view yourself differently is not healing, it’s perpetuating the problem (in my opinion).” – AnneMos
“No. Honestly, just no. If this is ‘denying her a second time,’ then some people both need to be denied, and to learn to accept it can be a part of life.”
“If she somehow ACTUALLY needs this to ‘heal’? Then she will never heal. It will be an escalating list of ridiculous, humiliating, and/or remarkably similar to cult behavior variety of demands accompanied by the same cry-bullying.”
“Honestly, were I in your shoes, I think my response to her might end with, ‘and the horse you rode in on.'” – Just-Dot8943
“NOR. Your mom asked you to do something weird, if symbolic, and you said no. What’s the reaction?”
“It’s not ‘scared of intimacy’ to reject someone trying to put on a show of fixing a relationship vs actual effort. It’s a reasonable reaction to your mom’s self-serving public display.”
“It’s a weird ritual to symbolize resetting a relationship? Symbolism means nothing without something to ground it. If you’ve got past issues with your Mom, doing a weird ritual doesn’t fix that. If she wants a second shot, she needs to put in effort to build trust. The ritual should come after that, to symbolize what she’s done.” – wowbragger
“Me (not reading beyond the title): No. No, you are NOR.”
“After reading: Still NOR. And tell your flying monkey of a sister that she can clutch a teddy bear with your name sharpied on it while she does her own stupid tube crawl if she’s so concerned about it. (ends sarcastic comment)” – Bunnywithanaxe
“You aren’t being unreasonable. You don’t owe this to your mom. She is responsible for her own mental health, and it isn’t your job to fix her.”
“Not participating is not a sign that you are scared of intimacy or unwilling to be open with people. Your sibling is wrong. They are likely trying to appease your mom because it is easier for them, which is similar to what your mom is doing. Essentially, they are both trying to shift the responsibility for their issues onto your shoulders, which is not great.”
“So, if you don’t want to do this, don’t do it. I happen to agree with you that the whole thing is just not something I would be willing to participate in, but even if I were into this stuff, it isn’t your responsibility to recreate your own birth just because your mom feels like she somehow missed out or messed something up.”
“You can’t fix her. She needs to work on herself, and you can’t do it for her.” – salymander_1
Fellow Redditors were deeply bothered by the ritual that the OP had described, and reassured them that they were not in the wrong for not wanting to participate, even if their relationship with their mother was fabulous.
If the mom really wanted to work on their relationship, open communication and possibly family or individual therapy would do that, not a ritual that pushed the OP’s boundaries and comfort level in front of a bunch of strangers.