As nice as it is to have lots of money, being in that situation can be problematic.
Specifically, people who think you should spend it on them.
Expected to foot the bill or spot someone who's a little short.
With some friends and family members expected to reap benefits they do not deserve.
Redditor carlbrashear was in a very comfortable place financially, thanks to gainful employment.
As his parents became aware of this, they continued to ask the original poster (OP) for financial assistance, if not outright asking him to buy them things.
While the OP was initially fine with doing so, things finally grew to be too much when his mother demanded he make a very expensive purchase for her.
Leading to a heated exchange between mother and son.
Feeling somewhat guilty about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not paying for my mother's $4,000 wardrobe and eventually screaming at her?"
The OP explained why things became a bit vitriolic between him and his mother:
"My wife and I moved to the US (SF) from India back in 2022."
"I was making about $8k a month after taxes, apart from stocks."
"While my annual salary sounds massive when converted to Indian Rupees, my family doesn't seem to realize that I am not spending in Rupees."
"Between SF rent, general expenses, and a loan I was still paying off in 2022, we were barely saving $1,000 to $2,000 a month."
"Within three months of moving, my parents asked me to buy my brother a $1,000 laptop, which I did."
"I also bought my dad a $2,200 laptop."
"He didn't necessarily need it, but I remembered how he bought me an expensive laptop when I joined engineering, so I wanted to do something similar for him."
"I have also spent on other things, sending money home almost every other month: $300 here and $600 there."
"I even sent my parents on an expensive weekend getaway to a 5-star resort."
"Mind you, I have only stayed in budget hotels myself even to this date."
"My mom expressed the desire to have a German wardrobe in the living room, and I said she could go and ask around how much it would cost."
"I assumed it would be around $1,500."
"She comes back and says she went to a store and made a deposit for one that would cost almost $4,000."
"I was taken aback, and I asked her why she had to make a deposit without once consulting me."
"I told her I could not spare that kind of money because we had been in the US for less than a year by then and did not have enough savings."
"We did pay for many other things after this instance."
"For example, my mom needed surgery, and they did not want to go to any of the hospitals where their insurance would pay."
"So I paid for the whole thing, including the stay and food at a 3-star business hotel for two weeks."
"I did have it in my mind to one day pay them for the wardrobe."
"It is just that things happened: my wife had to move to a different city for her MBA, which increased our expenses, and then I lost my job in the middle of 2024."
"So I have not been able to pay back."
"Now I should mention that I have not been the best of sons."
"For the first five years of my job, I hardly sent any money home."
"I had to pay off a student loan that took anywhere from 30% to 50% of my salary."
"Plus, I was profligate and undisciplined with money and ended up incurring massive credit card debt."
"But I cleaned up my act, paid off everything, and even started saving."
"Before moving to the US, I bought my parents a few expensive appliances and other things."
"But for the most part, I was not of much help."
"My parents also paid for my wedding, money that I am yet to pay back."
"Anyway, the other day my mother brought up the issue of the wardrobe and how I only make promises but never fulfill them."
"I lost it."
"I screamed at her and told her how she is constantly counting what we have spent on ourselves and not on her."
"It was not pretty."
"Am I the a**hole for not paying for that German wardrobe back then?" Am I the a**hole for screaming at my mother?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at his mother, and refusing to pay for her expensive German wardrobe.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's parents were taking advantage of him, and he needed to draw a line, not to mention prioritize his wife and their future, even if not everyone felt he needed to yell at his mother:
"NTA."
"That being said."
"You are paying for luxuries for relatives instead of investing in your future."
"You need to put money aside for your retirement, a savings account at least."
"You are destroying your future for other people's frivolity."
"You need therapy to figure out why you feel obligated to fund others' vacations while you are barely paying your bills here."
"Start with working out why you paid for surgery and a 2-week stay in a luxury resort because they didn't want to go to the free hospital."
"You are letting them walk all over you."
"Grow a spine and learn how not to be a people-pleasing doormat."- Classic_Ad3987
"As a desi person— NTA."
"They're taking advantage of you and are guilt-tripping you due to our culture."
"Basic expenses I understand, but anything past that is taking advantage and not understanding your situation."
"People back home always think those who settle and live in America are rich when we live worse off than them."- m1drizzystepper
"NTA for the wardrobe."
"You aren't required to send money home to your parents."
"It doesn't make you a bad son because you didn't."
"Your parents are taking advantage of you, and at some point, you need to put your foot down and stop paying for so much for them."
"I know it's a cultural thing, but you don't owe them for what they were required to provide you in your childhood."
"YTA to your wife, does she realize how much you are sending to your parents?"
"Also, yelling at your mother, isn't necessary; next time, just hang up."- Lunar-Eclipse0204
"NTA."
"Your mom is India."
"Stop sharing information with her about your salary and spending."- Fun-Yellow-6576
"NTA."
"I am glad I am not of a culture that believes children have to stay poor so that parents read the rewards of their work."
"Children owe parents NOTHING."
"They are not investment portfolios."
"My kids both have outearned me."
"I am now retired."
"Guess what I ask of them?"
"NOTHING."
"Stop sending money."- LingonberryPrior6896
"NTA."
"A problem of being a successful child."
"You want to help your family, because they helped you, but there's nothing wrong with YOU also enjoying the fruits of your own labor, and setting boundaries to that effect."- well-thereitis
"NTA."
"I'd text your mother you've paid for her surgery, vacation, and other monies, but you can't afford a $4k wardrobe and do not understand why she expected you to buy such an expensive piece of furniture and put a deposit without asking."
"If you're feeling generous, tell her you can cover a set amount, but no more, only because you offered."
"Explain if you ever are to afford a house or kids, you can't keep sending them money for luxury items."
"It's tempting to feel like the wildly successful son who's the hero back home or to feel guilty."
"Instead, look at the numbers and consider telling them you have to save for your future."
"Or they won't have a son with a house, nor will they have grandkids from you."
"It'd be even worse to not be stable in this economy because you don't have the savings if there's a job loss or recession here."- julesk
"NTA."
"Your parents are taking advantage of you."
"No good-natured parents would do this, not even the ones dependent on their kids."
"Healthcare costs are okay, but expensive wardrobes and laptops?!"
"You need to draw a line, as you'd need this money for your own family."
"Also, you need to add the cultural context to this post, a lot of people from western countries responding to this post won't get it."- Guilty_Pension_8367
As children grow up and become adults, it's not uncommon for them to help out their parents financially or even treat them to nice things.
What is uncommon, however, is for parents to expect to be treated to a life of luxury by their children.
The OP's mother should carefully consider what is more important in the long run: having that German wardrobe or a healthy relationship with her son.
Based on what the OP said, it sadly isn't clear which direction she will go.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp