There is possibly nothing more precious than a secret.
Those lucky few who are aware of it may possess valuable knowledge that could give them great power.
The fascinating thing about secrets, however, is that while the protected information often remains under wraps, the existence of the secret itself often has a way of getting out.
Resulting in just about everyone clambering to unlock it.
Redditor Ocampo-Mark tended to blow friends and family members away with a special skill of theirs.
Eventually leading the original poster (OP)'s sister-in-law (SIL) to demand to know what their secret is.
Something the OP was unwilling to share, much to their SIL's frustration.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to share my "secret" recipe with my sister-in-law?"
In a short and sweet post, the OP explained why they were unwilling to share their very special secret:
"I have a specific way of making baked mac and cheese."
"It's the only thing I'm known for at family gatherings."
'My SIL asked for the recipe, and I told her I'd rather keep it a secret."
"She called me gatekeeper-y and says I'm being 'childish' over noodles.'
"My brother says I should just give it to her to keep the peace."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to share their mac-and-cheese recipe.
Some simply didn't understand why the OP, or anyone for that matter, refused to share their recipes, feeling it was how it was cooked, and not the recipes themselves, that made the dish special:
"YTA."
"I don't understand gatekeeping recipes."
"Teaching other people your recipes is a great way to connect."
"I still get messages near the holidays from people I haven't seen in years that they made my sugar cookie recipe, and it was a hit."
"That makes me feel better than being the only one who knows the recipe."- Snoobeedo
"I am of a different mindset."
"I won't say YTA but I don't get why people need to keep a recipe 'secret' I am honored when someone has asked for a recipe."
"I will give it to them."
"Chances are their version will not be identical to my own and often they then change it anyway."
"However, for those who feel the need to keep the recipe secret...it is their choice."-Glittering_Role1658
"YTA."
"My ex-MIL refused to share her potato salad recipe with anyone, including my son (her grandson)."
"She said she was going to take it with her to the grave, and she did."
"Why do you care if someone else knows how to make your mac and cheese?"
"Seems selfish to me."- ArtyCatz
While others felt the OP's SIL was overreacting, feeling everyone is entitled to secrets:
"NTA."
"It's just a recipe, not a life-saving treatment for snakebite.'
"If she wants to find a good mac & cheese recipe, she can find one online."
"There are hundreds of them."- No_Difficulty_9365
"NTA."
"She's right you are gatekeeping, but it's over YOUR recipe."
"I am all for sharing recipes with others if that is what you want, but I also don't blame people who don't want to share them."
"I am the same way with my snickerdoodles."
"It's my own recipe that I worked on, and I don't really plan to share it anytime soon bc it's mine."
"Maybe it's a little selfish, but we're all selfish in our own ways."
"People aren't entitled to dictate what you do or don't choose to share with them."- Quirky-Insect-9920
"Are you actually using noodles?"
"Or is it pasta, like it should be?"
"Are noodles the secret?"
"Lol."
"NTA if you don't like your sister in law."- StargazerSayuri
"NTA."
"Your recipe - you decide who gets it."
"And I hate when other people tell you to give in to 'keep the peace'- why doesn't the other person just respectfully accept 'no'?!"- rr_atl
"NTA."
"It's your recipe."
"It isn't hers."
"If being the person that is known for delicious Mac and Cheese makes you happy- good deal!"
"It's your thing."
"You can choose not to share your own recipe."
"I hate when people use 'gatekeeping' when they want something from you."
'Gatekeeping is like, refusing to say what store carries the shoes you're wearing."
"No. It's a complete sentence."
"You don't have to keep the peace because she wants your thing."
"Even if you give it to her, she'll claim you left an ingredient out to ruin it for her."
"Just don't do it."- Mysterious_Peas
"NTA For years, I refused to let my kids even see my recipe for pecan pie or know where I kept it."
"Reason?"
"I am a Yankee and my ex-husband once said my pie was better than his mother's."
"I refused to let that SOB have my pie after we split."
"I have gladly shared my recipe with friends."- fourlittlebees
"And we wonder why so many men, even women, believe people shouldn't have bodily autonomy, when people are already this authoritarian and controlling over f*cking recipes."
"NTA, society really needs to check their entitlement culture."- Kittenscute
"NTA."
"Wow."
"She got offended and resorted to name calling rather quickly, didn't she?"
"It's called a secret recipe for a reason."
"My family member also has a secret recipe for baked Mac n' Cheese."
"It's yours."
"You decide who gets it and when, as is you're Right."
"She's doesn't get to demand it from you."
"The audacity on this broad lol."- LadyOfThePolarBears
"NTA."
"She is quick to diminish it by saying you're 'being childish over noodles' and whenever anyone says that it immediately goes both ways."
"If she thinks you're being childish because they're just noodles, then she's also being childish by making a fuss over noodles."
"Let her keep the peace, she's the one who disrupted it."- GeneStarwind1
"NTA, it's yours… but you can do a half way thing that many chefs do."
"Explain that this recipe matters to you."
"She's not ever supposed to bring it to an event you will be bringing it."
"This is YOURS in the family."
"No head to head nonsense."
"She can make it for her own family, and in her home, for friends, but with attribution 'this is Auntie Ocampo's special recipe!'"- catscausetornadoes
"So, if you share this recipe with SIL, what are the chances that she'll bring it to the next family gathering?"
"If you think they're high, NTA."
"If you think they're low, NTA."
"It's your recipe and if you created it, it's kind of like intellectual property."- athiestvegan
"NTA."
"My sister is a baker and her recipes are her intellectual property and for a long time, we're her livelihood."
"She has a handwritten cookbook full of recipes that she worked on for years and they are perfect."
"I have one of them - ONE - and I will never, ever, part with it."
"I feel honored to have it and I only have it because she was out of the country and I made it for her kiddo that was missing her."
"I even go as far as to ask if I can make it for specific things if other people will be having it."
"School fundraisers, etc."
"It's about respect for her time invested, and I know that's why she trusted me with the recipe to begin with."
"What's funny is I'm known as the baker among my colleagues and friend groups and I've never even considered making her recipe for them."
"I have specialties that I'm known for and it works for us."- Ready_Revolution5023
"She called it noodles… enough reason to not give it to her."
"I'm assuming there's more to this story than just a recipe."
"Either way, I'm going with NTA."- poets_pendulum
"NTA."
"Give her the wrong version, when she complains all you have to say is that it must be her!"- G-reeper66
"Clearly the fact that you're known for the recipe is something that you hold close."
"I would say NTA. Its your personal recipe and you don't have to give it to anybody."
"People are so entitled nowadays."
"You are an adult, as is she."
"Nobody should force you into anything you don't want to do."
"I have a special recipe that my grandmother passed down to me and I don't share it at all and have been begged for it a million times."
"No is a full sentence."
"Also anybody immediately calling names after you gave an answer is not somebody I would ever share a special recipe with."
"She proved right there why she doesn't deserve it."
"She can get online and figure out how to make mac and cheese and tweak the recipe until she finds one she likes."
"Not your problem."
"Personally Id tell my brother f*ck off and buy her cooking class lessons if he cares so much."-keepitcutesis
While others didn't find anyone particularly at fault:
"NAH, honestly people act like you have to share everything."- emmiec1717
What family doesn't have a "secret family recipe, passed on from generation to generation"?
From the sounds of it, the family of the OP's SIL.
It would indeed be silly if a relationship became fractured "over noodles."
Something that both the OP and their SIL should carefully consider, rather than prolonging this feud.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp