Consequences are like seeds.
You plant the seed with your actions, and then you wait, hoping that the consequences you grow will be beautiful flowers or strong trees.
Unfortunately, sometimes you get a poisonous ivy that leaves you angry and itchy.
So, what happens when you get to be the ivy?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ForsakenWolverine444 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for demanding respect from my DIL and if she can’t then get the f*ck out”Â
A little bit of history.
“I’m a young MIL, I’m only 39.”
“Had my kids pretty young and I am very lucky that my husband makes a lot of money so I don’t have to work.”
“I was a SAHM for a long time and once they started to spread their wings instead of going to work my husband and I decided I would be a homemaker and be active in the community.”
“That’s what I have been up to and I try to make the community a better place.”
The problem.
“Now my oldest son 22 married and I was really excited until I met her.”
“In general she is a very business focus person that is very blunt. I actively dislike her but I try to be polite for my son’s sake.”
“A few examples of why I don’t like her, her wedding gift I handed over saying it was from me and my husband.”
“She responded back with just your husband since I know it wasn’t your money that paid for it.”
“Saying I am volunteering, well, that’s not a real job since it doesn’t make money. It’s passive-aggressive and yes, I have talked to my son about it and even once’s with her to try to clear the air.”
“We had a get-together last night, and I made a homemade meal.”
“When I was playing everything, she came up and made the comment other no wonder I could make a home-cooked meal I don’t do anything else with my day.”
“I lost it and told her that she needs to respect me or get the f**k out of my house.”
“She was shocked and then started to cry when I did kick her out.”
“My son is pissed, and we had a huge argument, and he called me a huge a**hole. I need an outside opinion.”
OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
The responses were just as blunt.
“NTA”
“Wow.”
“She’s a total AH.”
“Just because you don’t conform to her ‘Business Focus’ personality doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.”
“What you and your husband have worked for the two of you, AND you volunteer for the community.”
“Whether it pays or not doesn’t take away from your commitment and responsibility you show to others. DIL is a piece of work.”
“What does the husband say to all of this?” ~ KronkLaSworda
“Honey, she’s not passive aggressive. She’s aggressive aggressive.”
“I don’t know what I would do in this situation, but you are definitely not the AH.”
“Is her family as nasty as she is?”
“I wonder if her mother worked or was a SAHM and either instilled in her that women who don’t work are to be hated, or she maybe resents her mom?”
“Either way, I’m sorry, she has zero respect for herself with this behavior, and your son is out of line.”
“Hope if you’re helping them financially in any way that you pull it ASAP” ~ Okey-dokey13845
“NTA”
“What she said is horrible.”
“I DESPISE people who say volunteering isn’t a real job.”
“What a gross human being she is. She sounds like she is someone who bases others’ worth on how much money they make.”
“Ew.” ~ unicornhair1991
“NTA, she is rude and horrible. Your son should not be on her side in this situation.”
“Gross.” ~ Creative_Key_9488
OP’s son was not spared judgment.
“Look, I hate to say this, but it sounds like your son doesn’t respect you.”
“She acted like she was better than you more than once, and your son should’ve nipped that in the bud the first time.”
“Basic respect for partner’s parents should be a hill to die on IMO”
“Honestly, you should sit him down, the three of you sans wife, and see what the heck is going on.”
“This woman might be twisting facts or not…if he can’t see how wrong her behavior is and doesn’t check her, I’d just minimize the contact with both for as long as needed.”
“Preferably till he comes to his senses” ~ royalbk
“Agreeing with this and adding:”
“Please make sure you tell your son you both love him, and if (when) this marriage ends, he should know he can count on you both for support.”
“You are definitely not the only person DIL is treating this way. Eventually, he will recognize the pattern that he married an AH, and hopefully, he’ll be able to get out.”
“You can keep a firm boundary about how she treats you and still let him know he’s welcome to come home when it implodes with her.” ~ Mirabai503
“Stop inviting her over. Stop playing ‘little family United family.’ Your son is a coward and a major a-hole for allowing her to disrespect you.” ~ Finest30
“INFO:”
“This sounds totally N-T-A as described.”
“You would be 100% in the right if she is speaking to you disrespectfully without cause, and you should not have her there – just attacking you out of the blue is sufficiently far out of line that I don’t know how your son could support her.”
“What does he actually say when confronted with the fact that she’s being insulting and unkind to you totally unprovoked?”
“I have a hard time imagining a cogent defense to this behavior.”
“He thinks you’re just supposed to sit there and take her talking to you like this for no reason? How could he say you’re the one in the wrong here?”
“What’s his stated reasoning?” ~ Reddoraptor
“NTA. These types of couples are the worst.”
“Your son has no respect for your family, his wife, or himself.”
“I would bet my left arm he’s only in the relationship because she’s conventionally attractive and is thinking with the head below the waist instead of the one above the shoulders.”
“Going low to no contact with both of them is probably the best suggestion going forward.”
“He will continue to turn a blind eye to her nasty behavior so long as it’s not directed at him.”
“If she has no one around her to belittle and berate, he will soon be the center of her wrath. Only then will the brain below the belt stop working.” ~ NaturalSmart7047
Some pointed to deeper, more troubling possibilities.
“Yes.”
“It sounds like the DIL attacks OP when OP’s son isn’t in earshot and then turns on the tears (not very businesslike) when she gets pushback.”
“She’s trying to isolate him and is surely pulling this on others in his life as well.” ~ calling_water
Think of the Business!
“It’s gonna hurt her business focus when she insults the partners of the higher-ups…bc I’m willing to bet quite a few have stay-at-home partners who do charity work.” ~ ASlightHiccup
“Lol 100%.”
“My husband fired a female employee who made a really pointed comment at dinner about women who don’t work being gold diggers.”
“Literally every high up at the company has a SAHM/wife because our husbands work A LOT and have very busy social lives due to the nature of the job.”
“They thought she was crass and disgusting.”
“Funniest bit? Her husband still works at the company and refused to quit for her because he thought she was awful at the dinner and deserved it, so looks like she’ll soon lose a husband too” ~ Okey-dokey13845
“Yeah, she sounds like she has little real-world business experience.”
“Business dealings have a great deal to do with who you know and network with.”
“OP’s volunteer work may put her in touch with other families that are civic-minded.”
“But primarily – what idiot puts down their in-laws for having a normal, healthy relationship?”
“She doesn’t have to want to be a SAHW to be able to respect the lifestyle if they are taking care of themselves.” ~ aggie82005
Boundaries.
“NTA I bet she wishes she could stay home, but they can’t afford it.”
“Set your boundaries with this woman and tell your son you are not an a**hole.”
“He and his wife are a**holes. I include your son because if he didn’t believe the nonsense coming out of her mouth, he would have said something to her long ago.” ~ InvestigatorHot8127
“NTA at all! Aside from the very vital things OP provides, so what if she did just sit around the house all day, It was still big AH thing for DIL to constantly comment on this in from of everyone.”
“And son begs to learn better boundaries. If she is this disrespectful I’d people in his life, I am sure she’s worse with him.”
“Standing up for her isn’t love, it’s enablement.” ~ Psychological_Pair56
Boundaries and communication are important tools in building healthy relationships.
But sometimes, we need to learn not to touch the ivy.