Parents use specific terms of affection depending on the situation.
Sometimes, it's to calm a temperamental child, and other times, it's solely for sweet interactions that young ones react positively to.
One mother found that one of the phrases she tells her kids is problematic and sought judgment from strangers online by visiting the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor dundermifflinrules1 asked:
"AITA for continuing to use a phrase when addressing my kids despite my husband not liking it?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (38 F[emale]) have 4 young kids with my husband (40 M[ale]).
"They are 5 years old, 4-year-old twins, and a 1-year-old."
"Our kids are well-behaved in general. Anyone with young kids can confirm sometimes they have tantrums or get upset. Sometimes it's over big things, and sometimes it's over something silly."
"For example, our 5-year-old was upset this morning because his shoes weren't blue. They've never been blue. They've always been green. Today, I guess he just felt like having blue shoes."
"A phrase I use when calming my kids down over smaller issues is 'What's the story, macaroni?' "
"They love it when I say this, even when they are fussy or upset. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's just as simple as they think I see them as macaroni. Maybe it's the silliness of it. I can't remember where I heard it."
The OP continued:
"It's effective, helps them work through their emotions so we can work on communicating why we're upset and what can be done to fix it. For those wondering, in my 5-year-old's case, the solution was letting him put stickers on his shoes. All is well again lol."
Her spouse has a different opinion.
"My husband hates it when I say it. He has asked me several times not to say it because, to him, it sounds too childish. His approach is more strict, and he doesn't take the more kid-friendly approach."
"He would tell our 5-year-old that his shoes won't turn blue just because he is upset and he shouldn't throw a fit over something he can't change. (This would have upset our son further, not made him stop fussing)."
"I feel like sometimes kids have very big and valid feelings but might not know how to express that in a constructive way. I prefer to take the silly approach for these smaller issues."
"My kids respond positively to it, and it works. I don't use it for every situation, but on smaller issues, I feel it is fine."
"I have tried not to say it around my husband as he doesn't like it. The kids love it, and the oldest will sometimes even ask me to say it even if he's not upset, so I can't always avoid it even when he is there."
"I might be TA because it's clear my husband really doesn't like this phrase."
"AITA because I haven't stopped saying 'what's the story, Macaroni'?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. You have a parenting tactic that works because the children like it, and it calms them down. Your husband has a parenting tactic that doesn't seem viable with children your age. He rationalizes it, but the whole point is that the issue at hand (like the color of the shoes is the same as it always has been) is not rational, and the problem is not a rational one or a lack of understanding."
"It is fine if your husband uses his tactics when HE deals with the situation, including the aftermath. He should carry the damage of his approach as well (like: they still cry. Problem not solved or even worse.). In the same way, you have to deal with the consequences of your approach."
"What never works is doing what the other wants, while his approach is theoretical and he never gets to enjoy the consequences of his theoretical best approach."
"Also, your husband should be informed that children of the age of 1, 4 and 5 are in fact childish. They are supposed to be." – Jocelyn-1973
"I can imagine a really cute moment in the future where your kid is like 16 and dealing with something really serious, and doesn't know how to talk about it, and mom says all soft 'what's the story, macaroni?' And they break down and tell you everything, and everything's ok again."
"Don't mind me lol just seeing movie-scenes in my head of your potential life."
"(Btw NTA. I like it)." – rolyf'kingdiscopoly
"Sure, the language changes, but 'What's the story, Macaroni' seems to be a kind of lighthearted way to say, hey kiddo, what's the matter. I can see myself using this with my kids through their life, not with frequency, but when they have something troubling them (and in a private moment), a cue, if you will, that I am here and care just as much now about what is troubling you as I did all those years ago when you were a little one. I think it's sweet."
"NTA. And OP, I don't know why this gets on your hubs nerves, but you are both dealing with pretty young children right now, and if it delights your children (and gets results), why does your husband not care if the children have a little joy in their lives? It's not like they are being disobedient or anything...geez." – PickleNotaBigDill
"I'm the boss applesauce, don't get wise bubble eyes, see what I mean jellybean, whats the trouble bubble, you're a poet but didn't know it, but your toes sure show it because they are Longfellows…..these are the things my dad said all the time. NTA" – Solrackai
"NTA."
"You are helping your children express their feelings in a healthy way. Maybe your husband never had a parent guiding him and was always taught to 'get over it' without having the room to express himself first. He might not know how beneficial your approach is."
"How you teach them to regulate their emotions and think of a solution because he was never taught this. You are not 'silly', you are taking your children seriously and don't dismiss their feelings." – Poekienijn
"My husband was like this. He criticized my parenting choices whenever I did something that he thought 'babied' our children, even when they were infants. He demanded that I stop using a pillow to cushion my infant against my arm when nursing or just holding him. (He wanted to toughen up his son.) He also demanded it was time to stop nursing my daughter at six months because 'it would be more convenient for the family.' (How, I have no idea.)"
"I'm sorry, but when a man has the audacity to criticize a mother's parenting when it is obviously working well for the children, he needs to learn that there's room for both parents' preferences, whether he likes it or not. Especially when his reasoning is that he wants them to toughen up and he doesn't see the value in a softer approach. That's just BS." – hummingbird7777777
"NTA. i don't know you nor your husband, but from your text it sounds like you are talking to your kids as if they are kids, and take their feelings into consideration. meanwhile your husband seems to talk to your kids as if they are his colleagues, not children."
"ask him why a 'childish' phrase directed towards children is upsetting him, a grown man." – Impressive-Sir1298
"NTA."
"Your husband sure is, tho, and it doesn't sound like he's all that good with kids. They're little, they see things in their own kid way, and you try to talk to them at their level, but he's trying to talk to them like they're adults acting like children."
"Or maybe he's just salty that your way works better than his."
"Either way, NTA." – WhatsUpWithJinx
"NTA, your husband sounds more like an AH for treating your kids like adults. They can't think rationally like we do. If they are upset that their shoes are a different color, than that's a big thing for them. Your husband could use some lessons in being empathetic towards your little kids." – PhoenixMorgan2021
"Nta! You use that phrase to help the situation. Your husband uses things that hurt the situation. I hope he realizes that before he really ruins his relationship with them as they get older. Maybe couple therapy would help him realize if he hasn't done any parenting classes or courses yet." – CoCoaStitchesArt
Successful parenting is when spouses have an open line of communication in a civil manner without one antagonizing the other in a disagreement.
In this case, Redditors thought the husband was not seeing the fact that the OP's phrase was actually helpful in comforting their children.
Speaking of which, they also thought he should be reminded of the fact that at their kids' respective ages, they are still children, and a little coddling and sweet is not going to cause harm down the line but only strengthen the parent-child bond.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp