People’s tolerance for certain kinds of jokes can vary wildly. Part of being in a relationship is knowing your partner’s limits and operating within those boundaries.
Redditor throwitawayforgetit4 and his wife make a lot of gross jokes. It seems like the original poster (OP) might have found his wife’s limit when it comes to audience, however.
OP insists that he didn’t do anything wrong, but his wife is very upset with him. To figure out if he’s at fault, OP asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about his situation.
A small warning, that the story is a little gross.
“AITA for teasing my wife about pooping her pants”
The question is why are things different this time around?
“So I(26m[ale]) and my wife (23f[emale]) have been together 4 years and are extremely comfortable with each other, nothing ever really grosses us out with each other. She also gave me permission to post this.”
“A few weeks ago, my wife sh** herself. She was laughing, ate something she shouldn’t have, and it just happened.”
“She was a little embarrassed, but later we laughed about it together and have made multiple jokes about it.”
“Recently we were at dinner with mutual friends of ours and she started laughing. I told her to be careful or it’ll happen again and she stopped and got really quiet and embarrassed.”
“She was pretty reserved the rest of the night and when our friends left she shut herself in our bedroom, saying I had really embarrassed her and it was mean to make jokes about it without asking if she was ok with joking about it with friends beforehand.”
“She told me I needed to apologize to her for embarrassing her, but I told her we make jokes about it all the time and I don’t see a difference.”
OP assumed that because he and his wife joke about gross stuff all the time, that this situation was no different. But the wife think’s that the addition of friends changed everything, and OP should have known that.
Who is right here?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for making a joke about his wife around their friends by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board almost universally agreed that it was clear things were different. Joking around each other about gross topics is one thing, but once you add in people further removed from your intimate relationship, some barriers go up.
OP should have recognized that, and even if he didn’t, acknowledging her feelings after she said she was hurt would have been the next step. Instead, he doubled down that it was okay.
The final judgement was the OP was TA.
“YTA. Hard YTA.”
“Joking alone with your wife about something is vastly different than humiliating her in front of friends.”
“It isn’t a joke if the other person isn’t laughing.” – saran1111
“Yta. Roasting each other privately is very different to publicly humiliating her. You owe her a sincere apology.” – Hippolyta1978
“YTA – There is a massive, massive difference between having a private inside joke and telling OTHER people. I would be SO furious.”
“Your wife sounds chill as f***, honestly.” – Ok-Succotash7483
“Right? I have some GI issues that sometimes can be on the unfortunate side.”
“I joke freely about it with my boyfriend, and I don’t mind him joking about it in private with me because my motto is ‘well, can’t change these issues with my body so I might as well get a laugh out of it,’ but I would be FURIOUS if he brought it up in front of anyone else.” – ertrinken
“Of course YTA. Your friends didn’t know about it, so what you did was humiliating.”
“Joking about it with you is one thing because you already knew, telling new people is her call and her choice how to do that if at all” – Representative_Ask10
“you don’t see a difference between the two of you, a couple, versus the friend group? really? why did she marry you?”
“YTA.” – Juliennix
“This is absolutely a situation where you make sure ahead of time whether your spouse is okay with other people knowing it.”
“In most marriages, there are things that are just between the couple. For many people, they wouldn’t want friends to know about this kind of thing.” – madelinegumbo
“One thing is to joke about it with your SO, and VERY different – with the rest of the world. Of course, you’ve embarrassed her enormously in front of your friends, and you owe her a HUGE apology.”
“This is the kind of trash you absolutely should not put out of your house. Just imagine her making jokes in front of your friends about you sh**ting yourself, how would you feel? Jeez… why do you even have to ask?”
“YTA, absolutely, unquestionably.” – DumbFoo
“YTA. Making this joke in private is very different than making it in front of friends.”
“You are her husband so she likely is more comfortable with you than anyone else so she’s ok with you knowing embarrassing things about her but that does not mean it’s ok to share with friends.”
“My husband and i have this same relationship and i would be very mad if he made this joke in front of friends. Think of something super embarrassing you’ve told her or done in front of her and then picture her sharing it with a bunch of people over dinner.”
“Just apologize and move on. Whether you think it was right or not she didn’t like it and really that should be all the reason you need to apologize.” – Top_Detective9184
“YTA. Seriously, you can’t figure this out?!? You mentioned something she can share with you but no one else.”
“How mortifying for her wondering if you will share the full story in front of others. You ruined the night and put her on edge the whole night.”
“Just apologize. And add that wasn’t your intent, if it actually wasn’t. I suspect you might have told the whole story if pressed…”
“Then spend some time figuring out the difference between inside jokes and public comments.” – Kalilass08
“It’s great that the two of you can joke about something embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean it’s a story or joke she wants shared with others.”
“Instead of refusing to apologize and defending yourself, why wouldn’t you just apologize and ask her if she would prefer to not make jokes at all about this anymore, or was it just in front of other people.”
“And then do as she asks without arguing with her about why you should be able to mock her whenever you want.” – mfruitfly
After all the comments in agreement against OP, he acquiesced and apologized.
In an update to his original post, OP said:
“Edit: I realize I’m a dick. I ordered my wife her favorite for dinner, and will apologize when she gets home.”
To top it all off, OP’s wife decided to weigh in. She confirmed that she gave OP permission to post the story, though they are both hidden behind anonymous accounts.
That said, she sounds pretty chill and happy her husband learned his lesson.
“Hi everyone. Op’s wife here, also on a throwaway bc my main account is private lol. I’m not going to leave him but I do enjoy him receiving a reaming.”
“Thank you for the defense. I told him he should post it here, he said ok. Asked me if it alright that he posted this specific post, I said yes.”
“I got a good dinner, I got to laugh at my husband who was a dick, and now it’s ok. Things are solid. He won’t be making anymore jokes about me to other people.”
“And with that, adieu.”
“Oh and babe? YTA :)” – shittypantsmcgee59
Some of the comments were a little incredulous that people actually suggested she leave her husband.
“Lol did people really suggest a divorce over something that can be fixed over a conversation!?” – ActuallyxAnna
“It’s Reddit. Of course they did.” – geckotatgirl
Other commenters were just glad to see a happy ending.
“I’m glad you worked it out. Communication is so important, and it’s great to see that you can overcome these things.”
“Last month my husband embarrassed me by telling our friends how I peed my pants after I wiped out on our icy driveway. I just laid there, double humiliated. I don’t know how it happened, but it did.”
“He and I laughed about it after the fact, but I never expected him to think it was cool to share with friends. I’m pretty laid back and can laugh at myself, but I was super embarrassed.”
“We worked it out and he apologized. Later that week he slipped on ice on the exact same place, fell flat on his back. (he was ok but I couldn’t help but laugh) Laying there he just uttered, ‘I deserved that.’ Every relationship needs balance :)” – discodethcake
Maybe next time, OP will think before joking, and he won’t have to have the entire internet tell him what he did wrong.