Family can make odd requests of one another.
Some requests can be especially difficult to grapple with when they surround death and the aftermath of it.
Finding peace with grief is never an easy road.
Case in point…
Redditor Sharkrocket777 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“WIBTA if I didn’t let my mother in law get buried on top of my wife?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife died in 2018 and recently her mother told me that she has some paperwork for me to fill out so she can be cremated and buried on top of my wife.”
“I checked into it and apparently that’s something they do at the graveyard where my wife is buried.
“She says that she wants to be buried there so my wife is not alone.”
“I have since remarried and will likely be buried next to my current wife.”
“But I’m having a hard time coming to a decision about it.”
“I’m trying to put aside the fact that she told my 10 year old about it before talking to me about it.”
“And that she told me that it was happening instead of talking to me about it.”
“I 100% understand that she wants to be buried near her daughter.”
“I fully support this but I don’t know that I want her there when I go to visit my wife.”
“Note: I’m really trying not to let how she approached the situation make the decision for me.”
“In my mind they’re two different things.”
“Thanks, I’m having a really hard time with this one.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I didn’t let it happen and suggested that she were buried on a plot nearby?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NAH. But the important question is, would this woman want to be buried with her mom?”
“If they were close and friendly, I think this is reasonable.”
“If she wouldn’t have liked this, it’s OP’s duty to make those wishes known.” ~ depraveddoll
“Right. I don’t feel comfortable calling either party the AH here, with how much they both loved OP’s late first wife.” ~ daughter-of-durin
“NTA, your late wife had specified what she wanted.”
“Her mom is disregarding those wishes for her own grief.”
“If you had your own plot next to her offer to sell or gift it.” ~ Due-Yoghurt4916
“Also, why is this coming up now?”
‘Because you are getting married again?”
“Seems like that is where her problem is.”
“And I’m sorry bringing this up with a 10 year old and so far over the line I cannot begin to think what that did to your child. NTA.” ~ Wrong_Moose_9763
“NAH. This is a complicated and emotional subject.”
“And I commend you for trying to separate the way you feel about her approach with the way you feel about the request.”
“Admittedly, I don’t place as much importance on final resting places as most.”
“So I feel kind of neutral about what she’s asking.”
“But maybe ask yourself what the specific problem is with what she wants to do and if there is a reasonable compromise.”
“Maybe her grave could be adjacent to your wife’s rather than sharing it?”
“Maybe an urn could sit at the site rather than the ashes buried directly with her?”
“I think it would be reasonable to explain to your MIL that you want to have a place to visit and grieve your wife that’s just hers.”
“And that the symbolism of someone buried on top of her is upsetting to you (if that’s in fact the issue).” ~ JennnnnP
“By being literally on top if your deceased wife, she will be smothering her for eternity.”
“Nightmare afterlife. NTA.” ~ mladyhawke
“Mild YTA.”
“You’ve already stated you’d be buried next to your new wife when the time comes. I don’t know what the issue is at all.”
“Mom has a right to be buried with her daughter.”
“I don’t want her there if I visit my wife.”
“They’re both in the ground returning to the earth at that point.”
“Are you really going to let a name on a tombstone bother you that much?”
“What about your child, assuming that is their mother?”
“Would you really want to explain that ‘daddy just didn’t want mom and grandma to be buried at the same plot?'”
“I will add on though, that I do think it was rather off-putting that she told your child before you.”
“That’s honestly an adult discussion to have.”
“But I do understand that she probably thought it would be really sweet for her grandchild to know that she’ll be watching over them with mom (if y’all are spiritual or whatnot).” ~ Snommies
OP responded…
“This is helpful feedback, thank you.”
“I’m not leaning one way or the other on it currently.”
“I just can’t quite wrap my head around why this bothers me and isn’t an automatic yes.”
“Thank you for giving me a direction to think on.”
Reddit continued…
“NTA, if that was not what your wife wanted/would have liked.”
“If she would have liked it, then YTA.”
“As her partner in life, and presumably the person who knew her best and knew her wishes best, you are now her voice and the person responsible for respecting her wishes.”
“Your MIL is, I am sure, living full of grief for the loss of her daughter, and you should treat her with kindness.”
“But your job is make the best choice for your late wife, based on her wishes and your knowledge of her.”
“You may find some support by discussing it with her best friend or friends, as they might some insight that you don’t have.” ~ 94mac819
“NTA The only thing you need to do is respect your late wife’s wishes.”
“As a parent, I can understand the drive to be close, but this is a little much.” ~ IndividualRaspberry2
“NAH. I can see why grandma didn’t think you’d have an issue with it.”
“But it does seem a little obtuse to talk about her own burial in relation to their mother’s without having a conversation with you first.”
“Losing a child does things to people.”
‘My sister died last year after a protracted medical issue, and many of mom’s decisions have left me scratching my head. She’s definitely not the same anymore.”
“I just vent to my friends and roll with it.” ~ eightmarshmallows
OP came back to add a few things…
“EDIT: My wife and I spent a lot of time talking about her death and final resting place.”
“She had a terminal illness and actually picked out her exact spot.”
“It was not in the cemetery where her father and mother have plots.”
“She picked a cemetery in a different city if that helps.”
“And these commenters here reminded me that my wife’s wishes should be taken into account as well.”
“As such, if she heard that her mom was getting in her plot, boy howdy would I get a talking to and now I’m factoring that in.”
“I do respect that she wants to be by her daughter.”
“That’s why I am having a hard time with this decision.”
“I also want to respect what my wife would have wanted.”
“I was married to her daughter for 10+ years and can tell you with 100% certainty that her daughter would lose her mind if she was going to be buried with her mother.”
“Nearby would be fine but in the same plot would really upset her.”
“Thank you all so much for helping me figure this out, it really means a lot.”
Reddit shared more…
“NTA. Just go with what you think your wife would have wanted.”
“If she wouldn’t have wanted her mother buried there then don’t let her.”
“But if you think that your wife might have ended up deciding to make her mother happy then it is okay to let her.”
“No wonder you’re cross about her telling your 10-year-old; I would be too.”
“Good on you for doing your best not to let it cloud your judgement.” ~ VerityPee
“If you are very confident that your late wife would not want to have her mother share her plot, then you are respecting her wishes and are NTA.”
“What did your late wife think about the prospect of you sharing the plot or you being somewhere else entirely?”
“If she knew you would be buried with your current wife and not with her, would that have changed her opinion on her mom?”
“Or would she be full out “no I do not want my mom to be buried with me?”
“That’s a tough topic to consider.”
“But your personal opinion doesn’t factor into this since you have already decided that you will not be buried there.”
“But you ARE responsible for looking out for your late wife’s wishes.”
“Her opinion is the only one that matters, and since she can’t actively provide it you need to do your best to be her voice.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I do not envy you this situation at all – do the best you can!” ~ Ohcrumbcakes
“NTA if you know your late-wife would not have wanted that, then you are making the correct decision.” ~ PurpleFlavoredCherry
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You have a difficult choice to make.
Honoring everyone’s wishes can be an impossible task.
Good luck.