When we imagine grandparents spending time with their grandchildren, we like to picture unconditional love, laughter, and irreplaceable memories being created.
It's hard to imagine grandparents having anything but the best of intentions for their youngest family members, but the lack of respect some grandparents show to new parents speaks volumes, stressed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor saltyseasoning21 was infuriated with her mother-in-law (MIL) and father-in-law (FIL) when she discovered that her mother-in-law had gone behind her back and had her baby daughter's ears pierced while babysitting her for the day.
When her parents-in-law expressed indignance over what they had done, the Original Poster (OP) swiftly decided she couldn't trust them to care for her child anymore.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to let my mother- or father-in-law (MIL or FIL) look after my daughter anymore?"
The OP made it clear how she felt about babies having pierced ears.
"I (32 Female) have a daughter (six months) with my husband (34 Male)."
"My husband is from a culture where it's not uncommon to pierce baby girls' ears. His mother started pestering me about getting my daughter's ears pierced from a few days after she was born."
"I made it clear that I would not be doing that and that I'd be waiting until she was old enough to ask for it herself."
"I don't think it's relevant, but we live in my country, where piercing babies' ears isn't common at all. It's not illegal, but it's certainly not common."
But the OP's mother-in-law decided to follow her own desires.
"My mother-in-law was looking after her at the weekend and decided to pierce them without my knowledge or consent."
"When I saw this, I about threw a fit. She was crying in pain, and I actually took her to the doctor to get their advice on whether or not to take them out."
"Our family doctor removed them as they were clearly bothering her."
The OP put a new boundary in place immediately.
"I decided at that moment that my mother-in-law and everyone else on that side of the family (except for my sister-in-law, who's on my side about this) is going to have no alone contact with my daughter ever again (or at least until she's a teenager and can speak for herself)."
"My worry is that she'll do the same thing again if I let them come back now, and to be frank, she's lost my trust entirely."
"I also told her that if she had a problem with that, I'd report what she did to the police."
"My husband is on my side, but he doesn't think it's as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be."
"Am I being unreasonable here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was not her mother-in-law's decision to make.
"NTA."
"Putting aside the cultural norm to pierce baby ears... they're not her parents. They don't get to make decisions like that."
"They knew you didn't want it done. And they chose to sneak around and do it behind your back."
"I would personally find out where they had them done and not only leave a review saying that they'll pierce a baby without parental consent but report the shop to whatever governing body they report to. Piercing a baby without parental consent is not okay." - janewilson90
"Absolutely NTA."
"I'm Italian and it's common here to pierce baby girls' ears early on. However, this has nothing to do with this. It has everything to do with trust and duty. You are the mother, and you and your husband are responsible for these decisions."
"Everyone else doesn't count. If MIL and FIL keep nagging about it, it's right for you not to trust them."
"You're not making a big deal out of it because trust IS a big deal. If they're willing to step over your boundaries now, they will do it again and may force your daughter to do things she doesn't want to do."
"They sound like those relatives who hug and kiss children when they're explicitly communicating they don't want to be hugged or kissed. Keep your daughter safe." - dwchiaraa
"NTA. Your MIL is very lucky that the pediatrician did not make a report to the police or children's protective service."
"She was told NO. She waited until you were not there to stop her and made a permanent modification to your child's body."
"She caused pain to a child who could not protect herself."
"She decided that her opinions and her culture were more important than yours and that SHE can override you, the child's mother."
"Your husband should respect that YOU are the mother of THIS baby. His mother has had a chance to be a parent. This is your turn." - Abject_Technician555
"NTA."
"She put holes in your child in deliberate violation of your clearly expressed prohibition. If there is a way back from this, it is entirely in their camp to even attempt to fix this. They haven't even tried, and definitely not enough time has passed for you to even consider it."
"I am living in a country where the cultural norm is to pierce baby girls' ears, but even here it is completely understood that nobody other than the parents can make that decision. No grandparent would reasonably expect to do that and ever see the child again." - Rikutopas
"MIL did not have the parents' permission to do this, so they could be held legally liable for this. I would also find out the place that did this and have them shut down. There are good quality places that do this that make sure that the baby is of a certain age and that parents have given permission."
"Evidently, MIL took the baby to a place that will pretty much pierce anyone's ears regardless of parental consent, and this place needs to be shut down."
"I myself would take it a step further and report MIL to the police for what was done." - WMS4YESHUA
Others were disgusted by how the MIL put her wishes before her daughter-in-law's.
"NTA."
"Your MIL demonstrated that she wanted to put her wishes ahead of you and your husband, and until your daughter is old enough to advocate for herself (which will be before her teenage years), it's reasonable that MIL and FIL don't get that one-on-one time."
"All of that being said, if you've historically had a good relationship with MIL and FIL, then I would work on some plan for resolution and for trust to be rebuilt. But that needs to be communicated by your husband as it's his family and he needs to manage them." - coastalkid92
"For me, there would be no possibility of ever trusting her again. You told her not to do it and she did it anyway. NTA." - rosezoeybear
"NTA. It is a form of assault. I know some cultures advocate this barbarous custom. F**k such cultures! And Granny, too."
"She had been given clear directions and she went directly against those. Good thing that your husband is behind you. A pity, though, that he doesn't think it is a big deal." - FragrantEconomis386
"NTA for the breach of trust and going against the parents' explicit wishes."
"With regard to the pierced ears, I come from a similar culture, but my mom chose to have me decide when I want pierced ears (she herself was wearing clip-on for most of her life and pierced her ears when I was old enough to remember it happening)."
"It takes a few days for the discomfort to go away and for the pierced ears to heal properly to retain the holes. I did this as a seven to 10-year-old girl and I remember I had to make sure they remained clean, avoid infection, and even treat them with disinfectant twice a day."
"A baby cannot do that, obviously, and it also cannot communicate properly if something is bothering it more or less. Now that the doctor has removed the medical earrings (I hope they were the medical ones that you wear at the start), there is a very high chance the holes will actually heal themselves completely." - atealein
"They mutilated your baby. In a modern world, body modification needs consent from the person who is going to have to live with the changes. Just because infant female ear piercings have been normalized in some cultures doesn't mean it's okay."
"NTA. They'd be lucky if I ever spoke to them again." - Schezzi
The subReddit was furious on the OP's behalf as well as her very young daughter, for whom she had attempted to advocate.
It would be one thing if the OP's mother-in-law had expressed an interest in piercing her granddaughter's ears and then respected her daughter-in-law's wishes to wait until she was a teenager. Differences of opinion are understandable. But instead of doing that and respecting those boundaries, the mother-in-law went behind the OP's back and pierced her granddaughter's ears anyway, actually resulting in an issue at the pediatrician's office.
The OP deciding to grant her in-laws any access to her daughter at all would honestly be a surprise to the subReddit, let alone babysitting privileges.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp