An ongoing fear siblings face for almost their entire lives is that their parents prefer their older or younger siblings.
Sometimes, this is paranoia more than anything else, with people simply reading into gestures made by their parents that give only the slightest hint they are prioritizing their siblings.
In some sad cases, though, their concerns not only might be accurate, but their parents might not even make an effort to hide their preference for one of their children.
Redditor Playful-Alfalfa9519 has two sons, one of whom drew a lucky card in life finding love and a lucrative career, while the other did not.
Worrying about her single, less financially stable son's future, the original poster (OP) made a drastic revision to her will.
A decision which angered her more stable son, causing a significant rift in their relationship.
Having doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for updating my will to award my less successful son a higher share of my assets?"
The OP explained why she felt compelled to make a sizable adjustment to her will, and how one of her sons reacted to this decision:
"I (66 F[emale]) have two children, Benjamin (36 M[ale]), and Jack (33 M)."
"Jack is in a good place in his life."
"He has a good job with a senior position in his industry, a long-term fiancée, a wide circle of friends, and whilst they're still renting, they're both currently saving for a house deposit."
"Benji on the other hand, despite being the oldest, has not done as well in life."
"Benji has never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend), and has no friends that he visits."
"He did give university a try, but left both times in his first year due to anxiety."
"Today he chooses not to work."
"Benji and I have been living alone together for the last 6 years now and I support him financially."
"I know that the situation is not ideal, however, I've long since come to terms with the fact that Benji is a square peg trying to fit into a world of round holes, and as I'm getting older I'm happy for his company."
"It's an arrangement that suits us both."
"I'm starting to get on in years and recently my thoughts have turned to my children and what they will do after I'm gone."
"A few months ago I decided to update my will, and asked Jack for a meeting to address the changes."
"I let him know that in my updated will almost all of my assets, both cash and property will going to Benji, however, I'll be giving him a cash amount to help with his house deposit (£10,000)."
"My reasoning for this is that I know full well Jack is capable of looking after himself after I am gone, but without assistance Benji will always struggle."
"He is simply never going to have what Jack has."
"Jack did not take kindly to the news."
"He said that I'm effectively punishing him for having succeeded in life, where his brother has been allowed to not try and fail his entire life, and is now being rewarded for 'choosing to remain a neat so he can suckle on mummies teat'."
"He said some more unkind things about his brother and at that stage I said that it was better that he leave until he could calm himself down."
"On the way out the door, he told me that this was not about money or assets, but was yet another instance of me 'favoring' and 'coddling' Benji the way 'I have done his entire life' (not true) and claimed we were in an 'emotionally incestuous relationship'."
"I told him to get out."
"This all went down 3 months ago and since then Jack will no longer accept my calls."
"He ignored my 66th birthday outright, not even a card, and at this stage, I am not expecting to see him at all for Christmas, so it's going to be just me and Benji as usual."
"Other family members have since become aware of the drama and are telling me that my decision is wrong and that by doing this I am driving a wedge further between Jack and Benji when their relationship is already strained."
"I love both my children equally, but I can't go to my grave knowing that Benji will be out on the streets suffering without me."
"I KNOW that Jack will NEVER have to struggle in the same way Benji has, so I don't know why he even needs the money in the first place."
"I am frankly disgusted by his greed and lack of concern for his brother's future."
"AM I THE A-HOLE for my decision?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community ultimately agreed with the OP's other family members and felt she was, indeed, the a**hole for giving almost her entire estate to Benji.
While some understood what motivated the OP's decision, they ultimately agreed with Jack in that the OP was coddling and enabling Benji's lack of self-sufficiency, and was clearly favoring Benji over Jack.
"YTA."
"You simply can't treat two of your children so differently and expect it not to cause problems."
"You casually say that it's 'not true' that you have favored or coddled Benji his entire life, but is it?"
"I wonder, and I suspect there's more than an argument to suggest that you HAVE favored him over Jack over a long period of time."
"One consideration that people should keep in mind, however, is exactly what Benji does whilst living at home."
"Does he shop for groceries, cook, clean, handle DIY, do the gardening or such?"
"As you grow older and may need more assistance, is Benji capable of being your full-time carer and would he be willing to act as such?"
"If he does none of those things and won't be your carer in the future, then you are absolutely coddling him and it has got to stop."
"If he's doing all the chores, keeping you company, and would care for you full-time in the case of illness, then that may deserve some small element of favoritism in your estate."
"It does not, however, deserve everything bar £10000 - that's preposterous."
"Why not consider some compromises?"
"For example, as Benji has no friends or partner, could you rejig the estate to buy a small flat for him now, and get him used to living alone etc?"
"Then when you pass away, your home could be sold with the profits, and any other remaining assets, split between both Jack and Benji."
"That way, Benji gets a stable manageable home and some money to live on, and Jack gets more than a £10k payment."- Chilling_Demon
"YTA."
"Complete AH, you can't give one child more because the other became self-sufficient."
"You picked a favorite."
"That's how your son Jack feels."
"What makes you think Benji will make good choices after you pass just because you gave him everything?"- ShoddyDevelopment49
"YTA."
"Jack is totally right."
"Jack didn't become successful magically."
"He worked hard for it."
"It's not his fault that his brother couldn't achieve anything of his own."
"You're not realising it, but you are indeed favouring Benji over Jack."- Ravenclaw_Lady
"YTA."
"You are awarding the lazy son and punishing the successful son."
"Their inheritance should be equal."
"Not only that, but by already supporting him, he is already getting way more."- oaksandpines1776
"YTA."
"Is the amount you're leaving Benji so much that he is set for life and doesn't have to lift a finger to live?"
"If not then whether you equally divided your estate or not, Benji is headed towards a destiny of being homeless and no amount of money or assets will change that."
"Instead you just burnt your relationship with Jack."- Seraxian
"I think you and Benji are in a codependent relationship and by sheltering him you are depriving him of possibilities to grow as a person."
"He could take measures to find ways for himself to be successful in his own ways."
"The world is not black and white and even as a square peg there are plenty of opportunities."
"But I guess for you the current arrangement is just too cosy."
"Jack is right, YTA."- Beneficial_Raisin_
"You may mean well, but sadly, YTA. Life has a way of throwing us all curveballs, and who knows what Jack or his family may need in the future."
"Would you be happy going to your grave knowing you gave everything to Benji and Jack and your potential grandchildren will struggle if he loses his job, becomes ill, or faces any number of setbacks?"
"If you love your children equally, you would leave your estate to them equally."
'Try and help Benji to plan for the future so that when you are gone he can live independently and know where to get assistance if he needs it."
"We never know what our future holds."- ElectricalTip4614
Worrying about your children comes in tandem with being a parent, so it's clear that the OP was only thinking about Jack being taken care of when she cannot.
However, rather than worrying about the future, perhaps the OP should be more concerned about the present.
As both she and Benji are still relatively young, all things considered, so there is still a fair amount of time for her to help her get Benji back on his feet, not to mention repair her relationship with Jack.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp