What should a person do when two major life events happen at the same time?
Do you attend a graduation or go to the hospital with a pregnant spouse? Do you attend a funeral or go to a child’s christening? Do you attend a wedding or go to someone’s deathbed?
There are no easy answers, and every family and family member would probably answer differently based on their individual relationships.
A father turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being faced with such a moral dilemma.
Wedding_father_8553 asked:
“AITA for telling my kid that she is being self-centered/cruel because her mom won’t be able to make to her wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My daughter’s (28, female) wedding is tomorrow. The problem is that my wife’s dad is in the hospital.”
“He has always been frail since he was moved into a home, and it took a turn for the worse, and now he is in the hospital. They don’t think he will make.”
“My wife’s sister says it looks bad, and she also isn’t coming up for the wedding anymore.”
“The original plan was for him to fly up for the wedding today (with the help of my wife’s sister), but he was hospitalized yesterday, and he is just getting worse. My wife has been distraught, and she made the decision to fly down (she is leaving tonight).”
“It was a tough decision because she will miss the wedding. I told her I would FaceTime her in for the ceremony and anything else, but to go be with her dad before he dies.”
“I also know she would be miserable if she were at the wedding to begin with. I doubt she would be able to put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay.”
“We called our daughter to explain, and she did not take it well. She called her mom a lot of names. My wife has been crying since.”
“Our daughter started to spam both our phones. I got into another argument with her, and I told her she is being self-centered and cruel about mom not being able to make it.”
“That her father is dying, and all you care about is your big day. I didn’t raise her to not have any empathy.”
“She told me that wasn’t fair and I told her it was. I told her to apologize to her mother.”
“She told me I shouldn’t come to the wedding if mom isn’t there.”
“My wife is very distraught and I am suppose to drive her to the airport in a few hours.”
“Are we in the wrong… my daughter 100% thinks we are in the wrong. My wife is distraught.”
The OP later added:
“I don’t get why some of you are acting like she is flying out to get lunch. He is dying, she wants to see him one last time before he is dead.”
“We have four kids in total. Yes, he is her grandfather on my wife’s side. My wife’s mom already died 7 years ago.”
“Granddad wasn’t super close to the kids, but that is my fault—we had to move for my job, and it became really hard to see the grandkids often.”
“He was still super close with my wife, his daughter, even though we moved.”
“He still sent birthday cards and was always happy to see the grandkids for holidays and would travel up for big events.”
“The overall relationship is good between everyone.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“AITA for telling my daughter she is being self-centered and cruel because her mom won’t be able to make it to her wedding? I could be an a** for telling her this and encouraging my wife to go see her dad before he passes.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“I would clarify for your daughter that she is right, that it isn’t fair. It’s not fair for her whose mom is going to miss her wedding, and that sucks.”
“It’s not fair to grandpa, it’s not like he chose this moment to be dying, and that sucks. It’s not fair to your wife, who was so happy and excited to see her daughter get married, but now instead of that happiness, she plans to be grieving her father, and that sucks.”
“It is unfair, but that doesn’t mean anybody is at fault. Sometimes the universe is just unfair.” ~ Character-Parfait-42
“The daughter is SO distraught her mother can’t attend her wedding, she even uninvited her father in retaliation? OK…” ~ starfire92
“Yup, this just blows all around. No one wants to miss their child’s wedding, especially not to be there when their parent is dying, but you kind of have to be.”
“This is just a sh*t sandwich, and everyone has to take a bite. I’d say NAH here because everyone is perfectly valid to feel how they feel and be where they are.”
“Sometimes life just sucks that way.” ~ LouSputhole94
“I was leaning N A H until the part about the daughter getting married, calling her mom a bunch of names, and uninviting her dad… that’s NTA.”
“Yeah, it is a really sucky situation all around, but it’s possible to be disappointed and upset without resorting to name-calling and icing out the other parent who had every intention of being there.”
“It’s a circumstance beyond anyone’s control, and it’s her own grandfather dying ffs… She took an already tough situation and made it worse with her selfishness, lack of empathy, and understanding.” ~ blushr00m
“The daughter does suck for calling her mom names and being rude about it. I would be devastated in this situation, but I can’t imagine calling my mom names over it and telling my dad he shouldn’t bother to show up without her. NTA.” ~ Dangerous-Variety-35
“NTA. This is a difficult situation all around.”
“I recommend you go to your daughter’s wedding. Your wife has her sister to comfort her if their Dad passes during the wedding day. You can join your wife after the wedding.”
“If your daughter turns you away from her wedding, or chooses not have you give her away, that is her choice. But, as a parent, it’s important that you show up.” ~ teresajs
“NTA. Daughter is the a**hole for making an awful situation for her mom 1000% worse with verbal and emotional abuse. The situation sucks for everyone, but that’s unconscionable behavior.” ~ nylanderfan
“A horrible situation all round. Your daughter’s reaction and behavior are totally unacceptable though.”
Does she not care that her grandfather is dying? Definitely not the ahole. NTA.” ~ theKinkypeanut
“It’s honestly shocking she’s shouting insults at her mother and not realising she can’t attend because her parent is dying. Holy hell, how self-centred can the daughter be to not even empathise with how difficult this must be for her mom?” ~ PrincessCG
“NTA. Your wife needs the opportunity to say goodbye to her father, and your daughter is being incredibly cruel. Honestly, you should fly with your wife as well since you are uninvited to the wedding.” ~ Doggondiggity
“For all you people saying OP and his wife are the a**hole, what’s wrong with you‽‽ They called the daughter to explain and she made an already horrible situation worse and called her mom names.”
“Of course, missing your daughter’s wedding is heartbreaking. Going to be by your father’s bedside as he’s dying is also heartbreaking.”
“I have 2 daughters, and as my mother, their grandmother, lay in the hospital dying last year, they were devastated. They are in their 20s, and not one of them would ever treat me that way if they were in the same position.”
“You know why? Because they’re loving and thoughtful young women who care about their family. They would understand the torment I’m experiencing.”
“If people cannot postpone a wedding for a serious event, you do NOT, I repeat, do NOT yell at people who need to be by their loved one’s deathbed.”
“Maybe the daughter needed a reality check after she acted like a horrible human being. She’s a grown woman, not a young child.”
“People making excuses about the daughter being under stress for the wedding? That doesn’t come close to the stress of a loved one dying.” ~ MerDes70
“NTA in any way. Your wife is about to lose her father.”
“As for your daughter, life isn’t fair, and it’s time for her to learn this lesson. Her grandfather is about to die and all she wants to do is throw a tantrum with no empathy.”
“She needs to suck it up and stop guilting her mother. Horrible behavior.” ~ anaisaknits
“I recommend wife go say goodbye to her father. I wish every day that I had that chance when my mom died. Your wife will regret it if she doesn’t.”
“As for your daughter, NTA, you were right to call her out.” ~ shayberrie
“If my grandfather were dying, I’d cancel my wedding and be there. Every time. No regrets.”
“Daughter is the a**hole. Yes, it sucks. But permanently losing someone you love sucks more.”
“Even if she continues with the wedding, expecting someone to be there who is losing a parent is the highest level of entitlement and brat-like behavior. Honestly, she sounds like she’s not mature enough to get married.”
“It’s okay that she is choosing to have the wedding (they’re expensive, I get it). It’s not okay to bully someone for not attending for this particular reason, even when it’s the mother of the bride.” ~ sammytheammonite
“Daughter isn’t wrong for being upset. She’s extremely wrong for treating her mom and dad so badly over the situation.” ~ fallriver1221
“Daughter IS an a**hole for the way she reacted. Disappointment is normal, spamming the phone and hurling insults while Mom is terrified and mourning are not.” ~ Reddit
It’s a horrible situation all around with no easy answers.
But how the daughter reacted was what the OP and Redditors took exception to.