The grieving process can be long and arduous.
For many, the process never ends; the weight of it just eases to be bearable.
Sometimes, loved ones will have the best of intentions when trying to help a person get through the pain, but their execution just causes more of it.
There is no one way to grieve, and there is no perfect timeline.
Redditor Immediate-Iron7241 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not enjoying the birthday gifts my friend got me that mocked my dead mother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (20 F[emale]) lost my mother 8 months ago, suddenly.”
“I have experienced a wave of emotion as I had a weird relationship with my mother and a lot of unsaid things.”
“I did not get to say goodbye to her, which pains me… Every. Single. Day.”
“I have a large group of friends, some from high school and some from Uni, who have all supporting me tremendously.”
“One specific friend, Kayla, I met in Uni.”
“I would not consider her my best friend, but she has been such an amazing support to me throughout this whole situation with my mom.”
“She always told me I could come to her for anything and would even pull me aside during social events to make sure I was doing okay.”
“Yesterday, my birthday, Kayla and a group of my other friends came over unannounced with party decorations, snacks, and even cake.”
“After the emotional morning I had due to the dread I had for my birthday coming, this made me cry.”
“I felt so seen and loved in this moment.”
“This lasted up until my friends brought gifts they had bought.”
“I opened two gifts before opening Kayla’s.”
“It was a large box.”
“I opened it with a huge smile on my face, and my friends all looked excited for me to see what was inside. “
“To my shock, there was a mug and a hoodie.”
“Both had a large, bold font saying ‘Motherless Behavior.'”
“I was in so much shock, I excused myself.”
“I ended up calling it a night, and they all left, Kayla muttering, ‘It was supposed to be funny’ as she passed by me to leave.”
“This morning I woke up with texts from some of my friends at the party reassuring me Kayla had no ill intent, and then I saw Kayla messaged me. “
“The message was LENGTHY, including many messages saying things like ‘it was of good intent. You embarrassed me. I was trying to lighten the situation.'”
“One message in particular that Kayla sent had gotten to me.”
“This message said, ‘after 8 months, you should be able to accept your mom’s death and joke about it. You’re self-sabotaging by holding on, and it’s ruining your friendships.'”
“I felt so sick.”
“This question is making me wonder if truly I am the a**hole and if I should be over my mother’s death.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I’m sorry for your loss and how inconsiderate your ‘friend’ was.”
“I’m more than twice your age and lost a parent two decades ago.”
“I would have been inconsolable receiving a gift like that.” ~ Snoobeedo
“I am sorry for your loss.”
“NTA at all.”
“I, almost three times your age, lost my mom two years ago last week and am still struggling at times.”
“There is never ever a timeline for grieving.”
“Still talk to her or write to her what you feel is unsaid.”
“Might help a bit. Hugs!” ~ jentlyused
“NTA. Grief has no timeline, and that ‘gift’ was cruel, not funny.”
“Did nothing wrong.” ~ coldcoffeeuwu
“A few years ago, I lost my father.”
“My family and I joke about my dad’s passing.”
“But WE started the joke, it wasn’t a random friend who had decided we’d grieved enough.”
“If someone had given this to me 8 months after my father passed away, I’d probably have punched them.” ~ JimeeB
“Totally agree.”
“I lost my mom a few years back and regularly joke about how she has the best excuse to miss events now or say something like ‘well, yeah, because she just had to die on me like that.'”
“But that is coming from me, the grieving party in this.”
“And not just a few short months after the loss, too!”
“Your ‘friend’ probably has not experienced a pain like this, especially with unresolved feelings in the mix as well, OP.”
“Take your time and give yourself the room to grieve.”
“If that means distance from the ‘friend’ – do that!”
“You have every right to take care of yourself in this hard time.”
“Nobody has a right to tell you when your grief should stop (spoiler alert: it never really does).”
“Take care!” ~ No_Professor606
“Absolutely agree.”
“I lost my mom going on 4 years ago now, and while I’ve always had a dark sense of humor and made jokes VERY quickly as a coping mechanism (like calling my best friend saying I joined a new club ((dead moms club)), I was still considerate enough not to make those jokes in front of some of my siblings, and my step father, who cope and grieve differently than myself and would’ve been much more hurt hearing them.”
“No one gets to decide that the way you’re grieving is incorrect or dramatic or overboard, or that you’re taking too long to get comfortable with the fact that someone you cared for deeply and have ALWAYS had around is now gone.”
“Your friend was being extremely inconsiderate, and any friends defending her are all unempathetic a**holes.” ~ IsabelRex
“I was 14 when my father died in 1980!”
“And a tender father-daughter moment in a movie can still get to me.”
“My narc mother died much more recently.”
“No qualms, although I miss the mother I wished she were.”
“There is no timetable for grief, and unless you have shared dark humour and made similar jokes in the past, you do not give physical gifts that rub salt in the wound.”
“And you don’t get pissed off when your jokes fall flat.”
“OP, I’m so so sorry.”
“Firsts are always hard, and you’re so young.”
“Be gentle with yourself and take your time to treasure the friends who understand and distance yourself emotionally from those who don’t.” ~ itamer
“That’s not your friend!”
“I’m almost double your age, and I lost my dad in 1999, and I would have been devastated and angry with a gift like that.”
“You could share with her how terrible her behavior was, or you could simply cut her off.”
“But please don’t subject yourself to shi**y people like that who act like they’re your friend.”
“I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom.”
“Take your time to grieve in whatever ways you need.” ~ Psychological-Pick78
“I’m 51 and lost my Mom almost exactly 5 years ago.”
“I still hide in the bathroom alone and cry for a few minutes on every holiday and ‘important date,’ because I miss her so much.”
“She always brought a little extra sparkle to every occasion, and it has never and will never be the same again.”
“OP, your friend’s gifts were cruel, heartless, and unbelievably inappropriate.”
“There’s nothing funny about losing a beloved parent- the grief can linger forever.”
“You are DEFINITELY NTA in this situation.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹.” ~ Legovida8
“If Kayla is decent at all, one day when she has lost someone important – even if that relationship is complicated – this will haunt her.”
“I have a dark sense of humor and make many a joke about my dead father.”
“But I would sob if someone who didn’t know and love him made this kind of joke.”
“I’m much older than you and have had more time, and if someone gave me a fatherless behavior mug, I am not sure I could be so gracious.”
“And here is the thing, even if she found it funny, you didn’t and hurt yourself.”
“A good friend’s reaction would have been to apologize immediately when it didn’t land.”
I hope Kayla and your other friends realize that you need an apology, and they need to be kinder about loss.” ~ goldenelr
“NTA, and I’m sorry for your loss.’
“Losing your mom is not something you move on from.”
“It’s something you learn to live with, and the waves of grief decrease.”
“Your ‘friend’ clearly has never had a significant loss, and her gift was completely inappropriate.”
“You didn’t embarrass her.”
“She embarrassed herself.” ~ javel1
“NTA, ‘It was of good intent. You embarrassed me. I was trying to lighten the situation.'”
“She sounds like she only cares about her image.”
“She’s less concerned with how her gift made you feel and more concerned about herself.”
“It’s like she does nice things to appear nice to everyone else.” ~ Present-Cut-7622
“Exactly this.”
“My initial thought was to say no a-holes, because maybe there was good intent and she genuinely thought it would make you smile, but she clearly missed the mark.”
“But her texts, especially the one it being time for her to get over it because it’s been 8 months, are definitely making the friend the a**hole.” ~ Commercial-Ask3416
“After 8 months is definitely not a sufficient amount of time to grieve the sudden loss of your mother at a young age.”
“My mom passed when I was 23, and I’m 27 now.”
“My dad recently made a drunken comment during the holidays about how I’m not great at hosting because I’m motherless and didn’t learn to be a good host.”
“He was totally joking around, and I’m not mad at him about it, but it still stung after 4 years of her passing.” ~ pinkimijina
Reddit understands how you feel, OP.
Your friend may not have had malicious intent, but it’s not for her to decide anything about your grieving process.
You do it all in your time.
You have to protect your feelings.
So sorry for your loss.