The grieving process can be long and arduous.
For many, the process never ends; the weight of it just eases to be bearable.
Sometimes, loved ones will have the best of intentions when trying to help a person get through the pain, but their execution just causes more of it.
There is no one way to grieve, and there is no perfect timeline.
Redditor Immediate-Iron7241 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not enjoying the birthday gifts my friend got me that mocked my dead mother?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (20 F[emale]) lost my mother 8 months ago, suddenly."
"I have experienced a wave of emotion as I had a weird relationship with my mother and a lot of unsaid things."
"I did not get to say goodbye to her, which pains me... Every. Single. Day."
"I have a large group of friends, some from high school and some from Uni, who have all supporting me tremendously."
"One specific friend, Kayla, I met in Uni."
"I would not consider her my best friend, but she has been such an amazing support to me throughout this whole situation with my mom."
"She always told me I could come to her for anything and would even pull me aside during social events to make sure I was doing okay."
"Yesterday, my birthday, Kayla and a group of my other friends came over unannounced with party decorations, snacks, and even cake."
"After the emotional morning I had due to the dread I had for my birthday coming, this made me cry."
"I felt so seen and loved in this moment."
"This lasted up until my friends brought gifts they had bought."
"I opened two gifts before opening Kayla's."
"It was a large box."
"I opened it with a huge smile on my face, and my friends all looked excited for me to see what was inside. "
"To my shock, there was a mug and a hoodie."
"Both had a large, bold font saying 'Motherless Behavior.'"
"I was in so much shock, I excused myself."
"I ended up calling it a night, and they all left, Kayla muttering, 'It was supposed to be funny' as she passed by me to leave."
"This morning I woke up with texts from some of my friends at the party reassuring me Kayla had no ill intent, and then I saw Kayla messaged me. "
"The message was LENGTHY, including many messages saying things like 'it was of good intent. You embarrassed me. I was trying to lighten the situation.'"
"One message in particular that Kayla sent had gotten to me."
"This message said, 'after 8 months, you should be able to accept your mom's death and joke about it. You're self-sabotaging by holding on, and it's ruining your friendships.'"
"I felt so sick."
"This question is making me wonder if truly I am the a**hole and if I should be over my mother's death."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I'm sorry for your loss and how inconsiderate your 'friend' was."
"I'm more than twice your age and lost a parent two decades ago."
"I would have been inconsolable receiving a gift like that." ~ Snoobeedo
"I am sorry for your loss."
"NTA at all."
"I, almost three times your age, lost my mom two years ago last week and am still struggling at times."
"There is never ever a timeline for grieving."
"Still talk to her or write to her what you feel is unsaid."
"Might help a bit. Hugs!" ~ jentlyused
"NTA. Grief has no timeline, and that 'gift' was cruel, not funny."
"Did nothing wrong." ~ coldcoffeeuwu
"A few years ago, I lost my father."
"My family and I joke about my dad's passing."
"But WE started the joke, it wasn't a random friend who had decided we'd grieved enough."
"If someone had given this to me 8 months after my father passed away, I'd probably have punched them." ~ JimeeB
"Totally agree."
"I lost my mom a few years back and regularly joke about how she has the best excuse to miss events now or say something like 'well, yeah, because she just had to die on me like that.'"
"But that is coming from me, the grieving party in this."
"And not just a few short months after the loss, too!"
"Your 'friend' probably has not experienced a pain like this, especially with unresolved feelings in the mix as well, OP."
"Take your time and give yourself the room to grieve."
"If that means distance from the 'friend' - do that!"
"You have every right to take care of yourself in this hard time."
"Nobody has a right to tell you when your grief should stop (spoiler alert: it never really does)."
"Take care!" ~ No_Professor606
"Absolutely agree."
"I lost my mom going on 4 years ago now, and while I've always had a dark sense of humor and made jokes VERY quickly as a coping mechanism (like calling my best friend saying I joined a new club ((dead moms club)), I was still considerate enough not to make those jokes in front of some of my siblings, and my step father, who cope and grieve differently than myself and would've been much more hurt hearing them."
"No one gets to decide that the way you're grieving is incorrect or dramatic or overboard, or that you're taking too long to get comfortable with the fact that someone you cared for deeply and have ALWAYS had around is now gone."
"Your friend was being extremely inconsiderate, and any friends defending her are all unempathetic a**holes." ~ IsabelRex
"I was 14 when my father died in 1980!"
"And a tender father-daughter moment in a movie can still get to me."
"My narc mother died much more recently."
"No qualms, although I miss the mother I wished she were."
"There is no timetable for grief, and unless you have shared dark humour and made similar jokes in the past, you do not give physical gifts that rub salt in the wound."
"And you don't get pissed off when your jokes fall flat."
"OP, I'm so so sorry."
"Firsts are always hard, and you're so young."
"Be gentle with yourself and take your time to treasure the friends who understand and distance yourself emotionally from those who don't." ~ itamer
"That's not your friend!"
"I'm almost double your age, and I lost my dad in 1999, and I would have been devastated and angry with a gift like that."
"You could share with her how terrible her behavior was, or you could simply cut her off."
"But please don't subject yourself to shi**y people like that who act like they're your friend."
"I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom."
"Take your time to grieve in whatever ways you need." ~ Psychological-Pick78
"I'm 51 and lost my Mom almost exactly 5 years ago."
"I still hide in the bathroom alone and cry for a few minutes on every holiday and 'important date,' because I miss her so much."
"She always brought a little extra sparkle to every occasion, and it has never and will never be the same again."
"OP, your friend's gifts were cruel, heartless, and unbelievably inappropriate."
"There's nothing funny about losing a beloved parent- the grief can linger forever."
"You are DEFINITELY NTA in this situation."
"I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹." ~ Legovida8
"If Kayla is decent at all, one day when she has lost someone important - even if that relationship is complicated - this will haunt her."
"I have a dark sense of humor and make many a joke about my dead father."
"But I would sob if someone who didn't know and love him made this kind of joke."
"I'm much older than you and have had more time, and if someone gave me a fatherless behavior mug, I am not sure I could be so gracious."
"And here is the thing, even if she found it funny, you didn't and hurt yourself."
"A good friend's reaction would have been to apologize immediately when it didn't land."
I hope Kayla and your other friends realize that you need an apology, and they need to be kinder about loss." ~ goldenelr
"NTA, and I'm sorry for your loss.'
"Losing your mom is not something you move on from."
"It's something you learn to live with, and the waves of grief decrease."
"Your 'friend' clearly has never had a significant loss, and her gift was completely inappropriate."
"You didn't embarrass her."
"She embarrassed herself." ~ javel1
"NTA, 'It was of good intent. You embarrassed me. I was trying to lighten the situation.'"
"She sounds like she only cares about her image."
"She's less concerned with how her gift made you feel and more concerned about herself."
"It's like she does nice things to appear nice to everyone else." ~ Present-Cut-7622
"Exactly this."
"My initial thought was to say no a-holes, because maybe there was good intent and she genuinely thought it would make you smile, but she clearly missed the mark."
"But her texts, especially the one it being time for her to get over it because it's been 8 months, are definitely making the friend the a**hole." ~ Commercial-Ask3416
"After 8 months is definitely not a sufficient amount of time to grieve the sudden loss of your mother at a young age."
"My mom passed when I was 23, and I'm 27 now."
"My dad recently made a drunken comment during the holidays about how I'm not great at hosting because I'm motherless and didn't learn to be a good host."
"He was totally joking around, and I'm not mad at him about it, but it still stung after 4 years of her passing." ~ pinkimijina
Reddit understands how you feel, OP.
Your friend may not have had malicious intent, but it's not for her to decide anything about your grieving process.
You do it all in your time.
You have to protect your feelings.
So sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp