Generosity is something that can be given... but never expected.
Even so, many people come to expect their friends and family to make truly generous offers and gifts.
Particularly friends who are clearly better off than they are.
In some cases, people not only expect this generosity but feel as if they are owed it.
Redditor NoDatabase10 recently came into some good luck.
Good luck which the original poster (OP)'s family felt he needed to share with them.
As they felt that they were more than responsible for his unexpected change of circumstance.
Wondering if he was being greedy, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to share my lottery winnings with my family, even though I used the family numbers?"
The OP explained why his family felt that he owed them:
"I (22 M[ale]) recently won a decent amount of money in the lottery."
"Not a massive jackpot, but enough to be life changing for me: pay off debts, buy a small apartment, and invest a bit."
"Now for the context."
"In my family, there's been an informal tradition for years."
"On my grandma's birthday, someone usually plays lottery numbers based on important family dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.)."
"Sometimes we play together, sometimes everyone plays on their own."
"There has never been an explicit agreement that if someone wins, the money gets shared."
"It was always treated as a fun tradition."
"This time, I played alone, with my own money, but I used those dates (to be specific, grandma's birthday day, month and year, my dad's birthday day, and the day and month i graduated)."
"I won."
"When I told my family at first, it was all celebration."
"Then the comments started:"
"'These are family numbers'."
"'Without the tradition, you wouldn't have won'."
"'It would only be fair to share, even just a little'."
"Some relatives are genuinely struggling financially (unemployment, debt), others aren't. I told them I'm not going to split the prize because:"
"I paid for the ticket myself."
"There was never any agreement to share winnings."
"If I had lost (like I did many times before), no one would have reimbursed me."
"Money changes dynamics, and I don't want to become the family ATM (not that i won enough to be called an ATM but you get it)."
"That said, I did offer to help in specific situations (like, helping with a small debt once or twice), but not to divide the prize."
"This was seen as arrogant and selfish."
"One aunt even said I 'got rich off the family'."
"Now part of my family isn't speaking to me, and they're treating me like I betrayed everyone."
"My parents are split: they say I'm technically right, but that sharing would avoid conflict."
"AITA for not sharing the winnings, even though I used numbers tied to my family?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not sharing his lottery winnings with his family.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was in no way obligated to share their winnings, though most also agreed that it would have been wiser for the OP to keep his winnings a secret if he didn't plan on sharing it with them:
"NTA."
"But if you didn't plan to share the wealth, why did you tell them?"
"The cardinal rule is keep mum about it or massively downplay how much you won."- keeplauraweird
"NTA."
"If they played 'the family numbers', they could have won too."
"Let the gold diggers be mad, if you're lucky, they may even block you."- KaijuAlert
"NTA."
"But you probably should've kept it a secret."- toywithmaee
"Aaaaah money."
"The biggest divider in this world."
"Yeah."
"You're absolutely right on all accounts, your parents need to be asked why YOU are the one 'keeping the peace' while everyone else is an unapologetic jerk to you - THEY are rocking the boat, you aren't."
"NTA."
"If that needs any clarification."
"Congrats and keep the money for yourself."- gameresse
"NTA."
"Families like this are why so many lottery winners end up broke and why JG Wentworth has so many commercials."
"Get yourself to a financial planner and CPA before you spend a cent on anyone, including yourself."-ExtensionFun7772
"NTA."
"This is like the people who get upset about someone 'stealing' their kid's name."
"Fuuuuuuuck off, you don't own 'Sarah' or 'Carl'!"
"They don't own those numbers."
"Those numbers can come up randomly FFS."
"They SHOULD be happy for you."
"One aunt even said I 'got rich off the family'."
"The family didn't lose anything."
"The family didn't provide anything."- Noun-Noun-randomNum
"NTA."
"Now you are seeing why most people don't share that they won the lottery."- Sad-File3624
"You were foolish to tell people you won."
"What you should have done is wait a few months and then said you used the numbers for that particular week by picking random numbers."
"But hindsight is a great thing."
"The fact that these people are not pleased for you and instead are demanding a share means not only are they greedy, but they are not putting you or your future first."
"NTA."
"We all walk our own path in life."
"There was nothing stopping them from doing the numbers."- Andagonism
"You used your grad date, is that part of the numbers?"
"If no, I'd argue that you used some family numbers but not all, and if they'd played that draw, they would not have won, therefore it is a different set of numbers."
"To answer the question, NTA, and now you know their true colors."
"None of us know how we'll react until it happens."- 2300abar
"NTA."
"But stupid for telling your family anything."
"Your family sucks, keep the money for yourself."
"They will find a way to resent you if you help or not."
"They are d*cks."
"Make your life better and move on, cut ties if necessary."- f*ckinjess
"NTA."
"If I win £100 million on Euromillions, everyone I'm related to who talks to me gets a million or two minimum."
"People I like or who are more closely related to me would get more."
"If I win £100k it's mine, no sharing."- FoxedforLife
"NTA."
"But money has already changed the dynamics."
"'Family numbers' is not a thing in the real world; they do not own those numbers."
"If I had won this lottery money with your family's numbers, would they come after me?"
"They can ask, but need to be able to accept 'no'."
"I do find it a bit tacky that they even asked, unless in real need, but it's even tackier to make a fuss when the person says no."
"Make sure you don't give in to their guilt, they will keep coming back for more."-Objective_Hawk_284
"NTA."
"Most winners keep that they won to themselves for this exact reason."
"Don't give them money, unless you get a written, legally binding contract that they'll pay you back or accept it as a one-time gift."
"You don't owe them money, Cover Your A**."
"DO NOT agree to give any money to anyone, verbally or in writing."- Resident-Priority-38
"NTA."
"Next time don't tell people how you won or if you can avoid it, that you won at all."
"Money often brings problems."- greentreemoss
"NTA."
"Nothing brings out the worst in people like money."
"Hopefully, they'll see how unreasonable they're being and back off."
"If not, then I guess you learned a lot about who actually cares about you."- Live_Koala2163
"NTA."
"You bought the ticket, you won the prize."
"Family is not entitled to your winnings."- iiiamash01i0
"NTA."
"You paid for it."
"You chose the combination of numbers."
"They don't own the numbers and they didn't pay for it."
"You can choose to help but remember that once you open that floodgate, others will try to find ways to get some of that money too."
"Learn the lesson now not to talk about money."- Sensitive-Union-3944
The OP later returned with an update, offering some clarity as to why they chose to tell their family about their lottery win:
"Why did I tell them in the first place?"
"I didn't see winning as creating any obligation to split the money, so it honestly didn't occur to me that telling them would be an issue."
"I told them out of transparency, not to tease or mislead anyone."
"At the time, I genuinely expected them to be happy that the tradition worked for once, not to see it as something I owed them."
"I would have told them regardless, even if the numbers had been completely random."
"Now, after this whole thing and reading some of the comments, I'm not so sure I would."
If the OP's family had chipped in for the lottery ticket, then it would only be right that they partake in the winnings.
However, as this was a solitary purchase by the OP, it's rather hard to see how any of them think they're entitled to any of this money.
Even if the OP hadn't used the "family numbers", one imagines they wouldn't have felt any less entitled to his money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp