Families with children in the United States pay a lot of money for childcare.
Whether just after-school care or all day care for babies and toddlers, childcare needs are a significant part of the monthly budget for those who pay for childcare services.
As of 2022, average costs for childcare is as much as $15.4k annually—about $1,300 monthly—for childcare according to the United States Department of Labor. However some areas are much lower while others are much higher than the national average.
With that in mind, arranging free or low cost childcare is something expectant parents try to line up even before their child arrives.
But what if you made arrangements with a family member for free childcare then before your child is born they decide to charge money for their services?
A mom-to-be struggled with this situation so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Cool_Ask_2773 asked:
"AITA for not wanting to pay my mom for babysitting my soon to be newborn?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I, 22-female, am 7.5 months pregnant with our first baby. My husband, 22-male, is currently in grad school, so a decent portion of our income is going to his tuition."
"We're comfortable, but we just can't afford 2k+ a month in daycare fees (which yes, that's what it costs around here and since space is limited most places are requiring full time attendance when we'd only need 3 days) and all the baby's needs."
"About a year ago my mom, 49-female, came to us asking when we were going to have children seeing as she's getting older and wants to be able to be an active part of our child's life. We told her that right now we couldn't afford daycare for a potential baby with my husband's tuition."
"My mom reassured us that she'd happily watch our potential baby 3 days a week while we're both working."
"I told her my husband and I would take that info and get back to her."
"My mom doesn't work. She was a stay-at-home mom and my dad 'retired' her after my younger siblings moved out."
"After a couple of days of debating, I texted my mom to assure that she would have no problem watching our potential child, which she eagerly said 'absolutely'."
"I didn't feel comfortable not paying my mom anything, so my husband and I discussed it and agreed to paying my mom $1,000 per month for childcare and for any needs the baby has while in her care."
"I wanted to pay her because my husband and I see it as the right thing to do. She's a stay at home wife, so would be giving up her free time to care for an infant that isn't hers, and we thought, and still think, the right thing to do is pay for her time."
"So, we called my mom and told her that we'd be willing to pay her, and if that was good we'd start taking steps to have a child. She was thrilled and she once again said that we 'absolutely don't have to pay her, and that spending time with her grandchild was most important'."
"It's been almost a year since that conversation, and any time childcare is brought up with her around she jumps in saying that she's doing it for free and my husband and I are lucky to have a mom like her (which we are)."
"I stopped offering [to pay her] and told her again that I greatly appreciate what she'd be doing amongst other things after she told me she'd tear up any compensation I give to her."
"As recently as a month ago my mom said that if we tried to pay her anything she'd 'rip up the check'."
"Today my mom and I were at lunch and she asked 'how should I expect to be paid for babysitting every month? Will you guys split up the $1,000 weekly, biweekly, or one lump sum every month?'."
"I was taken aback at that question because for nearly a year she's been insisting that she'd do it for free, and we hadn't been planning on paying her any more than baby expenses because of that."
"I told her this, and she responded 'it's wrong to MAKE your elderly mother watch an infant and not pay her!'."
"I was only surprised because not accepting payment was something she was deadlocked on."
"We ended our lunch early because we were both upset and confused. I didn't deny paying her, I asked her about refusing to be paid."
"I was trying to figure out what was happening, what money she was asking about. She left almost immediately after and I didn't get a chance to even say bye before she left."
"She cut lunch short and told me she was 'disappointed' in me before she left, so I'm really confused and wondering if I did something wrong."
"All I said to her was I thought she didn't want to be paid because I was so confused, I don't believe that's shutting down a convo but trying to get more info. Was there a better way I could have phrased it?"
"I'm genuinely trying to figure out where I went wrong."
"My mom left before we could discuss it more and set something up. Then by the time I got home my dad, 53-male, had already called my husband about it saying that he's not taking sides, but he did expect us to be paying my mom so I am even more confused about the whole thing."
"I will pay her if she starts watching the baby now that I know she wants to be paid. I had no idea she wanted to be paid after making a big show for the past year-ish about not wanting to be paid."
"She hasn't picked up my calls… dad said she needs time to think."
"So AITA??"
The OP summed up their conundrum.
"I told my mom we didn't intend on paying her anymore, but both my mom and dad said they were expecting us to."
The OP added:
"We ARE still willing and able to pay her, I was just really taken aback after being told for nearly a year we didn't have to."
"We made [our decision to have a child] based off of the information we were given, which is really all one can do. We also came up with backup plans in case my mom isn't able to watch our baby."
"My husband was going to drop to 3 classes a semester instead of taking 6, so that would give us 2 of the 3 days we needed, and I was going to use my vacation time to take off the last day. Unfortunately it would suck because my husband only has 2 semesters left not including this one, so it would double the time for him to finish grad school."
"My problem isn't paying, it's the fact that she didn't tell me she changed her mind and just leaped into a 'how are you paying me' convo out of the blue (we were talking about flowers at the time)."
"My only problem is that she didn't disclose the change to us and just expected it without discussion. We have no problem paying, but it would be nice to be told 'hey, I actually would appreciate being paid, can we figure something out?'."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors mostly decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Oof. Bait and switch. You are NTA."
"It would seem your mother has changed her mind about accepting your payment offer though. This doesn't make her TA either but man, her communication is lacking."
"If you still want her to watch your child, I'd just reiterate the offer of $1,000 per month—stipulate how you will pay it and leave it at that. Miscommunications happen, I would try not to read too far into this." ~ IamIrene
"NTA. You and your husband were not even planning to have a child at this time due to expenses. Your mother guilted you into having your child earlier than you had previously planned so that she could be involved."
"You were trying to be financially responsible but changed your plans due to her insistence that she would babysit for FREE. She guilted and manipulated you to get her way, and now is reneging on the deal she insisted upon making with you."
"I would be angry. I would tell her if you're going to be paying for childcare you'll just take them to daycare."
"Your mother had no problem lying to you to get what she wanted, a baby. And it's not about the money. It's about her willingness to deceive you to get her way." ~ TeachingClassic5869
"NTA based on the post."
"I think you need to sit your mom down and explain that you're more than happy to pay her but she's the one who has been saying she didn't want to be paid and you've spent the last 7.5 months budgeting accordingly."
"If she wants or expects something she needs to actually communicate that with you and not just say things she doesn't mean—like she refuses to be paid—then get angry when you're confused." ~ coppeliuseyes
Many noted the 49-year-old mother's choice to call herself "elderly."
"49 ≠ elderly!"
"Her saying that makes her come across as absurd. So I'm gonna guess that you are not the bad guys here. NTA." ~ notforcommentinohgoo
"I have a 50 year old friend with a 12 & 9 year old. Mom is not elderly."
"NTA. If she wants to be paid, she can use her big girl words and say that after some reconsideration or after looking at logistics, it would be better for her if she was paid."
"There was a much better and more adult way for her to handle this." ~ SmutWithClass
"I had the same reaction. What kind of adult human considers themselves ELDERLY when they're not even 50 yet. WTF?" ~ captainhowdy82
A few people opted for the OP being the a**hole (YTA) or everyone being awful (ESH).
But other Redditors chalked it up to reading comprehension...
"The YTAs might be coming from them just reading the title and not the full post." ~ Proof-Elevator-7590
...as the YTA and ESH all cited the OP's "unwillingness to pay."
The OP later added:
"I think something is going on with [mom]. My dad said she's been having mood swings the past couple of weeks."
"I think she might be coming to terms with the fact that she's ACTUALLY going to be a grandparent."
It sounds like some conversations need to happen here before the blessed event.
Whether or not mom provides childcare seems to be undecided right now, but the baby isn't going to wait for a decision.
Ready or not, here they come.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp