There are a lot of in-law jokes, but part of the humor comes from people’s ability to relate to the situation.
When a person gets married, they join a group of people who have a lifetime of interactions shaping their behavior and relationships.
Anyone coming into that environment will be at a disadvantage. Having a strong ally in their significant other is crucial to the marriage’s survival.
A relative newlywed turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
No-Situation2950 asked:
“AITA for telling my husband I don’t want his mom to stay with us for two months in our one-bedroom apartment?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My (31, female) husband (30, male) and I have been married for a few months. His father passed away recently, and understandably, his mother is grieving.”
“My husband and his sister have been trying to support her. The issue is this: my mother-in-law may come stay with us for two months in our one-bedroom apartment.”
“Our apartment is small. I work from home full-time, we have a cat, and we only have one bathroom. My husband works in-office three days a week.”
“My husband suggested setting up a futon for her in the living room. But still. She’s really gonna sleep like that for 2 months and share the living room with our cat? My cat isn’t going anywhere and she doesn’t like cats.”
“And I’m certainly not giving up my bedroom so she can share the bed with my husband—my room being the only piece of sanity I’ll have.”
“His sister and her husband are also expecting their in-laws to visit during that time, so they can’t host the mother-in-law, and the MIL apparently doesn’t feel comfortable around them anyway. So she wants to stay with us—even though we have less space and privacy.”
“I initially asked for a six-month buffer before having family stay over long-term—just so we could adjust to marriage and living together. That boundary was acknowledged verbally, but now it’s being brushed aside because of ‘family duty’.”
“I said I’d be okay with a 3-week visit, but anything longer feels really overwhelming, especially in such a small space. I’ve also suggested an Airbnb, which I could probably help pay for, but my husband and his sister don’t see that as reasonable.”
“Now I feel like I have only three options: 1. Say yes and live in stress for 2 months 2. Move to a two-bedroom (which we can’t afford right now) 3. Leave.”
“My husband says I’m catastrophizing and making this harder than it is. But I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed—that if I don’t agree, I’m cruel, ungrateful, or selfish.”
“I don’t hate my MIL. However, she did fat-shame me the day after my wedding and expects me to help with domestic duties without asking my husband to lift a finger.”
“I mostly just value having boundaries and privacy, especially during a vulnerable time in our marriage. I’ve tried to compromise but feel completely cornered.”
“AITA for standing firm on not wanting a 2-month stay in our one-bedroom apartment—even after a death in the family?”
The OP later added:
“She is currently staying with—and can stay with—my husband’s sister who has the space, but she doesn’t want to during that time, since her daughter’s in-laws will be visiting for 1.5-2 months, hence the duration for her staying with us.”
“My MIL herself has said she just wants to stay with my husband/her son. His mother is highly dependent on others. She relied on her husband for everything. We’re South Asian.”
“I told my husband prior to marriage that I would not be OK living with my in-laws.”
“My husband keeps changing the goalposts. I understand it’s a tragic situation and everyone is in shock.”
“But I deserve some clear boundaries and timelines which he just is unable to provide me. I told him I’d be comfortable with a month maximum given the tight space, and he said, ‘too bad, she has to come for 2 months’.”
“I just don’t think I am being taken into consideration at all, so my empathy—which is usually very vast—is running dry.”
“This has also caused so much tension between my husband and me simply because I have severe anxiety, and he won’t give me any timelines or confirmations of anything. The uncertainty is too much for me.”
“Because I have no probably going to stay with my family but I need a timeline for that.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My husband wants his mom to stay with us, and I’m saying no. I wanna know if I’m the a**hole for having boundaries.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You need to stand your ground here. Frankly, your husband’s lack of any consideration for you and your concerns should be more concerning to you than anything else.”
“You have a small apartment you work from home, he works from home a couple of days a week, how in the hell are you supposed to function properly at work in a small apartment with her there all the time?”
“And by the way, you should tell him that she can’t even spend one night in your apartment unless he make sure that she stops the f*cking comments about your body or acting like you’re responsible for all the domestic chores.”
“There’s a lot of red flags in this. But what comes through is your husband’s complete lack of any respect or consideration for you there’s a way here to compromise and help his mother while also making sure that you’re comfortable in your own home.” ~ BestConfidence1560
“NTA. Tell your husband he’s welcome to go stay with his mom in her home in for 2 months.”
“Alone working from home in a one-bedroom apartment makes it impossible for her to stay with you. If you have meetings and confidential discussions, she isn’t allowed to hear them.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“I just had to read the title to know you’re not the a-hole. That’s a big crazy ask.. and tell him you can do a month around when his sister can do a month.. she can stay with relatives at home for awhile before/after…. ask a girlfriend if you can stay over for a week in the middle.”
“You’re not catastrophizing… this is unreasonable… I get it’s a s***** situation, but like I think his 2 months may turn into forever. If there’s no long-term plan after these two months? I think you’re the long-term plan… this is a hill you can die on.”
“We have a one bedroom apartment, 1 bath, 1 cat. I’m happy to have my out-of-town friends stay overnight, but really, even one or two nights feels like a big imposition. It is just not enough space… NTA.” ~ vron987
“She’s never going to leave. Speaking about family duty reiterated this.”
“The fact is that this is marriage ending as you are being shown by all of them exactly where they see you. Did they not have plans in place if this scenario happened? Most probably exactly what they are doing now.”
“NTA, but you are surrounded by them.” ~ Irish_EyesDublin
“NTA, but I don’t think that’s going to matter much here. I would be willing to bet that the verbal agreement you got about long-term family stays was lip service, that your husband knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later, and that you would have to adjust to it and accept it.”
“That’s an unkind read on your husband, but insisting on three adults living in your one-bedroom apartment when there are other options, just not preferred ones, is unreasonable. “
“So, realize that she is coming, whether you like it or not, and that you know your options and have to make a choice. I do want to point out that I don’t think that the space of a two-bedroom is going to solve the problems you see, and that you should remove it from consideration.”
“So, stay and suffer or leave. I’m sorry OP, but the writing should have been on the wall prior to FIL’s death, and this situation just makes it imminent.” ~ rockology_adam
The OP provided an update:
“Husband finally talked to MIL to try and put his foot down and told her if she MUST come then he’ll get her an Airbnb and he’ll stay with her there so I can have my peace and WFH undisturbed.”
“And she responded with, ‘better I just go back to India. I was just coming for you two. Tell her I’m not a child, I won’t make noise. You guys are gonna be together for a long time so you better figure this out’.”
“Husband and I have decided on separation, mutually. He’ll be moving out by the end of the month so his mommy has a place to stay with just him—not me—indefinitely. My peace of mind and privacy are too important to me.”
In a separate post, the OP shared:
“My husband I were together for over a year before getting married. It’s been six months since the wedding. We’re both South Asian, living in Canada.”
“On the surface, we looked compatible, like two intellectual, emotionally intense people. But the truth is, I’ve been unraveling from the inside out trying to make this work.”
“He lied about watching porn for two months of our relationship and gaslit me hard about it, even going so far as to say he wasn’t watching it and instead drinking more coffee at work—he’d watch it in the single stall bathroom at his office.”
“I found out he had been hiding it, and when I confronted him, he admitted he used to fantasize about women who had rejected him even while having sex with me. That shattered me. I felt like a placeholder, a body for him to use while his mind wandered elsewhere. I gave him my body, my loyalty, my care, and it still wasn’t enough.”
“Eventually he stopped, but only after enough emotional damage had been done to hollow me out. I kept forgiving. I kept trying to believe we could heal. He recently admitted he was only honest cause he wanted to break up with me.”
“Before we got married, his mother told him he should abandon me in Canada and come back to India. She said he should marry someone younger because I’m his age and ‘look older than him’. He told me this as if it were a joke. He never stood up for me.”
“She later fat-shamed me the day after our wedding and told me my anxiety wasn’t real, that I just needed to pray it away. Again, he defended her. Again, I was told to be the bigger person.”
“When his father died, I tried to be there for him. But instead of grieving with me, he demanded that his mother move into our one-bedroom apartment. I said no, I was struggling too, and needed space.”
“He told me to ‘get the f*ck out of his house’ if I didn’t agree to contribute more financially so we could get a two-bedroom for her. At the time, only his name was on the lease. I’ve since added myself. And now, he’s the one leaving.”
“He made fun of my work. Mocked my Instagram. Dismissed my anxiety. If I cried, I was manipulative. If I asked for reassurance, I was clingy. If I pulled away, I was abandoning him. Every boundary I tried to set was twisted into proof that I was difficult, unstable, or too much.”
“I started getting physically sick from the stress. Gut issues, panic attacks, insomnia. I stopped sleeping. I stopped feeling safe in my own body. I was constantly walking on eggshells around someone who claimed to love me.”
“We’ve now agreed to a trial separation. He’s moving out this week. We said we’d ‘see how it goes’, but I already know.”
“I don’t hate him. But I hate what I became in this marriage. I feel grief. I feel relief. I feel like I’m finally telling the truth!”
While it’s admirable to want to help a grieving mother, this is a big ask.
Particularly in a one-bedroom apartment… and the OP’s past history with her MIL.
Getting fat-shamed at your wedding by your MIL is a hard thing to forgive or forget.
Perhaps MIL should appreciate the generous offer to stay for three weeks by her DIL.
But we completely understand why the OP would want a trial separation given all the deep issues in her marriage.