When a family internationally travels with small children, it likely would be useful to have a pair of helping hands along for the trip.
But their involvement should be determined before the trip, not during, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor pinkbear124 found this out the hard way when she offered for her children’s nanny mid-trip to go and explore the city on her own.
But when her husband told her that her offer had ruined his plans for the rest of the vacation, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was wrong not to discuss her offer to him beforehand.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for giving our nanny time off while on vacation without speaking to my husband about it first?”
The OP offered for her nanny to explore Paris on her own.
“My family went on vacation to Paris (9 days), and we took our children’s nanny, Hannah, with us.”
“Hannah mentioned how she had never been to Paris before and there were so many places she’d like to see one day if she ever had the chance to come back.”
“I told her she could always go see them now as we were already in Paris, but she didn’t think the kids would enjoy the places she wanted to go.”
“I told her not to worry about the kids and she could have the rest of our time in Paris to herself (for the 5 remaining days).”
The OP’s husband wasn’t happy when he found out he wasn’t included in this decision.
“That same day, my husband told me he had made dinner reservations for the two of us.”
“I told him we would have to take the kids because I gave Hanna some time off.”
“He asked me why I would do that, and I explained the conversation we had.”
“He was upset and told me he wanted to spend some time with me, which was the reason he had told me to ask Hannah to come to Paris with us.”
“I told him we would still be spending time together but as a family, which would be good for the children who don’t get to spend as much time with their dad as I wish they did.”
Their disagreement soured the rest of the trip.
“Even though we had a good time as a family, he was still upset with me by the time we flew home and still insists that I should’ve spoken to him first, even though he usually leaves things regarding Hannah and the kids up to me.”
“He’s also suggested the next time we go somewhere, we should leave the children at home with Hannah for a few days, which caused a fight between us as he knows I would never in a million years agree to that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the husband’s reaction was telling.
“Softly YTA. Major YTA for your husband! You didn’t communicate with each other during the vacation, no real biggie.”
“His getting upset about not having much one-on-one time with you, and copping that attitude all the way back is over the top.”
“Did your husband even want kids?! Not saying that to be mean, but you haven’t painted him as an involved father…” – Head_Photograph9572
“I have a feeling your husband likes to call himself a dad without actually being one. He seems to work a lot, he doesn’t spend any time with your kids, and when you do have ‘family time,’ your nanny Hannah is always there.”
“Am I correct? Generally speaking, I do think you should have talked to him before giving her five days off out of nine but at the same time, I have a feeling you’re leaving out A LOT.”
“You’re NTA, mainly because I suspect that you need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you that there’s something wrong with your marriage. Take care OP, I hope you, Hannah, and the kids are going to be okay.” – ProgrammerBig6254
“She specifically said in the post that he does not spend much time with the kids. Also, she specifically stated that everything to do with the kids (including the nanny) was her responsibility.”
“Therefore, there would be no room to call her a negligent mom for wanting extra help. We had further proof of this because she gave the nanny time off and was perfectly happy to spend all the extra time with her kids for the rest of the vacation.”
“Spending time alone with your spouse is great, but having such an angry reaction over having to hang out with your own children on vacation is weird, IMO (in my opinion).” – healthnut626
“NTA. And it’s really cool that you like being with your kids. Kids need to know that their parents value their bond with them!!” – CommitteeGullible876
But others thought the OP should have discussed this with her husband first.
“Here’s the biggest issue for me. It’s unfair to OP’s husband that he’s negatively affected by her decision which he was left out of.”
“This isn’t a small thing to lose your planned childcare, that changes EVERYTHING.”
“Sorry, but you can’t just say, ‘Oh, we’ll bring the kids along with us,’ and assume that’ll be fine. A lot of activities that the husband may have planned for just you two aren’t going to work as family activities instead.” – SANTAAAA__I_know_him
“If it was a reservation type place, it was likely too fancy for children to be appropriate to bring, and also possibly not able to accommodate a change in table size anyway.” – april08101989
“Honestly, I think OP is the AH in this. She unilaterally decided something that both of them paid for.”
“While I generally think it‘s awesome she gave Hannah some time off, she should‘ve talked this out with her husband, especially since it was more than half the time of the vacation.”
“If OP had said, ‘Take the rest of the day off and we will see what else we can do,’ I could give her a pass and agree on NAH, but since she just did it like this, she is YTA in my opinion.”
“This was a service for both of them that she just ‘canceled’ basically. If she had her own special masseuse only for her with them and sent them off, that’d be chill.”
“Since the nanny does services for both parents, she can’t just send her away.” – SenpaiRanjid
“Yeahhh, this is definitely a ‘duh’ moment. I totally agree with some time off but I don’t think the husband could have picked a more overtly romantic getaway for OP to not read the room so badly.” – Brilliant_Key_9391
“This is full-on ‘y’all need couples therapy’ s**t.”
“She can’t seem to communicate to save her life, and he can’t seem to put work down and spend time with the kids.”
“This seems like her trying to force family time, while he’s trying to maintain the status quo.”
“They both need to give, and they really really seem to need a mediator for it if her thought process was, ‘I’ll make him pay for the nanny to come to Paris then give her more than half the vacation off!'” – GodspeedandGoodnight
Some also pointed out that there could have been a way to make everyone happy.
“A really good approach would have been to give her the rest of the day and then discuss with her husband further.”
“Frankly, I’m sure Hannah would have been thrilled for just days off and working nights.”
“Then the family would get the bonding during the day, the nanny would get to be a tourist on her own, and the parents would get time together at night for dinners or concerts and the like.” – Ninjasydney
“When my sister nannied and went on vacation with the family, they had it all worked out beforehand.”
“They basically asked her for the 10 hours a day she normally works for them. Some of that, she had the kids to herself, so the parents had alone time, and some of it, she went with the family as an extra set of hands.”
“The other 6 or so waking hours, she was free to entertain herself. Days were different whether morning, afternoon, or evening off, but they gave her a schedule, so she could plan her own time.” – human060989
“NAH, but you guys should work on communicating better. It seems like your husband wants to spend some alone time with you which is totally fine. It’s easy to forget that you’re not just parents but also in a romantic relationship.”
“You on the other hand want to spend some quality time as a family which is valid, too. And it’s absolutely okay to give the nanny some time off as well.”
“This needs to be an ongoing conversation on how to manage both expectations. For the future I suggest planning the next day in the evening before.” – AngryPsychologist
“So your husband wants to spend time with you. That’s something that can work. Spend a couple of nights in a neighboring city at a hotel with your husband while the nanny watches the kids. Carving out date nighttime is healthy in a marriage.” – Mountain_Monitor_262
“NAH. It was a nice thing to do for the nanny, but it should’ve been discussed with your husband so you could coordinate plans and I think a day or two would’ve been better instead of the rest of the trip.”
“If you just wanted a vacation where the kids were with you all the time, that should’ve been discussed before the trip so you guys could decide whether you even needed to bring her.”
“It’s awesome for her and I’m sure she appreciates it, but it’s a waste of money for you guys, and your husband seems to have had a much different idea of what this vacation was than you did.”
“This shouldn’t have been a spontaneous decision that you just sprung on him.” – Winter-Mongoose
While the subReddit could appreciate the kind gesture the OP had shown her nanny, Hannah, by giving her time to travel and see Paris, they felt this was too big of a decision to make without involving her husband, and perhaps too drastic of a decision, as well.
Paying for a nanny to go on the trip, and then only asking her to work for 4 days out of the total 9 seems questionable. As the subReddit pointed out, she likely would have been happy and still felt appreciated and pampered if she was only given part of each day to explore while still being expected to perform her duties as a nanny.