A military career isn't for everyone.
It's not a job where you clock out or make a lot of decisions regarding your own time or where you'll be. It's a 24/7/365 arrangement you enter with a huge, sometimes impersonal government entity.
And until your enlistment period is up, or you retire, or are otherwise separated, the military decides things for you and you are expected to obey.
My Father joined the United States Navy the day he turned 17 and stayed until he was 37. He was an Indigenous residential boarding school survivor who went in as a Seaman Recruit (SR) and retired 20 years later as a Chief Warrant Officer 5 (CWO5).
He always said he was well suited for the military after a childhood of taking orders from the nuns at Holy Rosary Indian Boarding School. But some people don't handle orders or the lack of freedom well.
And some family members and loved ones don't understand the military lifestyle. My Mother knew when she married my Father he belonged to the Navy first and his family second.
My parents actually got divorced after he retired. They were better spending very little time together than they were being in each other's space day after day.
As a nuclear engineer serving in a carrier fleet, his schedule was usually six months at sea tending the ship's nuclear reactor, then six weeks at home. He managed to be home for each of his children's births because as a BIPOC, he was valuable as a recruiter.
When my Mother was pregnant, he would finish one tour at sea then switch to a recruiter post until his daughters were born. A few weeks later, he'd go back to deployment.
But not many military families can set up that kind of arrangement. Many deployed parents miss their children's births. They can request leave based on a due date, but rarely can they drop everything if the child comes early.
A new father serving in the United States Navy as a medical Corpsman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after missing his child's premature birth.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Flimsy-Employer2678 asked:
"AITA for missing my daughter's birth even though my girlfriend wasn't due yet and I'm going home in a week?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (20, male) am active duty Navy, stationed with a Marine unit."
"My girlfriend (19, female) just gave birth to our daughter about two months early. She was only 31 weeks pregnant. The baby is in the NICU but stable, thank God."
"I'm currently out in the field on a required training exercise. It's one of those longer ones, 14 days total, and I'm about a week away from finishing."
"I'm the only Corpsman out here, so I'm the only medical support for the squad. I had already put in leave for the actual due date in July, and it was approved."
"But the baby came early, and I got a Red Cross message a few days ago saying she was in labor. I went straight to my chain of command and asked if I could go home early, but they told me I needed to finish the training."
"There's no backup Corpsman here, and we're still running live scenarios every day. If I leave, they lose all medical coverage until someone else can be brought in, which isn't easy in the middle of nowhere."
"They were understanding. They didn't yell or anything, but they told me I had to stay until the end. They said once we finish up next week, I'll be sent home immediately."
I talked to my girlfriend over the phone, and she was crying and upset. She said she felt abandoned and that I 'wasn't there when it mattered'."
"I tried to explain the situation, but she wasn't hearing it. Her dad has been texting me too, saying I'm a 'boy playing dress-up' and that a real man would've dropped everything and been there for his family."
"I obviously wanted to be there, but if I went unauthorized absence (UA) or forced my way out, I'd be risking nonjudicial punishment (NJP) and losing my leave and potentially hurting my career when I've got a newborn to support now."
"I'm doing everything I can, and I'll be home in a week, but right now, everyone's acting like I don't care. I know how it looks, but I swear that's not what it is."
"AITA?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP did nothing wrong (NTA).
"Are her family really stupid, or do they just have zero experience with the military? You go where they tell you, when they tell you if you want to have a successful enlistment period and especially if you want to make a career out of it."
"If she can't come to terms with that, then she can't handle being a military spouse. There's going to be lots of things OP won't be able to attend."
"Better to find out you're not on the same page now than to pay for a wedding and an inevitable divorce." ~ MohawMais
"Baby Mama is fine, and not an a**hole—she's hormonal and worried."
"OP is also not an a**hole. He has a family to think of, as he has clearly done. Ditching something your military superiors tell you you can't will end his career and probably include military prison time."
"Grandpa is a massive a**hole that doesn't respect what people doing training in the military have to do. CoM is real, and can get terrifying if you don't obey orders."
"OP is doing what he can with what he's got, and I respect him for it." ~ notheretoargu3
"Yes, going AWOL can lead to a court martial, jail time, and loss of all military benefits. It's an unfortunate situation but OP is NTA."
"Girlfriend's father is the a**hole for even suggesting he go AWOL."
"I was a military spouse for 28 years. I don't see how you could understand what you're signing up for unless you have military family (my husband never meant to do a military career, it just worked out that way)."
"I was lucky, and he only had one fairly short deployment, and it wasn't in a high-risk location, but he had to miss some birthdays and graduations, and of course, there's all the moving which really sucks."
"Honestly, one of the worst things is all the 'thank you for your service' which is really just performative BS a lot of the time. When it comes right down to it, there isn't always that much support for the active duty, vets, and their families." ~ RuthBourbon
"My brother-in-law went AWOL for this exact same scenario. He regrets it still, 25 years later. NTA, OP."
"He had to go to New York for court and went to an Army prison for a while. Dishonorable discharge and he can never claim any benefits."
"He was young, and his firstborn son was born on his birthday, but he definitely wishes he would have stayed. Life lesson for sure." ~ WishaBwood
"NTA…unless your girlfriend was unaware that you are in the military. The government kinda owns you now." ~ Creative-Passenger76
"This! Does your girlfriend not understand that the Navy owns your a** until you have fulfilled your duty for which you signed up? She needs to make friends with other military wives and lean on them for support when she needs it."
"Lord sakes! I can't believe she and her family just expect you to walk away from your military job!" ~ jfb01
"She can feel how she wants, but pressuring him to break the law and f*ck his career over as well as sending her dad to berate him is over the line."
"She is also really failing hard at supporting him as a military spouse/significant other. She's supposed to be helping take the pressure off, not adding to it."
"She's absolutely acting like an a**hole with an idiot for a father. Unless OP is an admiral, he's not making any decisions about where he goes and when for awhile." ~ Pretend-Potato-831
If the OP's girlfriend can't reconcile herself with the fact that the OP's time is not his own as long as he's in the military, it might be best to end things now. It's not going to change just because her daddy harasses him.
There will be many future milestones and family events missed until his enlistment ends, or he retires.
My Father spent only two Christmases with us before the divorce and missed all but one of my birthdays.
And the consequences for disobeying orders and taking off with authorized leave aren't worth it.
It tanks the possibility of advancement in the military and an involuntary separation doesn't attract a lot of employers in the civilian world.
It guarantees no public sector jobs either. After 20 years in the Navy, at 38, my Father walked into a job as a reactor inspector with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, where he worked until he retired.
A military career can lead to a lot of opportunities, but only for people suited to the lifestyle.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp