I dislike when people suggest doing something just to “keep the peace.”
What they’re really saying is why don’t people let some toxic person walk all over everyone so the problematic person doesn’t throw a tantrum.
I’m my Mother’s daughter, so indulging bad behavior isn’t in my DNA. Why keep the peace that isn’t really peaceful when you can eliminate the problem and achieve real peace?
A new mother battling cultural expectations and a toxic mother-in-law turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
LocksmithVegetable41 asked:
“AITA for not letting mother-in-law (MIL) help wth my confinement and insulting my hubby in the process?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (24, female) just had my first baby with my husband (27, male) and in Nigeria, we have this tradition called omugwo, where either of our moms comes to help out after childbirth.”
“I wanted my mom to come because we have a better dynamic, but my MIL is way more traditional. We just don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, especially household stuff.”
“Lately, I’ve been really struggling postpartum. I don’t like being touched, I’m super sensitive to light and sound, and everyone has respected that except my MIL.”
“We’ve always had a decent relationship, just not when it comes to how things should be done around the house.”
“A few days ago, she called to ask when she should come, and I politely told her I had already asked my mom.”
“She lost it, saying that’s not how things are done, that she needed to bond with the baby, that I was being disrespectful, lazy, and keeping her from her grandchild.”
“I corrected her and told her she would see the baby, just not be living with us. She immediately called my husband, but thankfully, he backed me up, saying it was my choice since I was the one who gave birth.”
“Fast forward to the day my mom was supposed to arrive. She was already being so supportive, even telling me I should just let MIL come for peace’s sake and they could be here together, but I stood my ground to too many people in the house.”
“Not even a minute after my mom arrived, MIL showed up with father-in-law (FIL) and her bags, ready to move in. I told her no, she wasn’t staying here.”
“I’m Nigerian and currently living in Nigeria. She came from like states away. How she found out the exact day my mom was coming, I don’t know, because my mom and I reside in the same state.”
“My mother is the most non-confrontational person and very diplomatic and didn’t want to argue with her. My husband as well, but when she came and I spoke about not wanting her there, she flew off the handle.”
“She completely lost it, yelling that I was a bad daughter-in-law (DIL), an even worse mother, and that I wasn’t giving my child what he deserved. My husband stepped between us because she was about to lunge at me. He tried his best.”
“At that point, I snapped. I told her I didn’t want her here because all she’d do was criticize everything I was doing wrong while giving her son a pass for being lazy just like she did with her husband and her other son.”
“I told her she wasn’t going to come into my home and make me feel like a maid, and that I deserved to be surrounded by people who actually love me, not people who pick and choose when to care.”
“I also said she wasn’t going to use my child as a second chance at parenting because she failed the first time.”
“For context, my MIL has 3 kids, two boys and a girl. My sister-in-law (SIL) is the first born. My MIL shipped her off to her grandma’s house—her own MIL—because she didn’t want her around because she wasn’t a boy. SIL hasn’t really gotten over it, but things are a bit better.”
“I just had a baby girl. Maybe that’s why she’s so insistent. Not the first grandchild. My SIL has 2 kids, twin boys, and my BIL has a boy too. First granddaughter, though.”
“The second the words left my mouth, I regretted them. My husband who had been so supportive just looked so hurt and walked away.”
“MIL looked like she swallowed a whole duck, and FIL, while understanding that I didn’t want her there, said I didn’t have to be so harsh.”
“Now, my sister-in-law (SIL) and in-laws are blowing up my phone, and honestly, I don’t even know what to do next.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I feel like I’m the a**hole because I shouldn’t have said all that to my husband, as I was not upset at him, but at his mother.”
“The words just came out and my father-in-law was there and I insulted him and disrespected him, too.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. As a Nigerian woman, I am incredibly proud of you. I’ve never understood why any mother-in-law would insist on doing omugwo, knowing full well that the entire purpose is to care for the new mother.”
“The purpose of omugwo is to allow the new mother to rest, learn how to care for her baby from the older mother, and be pampered. This is her time to recover, not to work, not to be subservient, and certainly not to ‘form good wife’ just so her mother-in-law will like her.”
“How do you even expect a mother-in-law to nurse you, cook for you, or let you sleep in when she likely expects you to cater to her instead? The fact that she’s already calling you lazy is proof that she never intended to take care of you in the first place.”
“You did exactly what needed to be done, and there is no reason to feel bad about it. You protected your peace and prioritized your recovery, just as you should have. Stand firm in your decision you made the right one!” ~ afroblackgirl
“A lot of them from the husband’s side just come to be served, to give judgments, and act like they know it all. Not all, but many. NTA, from another Nigerian woman.” ~ Fit-Bumblebee-6420
“NTA. I hope you didn’t let her in. That reinforces her behavior if she knows it will work. Also, she sounds f*cking nuts. Should she even be around your baby?” ~ SnooChipmunks770
“Who would have thought that your first parenting session comes so soon! Great practice.”
“I‘d ask MIL why she thinks she’s equipped to care for a baby (and postpartum adult) when she herself hasn’t moved on from the temper-tantrum-stage. NTA.” ~ Disastrous_Gate_5559
The OP provided an initial update:
“Can’t believe I’m here with an immediate update, and things have spiraled. Firstly, I took you guys’ advice and explained to my husband that I didn’t mean what I said.”
“He asked if I truly think he’s lazy and I told him, no, that over the years I’ve seen how MIL treated BIL’s wife and how FIL is. That she believes men shouldn’t be involved in childcare and whilst pregnant, I always thought that’s how he’d be if she came to stay with us.”
“In the last 3 days we’ve been home, I’ve been a little paranoid, but I do believe he is a wonderful husband and would be a great father. We made up and we are good.”
“My MIL is crazy. I didn’t know how crazy. She’s refused to leave from in front of my house and it’s raining as she’s standing outside. As it has started to rain, she’s refusing to go with FIL to a hotel or something.”
“I still haven’t responded to anyone, but SIL did text if I wouldn’t let her mother come, then she would and that in itself is even crazier.”
“My MIL is standing in the rain. My husband has since tried to get her to leave the rain and leave with FIL.”
“FIL asked if they could come in and now I look like a bad person for not allowing her in. She said she wouldn’t leave the rain until we properly welcome her into our house.”
Then they provided a second update:
“Thank you guys for all your lovely comments and not so lovely comments.
“Firstly, my husband does have boundaries with his mother, but being Nigerian you have your limits and it’s his mother. He tries to be firm, but also not push her away.”
“But that aside, she finally left with FIL after he said he was going to leave her there. My husband found them a hotel and went to check on them.”
“From what he told me, his mother cursed both him and I and there was a screaming match. FIL says he’s disappointed in us, but says for the sake of peace why couldn’t we let her stay even if it’s for a week.”
“My husband told his dad they’ve both done enough and, as per some suggestions, he threatened they wouldn’t see me or the baby ever. That shut her up real quick.”
“He had a talk with SIL and said the same thing. Everyone is saying for the sake of peace, but I explained she didn’t come here peacefully.”
“She created a scene, so what exactly has been peaceful about all of this? Also, her mom didn’t go to my SIL’s house, so why is she pressed about coming to mine? SIL sighed and hung up.”
“In-laws are also saying for peace, because they all know how she is.”
“But for now, I’m okay, my child is okay, my mum has been trying to ease the stress. I got a foot rub from my husband and some really nice soup and napped for the first time in a long time.”
“When my hubby came back, we had a good time together with the baby. So all is good.”
“MIL says she’s not speaking to anyone, so I think we are in the clear. I’ll update again if anything does happen. Thank you guys.”
While the OP may not have the full support of her in-laws, the people who love her have her back.
That’s what ultimately matters.