Back at the turn of the 20th century—around 120 years ago—home building was the norm after marriage over buying an existing home. If you look at some of those properties, they have a separate smaller home on the same plot of land.
Real estate agents in the last century usually called these self-sufficient smaller houses “mother-in-law cottages.” In today’s real estate parlance, they’re called ADU for Accessory Dwelling Unit.
They allow independence and privacy for both households.
A man turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his sife nixed the idea of an ADU.
Bulmynjo asked:
“AITA for telling my wife that the house we are gonna build won’t have 5 extra rooms for her mom, her 3 brothers and her cousin?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Was looking at house plans to submit to the town hall for approval for an acre we own out in Minnesota: 4 bedroom—one for wife and me one for each of our 2 kids—and an extra room as a play room/game room.
“Wife asked, ‘Where’s my family staying?’.”
“She already promised them that they would move in with us, and she us now furious that ‘You only care about yourself. What about me?’.”
“I told her that I didn’t agree to that from the start. Now she’s looking to sell the land from under me to prove a point, I guess.”
“The land is owned jointly by me and my wife.”
“It was purchased using the life insurance payout we got for the death of our one-year-old girl in 2021. Between then and now, I got a manufacturing job with a federal government contractor.”
“Her family has no stake or rights to our land. I got a call from the town’s registrar about the ‘ownership change inquiries’ for the land.”
“We actually own 2 parcels, and I offered her to sell one parcel to her siblings for market value, but she declined. The house will be paid for by me.”
“I told her if her family want, I can do an ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit—a secondary living space on the same lot as a primary residence), but they will pay market value for their rent, per room.”
“So, about $900 each. She declined.”
“My current course of action is to transfer my ownership of the land into a trust with my kids as primary owners with express instructions that only direct descendants of me may build and live on the property.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Building a house for my family, but without the extra rooms for my wife’s mom and brothers, she now is really mad about it and trying to sabotage our ownership of the land.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I’m guessing her family would also be a financial burden? Why else would they need to live with you? That many functioning adults should be able to pool together, buy their own land, and build their own house.”
“However… you may be selling it soon to divide the marital assets anyway, if you really don’t want your wife’s relatives living with you. Since you purchased it together, my vote stands.” ~ LK_Feral
“Apparently, OP’s wife sees OP as an all-in-one social service for her family. Lodging, food,.. where will it end? NTA.” ~ MidwestNormal
“This post immediately made me think of my cousin and what she did to her ex-husband. When his brother needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks, she said absolutely not.”
“So being a good husband, he told his brother ‘sorry,’ he can’t.”
“Not long after she moved her mom, her brother, his girlfriend, and their 2 young kids in the house while he was at work without his knowledge. He came home and they were there.
“She told him to deal with it.”
“He was the only one working. They all laid about all day not even trying to look for work. She threw a fit whenever he tried to talk to them about getting a job saying that’s her family and he has no right to say anything to her family.”
“She told him he needs to make more money to care for them. Her mom, my Aunt would sit around all day drinking coffee and playing scratch offs that my cousin bought her with her husband’s money.”
“Her mom would tell him he’s not a real man because he didn’t make more money, while her son wasn’t working at all, laying around all day with his girlfriend letting their kids run all over the house. I felt horrible for her husband.”
“Finally he left and divorced her. He was heartbroken because he loved her, but couldn’t take her family mooching off of him and him not allowed to do anything about it.”
“NTA. Sounds like OP’s wife expects the same thing from OP to take care of her family. Why else would she decline every offer that makes her family have to spend any money? Don’t do it OP.” ~ Frequent_Couple5498
“NTA, because those sort of decisions need to be made by both, regardless. But I’m confused. How could she sell the land without your permission?”
“You said it was an acre that ‘we’ own. Did you both contribute to buying said land? I’m just trying to think why her family feels an entitlement to move in.”
“Your story is light on the financial details that might shed some light as to why this whole disagreement is happening.” ~ No-Donut-8692
“NTA! The state of this marriage is very concerning to me. Why would your wife want her whole family to move in with you and why is she fighting you so much on this?”
“Why does she think she has the right to, and would she even want to, transfer the ownership just to get you back and prove a point? I don’t know what her deal is but this is just crazy to me!”
“This is not how someone in the marriage acts at all. I can understand wanting to have one extra room that you can use as a guest room if anybody ever sleeps over. If you had room to do that, then that would be a good idea.”
“But this is like a whole other ballgame here. Where do these people all live now? What would be the reason that they would all need to move in?”
“The fact that she’s getting so angry and now trying to take steps against you for not agreeing to this, that’s just way beyond. I hate to say it, but it might be a good idea for you guys to have some kind of joint counseling together just to have an objective third party help you guys iron things out.”
“Because I’ll be honest, just from what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like a marriage that is sustainable unless something really changes. Also and most importantly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter.”
“I know that losing a child can really damage a person, as well as a marriage, so I don’t know if some of her behavior and actions are stemming from this?” ~ flynena-3
“Having family move in close proximity is something that needs to be heavily discussed between you and your spouse before she randomly offers it to them. Especially with things like aging parents, you need to discuss what level of care you’re willing to give.”
“There will come a point that they will require full time care, what happens then? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss.”
“There are a fair amount of places in the Twin Cities Metro that allow for a separate ADU (accessory dwelling unit) to be built on land. Just tell her that her family is welcome to submit plans for building and funding their unit to you, then you will apply for the ADU permit.”
“Once outside the metro the regulations get looser. So you likely wouldn’t need to apply for an ADU permit. If you’re rural you will need to either make sure your septic and well can handle the secondary dwelling.” ~ mommyaiai
“NTA. A marriage is a joint partnership where both parties have equal say in marital assets. Your wife made a unilateral decision without you, what does she expect you to do?”
“And to start trying to sell the land from under you? That would be my last straw. I couldn’t stay married to someone like that.”
“Has she gone through grief counseling? Is it possible she has an untreated mental illness or grief from the loss of your daughter that is causing her to act this impulsively? Cause seriously, what she is doing is wrong.” ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
“Personally, I would not build a sandcastle with her, much less a house. NTA.”
“She has some decisions to make. As do you. I’m not going to jump to divorce, but you really need to sit down with your wife and talk about the future.”
“Do your wants and needs align? One of you will have to bend. My opinion, she’s being unreasonable and selfish. As is her family. What the heck? You’ve given reasonable options and she’s being irrational about them.”
“I suggest finding a therapist that can help you two navigate this. An outside party will be able to help both of you see where this could be destructive to your marriage and how to make this a partnership.” ~ MokSea
As many stated, this marriage doesn’t have a sound foundation.
Maybe they should build that instead of a house.