Back at the turn of the 20th century—around 120 years ago—home building was the norm after marriage over buying an existing home. If you look at some of those properties, they have a separate smaller home on the same plot of land.
Real estate agents in the last century usually called these self-sufficient smaller houses "mother-in-law cottages." In today's real estate parlance, they're called ADU for Accessory Dwelling Unit.
They allow independence and privacy for both households.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his sife nixed the idea of an ADU.
Bulmynjo asked:
"AITA for telling my wife that the house we are gonna build won't have 5 extra rooms for her mom, her 3 brothers and her cousin?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Was looking at house plans to submit to the town hall for approval for an acre we own out in Minnesota: 4 bedroom—one for wife and me one for each of our 2 kids—and an extra room as a play room/game room.
"Wife asked, 'Where's my family staying?'."
"She already promised them that they would move in with us, and she us now furious that 'You only care about yourself. What about me?'."
"I told her that I didn't agree to that from the start. Now she's looking to sell the land from under me to prove a point, I guess."
"The land is owned jointly by me and my wife."
"It was purchased using the life insurance payout we got for the death of our one-year-old girl in 2021. Between then and now, I got a manufacturing job with a federal government contractor."
"Her family has no stake or rights to our land. I got a call from the town's registrar about the 'ownership change inquiries' for the land."
"We actually own 2 parcels, and I offered her to sell one parcel to her siblings for market value, but she declined. The house will be paid for by me."
"I told her if her family want, I can do an ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit—a secondary living space on the same lot as a primary residence), but they will pay market value for their rent, per room."
"So, about $900 each. She declined."
"My current course of action is to transfer my ownership of the land into a trust with my kids as primary owners with express instructions that only direct descendants of me may build and live on the property."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Building a house for my family, but without the extra rooms for my wife's mom and brothers, she now is really mad about it and trying to sabotage our ownership of the land."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I'm guessing her family would also be a financial burden? Why else would they need to live with you? That many functioning adults should be able to pool together, buy their own land, and build their own house."
"However... you may be selling it soon to divide the marital assets anyway, if you really don't want your wife's relatives living with you. Since you purchased it together, my vote stands." ~ LK_Feral
"Apparently, OP's wife sees OP as an all-in-one social service for her family. Lodging, food,.. where will it end? NTA." ~ MidwestNormal
"This post immediately made me think of my cousin and what she did to her ex-husband. When his brother needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks, she said absolutely not."
"So being a good husband, he told his brother 'sorry,' he can't."
"Not long after she moved her mom, her brother, his girlfriend, and their 2 young kids in the house while he was at work without his knowledge. He came home and they were there.
"She told him to deal with it."
"He was the only one working. They all laid about all day not even trying to look for work. She threw a fit whenever he tried to talk to them about getting a job saying that's her family and he has no right to say anything to her family."
"She told him he needs to make more money to care for them. Her mom, my Aunt would sit around all day drinking coffee and playing scratch offs that my cousin bought her with her husband's money."
"Her mom would tell him he's not a real man because he didn't make more money, while her son wasn't working at all, laying around all day with his girlfriend letting their kids run all over the house. I felt horrible for her husband."
"Finally he left and divorced her. He was heartbroken because he loved her, but couldn't take her family mooching off of him and him not allowed to do anything about it."
"NTA. Sounds like OP's wife expects the same thing from OP to take care of her family. Why else would she decline every offer that makes her family have to spend any money? Don't do it OP." ~ Frequent_Couple5498
"NTA, because those sort of decisions need to be made by both, regardless. But I'm confused. How could she sell the land without your permission?"
"You said it was an acre that 'we' own. Did you both contribute to buying said land? I'm just trying to think why her family feels an entitlement to move in."
"Your story is light on the financial details that might shed some light as to why this whole disagreement is happening." ~ No-Donut-8692
"NTA! The state of this marriage is very concerning to me. Why would your wife want her whole family to move in with you and why is she fighting you so much on this?"
"Why does she think she has the right to, and would she even want to, transfer the ownership just to get you back and prove a point? I don't know what her deal is but this is just crazy to me!"
"This is not how someone in the marriage acts at all. I can understand wanting to have one extra room that you can use as a guest room if anybody ever sleeps over. If you had room to do that, then that would be a good idea."
"But this is like a whole other ballgame here. Where do these people all live now? What would be the reason that they would all need to move in?"
"The fact that she's getting so angry and now trying to take steps against you for not agreeing to this, that's just way beyond. I hate to say it, but it might be a good idea for you guys to have some kind of joint counseling together just to have an objective third party help you guys iron things out."
"Because I'll be honest, just from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like a marriage that is sustainable unless something really changes. Also and most importantly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter."
"I know that losing a child can really damage a person, as well as a marriage, so I don't know if some of her behavior and actions are stemming from this?" ~ flynena-3
"Having family move in close proximity is something that needs to be heavily discussed between you and your spouse before she randomly offers it to them. Especially with things like aging parents, you need to discuss what level of care you're willing to give."
"There will come a point that they will require full time care, what happens then? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss."
"There are a fair amount of places in the Twin Cities Metro that allow for a separate ADU (accessory dwelling unit) to be built on land. Just tell her that her family is welcome to submit plans for building and funding their unit to you, then you will apply for the ADU permit."
"Once outside the metro the regulations get looser. So you likely wouldn't need to apply for an ADU permit. If you're rural you will need to either make sure your septic and well can handle the secondary dwelling." ~ mommyaiai
"NTA. A marriage is a joint partnership where both parties have equal say in marital assets. Your wife made a unilateral decision without you, what does she expect you to do?"
"And to start trying to sell the land from under you? That would be my last straw. I couldn't stay married to someone like that."
"Has she gone through grief counseling? Is it possible she has an untreated mental illness or grief from the loss of your daughter that is causing her to act this impulsively? Cause seriously, what she is doing is wrong." ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
"Personally, I would not build a sandcastle with her, much less a house. NTA."
"She has some decisions to make. As do you. I'm not going to jump to divorce, but you really need to sit down with your wife and talk about the future."
"Do your wants and needs align? One of you will have to bend. My opinion, she's being unreasonable and selfish. As is her family. What the heck? You've given reasonable options and she's being irrational about them."
"I suggest finding a therapist that can help you two navigate this. An outside party will be able to help both of you see where this could be destructive to your marriage and how to make this a partnership." ~ MokSea
As many stated, this marriage doesn't have a sound foundation.
Maybe they should build that instead of a house.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.