Back at the turn of the 20th century—around 120 years ago—home building was the norm after marriage over buying an existing home. If you look at some of those properties, they have a separate smaller home on the same plot of land.
Real estate agents in the last century usually called these self-sufficient smaller houses "mother-in-law cottages." In today's real estate parlance, they're called ADU for Accessory Dwelling Unit.
They allow independence and privacy for both households.
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his sife nixed the idea of an ADU.
Bulmynjo asked:
"AITA for telling my wife that the house we are gonna build won't have 5 extra rooms for her mom, her 3 brothers and her cousin?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Was looking at house plans to submit to the town hall for approval for an acre we own out in Minnesota: 4 bedroom—one for wife and me one for each of our 2 kids—and an extra room as a play room/game room.
"Wife asked, 'Where's my family staying?'."
"She already promised them that they would move in with us, and she us now furious that 'You only care about yourself. What about me?'."
"I told her that I didn't agree to that from the start. Now she's looking to sell the land from under me to prove a point, I guess."
"The land is owned jointly by me and my wife."
"It was purchased using the life insurance payout we got for the death of our one-year-old girl in 2021. Between then and now, I got a manufacturing job with a federal government contractor."
"Her family has no stake or rights to our land. I got a call from the town's registrar about the 'ownership change inquiries' for the land."
"We actually own 2 parcels, and I offered her to sell one parcel to her siblings for market value, but she declined. The house will be paid for by me."
"I told her if her family want, I can do an ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit—a secondary living space on the same lot as a primary residence), but they will pay market value for their rent, per room."
"So, about $900 each. She declined."
"My current course of action is to transfer my ownership of the land into a trust with my kids as primary owners with express instructions that only direct descendants of me may build and live on the property."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Building a house for my family, but without the extra rooms for my wife's mom and brothers, she now is really mad about it and trying to sabotage our ownership of the land."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I'm guessing her family would also be a financial burden? Why else would they need to live with you? That many functioning adults should be able to pool together, buy their own land, and build their own house."
"However... you may be selling it soon to divide the marital assets anyway, if you really don't want your wife's relatives living with you. Since you purchased it together, my vote stands." ~ LK_Feral
"Apparently, OP's wife sees OP as an all-in-one social service for her family. Lodging, food,.. where will it end? NTA." ~ MidwestNormal
"This post immediately made me think of my cousin and what she did to her ex-husband. When his brother needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks, she said absolutely not."
"So being a good husband, he told his brother 'sorry,' he can't."
"Not long after she moved her mom, her brother, his girlfriend, and their 2 young kids in the house while he was at work without his knowledge. He came home and they were there.
"She told him to deal with it."
"He was the only one working. They all laid about all day not even trying to look for work. She threw a fit whenever he tried to talk to them about getting a job saying that's her family and he has no right to say anything to her family."
"She told him he needs to make more money to care for them. Her mom, my Aunt would sit around all day drinking coffee and playing scratch offs that my cousin bought her with her husband's money."
"Her mom would tell him he's not a real man because he didn't make more money, while her son wasn't working at all, laying around all day with his girlfriend letting their kids run all over the house. I felt horrible for her husband."
"Finally he left and divorced her. He was heartbroken because he loved her, but couldn't take her family mooching off of him and him not allowed to do anything about it."
"NTA. Sounds like OP's wife expects the same thing from OP to take care of her family. Why else would she decline every offer that makes her family have to spend any money? Don't do it OP." ~ Frequent_Couple5498
"NTA, because those sort of decisions need to be made by both, regardless. But I'm confused. How could she sell the land without your permission?"
"You said it was an acre that 'we' own. Did you both contribute to buying said land? I'm just trying to think why her family feels an entitlement to move in."
"Your story is light on the financial details that might shed some light as to why this whole disagreement is happening." ~ No-Donut-8692
"NTA! The state of this marriage is very concerning to me. Why would your wife want her whole family to move in with you and why is she fighting you so much on this?"
"Why does she think she has the right to, and would she even want to, transfer the ownership just to get you back and prove a point? I don't know what her deal is but this is just crazy to me!"
"This is not how someone in the marriage acts at all. I can understand wanting to have one extra room that you can use as a guest room if anybody ever sleeps over. If you had room to do that, then that would be a good idea."
"But this is like a whole other ballgame here. Where do these people all live now? What would be the reason that they would all need to move in?"
"The fact that she's getting so angry and now trying to take steps against you for not agreeing to this, that's just way beyond. I hate to say it, but it might be a good idea for you guys to have some kind of joint counseling together just to have an objective third party help you guys iron things out."
"Because I'll be honest, just from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like a marriage that is sustainable unless something really changes. Also and most importantly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter."
"I know that losing a child can really damage a person, as well as a marriage, so I don't know if some of her behavior and actions are stemming from this?" ~ flynena-3
"Having family move in close proximity is something that needs to be heavily discussed between you and your spouse before she randomly offers it to them. Especially with things like aging parents, you need to discuss what level of care you're willing to give."
"There will come a point that they will require full time care, what happens then? It sounds like you have a lot to discuss."
"There are a fair amount of places in the Twin Cities Metro that allow for a separate ADU (accessory dwelling unit) to be built on land. Just tell her that her family is welcome to submit plans for building and funding their unit to you, then you will apply for the ADU permit."
"Once outside the metro the regulations get looser. So you likely wouldn't need to apply for an ADU permit. If you're rural you will need to either make sure your septic and well can handle the secondary dwelling." ~ mommyaiai
"NTA. A marriage is a joint partnership where both parties have equal say in marital assets. Your wife made a unilateral decision without you, what does she expect you to do?"
"And to start trying to sell the land from under you? That would be my last straw. I couldn't stay married to someone like that."
"Has she gone through grief counseling? Is it possible she has an untreated mental illness or grief from the loss of your daughter that is causing her to act this impulsively? Cause seriously, what she is doing is wrong." ~ Beautiful-Elephant34
"Personally, I would not build a sandcastle with her, much less a house. NTA."
"She has some decisions to make. As do you. I'm not going to jump to divorce, but you really need to sit down with your wife and talk about the future."
"Do your wants and needs align? One of you will have to bend. My opinion, she's being unreasonable and selfish. As is her family. What the heck? You've given reasonable options and she's being irrational about them."
"I suggest finding a therapist that can help you two navigate this. An outside party will be able to help both of you see where this could be destructive to your marriage and how to make this a partnership." ~ MokSea
As many stated, this marriage doesn't have a sound foundation.
Maybe they should build that instead of a house.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp