We’ve all heard the saying, ‘When you marry a man, you marry his mother, too,’ pointing out that marriage opens the door not just for a long-term romantic relationship but for a long-term connection with the woman who raised him. But for many families, it isn’t just the mother that the partner is “marrying,” but really, the entire in-law family.
And some families come together much more smoothly than others, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
From the very beginning, Redditor Plus-Fix1173 had felt like her boundaries were being stomped on by her parents-in-law, who frequently inserted themselves into situations and also shared information that she would rather keep private.
So when she had to go to the hospital with postpartum complications, the Original Poster (OP) was furious when her in-laws started telling family members what was going on, but she was even angrier when her husband didn’t stop them.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?”
The OP had to be readmitted to the hospital with postpartum complications.
“Following being released from the hospital after having our second baby, I was readmitted one day later due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome (Hemolysis, Elevated Liver Enzymes, and Low Platelets).”
“Since I had a C-section just four days prior and had a blood pressure putting me at risk of having a stroke or seizure, I was unable to drive myself to the hospital, nor could my husband as our toddler and newborn were both sleeping.”
“I wanted to take an Uber, but my husband insisted on asking his parents to drive me (his parents live very close by, whereas my family is all 45+ mins away).”
But the OP unfortunately didn’t have the best relationship with her in-laws.
“Some background: Since welcoming our first child in 2021, the relationship with his parents has been very strained due to their overbearing nature and lack of boundaries, to the point we had several sessions with a family therapist to curb the behavior and mend fences.”
“Unfortunately, therapy didn’t help, and his parents did not continue therapy on their own as advised by the therapist. I have very limited interaction with them, and my husband’s relationship is minimal and superficial.”
“Also to note, his parents do not have a relationship with anyone aside from their three kids. They cut off my Mother-in-Law’s (MIL) parents, brothers, and sisters several years ago due to family drama, and my Father-in-Law (FIL) does not talk to his sister either for no apparent reason. Both of his parents have passed.”
The OP’s parents-in-law overstepped her boundaries at the hospital.
“I begrudgingly went along with my husband’s request to let them drive me to the hospital.”
“Once we arrived at the hospital, they would not leave, insisting that they needed to stay to ‘help me’ and even pushed their way into the ER room.”
“They finally left when I was being transferred back to the maternity unit for treatment. This was around 11 pm on a Friday.”
“Once admitted, I was placed on a mag bag IV drip to prevent me from seizing/having a stroke and minimize the other side effects of preeclampsia/HELLP.”
“Because my newborn was only four days old, they allowed him and my husband to come to the hospital the next morning and stay with me for a few days until I was discharged.”
“During this time, our two-and-a-half-year-old son went to my in-laws.”
Then the OP found out that her parents-in-law had shared her information, too.
“By mid-Saturday morning, I received a text from my sister-in-law expressing her concern and prayers as she had heard I was back in the hospital. My in-laws had told her husband all the details of what was going on.”
“I found this incredibly frustrating and inappropriate as some of the historical issues we had with my in-laws stemmed from them constantly over-inserting themselves and sharing our business and gossiping.”
“The medical situation I was in was very serious and incredibly scary, it was not something that I feel was anyone’s ‘right’ to share but mine and my husband’s, especially given that I had only just been admitted and started treatment hours before. Tests were still being run, and the treatment plan was still being evaluated at this point.”
“As soon as I got the text from my sister-in-law, I expressed my frustration to my husband about his parents sharing my medical details with others.”
“My husband agreed and was frustrated, as well, so he left the room to call his parents. He came back several minutes later and said he talked with his parents and now I should ‘get over it’ in a very flippant manner.”
“I pressed him, asking why his parents felt it was their place to alert others, and my husband shared a made-up story about how his brother called his parents and heard my toddler in the background and asked why he was there.”
“(This was fabricated by either my husband or his parents because minutes later I got a text from my father-in-law saying he told my brother-in-law because ‘as a brother, he had the right to know what was going on.’)”
The OP’s husband did not support her in the way she would have liked.
“At that point, I told my husband that his parents had no discretion and were again overstepping boundaries.”
“My husband, seemingly annoyed by the whole situation, again told me to get over it in a hostile tone and went on to say they’re old so we can’t change their behavior, which I agree with but that doesn’t mean we should ignore and tolerate our boundaries being violated.”
“I then said he needed to pick a side and yelling at me for their behavior was misplaced anger.”
“He then said that maybe he’s not the right person for me because he’s not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it.”
“My husband just doesn’t like his own boat being rocked so he plays both sides and gets angry at me when I get upset; this is a constant in our relationship.”
The OP wondered if this would be the end of their marriage.
“From my perspective, I was in the hospital for a very serious condition and didn’t feel supported by my husband even though he agreed that his parents’ behavior was inappropriate.”
“This is compounded by the fact that we have had several similar incidents with his parents that always result in this same kind of fight.”
“But in this particular scenario, I couldn’t believe how my husband was being so mean and unsupportive given the vulnerable and scary situation I was in.”
“And now I can’t look at him the same or forgive him. If that’s how he treats me in such a sensitive time, is he a partner? I feel this is the straw that broke the camel’s back for our marriage.”
“AITAH for not ‘getting over it’ now?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the OP’s husband’s qualities as a supportive partner.
“Seriously. As she’s laying in the hospital with an extremely serious and life-threatening issue, not to mention the pain, and trauma from being away from your newborn and back in the hospital, and he decides THAT IS THE BEST TIME to draw a line in the sand?!?”
“He basically said, ‘I have no empathy, for what you’re going through because I’m more concerned with what I’m going through. I have decided I won’t support you anymore when it comes to dealing with my parents and I will always support THEM. You are not my priority. THEY are, and so is MY comfort. Deal with it or get the f**k out.'”
“I hope she read between the lines and heard all of that. I can’t imagine someone saying that to someone they loved, let alone when that person is also dealing with a life-threatening emergency. He is disgusting and selfish to the extreme.” – CatmoCatmo
“NTA. He already told you, he’s not the right person for you because he’s not going to push back on them. This was a scary time for you and he should have had your back.” – Ok-Homework-582
“I had the signs of pre-eclampsia with my first and I played it off (I had issues with showing weakness). A friend from my birth board found my husband on Facebook and told him my symptoms were pre-eclampsia warnings, and he trusted this person he had virtually NO KNOWLEDGE OF to make me get my BP checked.”
“It was 256 over 198. No, that’s not a typo. That’s death hovering in the wings.”
“He rushed me to the children’s hospital (my eldest had a birth defect and had to be delivered and intubated at birth) and they barely confirmed my BP before I was rushed into surgery.”
“He never yelled. He never paused. He trusted a virtual stranger and pushed and when it looked like I was in actual danger he focused on getting me to the right hospital (calling 911 was too risky. Literally ‘the best pediatric intubation specialist in the world’ was on call for our hospital, and because he was there within 30 minutes of our arrival she didn’t suffer any brain damage from being premature with a blocked airway.).”
“Reddit makes me more grateful every day for the man I chose to father my children.” – Millenniauld
“He chose to insert them into all of this.”
“Ambulance/waking the kids were better options. But he chose to bring his parents in, and they made this so much worse for OP, from being intrusive at the hospital to spreading detailed medical info.”
“I mean, ‘OP is in the hospital with pregnancy complications, OP’s husband will update us when he has news,’ is one thing, while ‘OP is in the hospital with x, y, and z,’ is another thing.”
“I get why she’s upset. He chose just about every weirdly wrong decision here. And those decisions made this worse for her. And it sounds like the in-laws meddling/overstepping and husband not managing them has been an ongoing issue.” – StrangledInMoonlight
“I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. Of course you’re NTA.”
“That being said, my therapist once told me that big decisions shouldn’t be taken while we’re having big emotions. So maybe take some time before making it definitive?”
“I’m going through a divorce now (11 years married) and I’m glad I waited and tried to make it work all that I did. Because when the mourning phases come and the doubts try to creep up on me, I’m 100% sure I did the right thing.”
“Hope you heal soon. Physically and emotionally.” – messymindus
But others felt the OP was overreacting and that the in-laws were trying to be helpful.
“Wait… you’re mad because your FIL (Father-in-Law) told your BIL (Brother-in-Law) you were in the hospital with a life-threatening condition, and when your SIL (Sister-in-Law) called to offer you some kind words… you got upset at your husband and thought having an argument at the hospital was a good idea?”
“Am I missing something here?”
“I get that you’ve had problems in the past, and they are boundary steppers, but this ain’t one of those times. This is absolutely common in most normal families. I don’t care what the Reddit comment section tells you.”
“If anyone in my family goes into the hospital with a life-threatening condition, especially my wife’s Latino family (good lord, they’d all know in 30 seconds), we all know and want to know how we can help. That’s just out of concern because we care.”
“Sheesh. You might be the a**hole here.”
“Granted, they also might be the AH from prior issues, but this isolated incident? This shouldn’t make the list of what p**ses you off.” – HTownLaserShow
“While you are NTA, they’re literally looking after your child while you’re in the hospital.”
“I understand your frustration, but maybe they were genuinely concerned and talked about it with loved ones. Your condition was incredibly serious (for the love of god, anyone reading this who have these symptoms, phone a f**king ambulance).”
“Asking your husband to pick a side over this is extreme. I say this as a postpartum mother, your hormones are absolutely wackadoodle right now. Focus on your health, your new baby, and let this s**t with the in-laws go.”
“Your husband yelling at you is inexcusable but honestly, this is a bit of a mountain out of a molehill situation.” – Outside-Ad-1677
“I wasn’t sure if I was projecting because something similar happened in my family, and I was the guilty party there, and though I have apologized over and over, I’ve always sort of wondered if I was right all along.”
“It’s not gossip, it’s real-life factual, emergency sort of news. And it’s not to broadcast the information everywhere but to people directly related. I don’t know.”
“Even though the family sounds truly shattered, I do think it’s worth taking the perspective of the estranged parents for just a minute. I mean, they drove her to the hospital AND were watching the toddler but they can’t have a reaction or talk about their feelings with anyone?” – randompointlane
“Honestly, I just want to know what she expected her husband to do? He agreed with her and he had a conversation with them about it. What else can he do? She doesn’t want them in their business but they put them in their business. Have someone else watch the son then.”
“They didn’t tell the whole world. They told her brother.”
“Sure, his ‘get over it’ response was in poor taste, but after everything they’ve been through in the past couple of days, I’m sure he’s exhausted. He doesn’t need to push an issue like this when he’s dealing with a newborn and his wife in the hospital. She’s not the only one stressed.” – jazbaby25
“I’m a little confused because while I understand you feeling violated and exposed, because of your history with them, I’m also getting some b***h eating crackers vibes here.”
“This was a serious, terrifying medical issue happening. That s**t KILLS people. What if you had died?”
“What were they supposed to do? Be like, ‘Oh her? She died. Got sick. Ended up in the hospital. Didn’t work out, though, and she died. Sure, we could have used help and support and sympathy ourselves, since we were facing the idea of what our son’s life looks like, what about our grandchildren, what would need to do, to provide, if the worst should happen… It was a terrible time for her, for our son, for the kids, and even for us, but we didn’t want her to think we were overstepping.'”
“You didn’t get sick in a vacuum. They didn’t post about it on Facebook for likes. They didn’t tell Greta at the Grocery store. They told their other son. I get the relationship ain’t good, but they didn’t put you on public thoughts and prayers blast at church and they stepped up for your older son.”
“They told a close family member they could reasonably have expected to already know and to be able to provide support to THEM. They didn’t violate the ring theory of tragedy.”
“I dunno. Maybe I’m biased because I’ve got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn’t tell anyone you’re pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding, and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret.”
“In my view, it’s not like they told your extended in-law clan that you had a yeast infection, they shared that you were seriously ill, hospitalized, and might die. That’s the sort of ‘private medical info’ that isn’t private at all.” – kifferellla
While the subReddit virtually agreed that the OP was NTA, they were a little more divided over who was actually at fault in the situation. Some felt that the husband was showing his true colors in a time of stress, and the OP might be better off parting ways while their children were very young.
Others felt that, despite any past history, the family was expressing concern and turning to their family members, not to gossip but to seek support. If the OP was in an ongoing life-threatening situation, she, her husband, and their children would need help, and as much as the OP might want to keep her health private, the best place to get help is from a loving family.