We've all heard the saying, 'When you marry a man, you marry his mother, too,' pointing out that marriage opens the door not just for a long-term romantic relationship but for a long-term connection with the woman who raised him. But for many families, it isn't just the mother that the partner is "marrying," but really, the entire in-law family.
And some families come together much more smoothly than others, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
From the very beginning, Redditor Plus-Fix1173 had felt like her boundaries were being stomped on by her parents-in-law, who frequently inserted themselves into situations and also shared information that she would rather keep private.
So when she had to go to the hospital with postpartum complications, the Original Poster (OP) was furious when her in-laws started telling family members what was going on, but she was even angrier when her husband didn't stop them.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for being unable to forgive my husband for yelling at me while I was in the hospital and seeing this as the nail in the coffin for our marriage?"
The OP had to be readmitted to the hospital with postpartum complications.
"Following being released from the hospital after having our second baby, I was readmitted one day later due to severe preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome (Hemolysis, Elevated Liver Enzymes, and Low Platelets)."
"Since I had a C-section just four days prior and had a blood pressure putting me at risk of having a stroke or seizure, I was unable to drive myself to the hospital, nor could my husband as our toddler and newborn were both sleeping."
"I wanted to take an Uber, but my husband insisted on asking his parents to drive me (his parents live very close by, whereas my family is all 45+ mins away)."
But the OP unfortunately didn't have the best relationship with her in-laws.
"Some background: Since welcoming our first child in 2021, the relationship with his parents has been very strained due to their overbearing nature and lack of boundaries, to the point we had several sessions with a family therapist to curb the behavior and mend fences."
"Unfortunately, therapy didn't help, and his parents did not continue therapy on their own as advised by the therapist. I have very limited interaction with them, and my husband's relationship is minimal and superficial."
"Also to note, his parents do not have a relationship with anyone aside from their three kids. They cut off my Mother-in-Law's (MIL) parents, brothers, and sisters several years ago due to family drama, and my Father-in-Law (FIL) does not talk to his sister either for no apparent reason. Both of his parents have passed."
The OP's parents-in-law overstepped her boundaries at the hospital.
"I begrudgingly went along with my husband's request to let them drive me to the hospital."
"Once we arrived at the hospital, they would not leave, insisting that they needed to stay to 'help me' and even pushed their way into the ER room."
"They finally left when I was being transferred back to the maternity unit for treatment. This was around 11 pm on a Friday."
"Once admitted, I was placed on a mag bag IV drip to prevent me from seizing/having a stroke and minimize the other side effects of preeclampsia/HELLP."
"Because my newborn was only four days old, they allowed him and my husband to come to the hospital the next morning and stay with me for a few days until I was discharged."
"During this time, our two-and-a-half-year-old son went to my in-laws."
Then the OP found out that her parents-in-law had shared her information, too.
"By mid-Saturday morning, I received a text from my sister-in-law expressing her concern and prayers as she had heard I was back in the hospital. My in-laws had told her husband all the details of what was going on."
"I found this incredibly frustrating and inappropriate as some of the historical issues we had with my in-laws stemmed from them constantly over-inserting themselves and sharing our business and gossiping."
"The medical situation I was in was very serious and incredibly scary, it was not something that I feel was anyone's 'right' to share but mine and my husband's, especially given that I had only just been admitted and started treatment hours before. Tests were still being run, and the treatment plan was still being evaluated at this point."
"As soon as I got the text from my sister-in-law, I expressed my frustration to my husband about his parents sharing my medical details with others."
"My husband agreed and was frustrated, as well, so he left the room to call his parents. He came back several minutes later and said he talked with his parents and now I should 'get over it' in a very flippant manner."
"I pressed him, asking why his parents felt it was their place to alert others, and my husband shared a made-up story about how his brother called his parents and heard my toddler in the background and asked why he was there."
"(This was fabricated by either my husband or his parents because minutes later I got a text from my father-in-law saying he told my brother-in-law because 'as a brother, he had the right to know what was going on.')"
The OP's husband did not support her in the way she would have liked.
"At that point, I told my husband that his parents had no discretion and were again overstepping boundaries."
"My husband, seemingly annoyed by the whole situation, again told me to get over it in a hostile tone and went on to say they're old so we can't change their behavior, which I agree with but that doesn't mean we should ignore and tolerate our boundaries being violated."
"I then said he needed to pick a side and yelling at me for their behavior was misplaced anger."
"He then said that maybe he's not the right person for me because he's not going to push back on them about stuff like this anymore, and I need to live with it."
"My husband just doesn't like his own boat being rocked so he plays both sides and gets angry at me when I get upset; this is a constant in our relationship."
The OP wondered if this would be the end of their marriage.
"From my perspective, I was in the hospital for a very serious condition and didn't feel supported by my husband even though he agreed that his parents' behavior was inappropriate."
"This is compounded by the fact that we have had several similar incidents with his parents that always result in this same kind of fight."
"But in this particular scenario, I couldn't believe how my husband was being so mean and unsupportive given the vulnerable and scary situation I was in."
"And now I can't look at him the same or forgive him. If that's how he treats me in such a sensitive time, is he a partner? I feel this is the straw that broke the camel's back for our marriage."
"AITAH for not 'getting over it' now?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the OP's husband's qualities as a supportive partner.
"Seriously. As she's laying in the hospital with an extremely serious and life-threatening issue, not to mention the pain, and trauma from being away from your newborn and back in the hospital, and he decides THAT IS THE BEST TIME to draw a line in the sand?!?"
"He basically said, 'I have no empathy, for what you're going through because I'm more concerned with what I'm going through. I have decided I won't support you anymore when it comes to dealing with my parents and I will always support THEM. You are not my priority. THEY are, and so is MY comfort. Deal with it or get the f**k out.'"
"I hope she read between the lines and heard all of that. I can't imagine someone saying that to someone they loved, let alone when that person is also dealing with a life-threatening emergency. He is disgusting and selfish to the extreme." - CatmoCatmo
"NTA. He already told you, he's not the right person for you because he's not going to push back on them. This was a scary time for you and he should have had your back." - Ok-Homework-582
"I had the signs of pre-eclampsia with my first and I played it off (I had issues with showing weakness). A friend from my birth board found my husband on Facebook and told him my symptoms were pre-eclampsia warnings, and he trusted this person he had virtually NO KNOWLEDGE OF to make me get my BP checked."
"It was 256 over 198. No, that's not a typo. That's death hovering in the wings."
"He rushed me to the children's hospital (my eldest had a birth defect and had to be delivered and intubated at birth) and they barely confirmed my BP before I was rushed into surgery."
"He never yelled. He never paused. He trusted a virtual stranger and pushed and when it looked like I was in actual danger he focused on getting me to the right hospital (calling 911 was too risky. Literally 'the best pediatric intubation specialist in the world' was on call for our hospital, and because he was there within 30 minutes of our arrival she didn't suffer any brain damage from being premature with a blocked airway.)."
"Reddit makes me more grateful every day for the man I chose to father my children." - Millenniauld
"He chose to insert them into all of this."
"Ambulance/waking the kids were better options. But he chose to bring his parents in, and they made this so much worse for OP, from being intrusive at the hospital to spreading detailed medical info."
"I mean, 'OP is in the hospital with pregnancy complications, OP's husband will update us when he has news,' is one thing, while 'OP is in the hospital with x, y, and z,' is another thing."
"I get why she's upset. He chose just about every weirdly wrong decision here. And those decisions made this worse for her. And it sounds like the in-laws meddling/overstepping and husband not managing them has been an ongoing issue." - StrangledInMoonlight
"I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Of course you're NTA."
"That being said, my therapist once told me that big decisions shouldn't be taken while we're having big emotions. So maybe take some time before making it definitive?"
"I'm going through a divorce now (11 years married) and I'm glad I waited and tried to make it work all that I did. Because when the mourning phases come and the doubts try to creep up on me, I'm 100% sure I did the right thing."
"Hope you heal soon. Physically and emotionally." - messymindus
But others felt the OP was overreacting and that the in-laws were trying to be helpful.
"Wait… you're mad because your FIL (Father-in-Law) told your BIL (Brother-in-Law) you were in the hospital with a life-threatening condition, and when your SIL (Sister-in-Law) called to offer you some kind words… you got upset at your husband and thought having an argument at the hospital was a good idea?"
"Am I missing something here?"
"I get that you've had problems in the past, and they are boundary steppers, but this ain't one of those times. This is absolutely common in most normal families. I don't care what the Reddit comment section tells you."
"If anyone in my family goes into the hospital with a life-threatening condition, especially my wife's Latino family (good lord, they'd all know in 30 seconds), we all know and want to know how we can help. That's just out of concern because we care."
"Sheesh. You might be the a**hole here."
"Granted, they also might be the AH from prior issues, but this isolated incident? This shouldn't make the list of what p**ses you off." - HTownLaserShow
"While you are NTA, they're literally looking after your child while you're in the hospital."
"I understand your frustration, but maybe they were genuinely concerned and talked about it with loved ones. Your condition was incredibly serious (for the love of god, anyone reading this who have these symptoms, phone a f**king ambulance)."
"Asking your husband to pick a side over this is extreme. I say this as a postpartum mother, your hormones are absolutely wackadoodle right now. Focus on your health, your new baby, and let this s**t with the in-laws go."
"Your husband yelling at you is inexcusable but honestly, this is a bit of a mountain out of a molehill situation." - Outside-Ad-1677
"I wasn't sure if I was projecting because something similar happened in my family, and I was the guilty party there, and though I have apologized over and over, I've always sort of wondered if I was right all along."
"It's not gossip, it's real-life factual, emergency sort of news. And it's not to broadcast the information everywhere but to people directly related. I don't know."
"Even though the family sounds truly shattered, I do think it's worth taking the perspective of the estranged parents for just a minute. I mean, they drove her to the hospital AND were watching the toddler but they can't have a reaction or talk about their feelings with anyone?" - randompointlane
"Honestly, I just want to know what she expected her husband to do? He agreed with her and he had a conversation with them about it. What else can he do? She doesn't want them in their business but they put them in their business. Have someone else watch the son then."
"They didn't tell the whole world. They told her brother."
"Sure, his 'get over it' response was in poor taste, but after everything they've been through in the past couple of days, I'm sure he's exhausted. He doesn't need to push an issue like this when he's dealing with a newborn and his wife in the hospital. She's not the only one stressed." - jazbaby25
"I'm a little confused because while I understand you feeling violated and exposed, because of your history with them, I'm also getting some b***h eating crackers vibes here."
"This was a serious, terrifying medical issue happening. That s**t KILLS people. What if you had died?"
"What were they supposed to do? Be like, 'Oh her? She died. Got sick. Ended up in the hospital. Didn't work out, though, and she died. Sure, we could have used help and support and sympathy ourselves, since we were facing the idea of what our son's life looks like, what about our grandchildren, what would need to do, to provide, if the worst should happen... It was a terrible time for her, for our son, for the kids, and even for us, but we didn't want her to think we were overstepping.'"
"You didn't get sick in a vacuum. They didn't post about it on Facebook for likes. They didn't tell Greta at the Grocery store. They told their other son. I get the relationship ain't good, but they didn't put you on public thoughts and prayers blast at church and they stepped up for your older son."
"They told a close family member they could reasonably have expected to already know and to be able to provide support to THEM. They didn't violate the ring theory of tragedy."
"I dunno. Maybe I'm biased because I've got a furious hatred of the idea that you shouldn't tell anyone you're pregnant too early since that would mean you have love, understanding, and support if anything goes wrong as opposed to silently suffering in secret."
"In my view, it's not like they told your extended in-law clan that you had a yeast infection, they shared that you were seriously ill, hospitalized, and might die. That's the sort of 'private medical info' that isn't private at all." - kifferellla
While the subReddit virtually agreed that the OP was NTA, they were a little more divided over who was actually at fault in the situation. Some felt that the husband was showing his true colors in a time of stress, and the OP might be better off parting ways while their children were very young.
Others felt that, despite any past history, the family was expressing concern and turning to their family members, not to gossip but to seek support. If the OP was in an ongoing life-threatening situation, she, her husband, and their children would need help, and as much as the OP might want to keep her health private, the best place to get help is from a loving family.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp